Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere , I'd never heard of photo blankets! Thank you! I'll look into them. (It will prob get used as a dog snuggle but I can live with that!)

Hi everyone, I just noticed this thread, and came on to say hello. I post on other boards, but for those of you who don’t know me, or haven’t seen my previous posts elsewhere, I am visually impaired, I will be turning the big 40 in just under two weeks time, I recently bought a house, well, it’s a nice flat, it’s a penthouse, in Greece, and I’ve been having my fair share of adventures, both good, bad and ugly. As many of you know, on the news, we just went through a very bad wildfire, our area has a military base and next to the base. There is a warehouse full of explosives, which exploded last Thursday, scaring the hell out of me, since I was not Around this kind of thing before… I then found somebody to help me with the cleaning in my home, and she thought it was a great opportunity to take advantage of somebody. She perceived, as very vulnerable and alone. Thankfully, I caught on after just a few days, told her she was no longer needed on Wednesday, and then had to handle it, because she threatened to call the police on me for not having paid her… Thankfully, I have become clever through the years, very street wise, and had her sign every time she received money from me. I am also going to be making a sign for my door with cameras inside, and also put a chain on the inside. This woman was at my door, periodically for a few hours on Wednesday. Thankfully, things have calm down. So anyway, sorry for that, but now you know a bit about me.

my mom is 78, has loads of health problems, including nearly 60 days of constant diarrhea. She went for a colonoscopy a couple of weeks ago, I was up all night, drinking 7 1/2 bottles of water, to encourage her to drink her Gatorade on the medicine before her exam. We were having competitions… I am the person she is closest to, and in my case, it is difficult having a disability, but at the same time also, having an elderly parent who I am trying to support as best I can from far away. She is on her own, so I have been trying to find resources for her as best I can, we speak every day, and , we encourage each other when we can. I’m not sure how many people on this thread, in particular have the same issue, but it is free difficult when you have a disability, but you also have an elderly parent, because people see you as the main person who needs help, and expect the help to come from my elderly mother, who has her fair share of issues, can no longer leave her home, and needs a lot of help herself.

anyway, it’s nice to meet the rest of you, and maybe I will be able to pick up some ideas from all of you, and just be able to speak to people when I need to. If any of you on this thread, do you have siblings with special needs, and you have elderly parents, can I ask how people have been treating your parents? Do they say things like what will happen to your sibling when your parent dies? I find this extremely annoying, people say this to my mom, a lot, and my mom has her own issues to deal with.

on the plus side, I will be going surfing on Monday, it will be my first time ever on a surfboard, let’s hope I can find a swimsuit that is one piece and has a pair of shorts. I am very petite, I am about five stone 10, but I am almost totally blind, and don’t really feel like giving the entire beach view of my… Well, you get the idea.

Hellokitty I think we've met before, would have been under a different name for me. I think I gave you tips on nice London parks or something? I always prefer the quietest one I can find 😂

Internally gosh, I'm sorry, I wish I had some advice. Others may do though? My parents never did that. If my parents ever call outside the time discussed, they apologise, it has to be very important for them to do that. They're not text users.

My mum did try a random chatty call when she recovered from dad's death. I cried. It was like you are in this headspace where your parents don't exist and then they spoil it. It was probably shocking for her.

mauvish Families really are shit and after the love has gone (house points if anyone can name who sang that, lol, it's from the 80s) and the sympathy has gone too, there's no reason to put up with foibles. Looking at your mum makes me think I am being overprotective of mine, though some of it is to prevent more inconvenience to me.

Someone upthread suggested getting mum a PAYG phone, she has one, it's 40p a minute calls and she will never let me top up more than a tenner. I've offered to sort a ridiculously cheap contract many times, I'm on £8 a month and am allowed a second one on the same price. Well, that offer was made a year ago so it's probably expired.

@funnelfan Call the GP's receptionist and tell them that you are not able to get your mother to the surgery for a blood test. If they consider it to be urgent then they can send someone round to do it, otherwise it will wait until the next time she's through the door for something else. Routine things are all very well but not when it's a major performance just to get out of the door.

