Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Mum5net that sounds as if the wisdom tooth might fill the gap left by the extraction? I didn't know they could come through at any point! I have a small mouth and a red letter day for me was having the last of my wisdoms extracted so the other teeth could kick back and relax.

I do wonder about their GP! Surely they see DF shuffles and is bent over and DM can’t walk without help but won’t use a stick. GP can’t treat against a patient’s will. If DM has come to see him about her cough, he can’t decide to address her walking instead. And I doubt whether he has time to do both, though you’d have thought he’d at least have asked the question.

Someone has probably said this, but if DF*s behaviour is new, or exaggerated compared with when he was younger, that could be dementia. So could shuffling. It’s easier to cope with things if you can keep reminding yourself he’s not being intentionally vicious

Mum5net "This might sound bad, but if your DM no longer lived nearby, would you enjoy your new home a lot more? Is the area right for you, even though you have less space? If you can’t put your anger aside, leave the decision for a bit longer."

Tbh I don't factor in mum being near any more, so it's not a problem. The area is lovely. I don't want to go on too much but there's a long list of problems with this flat.

This morning I realised another unpalatable truth...I might have to move again!

But I won't rush anything.

Teeth are a mystery. My dad's wisdom teeth started threatening to emerge when he was in his 60s but it turned out they were just having a little grumble. Went on for a few weeks.

@MereDintofPandiculation you are right on all fronts, he has always been a bit argumentative, for attentions sake I think, but he hates getting old and these outbursts seem related to that.

DM never sees her GP who she doesn’t like anyway and is impossible to get an appointment with. DM fell on her shoulder and was given an appointment with practise paramedic who said it’s just a bruise! I said you need an x-ray I have never known you in such pain, she got one on private health and it was a fracture. Eventually practise prescribed oramorph so that she could sleep. It took 6 months before the pain went and I think she saw the GP once. DPs don’t know that after paramedic said it was just a bruise I wrote to the practise and said please look at my mothers records, she never visits and never complains - she is in agony and not sleeping.

one grandson is a medical student my mother thinks after 2 years of classes (not hospital or surgery yet) she can just ask him everything instead. He is arrogant and/or not bright/sensible enough to say to her ‘I am not qualified you must see your GP, she even asked him to talk to their gardener about a problem and he seems to have given advice about cutting medication!!!’

DH had a call from nursing home that MiL has an infection and another screw has dislodged from ankle. She is on antibiotics and isolated in her room. DH was v busy at work so didn’t ask the questions I would have asked. I am assuming open wound again and infection at the wound site. Was surprised she is being isolated, she wasn’t last time that I am aware of. They said she isn’t happy! Hope we can visit this weekend but expecting very distressed lady.

It all seems never ending. I seem to spend most of my free time doing life admin for DM or feeling exhausted as a result. There's no acknowledgement or appreciation from her. All she wants is for me to take her out. I know she's bored - it's shitty that she's got cataracts so can't read or knit, but taking her out is so stressful. I'm scared all the time that she's going to fall and I couldn't lift her, I'm physically frail myself. Getting her in and out of the car is a nightmare. A risk assessment would have it as a two person job, at least. I can't manage it. I wish she'd accept that.

Yesterday she was in a foul mood. Her blood sugar has gone sky high because she's helping herself to so much sweet stuff. So, sweet stuff is off limits and she's having tantrums about it.

And all the time there's her bloody dog yap, yapping.

My psychologist phoned yesterday because she was worried about answers I'd given to a questionnaire. I told her I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I'm meant to be visualising being in my "safe" place. All I can do is visualise another day of DM.

@MissMarplesNiece sorry to hear your upset and worries, I am afraid empathy seems to diminish - in all elderly I have noticed this not just PWD. Are they any local groups, we have that can help with transport and days out, admin etc. Age Concern may have contact details, they also had vetted paid gardeners and cleaners - although there are waiting lists.

the sweet tooth issue is familiar, MiL was on pre diabetic diet through GP and fortnightly clinic, as soon as it ended she was back to cake, biscuits and bars of chocolate. When cleaning her flat I found chunks of chocolate everywhere, bedside, side of chairs, handbags, etc.

