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Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

984 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 24/07/2023 20:27

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
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MissMarplesNiece · 19/08/2023 23:34

So sorry @venusandmars , its such a difficult time for you and your family.

EmmaEmerald · 19/08/2023 23:56

venusandmars. I really hope it’s a peaceful end. Hugs if wanted.

Knotaknitter · 20/08/2023 08:10

All endings are hard @venusandmars, even the ones that are to be expected. Hopefully DH and his siblings can see this through without falling out.

TheShellBeach · 20/08/2023 18:10

I hope the end is peaceful, @venusandmars

venusandmars · 20/08/2023 18:27

MIL lingers on. Peacefully. She was completely unresponsive this morning even when being changed into clean pjs, having oral care done etc, but rallied enough to speaks to my SILs when they completed their emergency return from their holiday (poor them - they'd had a crap holiday all round!).

Terribly sad and poignant time with FIL who has dementia. He wanted to see his wife, and came to sit by her bed. Yesterday evening he accepted that she was tired and sleeping, said his goodnights and went to bed. Today, he recognised the reality and said: "she's not going to make it, is she?" He was weeping, dh was sobbing, I was crying. But it felt like a very real and important process, and one that arose as naturally as it could.

I hope my posts don't upset others here, let me know and I can find somewhere else to post.

After the inevitability of MIL's death, we will have the ongoing challenge of her grieving, bewildered husband. At times today he thought it was his son who was dying (fortunately he told him he was a good boy), then he confused his son with his brother (who died many years ago), and then his own mother. It is like everyone he loves and has ever loved is in one particular block in his brain, and sometimes he jumbles them all together and speaks interchangeably about them all.

venusandmars · 20/08/2023 18:29

EmmaEmerald I'm not usually a huggy person, but over the last couple of days I've been hugged by so many care home staff, and I'm happily accepting hugs from others who understand.

thesandwich · 20/08/2023 18:33

@venusandmars this is absolutely the right place to post. So many vets of this journey.Sending you hugs too. As you say, a very difficult but important process- your poor fil. 🌺🌺

EmmaEmerald · 21/08/2023 00:14

venusandmars · 20/08/2023 18:29

EmmaEmerald I'm not usually a huggy person, but over the last couple of days I've been hugged by so many care home staff, and I'm happily accepting hugs from others who understand.

I get it
I am huggy normally but I can see that even if you're not, now is a time they might be needed. Sending lots more x

SunshineGlamourIfOnly · 21/08/2023 07:59

Sending many more hugs to all who need them 💕 💐
@venusandmars a handhold as you go through this xx

BestIsWest · 21/08/2023 08:19

@venusandmars your post made me well up. Such a beautiful and poignant description of dementia.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 21/08/2023 08:20

@venusandmars I n the future he may forget. In which case it’s probably kinder not to keep reminding him. Going to be difficult for you Flowers

OP posts:
MotherOfCatBoy · 21/08/2023 11:03

Thinking of you and your poor FIL @venusandmars
Flowers

Lightuptheroom · 21/08/2023 11:30

@venusandmars we have been on this journey very recently with my Mil who died at the end of July. One thing I would say is that you become slightly used to the 'rallying' stage, Mil did this for 9 weeks but I've known others be longer. Take care of yourselves, the home will know how to help your fil and he will likely forget the circumstances and become tearful each time he 'remembers'

On a totally different matter. Does anyone know what sort of contract carers provided by the local authority have? We've had a situation where a carer seems to have offered to do some private gardening for my parents (they have local authority carers 2 X day. We'd like to know whether this is actually allowed as the carer obviously only knows my parents through their caring role. Do I contact the social worker to clarify this? My mum has undiagnosed cognitive decline and massive behavioural changes. We're also concerned as she's already sacked 2 gardeners for supposedly 'destroying' her garden.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 21/08/2023 12:09

@Lightuptheroom we found ourselves in a very difficult position with one of mum's carers. She was really lovely, an older lady (in her 60's) who was really friendly. She and I both loved crafts and we would compare projects and swapped bits and pieces. We became friends. This will be quite long but it sets the scene:

When my daughter was getting married she offered to help with prep we were doing everything in a short time frame because of the pandemic. She pressed the bridesmaids dresses and sewed the headdress and veil, little things that all took time. She offered to take mum to the wedding in her car and sort out the wheelchair etc - as a friend, not as a carer.

She came to us on the morning of the wedding and helped to get the girls ready, dressed mum, and put her in her car. It wasn't work hours. She wasn't in uniform. She was dressed for a wedding. We had the service and she was with us for the photos and my daughter wanted a picture with her and my mum. (I know this is a lot of waffle but I want to explain how non-work the arrangement was)!

Because of restrictions there was no chance of an indoor reception. The newly weds and their siblings and partners all went to the beach and we went home. The lady dropped mum home and went to her own home to get ready for work.

