Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere and @seanbeanmarryme Thinking of both of you and your aged P's - it's so difficult seeing decline in those we care about

Thank you @MissMarplesNiece
Been a bit of a roller coater recently, find it hard seeing Dad get upset. Wishing everyone on here a stress free weekend.

Watching this with real interest. My DM is in the early stages of dementia I suspect and I’m dreading all this coming down the line at me. I recognise some of the behaviours, ringing at inappropriate hours, becoming fixated on certain subjects only to suddenly forget about them. My mother also has sudden suspicions that people have stolen things from her or are cheating her. Random rude and unpleasant outbursts that have resulted in the past in me going NC for months. I see it is all part of a pattern now. I have blocked her on my landline to avoid being woken at 6 am or whatever and only take her calls on my mobile. I have assigned her a special ringtone so I know it’s her . I’m intending to move areas next year which will leave her without any family support. My brother lives fairly close but never visits unless he wants something. My other sibling lives at the other end of the country. Going by these threads I am wondering if I can really do that now.

@Myneedycat dementia can last many, many years you can't put your life on hold for potentially 15+ years. It was apparent to family that my mum was early stage dementia by the time of the Brexit vote, so over 7 years ago. She had a formal diagnosis late 2020 when we finally managed to get her to the GP. Still early stage and needing support rather than care but otherwise absolutely nothing else wrong with her. We could easily be looking at another 10+ years.

DM is still stuck in hospital. Covid is rife there, she is testing negative but she has a chest infection. The nurse checked her notes and confirmed what the Home understood - she can not be released until the lift has been repaired because of Health and Safety yet three weeks ago it was not an issue at all. Now she is stuck in the frailty ward (I say "ward" - it's more like an underground bunker with no natural light and two patients in a bay designed for one. She knows no one by name and so many of the staff are doing odd shifts on the ward because they are so stretched and there's no chance she will get to know anybody. The lift may take another two months to repair - who knows?

I have contacted a local hospice charity (I am already in touch with them to prepare an end of life plan) to ask if they can assist with transport. I have written to our Welsh government MP and the Welsh Minister for Health.

I am considering contacting the Daily Mail - I am that desperate to get her home!

Oh @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that sounds really awful. Would PALS be any use? Keep fighting. Local bbc?

I am going to wait until Monday when I will have calmed down a bit. I need to establish whether there were any issues getting her up the stairs last time - did she panic and make it dangerous? Have they any idea when the lift will be fixed? And any other questions that might occur to me while I stew about it! I also want to ask the hospital what the plan is moving forwards - will she stay put for the next 6/8 weeks? She is paying care home fees (together with the local authority). Will she be expected to carry on when she isn't using the service? Should I look for a new placement for her? I really hope not because the staff at the home are so lovely.

Also I heard last night that one of her favourite cousins (she has A LOT of cousins but this one she was close to) may be moving to her care home and it would mean so much to her to be with her cousin.

So deep breath! Try to calm down and prepare a list of questions for the home, for the hospital and PALS.

Oh hairbrush!!

Could the home put her into a ground floor room temporarily?

Of course you haven't got time but I really hope you can send an extremely crisp email to her GP asking them to reconsider whether her best interests in the future ever involve hospital admission. It's their fault avoiding a decision that has landed her in this situation. And I don't diss GPs lightly.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere what a nightmare. Hope you get a suitable resolution soon.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I really feel for you. Mum was only in hospital for 10 days last year and it was the most stressful time ever, hope you can get something sorted soon.

I hadn't thought to write to the GP. I will get his details from the home.

She was quite used to the routine in the home. My uncle would visit one day a week and my cousin and I would visit another. Through the week she had activities and friends around her. We feel while she is in hospital we need to keep visiting but it is so expensive. I go by bus and it's an hour, door to door so three hours every day. It sounds so mean to resent it but I don't even know how much pleasure she gets from this strange woman appearing at her bedside!

My cousin is willing to take me but she works full time, she has her own family to look after and other commitments. But we can't just abandon her.

oh @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere who could have thought it would go in this direction ? Sending strength by the bucket load - once I’ve emptied them if rain. Whatever care home we were in the weekend response was weakened simply because they were on lower staff. Hopefully, the care home will have been thinking creatively these past 24 hrs to offer a solution. The reverse argument of bed blocking also comes into play with hospital discharge. Did someone actually visit the home from discharge team in the past few weeks or are they just being ultra cautious. ( like another patient ?) Hopefully, too, doctor steps up and realised they have brought more issues. Fingers crossed all Monday -Friday teams can work together for DM’s best interest.

I have just phoned the home and they have had a call from the discharge team saying she will be back today! I was going to contact PALS and thought I would ring the home to check that there had been no issues three weeks ago when they brought her home. If she had panicked and lashed out going up the stairs or something she might have caused a problem but no, she was fine.

