Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Coincidentally, this was in the Guardian the other day

@JunedayInteresting. My DD was hospitalised briefly two weeks ago after fainting and has been undergoing tests for coeliac among other things. She has an endoscopy booked for next week. She has regular B12 injections and her vit D is always shockingly low. (As is mine). She has a load of autoimmune things going on (asthma, hashimotos, costochondritis) so I wouldn’t be surprised.

DM managed to defrost her freezer accidentally yesterday. No big deal, we salvaged some stuff and threw others away but she was so upset at herself, blaming her age and and memory. I felt really sorry for her.

ShellBeach JuneDay funnily enough I started a thread about recovery, and I said on it that all my life I put myself first, and stopping that is partly why I had the breakdown.

BestisWest if it's any consolation, please tell her that recent/new builds have clearly labelled switches as standard, otherwise we would all be making mistakes like that.

This vagus nerve and stomach stuff is really useful - it has never once been mentioned at mum's appointments. Mum still does yoga breathing exercises but has taken advice re suitability for heart.

@BestIsWest it is a mixed blessing if she gets a diagnosis, which with coeliac being so existent with asthma and other autoimmune conditions, if the biopsy is positive the relief of knowing that she will recover and start to feel significantly less tired, amongst other things. DD used to fall asleep after school. It takes some adjustment and it is hard with elderly family who struggle to understand, but if she is coeliac she will see an all round improvement, brain fog, pain, tiredness will all slowly diminish.

shame about the freezer, spoke to an aunt yesterday 88 years old and very chatty and on the ball said she couldn’t believe she fell for a trickster/scammer - driveway cleaning - but luckily has great neighbours who appeared and scared him away - ended up with her drive being cleaned and him running before taking the hundreds he asked for. But she said she felt so ridiculous and that is the sad thing. She is so sharp and also so sensible with money.

MiL is telling everyone in the home that will listen, that none of her children are alive. Hopefully it won’t scare her when DH and I visit tomorrow and another son on Sunday.

Feeling guilty because I lost it with my Mum (and DF) the other day and snapped because they were arguing and bickering pointlessly between them - honestly she could argue with the gate post and she never wants to move on from something settled, she’d rather needle my Dad and make everyone feel like she’s a victim.
… She wants a new garden shed and I am doing my level best to walk her through demolishing the old one which has an asbestos roof and replacing it with a larger one - I can help her go to garden centres, quote for the work etc. I don’t mind doing that. But omg the drama…
And now I feel ashamed of myself for losing my temper, it makes me feel like a teenager again but she’s the only person who can trigger me, I’m not easily angered. Ugh!

And in the long run I just see two people who can’t accept they’re very elderly and still want to behave as if they’re in their sixties. (95 and 87). And who have never stopped arguing.

(Rolls eyes at family roles .. I know, I know… )

MotherofCatBoy
I understand, seeing anybody bickering really bothers me and unsettles me, even if it's something like work colleagues. When it's family it feels like a horrible drama and you're being asked to watch.

Very sad visit with mum yesterday. The lift at the home broke at the beginning of July. First of all it broke when the residents were downstairs so they brought all the beds downstairs and they turned one of the lounges into a dormitory with screens - it looked like something out of Downton Abby! After three weeks they got everyone back upstairs and the lift broke again.

Now they are using empty bedrooms as mini lounges so mum has her own bedroom but spends her days in a room with two or three other ladies. None or them is aware that the other is there. They sit close enough that they could hold hands but they don't acknowledge each other. They sit with the tv on in their own world. The staff are doing all they can, constantly in and out of the rooms, the activities coordinator is working overtime and they have choirs and groups coming in to perform for them but I look at my lovely mum, unable to feed herself or drink unassisted, stuck in front of the tv and it breaks my heart.

It's likely to be another 5 or 6 weeks before the lift is fixed and I wonder if mum will still be with us. She's sleeping so much more (that was the case before the lift broke) and yesterday she didn't want to eat the treats I took with me which is unheard of. It seems like all the things that gave her pleasure are slowly being taken away.

hairbrush I am so sorry.

on the subject of the lift, my guess is they can't really have just the one but there'll be legal reasons for not being allowed to use a goods lift or something?

old age is such a tragedy, I hate it when people say it's privilege.

It's a big Victorian mansion house so it's like a rabbit warren inside. I have no idea how they would have brought the beds and bedding downstairs by hand. And what happens if someone dies upstairs? I am sure it is safe in terms of evacuation but it easier to bring them down than take them up! I am so tearful at the moment. She was such a giving sort of person, would do anything for anyone and now she is suffering so much. I have tried to look on the bright side - she is clean and cared for in a way that I couldn't do but such a sad way of life.

hairbrush I can only offer hugs.

So sorry @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere 🌺🌺

I'm sorry, it sounds horrendous.

If someone dies upstairs the undertaker would do what they'd do if someone dies upstairs in a normal house. They have a chair similar to a medi-vac chair (like the ones kept in stairwells in public buildings in case of having to evacuate someone who used a wheelchair if there's a fire and you can't use the lift) and would bring them down in that.

Last ambulance call pre -stairlift, mum was taken in a medi vac chair down our narrow stairs

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I am sorry that just feels wrong, if lift engineers can’t make this a priority, sorry to hear about it.

I used to work in a garden centre with lots of elderly customers and their families and many of the customers starting to struggle. I miss their mad their determination and kindness and chatty personalities. Some really lovely people from a generation who lived through tough times….

MiL today cried when we arrived, distracted her a little and then said to DH ‘please kidnap me.’ 🥲. The moments of awareness are most upsetting. She remembers going to hospital on Friday but can’t remember eldest son visiting last week, which feels worse.🙁

Hugs to everyone. Watching relentless decline is just awful.

thanks @EmmaEmerald yes it does feel like being stuck. Hate it.