I took mum to all her doctor's appointments so I was surprised to arrive one morning and find her with a ball of cotton wool taped to her arm - a nurse had been out to take blood for something I didn't know about and mum didn't remember.

@funnelfan if the result of the blood test is going to be something like trying to change what she eats and drinks, and medication for diabetes, is that going to enhance her life, or just make it more difficult?
Because if it's just going to make things en more difficult than they already are, there is no point in having it.

The issue may well be that if the GP surgery doesn't try to act on a potentially abnormal test result, then they can be held guilty of negligence if the person suffers injury through that.

They will need to record that the problem has been fully discussed with your mum or someone on her behalf. This will be a lot easier if you have PoA. Then consent can either be given or withheld for further testing, but that consent has to be from someone with capacity who, if not your mum, has the legal power to give consent and is doing so in her best interests

So you need to have a proper discussion with someone at the surgery who needs to give you all the facts, and the pros/cons about further tests, before they are likely to take "no" for an answer.

@Hellokittymania I can't stand people who attempt to take advantage like that! Happy birthday for the near future.

@EmmaEmerald I'm feeling a bit annoyed today as parent playing up, pretending the carers haven't been in (thry have) - I feel a bit resentful because I might have to cancel my weekend plans and visit. We're not close and I've already visited this week. Not sure on the song? Kosheen did a good one "where's the love gone" but think that was 90s!

Hello everyone! @EmmaEmerald apologies for making assumptions about your relationship with your mother. I am glad you are putting boundaries in place- even though you were forced into it by a mental breakdown. It is so difficult to get the balance right isn't it?

My mother is doing and behaving quite well at the moment. She is getting noticeably more muddled but physically her health and mobility are improving.

There is a lot of denial about her limitations and she's quite convinced she's going to be driving again very soon. Thankfully she has already sold her car! Her optimism is probably a very good thing for her mental health but it takes a bit of a toll on my nerves.

She has a cleaner, a gardener and 2 hours of carers per day, but if i haven't visited for a day or two she'll come up with something very urgent that she thinks will make me drop everything and attend to her immediately. I'm not sure if she's doing it deliberately or if it's a subconscious thing. I've been working on saying no, as long as I know she's safe. She'll threaten to do things like change lightbulbs herself if I tell her to wait for the carer, and I've had to become comfortable with the possibility that she might do herself a mischief. She has started to accept that no means no. Generally she'll not do the thing, so I'm pretty certain it's manipulation. It's hard though!

@funnelfan where we live there are some charities that offer to help with transport to drs etc. Likely very booked up but worth investigating.

I have lost count of blood tests MiL has had at drs and two hospitals every visit. BUT I was away with two consultant surgeons that explained how GPs and junior doctors are scared of missing something that leads to life threatening issues.

MiL was put on a special pre diabetes plan about 6 years ago, she didn’t like it and was not particularly overweight but eats a lot of processed and sugary foods. The plan included regular visits to a local meeting with tips and chats about healthy living. Pre Dementia this was doable for her - now all she wants are chocolate eclairs which we buy her - she has lost so much weight in the last year that everyone, nurses included are no longer trying to retrain her sweet tooth. At 90 I think she can enjoy her treats👍.

met friends for coffee today, one was saying how a frail elderly relative had taken to wearing a high pair of diamanté covered shoes round the house - friend expressed slight worry of falls - but was forced to agree that they were elegant shoes. You have to smile - apparently after 2 days relative declared they were not comfortable and gave up with them.

Mum has been scammed. She had had some work done in the garden value £1200 at a generous tops. She's paid over £4000! We knew nothing until after the event and she'd already paid. She can't see that she's been overcharged. This is the woman who thinks £40 is extortionate for an outfit for her grandson's wedding and £2.50 for a 2 portion chicken ready meal is a rip off. But £4000 to trim a hedge and a couple of shrubs and dig up a fiesta sized patch of grass is fine.