I hope you get the help and support you need very soon, you need a break.

I think if people have no experience of the reality of supporting an elderly person, they just can't imagine it. It's always been my reality because I grew up with a frail grandparent living with us - so everything was geared around always being available for them, not leaving stuff around to cause falls etc etc. Yet I have friends in their 50s who have never had to deal with this.

So you get people who think it would just be a sweet old lady sat quietly in the corner joining in the family meals you'd have made anyway and no effect on anyone else's life. Why on earth wouldn't you want them there and the "if it was my Mum..." line.

Whereas the reality of making adaptations, them waking in the night, never-ending confused phone calls, trying to get appointments which then means an entire day is spent at the hospital and getting there. I doubt most people who haven't had to deal with it have any idea about even doing the basics of washing and dressing for someone with poor mobility, the reality of incontinence or the way none of the supposed support agencies seem to talk to each other.

@MissMarplesNiece Become an especially bad daughter for these next few weeks and protect yourself. Let her admin gather dust if you can.
Getting in and out of the car is so much easier with a HandyBar Cheaper versions are available.

Yes, @EmotionalBlackmail , most people don't understand the reality of it. It's bloody hard work and feels relentless.

It's often things that should be easy that turn into really difficult problems. For example, DM needs to have flu & covid vaccinations. Sounds simple, ha ha ha. I've got to get DM to surgery which means the in/out of car struggle, car park at surgery is tiny so will end up parking 100 yards away. With DM that might as well be 2 miles, and it's up hill. Then there's the fuss of getting her ready to go there - she really pulls a face about Dr's appointments so I know there will be tears and shouting.

I don't give a shiny shite about the rest of it any more, but to cock up financially - new flat appears a very bad buy - now in possession of two flats riddled with issues and hard to sell. @EmmaEmerald Don’t be silly! You made the best decision at the time on the basis of the information available to you. You are in no way to blame if, in the light of later events and information, it turns out to have been not such a good decision. It’s something to deal with, but not your fault.

what would you say to a friend in your position? Don’t treat yourself any more harshly

@EmotionalBlackmail you're spot on.
Also unhelpful is when those with no experience of looking after an elderly relative tell you they could never put their loved one in a home. Wish those people would understand it's not a rash decision but one that has been carefully thought about. Once in the home, problems don't magically disappear, they just change.

Yes, I had a boss once, lovely man, and he gave me a piece of advice one night when we were fixing a computer system and I was dithering about a course of action - and that was just to make a decision. You can only base it on the knowledge and information you have at the time - it might not be the best or wisest decision but don’t blame yourself in retrospect. He was right.

@MissMarplesNiece please prioritise your own health and well-being. Can the surgery send someone out to your dm to jab her?

@EmmaEmerald there are times when many of make decisions that seem right at the time - moving closer to parents, moving near to our own dc to help with dgc, moving to an ideal dream location... then things change - dc move to Australia (or in my case you have a falling out over a dog!), the dream location turns out to have a new road built adjacent to it. We cannot predict these things. We make our decisions in a spirit of optimism for how wonderfully things might turn out, that is not stupid, that is hope, which is a good thing. It is also a good thing to be reviewing now and to be able to consider other possibilities.

to all those who are going through the difficult struggles. In the year that dh and I were 50 we met up with our very close friends, also both 50. We celebrated our milestone birthdays of course but also celebrated that unusually we still had 8 living parents between us, all of them in their 80s. Now we are in our 60's and there are 2 parents left between us. To be honest, those of us who have lost our parents feel more fortunate. However difficult those times were, the first four to die were somewhat predictable (advanced Parkinson's, chronic heart failure etc) and the really difficult periods were comparatively short - only a few months. MIL died earlier this summer age 93 - a merciful relief as she was in terrible pain, desperately unhappy and wanted nothing more than to leave this world. Now the two remaining parents (both men) have advanced dementia and are either horribly lonely or distressingly confused.

