Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@Juneday actually yesterday evening dh and I spent some time starting to think about music for her funeral (she has done none of this planning herself) and it was a really nice time to reminisce about her playing the piano, or songs that were played on the family record player. And there were some very funny moments of black humour!

@venusandmars I'm glad it was peaceful after the last few months of turmoil.

@venusandmars I'm glad for your husband's sake that the final goodbye was a speedy one. The waiting is crippling.

FIL may not feel the loss providing that people don't remind him. She's still going to be there in that place in his head where he has all the people he loves held all together. If there's someone in the family that thinks the right thing to do is to tell him, again and again then they need the briefing before they make his remaining days worse than they need to be.

venusandmars I understand your relief.

is there a snuggle couch in the cafe? And we could do with some cats maybe!

@venusandmars I'm glad it was peaceful and those who needed to be where there.
IME FIL could go either way. A friend's mum didn't remember her husband had died but was perfectly happy to be told he was visiting his brother for a few days. My mum, on the other hand, constantly feels dad's death as if it was very recent. She thinks she sorted out dad's clothes "the other week" when it was 18 months ago. Hopefully your FIL will be more like my friend's mum.

Thanks @Knotaknitter I am more accustomed to these things than dh's siblings, so once we see how things are turning out I will try and get the message across - actually I think dh's head is in the right place on this, so he can possibly do much of it - by example when they visit together.

A friend had the opposite facet - she was getting married and her Mum did not remember from one moment to the next. Every time she heard the news she was delighted!!!! My friend said she never knew you could become wearied with someone's happiness.

@venusandmars so sorry for your loss but glad that you are able to reminisce together.

After increasing experience of funerals I am less and less keen on ones that have been planned by the deceased - have what helps you/FIL.

@venusandmars that’s a good thing to occupy you and hope you find some lovely music and black humour gets us through.

We had a very tough funeral last year with suitably quirky music that was both sad and funny. Started with Queen Who Wants to Live Forever and ended with Simple Minds don’t you forget about me. Needless to say a humanist funeral for a 50 something which was both incredibly sad and full of laughs. Brings tears and smiles whenever I think of our friend and his family. Can’t ask for more.

@venusandmars , I'm sorry for your loss, but at the same time glad for you and your MIL that this is over. I hope the funeral planning goes well: I'm dreading that stage, and only wish MIL had put something in place to cut out arguments about 'what she would have wanted '. Still. A different style of tension to look forward to.

your parents possibly have public liability insurance as part of their house insurance

It can give solace to the bereaved partner that they are following their loved one’s wishes.

@MereDintofPandiculation "It can give solace to the bereaved partner that they are following their loved one’s wishes."

My mum has always said that she wants to be rolled in a bit of old carpet and thrown in the dock. While I don't think I will be following her wishes to the letter I do think a direct cremation type thing would be her choice. She has always hated funerals, has not been to a family funeral and only perhaps two if that for parents of friends.

My brother fretted that he hadn't discussed funeral arrangements with dad and wasn't sure what was arranged was what he would have wanted. But what we did was what mum wanted as well as she could express in her grief and she was the one there to see it. And tbh I think brother was irked it wasn't entirely what HE wanted and he's a bit "what I like is the right way" about everything.
I know they had discussed arrangements together but between grief and alzheimer's mum scarcely new what music or flowers she wanted and kept forgetting she'd made decisions which made it tough for us. If we knew what they had discussed it would have made our lives easier.

If it's a big family then I think it helps if the deceased made their wishes known because it reduces the potential for arguements. There's no room for discussion over what they would have wanted if they actually specified what that was. When my husband died his sister decided what undertaker I should use, what flowers I should have, what the casket should be like and I let her because it was easier than arguing. It upset me at the time and I'm still thinking about it now. I can't think what it would have been like if there had been more people trying to make decisions.

Both DH and his sister are a bit my way is the only way too, and as they rarely see eye to eye on things it can lead to all kinds of fun and games. MIL has occasionally spoken about the kind of music she'd like at her funeral service in general terms, but whether that would be good enough for either sibling remains to be seen. FIL is the kind of man who'll go with the option that looks as if it would cause the least friction, whatever his own feelings on the matter might be.

