Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

My son has done so well. Proud mum.
As for my DP they are resistant to a retirement home or anything which suggests that they can't cope. I know they'll struggle to afford something close to me and I don't want to see them renting into very old age. Any expectation of help/care would come from my father as he is old school. I guess just posting here and reading older posts is my way of thinking about what boundaries I need to set and to have them in place well ahead of time. I have thought about counselling and will see what I can find.

I don't want to see them renting into very old age

@Dutiful if they do, this would be a consequence of their own actions and decisions. Please do think long and hard about what your boundaries are. I would suggest no more money for a start.

@Dutiful I guess with supporting your son, you have recent real life experience of navigating the social care housing system. Would they be aware of the vast differences between warden care and a care home if they have been out the country? Housing Options Later in Life

I'm also guessing that they have been living outside the UK for at least 30 years if they left when you were 18 Dutiful. The country has changed a LOT in that time - even over the last few years the change is shocking. They may be making decisions based on assumptions from when they last lived here, eg availability of housing, costs including heating, ease of "getting someone in", ease of making a GP appointment etc.

Can anyone tell me if you can register an LPA with NatWest online?

DH registered MILs at the beginning of this year and had to go to the branch.

@countrygirl99 I thought you might say that 🙈

Barclays made us go into the branch. Took over an hour. And couldn't get an appointment for 3 weeks

Same with Santander. I think the issue for banks is being able to prove you are the person named on the LPA, hence having to turn up in person with your own ID.

I registered the LPAs for my parents online with Santander along with my ID. They accepted the one for my mum but not the one for my dad. He's the one who's just gone into a care home but he's younger than mum (less than 80) so maybe that's why?

Did you register your mum and dads at the same time? I can’t think of a reason why you could do one online and not the other but maybe an element of it being dependent on which member of staff you deal with. Or just random!

Same has to be in branch for ID checks and money laundering regulations. I had to wait 6 weeks for appointment but was told it was because it was near end of tax year and everyone needed to organise their ISAs!

Have had a call from the home. Mum has deteriorated again. The Nurse in charge and I both agreed that she shouldn't have to go into hospital but we don't have an end of life plan in writing. The GP was called and he phoned me. Her sats are poor and he thinks she has a chest infection. They have not received the paperwork from A&E from her time there two weeks ago so he has to treat this as a sudden deterioration and admit her to hospital. I am not happy but he felt he would be negligent if she was not admitted. There is a possibility that she will improve with oxygen if she has a virus or intravenous antibiotics if it is a bacterial infection.

He also had a copy of a CT scan showing evidence of an historic stroke and vascular dementia. That has actually left a sense of relief - it is dementia, not lack of stimulation, not depression because I am not caring for her at home. It has been diagnosed and I could not have done anything to prevent it.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I understand your frustration at the hospital admission and the relief at the diagnosis.
We were at the same stage with MIL a couple of weeks ago but at least now it's agreed that there will be no further admissions or blood tests.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thinking of you- you must feel quite helpless and feel frustrated. And you could not have prevented this. 🌺

I feel sad and cross that she has to be messed around but also like a huge weight has been taken off of my shoulders. I didn't realise how guilty I felt but knowing that there is a physical reason for the dementia has made me feel so much better.

I'm glad you feel better at the diagnosis hairbrush 💐

It’s amazing what a difference that knowledge makes to how you think about things. Fingers crossed for the right outcome for your mum.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere getting that diagnosis makes so much difference doesn’t it. Today I had a bit of a heated discussion - long story - about something that DH was told I had said - by proxy - that I knew I hadn’t . I realised MiL had said ,DiL says blah blah’ (her dementia at the time wasn’t diagnosed despite my hints to DH about concerns). A full year later this conversation is repeated back from third party blaming me for something and DH said ‘well what can I say?’.

MiL’s confusion at that early stage was the reason for the wrong message was passed on but saying that would sound petty of course. So many similar issues now make sense. No person wants to admit they are struggling and it is often hard for immediate family to grasp it too - and I think the ‘memory test’ is inadequate and lacking in depth.

I understand how you feel about hospital too - I hope she gets quick and kind care.

Hairbrush that is frustrating about the hospital but a relief about the diagnosis. It's a long old road.

I am still a Bad Daughter and as it's Friday evening, I'll be settling back with an alcohol-free eggnog and a caramel-covered cockroach.

I have had the most frustrating week. Yesterday morning she moved from A&E to the frailty ward in the morning and they told me there she would be going home. I rang to check she'd gone because my cousin wanted to visit only to be told that she couldn't go home because a risk assessment needed to be done because the lift was broken. (Clearly the one they did 3 weeks ago no longer holds!) We saw her and she was speaking quite clearly - delighted to see my cousin but when she saw me she asked in a stage whisper "Who's that woman with you?" But took off my glasses and got up close to her and she seemed to accept that I was her daughter!

They told me she would be leaving around 11 this morning. I eventually got through to the ward and they told me that they were still waiting. A bit of toing and froing with my cousin and we decided to visit. I took 20 minutes to get through to the ward and asked if we could come up although we didn't mind if it was a wasted journey because she had left. "Oh, no she won't be going today!"

So we visited and she looks horrendous. Her breathing is laboured and wheezy. Her eyes are crusty and watery and she couldn't really talk about anything. She did say "I just wish I could close my eyes and go" so we played dumb and said that we could see she was tired so we would leave her in peace.

So tomorrow it all starts again when I ring them after 11.30 a.m. to see where she is!

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you.🌺🌺

Does anyone have any experience or knowledge of low blood pressure in Alzheimers patients?
Mum is at late stage and in a nursing home. She has had a fall and fallen out of bed thus week and last Sunday the ambulance was called due to concerns about her low blood pressure.
Thr home have asked the GP to review her but just wondered if this is common, she has declined quite a bit 8n the last couple of weeks.

Is she drinking much? It's pretty normal in Alzheimers to drink less and less as it progresses, which lowers blood pressure?

There might not be much that's reasonable for the GP to do im afraid.

Thank you @PermanentTemporary The home are trying to get her drink.
On Sunday she could no longer hold a mug of tea and I got it put in a beaker for her. She had to be encouraged to have some sips.
Dad saw her on Wednesday and was very worried as she wasn't eating. I then called in on Thursday and she was a different person and eating again.
This morning she's fallen out of bed after having a good day yesterday