The nurse has said she has been in and freshened mum's room to be ready for her so the plan is to get her back to her room! I am so pleased. Even if transport doesn't materialise today but she can get home tomorrow that will be ok. I just couldn't bear the thought of her spending an indefinite time on the ward.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere great news

Everything crossed for your dm 🤞

I just couldn't bear the thought of her spending an indefinite time on the ward

I don't blame you, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere and I'm really glad to see your update. Fingers crossed.

I hope it all works out for your mum, @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere . It certainly doesn't sound as if staying in hospital would be in your mum's best interests. And having her cousin in the same place would be a massive boost for her, so I really hope that falls into place too.

Pleased to read your update @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

Got to the home today to find Dad showing Mum their wedding pic from 59 years ago and trying to tell her who he is.
She spent the whole time either rubbing her hands along the chair arms or licking her fingers and trying to clean her trousers. The nurse said that she had eaten but had to be helped.
Dad was very tearful when we left as doesn't like leaving her unsettled, but I did try to tell him that she seems content in her world. Am finding visits increasingly difficult.

So sorry to hear about all the disasters
i sometimes wonder how we are still standing.

I said the unsayable in real life today almost by accident. I was talking to a friend with a similar age mum. I was actually discussing with her the fact that I regret moving (or at least buying this particular flat which is apparently made of cardboard) and should I move back to my old place.

Anyway, she wasn't thinking at all about the practical and financial side, just kept asking how I'd cope with the journey to mum, how I'd keep an eye on mum etc.

It took me several attempts to get her to understand that none of that is even on my priority list. When the penny dropped, she said "but aren't you worried about your relationship with your mum?"

I said "no, all I want is for the next emergency call to not be my problem".

So then I got "what if she dies?"

I said, "trust me, if you were on your fifteenth emergency call, you might not be worried about that either".

She was shocked. But her mum is still organising community events etc. I explained that mum still constantly expresses her desire to die and she was genuinely appalled, said she's never heard of an elderly person saying that! She also has no concept of emergency buttons, key safes, no idea where the local care homes are.

I hope for everyone's sake that her mum continues hale and hearty and cheerful till the end. It's strange talking to someone like that. She was also shocked that post breakdown I just pop in for a cuppa once a week. Said "can't you do more, it must mean so much to her". Grr.

I assume she didn't ask how YOU were doing?

I think it's very difficult for most people with normal, healthy relationships with active parents to imagine what it is like to care for an elderly, frail and/or demented parent. And the relentless reality of the impact it has on everyone's life. It's not just popping round a couple more times a week for a cup of tea. It's difficult for them to understand you're not frightened of receiving The Call either.

There was a recent thread in AIBU about a couple planning to move three parents/in-laws into the family home as they have the space/annexes to do it. Most posters on the thread were so supportive of multi-generational living and how fantastic it will be for the grandchildren, and all I could think of was what kind of life the wife will have in 15-20 years time when the kids have left home and the parents are all in varying states of frailness.

TucSandwich OMG i haven't had one of those for years! Do they still sell them? They're addictive!

Yes, she did ask how I was. I was in floods of tears this afternoon about property and financial issues - she was very helpful even though some people might see it as a "diamond shoes too tight" situation.

It was during the discussion about practicalities that she kept overriding the £ side with "what about your mother". It's surprising to me that at 55, she hasn't had other friends in my situation - I'm 47 and have been dealing with parental health issues for years. But, it might be that no one says the hard stuff in real life.

funnel I don't say this in real life but as a child, I was grateful not to have grandparents and all the obligations that brings. I would worry for any family doing multi generation. It could get miserable for all concerned.

The "best" carers for parents that I've known have been men. But, I am starting to see a lot of unhappiness in one chap, - he's lashing out at work - and the other now has health problems that I think he might have avoided if he hadn't cared for his mum for ten years+. She's passed now and while he admits it was hell, he says "I don't regret it, it was the right thing to do". I find myself wondering if he just can't face up to the regret. Worst thing is, he wanted her to go in a care home but his siblings objected because of potentially losing their inheritance!

@EmmaEmerald a couple of years ago we still had all 4 parents alive, all.with significant issues. My parents an hour away in one direction, ILs an hour away in the opposite direction. We'd had a period of almost daily emergencies on both sides and for the 3rd time I'd had to tell mum, who has alzheimers, that there was a chance dad might die this time and no the hospital weren't allowing visiting unless he was definitely dying. I told someone I envied orphans and they were horrified.

Someone once told me I was lucky both my parents were dead. I think both sets of parents in her household were in the frail/ailing/dementia stage, and even though my own parents barely got a whiff of retirement between them, I knew what she meant. She was exhausted trying to cope with a full time job and running around trying to handle all the emergencies that come with stubborn independence and dementia.

@Myneedycat my mum sounds at a similar stage of dementia to yours. I live 3 hours away and she has some support where she lives but needed more. I managed to find a personal assistant who is amazing. She is self-employed not agency and she has really taken responsibility for supporting her. Then, as the dementia progresses, the PA can do more care. I was looking to move her closer to me and that's still possible but she has even more to lose so I'm thinking to leave her at home for as long as possible! The PA support means I get help with all the admin and I can spend my time with her doing nice things. We're going for a spa in a few weeks!