A week later she arrived for her slot with mum in tears because she had been reported by someone who had seen her while the photos were being taken and alleged that she was working cash in hand while contracted to the care company! Fortunately she had the wedding invitation in the car and was able to show the photo of her with the bride. It really upset mum because she felt it was her fault for getting her friend into trouble. There was nothing untoward about what she did but her bosses were not happy.

Lightuptheroom · 21/08/2023 12:25

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thank you x I've got a feeling from my own previous working role rostering carers that they are contracted to the local authority/agency used by the local authority and shouldn't be doing anything 'cash in hand' outside of this role. The carer has apparently said that she would do the garden at a time when she isn't working and a vague 'whatever price' my dad wishes to pay. Parents do have full capacity, but wouldn't want carer to be accused of exploiting vulnerable adults. Main concern is what experience do they have, have they got the right insurance (my parents garden is a mess and we've seen some rather large rats!!) The carers definitely aren't my parents friends and I'm concerned about boundaries becoming blurred.

Juneday · 21/08/2023 13:54

I would advise that if she is a good gardener and your parents like her and trust her, and this is is extra to her normal working hours, she must invoice and your parents pay into her bank. That way there are records to protect both.

We have on going issue with my mother who hero worships her cleaner, who whilst reliable appears to be slow and expensive and asks for cash. We have told her not to pay cash especially if this is undeclared income for tax purposes (which my mother refuses to discuss and says she doesn’t care if it is) but it also means parents have to make a special car trip to a cash point a few miles away and that should there be an issue there is no proof of payment.

My mother told my sister who set up and ran her own business growing to employ 50 others, that she had never worked as hard as this cleaner. I felt awful for my sister who worked so hard and took risks that would have been stressful.

Also have to say the dust in my parents bedroom is very thick - so not sure the cleaner is so amazing 🤣

EmmaEmerald · 21/08/2023 17:50

Mum back from the care home tomorrow
Went in to house to sort a few things

Can't believe the time, energy, resources all this takes

Nearly burst into tears but didn't. Left a note saying not to disturb me without a very good reason.

TheShellBeach · 21/08/2023 17:53

@EmmaEmerald I hope you're not doing too much.
If I were you I'd leave my mother to it.

EmmaEmerald · 21/08/2023 18:37

TheShellBeach · 21/08/2023 17:53

@EmmaEmerald I hope you're not doing too much.
If I were you I'd leave my mother to it.

That's the plan
I got a food delivery in and dealt with post

my sister is bringing her back from the care home tomorrow

it feels weird not even knowing what the care plan is but I think it's important not to know!

venusandmars · 21/08/2023 19:01

Emma Emerald I think you are right not to know - you will possibly only worry, and end up more involved than you want to. You've done the 2 tasks you felt you could manage. That is plenty, and notice how exhausted it made you feel. Listen to your body, it is telling you what you need to year.

venusandmars · 21/08/2023 19:02

MIL passed late this afternoon, very peacefully, with family. After an unhappy few months it was a good end to 93 years of life.

EmmaEmerald · 21/08/2023 19:05

venusandmars I am glad it was a peaceful ending.

how are you feeling?

thank you for your kind words.

thesandwich · 21/08/2023 19:38

@venusandmars i am sorry for your loss, but so glad the passing was peaceful. Sending strength for the tough days ahead.
@EmmaEmerald stay firm. Look after yourself.

Juneday · 21/08/2023 19:52

@venusandmars glad to hear it was peaceful and with family and hope soon you can remember the good times and smile. 93 is indeed a good life.

venusandmars · 21/08/2023 19:57

Thanks Emma Emerald. Mostly I'm feeling relief. The last few years have been difficult for MIL - very painful arthritis, immobility that left her mostly housebound, hearing loss that compounded her feeling of loneliness. She has not been happy for a long time.

I am friends with a lady of a similar age (one of my former school teachers) with similar health challenges, but my friend somehow manages to find joy in every bird that sings in her garden, delight when her carer can hang the washing outside so it smells of fresh air, and has cultivated a lovely group of friends on facebook. MIL, though lovely, was not of that demeanour. She found every part of life 'hellish' - food, music, the loss of independence, her dh's dementia... I think she has not enjoyed living for a while and this is a relief for her.

I also feel relief for her children - that they could be with her, and particularly for her dd who did not witness her in any real distress. I have seen the toll that this whole process with MIL and FIL has taken on them all over the past year. I am glad for them that MIL's death was not protracted, or violent, or sudden, or in hospital.

The next stage (once the inevitable funeral and end of life admin is over) will be supporting FIL. I worry about the impact this might have on his fragile state and what a further downturn might mean. However, I think it will be easier for the family dealing with one set of issues rather than both parents.

And on a very cynical note (since FIL, also 93, is in great physical shape), there is more money to continue paying for his care and less risk that funds will run out.