Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Barstards

These scammers have somehow got to someone I know this week - she's a young professional with a legal background. It's shocking.

You guys will know how parents get the wrong end of the stick on what help is fine and what isn't...

Mum has emailed to say I shouldn't take her to her hospital appointment this week.

I wouldn't interfere with her privacy, of course I understand if she wants to see them alone. I always say that but she normally wants me to sit in. My main concern is her navigating taxi and hospital with walking frame - keeping in mind she has a wrist fracture - but I suspect she wants to prove she can do it alone.

What do you all think? I'm seeing her tomorrow.

Let her go on her own if she says that’s what she wants. If she’s at a hospital there will be plenty of people about who can help her if she struggles. She might have to wait until a porter can be found but she’ll be fine.

she’s in respite care isn’t she? Do they offer to escort residents to appointments?

If she's in respite care, I'd be surprised if she went totally unaccompanied (or if she was allowed to do so).

@EmmaEmerald , does she have capacity to make this decision? It may not be a sensible decision but if she has capacity, she is allowed to make poor decisions!

She has capacity, I'll find out if they plan to send someone with her but the home would surely have a hefty fee.

Unless, as I've not been in contact yesterday, Social Services have offered to send a companion?

Re hospitals, there's never anyone around to help? I remember mum pushing dad in a wheelchair herself about 10 years ago, because she assumed there'd be a porter and there was no such person for an outpatients appointment.

I didn't have any offers when I had a major injury, was just told to bring someone with me.

MIL is in the Midlands and the care home charge for a hospital escort at £10 an hour. She has patient transport door to door and one of the staff goes with her.

I will sit on the bad DIL's bench because I have declined to take her. I didn't mind with mum because she still liked me even when she didn't know who I was. I've had six years of running the hospital taxi for MIL (two hospitals, four complaints) with zero parking when you get there and no thanks. Yes, she has a blue badge except one of her family has that, fifty miles away. I couldn't face starting the hospital runs again with MIL especially now that her mobility is so poor so I said no. At the time I felt guilty but ever since then I've felt nothing but relief.

I totally understand that

my sister visited this week and specifically told her that I was fine to do banking and medical appointments. I wonder if it's a case of mum deciding she thinks she knows what's best for me but more likely she wants to prove a point. A scheduled hospital appointment where I can make myself useful is much easier than the "can you just..." requests.

It must be the local health authority and/or general Northern friendliness and/or my mum looking very frail and wobbly but whenever I take her somewhere we inevitably get all sorts of folk helping, even with me standing right there. Last week the dental nurse offered mum her arm and was walking her through the surgery and both the nurse and the dentist were helping mum on and off the chair. (Back up and bum first mum, don’t try and climb on it!) We get receptionists and clinicians helping her at hospital appointments and I’ve even known porters stop in the corridor and offer their assistance.

One of those situations where I’m sorry the experience isn’t replicated everywhere, we’ve rarely had trouble finding someone to help.

funnelfan I can't recall the last time I saw a hospital porter, I wonder if it's a case of staffing at individual places. I had a mission getting mum a wheelchair to leave hospital in November and it was alarmingly rickety. Then we had to get a nurse to push the chair due to my old injury, then someone accompanied the nurse and we weren't allowed to know their job role - I think it was to make sure the nurse was okay. It was all very strange.

Last hospital appointment pre fall and all
tha followed, I did usual dropping at entrance so that she could go to department/clinic whilst I parked. 20 mins later I finally have parked and enter hospital to find her waiting saying ‘did you break down, have you been to the garage 🤔. We may as well go because I have missed my appointment’. She hadn’t and she should have known where to go and not waited for me it was the 4 th visit 😮. I realise now this was dementia and anxiety. But it was frustrating 🙁

I'd let her do it as she has capacity @EmmaEmerald I know it's really hard not to think you have to sort everything for her. She's in respite because of your breakdown in part, I think? If they think she needs assistance they will provide it.
She may well be proving a point. Mine would do exactly that. Sometimes she says she'll do a thing so that she can enjoy telling other people that she would have done it herself but her daughter insisted on helping. She loves having people insisting! Or, in a less lovely mood ( but less often now she's realising her vulnerability and I started taking her at her word) she'll decline help so she can come over all 'woe is me'. According to my therapist who helped me through my relationship with her, this is game playing.