It’s been a while but clocking back in again. MiL coped with multiple carers but now seemingly can’t be ever left alone because of toileting. DH looking at homes. What tiny bit of memory will completely go as it’s her house where she’s lived 50+ years that tethers her. Plus, I’ve no faith that home care staff will have the time to keep her continent. It’ll just be adult nappies. So sad.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere It's very hard when the frail become even frailer and that you can see it every visit. If she is actually suffering you should speak up to the staff. But if she is 'fading' it is so difficult to watch but at least at the care home you are not on duty 24/7 as you were when she was in the garden. Sending a hand hold,

@DrBlackbird That must be an awful feeling, if you think she could continue using the toilet with the right kind of supervision and access to facilities.

MIL was assessed as not being incontinent when she first arrived at the home, as in spite of frequent accidents she could often still tell she needed the toilet, but not early enough to always get there on time, or with the coordination necessary to make it a straightforward unaided operation. She's permanently in adult incontinence pants, and frequently doesn't even notice she's going any more. But this seems to be due to the dementia rather than acceptance of the pants. If she becomes aware of it, she wants them changed, now if not five minutes ago.

MIL is much like a newly toilet trained toddler in that she can indicate she needs the toilet but it's right now no time to wait. But she needs manoeuvring on to the loo from her wheelchair so it's very rarely in time.

Yes, this.

tbh I remember my parents telling me to put them in a home but they weren't talking about such an "early" stage.

I went to see mum today. It was an impulse decision so I ended up going with her to the optician.

having had some time away, I can see how much she wants to keep some independence. I can also see that she really misses my company. This is awkward as I don't miss hers - I feel like my real mum vanished ages ago.

she has got a private carer from one of my suggested agencies, coming twice a day.

I do still look exhausted and vacant after the breakdown and I think she can see that.

I just went today because I felt like it but that's it really, I might not go for another fortnight.

@DrBlackbird i think it is very hard and the incontinence issue is one that I found so upsetting when I saw this in hospital where with enough staff and nearer loos there would have been less catheters etc. I does feel that once the timing etc becomes the issue the answer becomes ‘pads’ as the home calls them. With MiL if she calls out for the loo they always take her, but I think it has become a cry for attention with her now as she says it every visit within 10 mins of us arriving and she used to do this when I took food to get flat too. I hope that the caters are quick and help your mother, I am sure they will.

@EmmaEmerald i admire your honesty… not missing her Company as she is not the same. It made me think about the different phases the relationships with parents, particularly mothers, go through - the adoring toddler, the needy infant, rebellious teenager, independent adult. How that relationship changes and how well we continue to enjoy each others company is complex. Of course I don’t have that with MiL, and I will be honest, I have always found her Company quite draining. She is very quick to talk about all the bad things in the world and her life. She is very chippy, a complete worrier, anti social… but thankfully a sense of humour which DH can still get out of her on a good visit. When she lived with us for a few months many years ago and I found her fussy and demanding but also seemed to want to upset my marriage and make me feel like some downtrodden little women rather ( I had owned my own home and had a good job, I chose marriage not because I couldn’t live without a man though), She kept saying ‘I feel so sorry for you’ because DH works long hours…. I have a good life - I didn’t need or want her sympathy. She had a really tough life - I sometimes think she resented that I didn’t, but tried to make me think I did.

We can’t visit 2 weekends this month because of my family commitments and visits. I am relieved.

I feel the same @Juneday . My DM wears me down. I do care about her but there is no joy in being with her - it's out of duty and because I think its unfair to leave my sister to "soak it all up" that I do it. I feel like such a cold hearted person saying that but it's how I feel.

@EmmaEmerald I too understand what you mean. My Mum is in a care home and has late stage Alzheimers. I find visiting very hard as she doesn't speak and I feel that I lost my Mum many months ago.

To all those enduring the duty, you have my sympathies
I think the truth about relationships with elderly parents are a taboo subject IRL.

My mum hasn't been the same since dad died. I don't blame her for that at all, it's just been terribly hard work. Since her stroke in November, even more so, and she's now had a brain MRI scan, I await the results with interest.

Today she said she might be ready for a mobile phone contract, she's on PAYG and I've only been asking her to get one for about 10 years now? I did say to her "this is why I get cross - you wait till now, when I'm in crisis, to want a job done that I could have easily done before".

She hasn't got the care agency on direct debit because I think she hopes to get rid of them. So no visits from me for another couple of weeks is probably a good thing.

Posters whose parents have Alzheimers or dementia, do they recognise you? I don't think I'd visit someone who didn't recognise me. That's not a kind thing to say either but my view is that life is so hard, I don't see a reason to make it harder.

Re the continence situations, I think these organisations are doing their best. My father used to say that no one really knew what to do in many care situations. From what I can see, the doctors and carers also suffer because they get criticised whatever. I felt we saw a lot of cases of people being under-medicated in mum's care home, but I'm friends with a GP and she confirmed what I suspected - they get criticised for giving too many meds and accused of turning patients into "zombies".

My godaughter's grandfather was one such case. I kept my mouth shut because it wasn't my business but his family moved him three times because they felt he was over medicated. I didn't think so at all, our conversations were okay considering the situation(at this point I was still a regular visitor because I basically grew up with his son and he liked me visiting).

After the third move, they managed to get doctors to agree to reduce meds, then he attacked a member of staff.

Then he got moved to a more intense clinical environment and they were upset all over again by the meds he was given - but the staff have to be kept safe too. I never saw him again after that. They were furious because that place set a limit in his visitors, but after he actually attacked someone...

Sorry, that was long. I really think what carers do is amazing.