Hi, thank you for the birthday wishes, I have just arranged to go to an accessible hotel in Crete, for anyone who does need to know this information there is a hotel that is disability friendly, called the Eria resort, and it only has 13 rooms, but it has lots of facilities and two restaurants and is quiet. I won’t have to share the pool with loads of children…

my mom is having tests done, they are not happy with her thyroid, but we don’t know much else yet. Does anyone have any ideas for what to do when a parent doesn’t like wearing diapers, is there anything else that would be comfortable to wear that she could just dispose? Also, she is housebound and doesn’t even really do her gardening anymore, partly because of her constant diarrhea. I don’t know if there’s a way to set up a little garden in the house, so she wouldn’t have to go outside. She lives in Florida, so it is very hard. She also loves painting, which she has been doing a lot of lately.

@Hellokittymania , in the UK you can get pull-up incontinence knickers for adults; Tena Lady is prob the best known brand. Apparently they are reasonably comfy and discreet! Might something like that be useful?

thanks all for the responses about mums blood sugar test. It’s not just the transport aspect, mum needs someone with her to advocate and “translate” if she’s having a bad day cognitively, when she just can’t process what’s going on. I do have POA, but as she’s still deemed to have capacity (such a low bar!) I’ve got limited influence as it won’t kick in until her capacity is gone. Having said that, her GP is lovely and very pragmatic and willing to talk to me as next of kin so I probably could have a discussion about it with her if I really wanted.

no one has said anything here that’s made me change my mind though. @TheShellBeach was pretty much on the same lines as my thoughts. As far as I know, her blood sugar has only ever got as high as “bit higher than normal, we’d better keep an eye on that” levels, and were still in normal range when she was in hospital over New Year. So I’m going to keep ignoring the invitations for now.

I appreciate that there’s probably a bit of a NHS culture of doing everything you can based on some patients expectations, doctor training and avoidance of being accused of mistakes/negligence. I do think in general it can lead to an over medicalisation of old age. Maybe I have an idealistic view of being allowed to just quietly fade away and not get propped up for a last couple of difficult years. And maybe I’d have a different opinion if mum had an underlying condition that needed to be treated, but on her last hospital stay she had a full work up and her heart, blood pressure, lungs, kidneys etc are all fine for a woman of her age so technically she’s in good health.

@countrygirl it is sad and shocking to hear about the scam price for the gardening. Do you know who the gardeners were? If you can’t claim some money back can you at least name and shame on local groups, neighbourhood watch, WhatsApp groups, ‘next door neighbour’. Even at SW London prices that amount would get a lot of gardening! Whether your mother understands it or not, this sounds like dreadful people taking advantage. Someone claiming to be a roofer tried to charge similar for a friends DF - luckily he mentioned it when she was visiting and she can cellar the work and got someone she knew to fix the small issue for £100 not the thousands he thought he had to pay. Usually if payment is via the bank the banks will ask questions, I assume it was a cheque and too late to stop it. 🙁

My brother phoned mum to find out what she had paid for when he saw the cheques go through and she told him it was none of his business so we've no idea. He's going to see if he can find out via the bank. When I went up Wednesday evening ahead told me she had trimmed the hedge and shrubs but she told my other brother she'd had someone in to do it when he went Friday. I tried to find out who she'd had do the work but she said she couldn't remember. She had someone trim the short hedge and shrubs last autumn and it was £250 so the only extra was removing a small bit of grass and putting down gravel. They haven't even put a membrane underneath so it's going to be full of weeds really quickly.
The really frustrating thing is I offered to do the grass and gravel bit last summer because I was so fed up of her telling me she was thinking about it several times every conversation but she said she wasn't sure she wanted it done.
Mum thinks she manages her finances with no help from anyone but DB organised direct debits for utilities as they used to pay bills at the PO, he pays her paper bill by monthly bank transfer because she got in a complete mess with it ladt year and she doesn't realise she pays for her daily care visit despite telling me she checks her bank statements every month.