I have persuaded my mother to get a folding wheelchair for these visits. Very helpful as I no longer need to drop her at the door. We can park in disabled area (if there's one!), unload her and go in together. Life changing! But of course you need the boot size and the ability to get it in and out of the car!

and couldn’t remember why they hadn’t just phoned us when it broke. If I remember anything from this board in 10 years time, it will be not to bother DC over every little thing. I shall be doing the same.

I am very suspicious about all the flags you encounter on on-line banking. I think they’re there purely to absolve the bank of any responsibility for refund “she over-rid a warning about this payment, it’s not our responsibility”.

June I'm sorry, I have a friend who went through similar.

Sunshine I no longer drive. It's interesting because a few people have said "that must make caring for mum harder". It doesn't. We often used taxis so we could be dropped off together at the right place. I was really glad I hadn't attempted to take a car on the last two A&E visits because I would not have been in a fit condition to drive home.

Yes, literally the whole thing with online banking - not just the flags - is it gives more responsibility to the customer. I have noticed when mum asks a staff member to check something for her, they keep repeating that it's her responsibility.

I think the banks will start charging for certain things to be checked by them, and possibly for face to face appointments.

When MiL had her assessment we then got give details of all sorts of help, charities and NHS etc. But it took 8 weeks to get disabled badge and the rang to query the application, I started off angry with them and then embarrassingly tearful - by the time they sent it she had been put in ‘temporary trial’ at a nursing home. More lack of joined up thinking, the form said list all medical issues but please don’t bother the GP and the queried my list and rang to tell me to bother her GP😮. Having it earlier would have been so much easier for hospital and dentists.

her next appointment the nursing home GP has arranged and the home will take her and accompany her - doors if anyone is squeamish - the metal in her broken ankle is exposed and the earliest appointment is a 6 week wait 🙁😡. But I am relieved not to be going, I did offer, MiL will be confused and talk rubbish, but the home will give us a call after. 🤞

Typos …. Doors? Should read apologies !

Vulnerable customer flags will override the questions for online payments if they fulfill the criteria. I used to sit next to the fraud team who were phoning customers and they get a lot of abuse. The sort we are all used to getting from olds when we question something. All the "how dare you question my transaction of course I know what I'm doing".

@countrygirl99 sorry to hear of the scamming. My Dad recently just avoided paying nearly £2k for hedge and garden cutting but did pay about £1k for work done to that point - we were away on holiday for two weeks at the time or I would have offered to be there. Luckily two sets of neighbours turned up to argue with the gardeners (not regular ones, a firm my Dad had rung from a leaflet) and see them off. Unfortunately the garden is so out of control I wonder sometimes whether it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. The hedges in question are easily twelve feet high and hard to access down the side of the house, plus there is a shed with an asbestos roof in the way which is itself almost covered in overgrown climbers. So it’s definitely a big job but hard to find someone who won’t take advantage.

@MereDintofPandiculation I agree about banks covering themselves. Part of the recent saga with Mum’s Barclays account was going into a branch to help her transfer money from her current account to a building society savings account. We had all the paperwork with us but part of the process is to verify the destination account name and number, which came up with a “not verified.” It doesn’t mean it’s wrong, just means it hasn’t matched. The third party system they use won’t match 100% anyway and I think BS accounts are harder to match because they’re not all linked up? Anyway they made a big thing of saying to Mum that they couldn’t guarantee the funds would go to the right place and was she still willing to make the transfer, which made her scared about it. All we had to do was double check the numbers in front of us had been typed in properly but they still wanted to push all responsibility to her. I complained and said it was unfair as there was no reason the transaction should fail but because this is part of their process and script they insisted it was her risk (and clearly had me down as awkward after that). The power balance is so asymmetrical I think it’s disgraceful. (It did work fine but Mum wasn’t happy til she could see the money at its online destination the next day).

@EmmaEmerald good luck with letting your Mum test her abilities - it will be good to know if she could manage in future. And if she can’t maybe she will appreciate your help more?