So MIL is dying. Dying slowly but dying and probably won't make DHs birthday next month if she even makes next month. Today DH gets a call from the care home to say they are concerned because, when they were washing her, they found a lump in her breast and wanted the doctor to check it but thankfully he said there's no point. Why ask someone to poke about and distress her now?

I'm sorry @countrygirl99 . The care home probably is following procedure because somewhere there will be a family who would want a lump checked out even in that situation. Wishing your MiL peace and comfort in her final days, and also for you, your DH and family.

@EmmaEmerald I don't wish to join a pile on about you feeling angry about yourself, although I agree 100% with posters expressing dismay at this! Your emotions are completely valid - albeit I'm sorry you are experiencing them. A thought I had was that it may be possible that the anger at yourself may be part of the healing process you are doing from the breakdown. Are you accessing any form of talking therapy at the moment that would help you explore your emotions?

@countrygirl99 I'm so sorry 🌺🌺
@venusandmars very interesting observations.

@funnelfan we've already agreed no more hospital trips and no more tests, keep her comfortable only. She was having blood tests twice a week and getting really distressed and as she bruises very easily her arms were black and blue they were causing real pain.

The suffering that elderly people go through is horrible and distressing to see when we love them and care about them so much.

@countrygirl99 , my DM also bruises so easily - her arms and hands are purple with huge bruises, and she gets so embarrassed about them. I'm so sorry to read about your MiL - I hope she finds peace quickly. It must be such a sad time for you & your DH.

My DM's surgery doesn't do home visits. Very poor really, they must have many patients like my DM where visiting the surgery is very, very difficult. It makes me cross really; we can have home visits from a hairdresser, chiropodist, optician etc, but the people who are meant to have their patients' well being at heart - GP surgery - doesn't have a person to do home visits.

Can't the district nurse do the vaccinations?

@countrygirl99 right decision and I do hope she is comfortable, and you and family are holding up.

MiL wound has opened up again, screw came out yesterday and she has tested positive for MRSA. She is on antibiotics and hospital told nursing home they couldn’t see her until November so the home rang an ambulance and sent a nurse with her. DH has gone to see if he can find her in an isolation ward and discover what the plan is. She will likely be confused and distraught…. 🙁.

Sending 💐 to everyone battling with problems with/on behalf of their "olds". Im feeling especially fragile today after visiting my DM yesterday. She's so unhappy, but it's stuff I can't do anything about - old age stuff. Even though I know that, I feel really sad and upset that I can't make things better for her.

It doesn't help my frame of mind that she's so bitter about her life & everyone. Yesterday she was vile & told me no body has ever thought of her or done anything for her. I know it's frustration because she's so physically frail and can't do what she wants when she wants, but it's also so unfair because so many people spend so much time and energy trying to make life as nice and comfortable and pleasant for her as possible. And I find it upsetting to here her say that.

DH has been diagnosed with heart failure on top of the cancer. Medical appointments are running at two a week at the moment, half f which he wants me with him for note taking. If it were my Dad i’d be resenting it hugely. Interesting the difference a relationship makes, isn’t it?

Thank you everyone for the kind comments
I think the anger probably is just something I have to go through

Mum's brain MRI results finally came through. They don't think there's been any further damage since the stroke in November.

Frankly this is unfortunate for me because

a) it means my mother's decision making has been real and not impaired, to some extent? There are "normal age related changes" on the scan apparently. So...she had all her brain function while expecting me to be carer.

b) it gives her more grounds to get rid of the carer. But she has emergency contacts now through the care agency. I don't leave my phone on 24/7.

MissMarplesNiece I know it seems unthinkable, but it's more than time to step back. Really all of you should step back. It was the best thing I could have done. I refuse to take mum out. I'm going over there tomorrow for what will be a couple of hours - that's more than enough.

If you say you are ill, will she just phone you and scream and cry?

Really you need your sister to sit her down and say that you're ill, no one can cope and either she needs to find somewhere to live of her own accord or go into a home or sheltered housing.

Really sorry to hear this 💐