@SunshineGlamourIfOnly your post really resonates with me, everything has to be done immediately/that day and I'm expected to drop all my plans, then when I go round it's not urgent at all
I'm becoming resentful and I'm ashamed at that
They don't want outside help as 'they are not at that stage yet'
I've told them I can't do it anymore several times, they nod then it all starts again

Not surprised you are resentful. It's not right at all.

the song is by Princess, called After the Love Has Gone.

i had my phone off for about 7 hours yesterday. It was amazing!

Sunshine I understand, mum's positive outlook means she doesn't like to plan for things. To be fair, dad was a bit like that. He was amazed when I brought a bag of practical stuff on his last emergency admission. When I told I had a grab bag for that sort of thing, he appreciated it, but mum just mutters "you worry too much".

Internally you have nothing to be ashamed of.

@countrygirl99 it is difficult, I hope you are able to find out a little more. MiL started struggling to understand her bank statements over a year ago and one day we found she had gone back to bed feeling ill and anxious because she misread her statement. Where it said something about her permission to go overdrawn (which she never did) she thought the statement was saying she was thousands overdrawn! Then she transferred nearly all her savings, which are quite low but nevertheless a strange thing to do, telling the bank it was to pay for a chair she had already paid for. Luckily she was happy to relinquish the account ! She was asking the Carers to turn the heating right down in January and February too because all the news stories were scaring her. We would turn it up when she wasn’t looking. She understood the small amounts but got confused over the larger ones. I hope the bank set up some alerts for your mothers account if they can. I am surprised they didn’t question unusual spending. 🙁

@Juneday sheen npnanind nnmy cheque so that goes through automated processes. If she'd paid by bank transfer it would be more likely to flag but it was in 2 payments. Possibly to reduce the likelihood of it being spotted.

im sorry @countrygirl99 , it’s such a large amount of money - everything to me now is how many weeks of carers visits it could pay for. Is your mum still in denial about it? I would be tempted to hide her cheque book so similar future payments are referred to you or your DB to action. I’ve hidden my mums bank cards for similar reasons, although thankfully she relinquished her banking to me a while back due to her failing eyesight. It’s one job I don’t mind at all.

Horrified to hear about the scams and financial worries. My mum got ripped off a couple of times in her last few months before her stroke. It's despicable. One was the 'friendly' local garage that she trusted. My sister had a satisfying moment on the phone cancelling something Mum'd been charged £2k for - instant capitulation, they knew we probably had a case against them.

@funnelfan DB took away her cheque book in January when she got in a mess and there were a load of missing cheques. But she got hold of another one and told him she was going to tell the police he had stolen it. DB is going to see if he can get all the remaining cheques she has stopped.

DF and DM were massively taken advantage of by a locksmith not long before DF died. He charged not much short of £300 for changing a broken lock and used the wrong size barrel. DH noticed it wasn’t fitting correctly after DF died and changed it himself at the cost of a fiver. Of course DM couldn’t remember who did it and couldn’t remember why they hadn’t just phoned us when it broke.

My mother paid a fortune for crap lock replacement too.

My brother fell victim to a cold-calling scam promising him 50% returns on wine investment. He eventually told my mother when the scammers got threatening (don't know how much money they'd taken but I suspect it was probably all the money he got from our grandmothers will). My mum then paid the scammers off!

I'm trying to work towards my bro getting a PoA as well as my mother doing the same but it's taken years of persuasion, explanations and nagging and we're still not there yet.

In the meantime Ive suggested that they ask me if anyone tries to sell them something over the phone again.

We had elderly neighbours taken in by roofer scammers. They wanted to do some work for us too and we flatly refused but they tried again, then they tried when I was on my own (presumably thinking a woman on her own was a soft touch!). We tried to warn the neighbours but they were reluctant to admit they'd been taken in by them. Then they recommended them to more elderly neighbours - three sets had work done in the end! All 'recommended' by people who had no clue what was going on.

We also let the children of the neighbours know, where we had contact details for them as they lived a long way away. But the neighbours were also reluctant to admit they'd made a mistake.

I did phone the local trading standards but I'm not sure if they did anything.

Those roofers must have made £1000s!