Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Ah totally @MotherOfCatBoy I take DH as protection if there's ever a sniff of attitude on the phone! She forgot herself and let rip in front of him once ( the day I backed off) and he admits now that he didn't really believe me till that day. I have a suspicion that it's because of him that she's behaving better. Like yours, she doesn't know him as well as she did my first husband, and she also has a healthy respect for his occupation ( authority figure) We refer to them as supervised visits. My children will not visit her alone either. So sad really.

@venusandmars my parents are now in the same care home after a months long separation (mum broke her hip). We might not have done this if they wouldn't be in separate sections. Both have alzheimers but dad is more advanced. Mum wouldn't have coped with being in the same section the whole time. Staff see how they both are, which section would be best for the 2 of them at any given time, and put them together as much as possible. The sleep situation alone would have me voting to have your parents in separate sections, I think.

@MotherOfCatBoy mine is like this. I finally realised a while ago that it's only me she lets fly at. And that she's in control of her behaviour as she doesn't do it to others.

So I don't see her on my own now. She behaves better if my DH is there or one of her friends. She also doesn't do it to my brother as he hardly ever rings her or interacts with her and she's terrified he'd just not bother with her. Whereas she thinks it's the daughter's role to run around after her.

I also noticed that she only does the loud theatrical groaning about her aches and pains when I'm there on my own but mysteriously not when anyone else is. So I just ignore any of that now.

@EmotionalBlackmail if any of my close friends read your post they will think I wrote it! I have exactly the same brother and I grumble about him and mother's response quite often!

@SunshineGlamourIfOnly oh dear!
I only see my brother a couple of times a year as we live so far away from each other and we never speak on the phone but a conversation we had a couple of months ago when I did see him indicated that he has absolutely no idea about what Mum can be like.

He also tends to come out with lines like it'd be "easier" if I did something for her next time she ends up in hospital. What he means is easier for him.

I think both of them will get a big shock at some point when I leave the pair of them to it.

I honestly don't know how some posters are coping without having breakdowns. Atm i find doing anything feels like climbing a mountain.

Saw Mum today. She was very tired so not sure how much of anything will be retained - I can't recall much either if I'm tired though!

She is determined to go to the hospital alone and the care home are happy with that.

She seems to have absorbed my point about getting a care agency rather than a bunch of randoms.

What are people's experiences like with agencies please?

She was baffled about why I told her doctor I'd had a breakdown. She wasn't annoyed, just couldn't see why they needed to be told. I think, as we are self funding, nothing will happen anyway, but she keeps hoping social services will provide something.

She is in a home very close to her own home, but one of her friends has called about visiting and is in a huge muddle about where it is. The lady is the type of person I think should have stopped driving ages ago. Her son rarely visits and I can understand why.

I think regular visits for chatting would be off the cards anyway as it's so incredibly depressing.

@Juneday Nat West/RBS have an over 60s phone line which is useful.

Mere I just googled that for Natwest and no luck, it seems a bit too good to be true?

God that would be amazing for all banks!

@EmmaEmerald re care agencies word of mouth locally is the best recommendation- gp surgery may have a view, adult social care should have lists on their county council website.
home instead are a national franchise with mostly excellent reviews but they are not cheap.
dm had a small local agency of an ex social services team who were v good.

@SunshineGlamourIfOnly @EmotionalBlackmail
wont derail the overall thread with moaning but omg I feel you. Hugs.
Am only child so just have to deal with it. Prob easier in some ways. Am visiting tomorrow with DH so will get best behaviour.

My ma was telling me about her dedicated NatWest number on Friday - she thought it was for the over 80s though…! She could not praise it highly enough - it’s the sort of thing that might even persuade me to move banks once I get to her age.

@MereDintofPandiculation really good to know that and I know other banks are aware they must do more. To be fair to Barclays I phone and they have been really helpful. MiL kept forgetting her phone passwords . I found endless new ones written on slips of paper. She thought the recorded message was a real person who wasn’t listening. 🙁.

Visit today and she was quite ‘with it’ and is now saying she knows she is safe and the food is good. Still a few anxiety issues and paranoid, but much more aware than before. Really lovely young nurse was with her when we arrived, MiL she says is her favourite 👍… She still thinks I am having twins which is biologically impossible (too old). 🤣. We got her sister on our phone for her, which I don’t think was such a good idea after all as she appears to have no idea how unwell MiL has been or of her dementia. She told DH several times ‘your mother doesn’t want to be in a care home!’ Seems to think MiL could walk if we fetched her walking stick🤔

she is elder sister (93) bossy and always right, MiL rather in awe of her…. Whilst being a little afraid and jealous too I think. I felt a little sad and upset because MiL is saying ‘I love you’ and sister barely responds more than ‘OK, bye’. She has apparently never forgiven us for not christening our children. - or so I was told some years ago. 😮

It started with Covid, maybe they’ve discontinued it?

The number is at the bottom of this page

I rang the Natwest number and it says to enter your online banking passcode.

Moaning is a large part of what this thread is for, surely!

Agree.

Thank you
the care home recommendation was Home Instead.

I have a feeling we will hear nothing from Social Services and that telling mum's doctor was irrelevant. I can't believe I'm already dreading her return home. I only got about 3 hours sleep last night.

@EmmaEmerald you need this time to focus on yourself, as much as you can. I understand your feeling of dread (been there) but you will not recover if you are continually imagining yourself in the next stage of your Mum's process. And ultimately you cannot be of any long-term support if you are not long-term strong enough in yourself.

How can you find a way to leave that to 'what will be' and be entirely absorbed in your own day-to-day life? Worrying about what will happen will not really make it any better or easier.

All meant very kindly and gently.

venusandmars "And ultimately you cannot be of any long-term support if you are not long-term strong enough in yourself"

I don't want to be her support any more though. Hence I dread everything. There is no one else to do it.

I hear you @EmmaEmerald , it's just endless , I've said time and time again that I can't do everything
Then they'll ring again or try my hisband/children
They won't consider paying for any help as they are 'fine' everything falls on deaf ears

venusandmars also, it's not really "worry" about what will happen. It's mostly fury that I can't just leave her to the care home. I really thought if she reached this stage, she'd go in a home or have a lot of home care.

InternallyScreaming I don't have anything like what you've got, demand wise. I have said in the past that sometimes it's worth getting angry, have you done that?

Sending you all strength always.
Today was my nans 98th birthday. We took her into town in a wheelchair for coffee and cake - me, sis, bil and 4 out of 6 great grandchildren. It still isn't enough. She's just rang me cos she dropped the stand to her plastic mirror and can't find it. The mirror does not need the stand to function so I've told her to ask the carer to find it in the morning. Fully expecting a further 'emergency' later to get me there. I love her but, I want to help her but I am getting to the point where I can't do this anymore. I cant be on call 24 hours a day. Physically there's not much wrong with her, it's all mental. She's lonely and bored. I get it. If 3 visits a day from the carer plus me and my sister isn't enough I just don't know what will be.
Sorry for the long post - i need to get it out

Just sit it out. It’ll pass you to a person eventually. Or put in a random 10 digit number.

@Nodancingshoes get it out. The relief of not having calls, and we only had it for a short while is huge. It is exhausting.