I am also worried about my Mum’s anger levels. She has always been an angry person with a temper but last week when I was there an argument arose with Dad and she really went for him (verbally). I remember her being like this when I was growing up (used to lie awake hearing them argue) so it’s not new exactly but I had forgotten how awful it is. The intensity of it and the utter contempt with which she spoke to my Dad, she really wanted to lay into him. Unfortunately he tends to argue back instead of just leaving the room (I remove myself, it’s like trying to reason with a drunk, you can’t) and it goes on and on.
Dad said to me he thinks Mum is in the early stages of dementia but I really don’t think she is - I think she’s always been like this - I less he’s seeing an increase in frequency. She is forgetful but no more I think than is normal for her age. She remembers important things, dates, people, what she wants to do, etc. I saw my aunt, her sister, descend into dementia some years ago and this is not the same. It’s more like the entrenchment of a personality disorder. No change in character .

@MotherOfCatBoy I get those verifications on all banking app payments, essentially saying are you sure this is genuine. First time I was freaked out but now I barely blink. The systems don’t always seem common sense do they? I have had many chats with banks and others about how there is a generation of people who want face to face help at a bank, land prefer cheque books and cash etc. For those with the funds there are banks such as Handlesbanken - your personal bank fee comes to your home, is on the end of a phone etc. Parents went to them But MiL not in their league With small income and savings.

@EmmaEmerald 🤞

Solidarity @MotherOfCatBoy My mother's behaviour has actually improved but I vividly remember this sort of verbal assault. Last time she tried on me I left her screeching. I didn't do my usual appeasing but just left her alone. Eventually (a month or so I think) my brother told me she was crying and couldn't understand why i wasn't talking to her ( i didn't do silent treatment I just removed myself from an unpleasant situation, and she didn't contact me) Broke the habit of a lifetime.
I hoped for an apology but evidently she dissociates as she claimed to have no memory of that or any other time she behaved similarly. However I rebuilt our relationship slowly, and remain very non committal (grey rock I think they call it) and she remembers enough to rein it in in my presence now. She relies on me so I think that shows some self awareness on her part.

It's really hard dealing with an ageing toxic parent.

What do you do when the needs of two people no longer seem to be compatible?

MIL and FIL, both 93, both in nursing/care home, together. FIL has dementia and shadows MIL constantly, holds her arm when he is sitting beside her, shakes her awake to check she is OK, sits next to her and stares at her whenever he can, goes into her room in the middle of the night and stands by her bed...

The staff are great and do what they can, diverting him to help water the plants or set the tables for dinner, or participate in activities, but he is reluctant to leave MIL 'on her own' and sometimes just refuses to go out on trips or join in with things. They also have several strategies to stop him going into MIL's room if he wakes in the night.

MIL is exhausted and frustrated and heartbroken to see her husband behaving like this. She really needs a break from him, and mostly just cries when we go to visit. She is barely eating and losing weight.

I remember times when my ddc were little and they had similar needs to be with me all the time, and to touch me. AT times I just wanted to run away and have a little bit of space on my own!

If they are seperated for too long, poor FIL panics, becomes paranoid. He must be so frightened about everything that is happening to him and being with MIL is the only thing that gives him comfort (or being with his children - but they can't be there all the time!).

The care home have a separate wing where FIL could go, joining MIL for meal times and at other times. It's what MIL needs but not what FIL needs. Somehow the family and care staff have to work out what to do for the best. It is so sad.

@SunshineGlamourIfOnly thanks. It is hard. When I was a teenager I was regularly a target but now she needs help she is mostly ok, if a bit distant/ disengaged. What is telling about the other day is that my DH wasn’t with me. He often comes to do odd jobs etc that they are no longer capable of while I do finances/ admin etc. She would never let fly in front of him because he is still a sort of stranger to her. But with just me there, there’s no restraint, and she lets the anger have full reign (even though I’m not the target, she pays no heed to my presence whilst ripping into Dad). So I think in a way she is in control of what she’s doing, and always has been.

@venusandmars sympathies. My PILs were like this when FIL was dying. They ended up on the same hospital ward and MIL couldn’t leave him alone and would constantly wake him up. That sounds harsh but she was having a complete nervous breakdown, having drunk herself to blackout in his absence in hospital (lifelong alcoholic) and then been admitted to clinically dry out. Of course no one begrudged them being together but for his last 10 days he literally had no peace. Drove DH and SIL mad.