DF had mentioned to me that he wanted the socialist anthem The Internationale played at his funeral but DM vetoed that. We played it at the (tiny due to Covid) wake instead.
She was very clear about what hymns she wanted for his funeral and I think choosing them gave her great comfort. I think grief and Alzheimer’s blurred a lot of things for her during that period and I had to sort flowers and other music but tried to go with things I knew meant a lot to them both. She’s specified that she wants the same hymns at hers.

Organising a funeral with someone who has alzheimer's is not for the faint hearted. I spent a whole afternoon going through possible music with mum as all she could say was classical which still leaves a very wide choice. A few minutes after leaving the house she phoned me to tell me the hospital had just called and dad had died. He'd been dead 7 days, we'd met the undertaker, discussed music, readings, how he would be dressed, the wake and had a meeting with the celebrant, all of which she was involved in. She decided on white flowers then forgot she'd looked at flowers and wanted a coloured arrangement and then back to white the next day.

Just catching up. I’m sorry for your family’s loss @venusandmars but am glad the passing was as quiet as it could be, and it brings some peace.

I have just had a message that I stupidly wasn’t expecting, my father has had a fall and 999 was called, they decided he didn’t need hospital and I am on a train home soon and will ring my mother who is the one that was getting a falls alarm. I hope this encourages them both to organise one each. I don’t know any details but I do know my mother has no bedside manner and will struggle to help my father. Wake up call all round.

@venusand mars I hope arrangements are going smoothly and there is lots more for family support.

JuneDay sorry to hear that. Good that he didn't need hospital. I take it you'll need to stay the night and so on?

I was in the high street earlier and walked past a mother and daughter, I'd guess in their 60s and 90s. The daughter was shouting "you always do this, mum" and the mum was saying "and you always get worked up about nothing" and walked away with her mobility thing, you know the folding ones.

I physically winced. So many of us in horrible situations.

@EmmaEmerald my parents live miles away but luckily great neighbours came to the rescue and SiL and brother going to visit anyway so offering to get some shopping etc. I have spoken to my father and told him to get a GP appointment asap to talk through possible causes. I am a fainter and have had two visits to A&E because I collapsed out cold, I had endless tests. conclusion ‘you are just a fainter’! But I know it is best to check out all possible causes, so they must do this for an 86 year old surely!! 🤞.

JuneDay my mum still has numerous appointments coming up to investigate her falls, it hasn't been an issue to get it looked at.

She's found the general geriatric clinic to be the most helpful as they take a holistic view - what with stroke, vertigo, POTS, you can end up seeing a lot of specialists but geriatric seems to be a good co-ordination point and they take her more seriously. For instance, like me, she can be over sensitive to medication and need a much lower dose than is normally given.

Also, they've paid more attention to the warning signs. For instance, stomach cramps and reflux will often lead to an episode of severe dizziness. The heart dept and other depts were all "oh there can't be a link" but I think with frailty, all kinds of things can be linked.

on the guilt thing
a friend said to me, innocently, that mum probably lived better and longer because of all the care I put in at the start when dad died.

it made me feel guilty that I won’t be giving that care any more.

Your own health is as important as your mother's, though.
You should not feel guilty at all.
You've sacrificed a lot and made yourself ill recently. Please let yourself heal, mentally and emotionally. Put yourself first for once.

@EmmaEmerald don’t feel guilty, plenty of us can’t easily do what we sometimes feel we should. You will be more help and better company if you feel well and rested

the stomach link is fascinating and being researched. It is stomach issues that lead to my fainting. My dd is coeliac and iga deficient so I have learned lots about immune system and diet and the huge impact it has on every part of the body. Vit d deficiency goes alongside stomach issues and can cause anxiety, same for b12 deficiency. Coeliacs are often prescribed vit supplements whilst dietary changes are made. It takes months to repair the damage that gluten has caused to someone with coeliac, any stomach issues affect absorption even temporarily and therefore affects mood, growth, joint pain etc etc. Vasovagal nerve is a complex thing.