Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@MissMarplesNiece I read about these things called water drops which I was looking at because MiL similar with kidney problems and a few UTIs but doesn’t drink enough fluids. I found them but they are really expensive. tea, herbal tea, low fat milk. We tried the lot and for a while MiL drank green tea. Lots of lettuce and other salads with high water content might help too. Also suspect it was related to not being able to use the loo in hospital, result was a drip and a catheter along with nearly every other lady in her ward🙁

I've just had a very depressing conversation with DM's GP who said that her kidney function is so poor she's on the verge of being referred for dialysis. All down, apparently to the combined effects of uncontrolled diabetes and not drinking enough. GP also discussed taking her off the diuretic DM currently takes but warned of the consequences of swollen legs, blisters & ulcers.

I feel at my wits end. She has capacity. She crys, sulks and loses her temper if she's not given pudding after every meal or bread & jam for her supper. She helps herself to the chocolate bars and biscuits DSis buys for other members of the family. No one wants to bully her, but what do we do?

MissMarplesNiece
Okay I have many questions (due to kidney problems in my family). But firstly, can you remind me your mum's age? And what are the consequences if she doesn't have it?

Dm is 89 in October.

The conclusion of the talk with GP was that DM has got to stop eating sugary foods and drink more. Whether DM will take any notice is another matter. GP said DSis has got to put chocolates & biscuits out of DMs reach (tbh I'd have done this a year or so ago if it was my house cos this isn't entirely unexpected) and stop giving puddings so often. DM cries and loses her temper like a toddler if she doesn't get her own way and it feels very much like bullying to deny her stuff. I told GP this and she said maybe we should be considering a care home for her - although I'm not sure there would be better dietary care there. DM was in hospital at the start of the year and she was given free choice of food - to the point where she was asking for, and being given, two packets of biscuits when tea was taken round, two puddings with meals. She is deemed to have capacity to make her own decisions, even if they're detrimental.

GP will test kidney function again in a few weeks to check if things have improved.

I have had some weird chats with mum's GP so I know sometimes things get said with good intentions, but I'd be angry at the suggestion that it's your DSis job to keep everything out of reach.

Your mum has capacity and if she lived alone and didn't cause havoc for others, I'd say let her eat what she wants.

A retest will be interesting but is it possible the GP is trying to put the frighteners on her to stop eating sugar? Also, my mum was told her kidney function was problematic about ten years ago. She's eaten well her whole life. Looking at it more closely, we found two things - firstly, that they changed the numbers that cause an alert so to speak, and secondly, it's possible the reading is affected by many things on the day.

She's not had any trouble with her kidneys in ten years anyway.

Brutally speaking, if your mum went into a care home, would you be worried about how they'd choose to handle it? If she has full capacity then I imagine they won't restrict her diet either.

Re the bullying, I sympathise, and it's so easy to be accused of bullying. But I don't think it's bullying to say "you need to go in a home, we can't cope with you". It's the truth.

re dialysis, it's quite hard work, my cousin had it for years. For an 89 year old - I'm imagining frailty is a factor - it could cause other strains on the body?

what does she think about it?

@EmmaEmerald , thank you for sharing your experience.

I find it quite difficult really - I believe DM does know what she's doing and I could just say "the consequences have been spelt out to you, you know what you need to do, its up to you to look after your health". She's 89 and I suppose if she wants slow suicide by sugar it's on her head (I sound like a right bitch) As my DSis says though, it's us two who then put up with the complaints of feeling unwell because her blood glucose is high, crying about her legs swelling up, changing dressings on leg blisters, it will be me struggling back & forth to hospital appointments with DM.

I find my DM infuriating but I care about her very much and I don't want to see her ill or suffering. In a recent session with psychologist we were exploring how I've got the role as "rescuer" to DM and I think this role is intruding here. I'm trying hard to escape it but it's been ingrained in me for 50 years.

Miss "As my DSis says though, it's us two who then put up with the complaints of feeling unwell because her blood glucose is high, crying about her legs swelling up, changing dressings on leg blisters, it will be me struggling back & forth to hospital appointments with DM. "

Can she manage hospital appointments alone? I have now told mum that I can't accompany her and she'll have to get a carer to do it - I don't normally mind as she's no trouble but I'm too unwell atm.

I'm really starting to feel I've wasted five years on mum.

I really understand where you're coming from. Emma. It's very hard work, especially when we've got our own issues to deal with. It's not something I've taken on willingly. I sometimes think that not only has DM got her own life, but she's also got a big chunk of mine and my sister's too and that seems so unfair. It's not as if DM has dementia - she's just very needy & waify, always has been.

Providing she's wearing her hearing aids she could manage appointments on her own, its getting there & back that's difficult. I'm not sure I'd rely on her to accurately report back what was said/done. She has a tendency to dismiss what she doesn't agree with. We saw GP yesterday who gave her advice about her swollen legs and she came out the surgery & told me he was too busy being in love with himself and didn't know what he was talking about. I mean, what can I say?

In terms of accurate reports, my mum likes me there because sometimes doctors are trying to get you out so fast, you can miss things.

but I'm at the point of just thinking, oh well, what's the worst than can happen?

I appreciate it's different as her main issues are frailty and heart, which isn't really anything where we can take further action. Even she is starting to question the point of the appointments but if your mum has actual physical things that need doing, it's different.

paid carer to take her there?

@MissMarplesNiece I actually find that comment about too busy being in love with himself astute and funny, sadly she is likely right - I can see my nephew (medical student) being like that. Before MiL went downhill and was diagnosed with dementia she was sent on a pre diabetic course - once a week to a clinic for a lecture, a diary to keep, and diet to follow. She said other people there ate loads more chocolate than her 😁. As soon as it finished she reverted to her old diet - in Covid we did her shopping and DH said he was buying her what she wanted if it made her happy - her list was cake, white bread, choc biscuits, lemonade, ice cream, tinned spaghetti, tins of soup, cheese ….. and a bag of greens.

I had read the folder she was given her and tried to get her to try wholemeal bread, more fruit and less processed food but she didn’t eat it. We can try but also have to respect their wishes. It is frustrating but not as shocking as an NHS heart surgeon with a heart condition still smoking, or GP with a drink problem reminding patients about 14 units.

You are doing your best, don’t feel bad you can’t be responsible.

Can anyone help this poster re care and charge on a home etc? Just thought I'd flag it as there's so much knowledge about.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4867445-elderly-dad-in-rehab?page=2&reply=128527221

What happens when people have no money and no family to accompany them? They’re reliant on hospital transport, long journey as they go all around the houses picking up other people, long wait, maybe hours, when they come out of their appointment.

In the last three days, DH has received, in order, 1) an appt for a procedure at Hospital A, 2) a letter reminding him to phone up and make an appt at Hospital A, which when he phoned turned out to be for the procedure he’d already been sent an appt. for, 3) an appt for the same procedure at Hospital B. I wonder what Monday will bring?

@MereDintofPandiculation I had sort of similar to your DH - a letter from hospital informing me of telephone appointment on Friday, next day email telling me face to face appointment on Friday had been changed to telephone appointment on Thursday, email followed up with letter in post, few days later letter telling me phone appointment on Thursday had been changed to face to face appointment on Friday.

I kept my phone with me on the Thursday just incase there was a letter I hadn't received yet telling me f2f on Friday was changed to phone on Thursday 🙄.

When my mum had an appointment for her cataract procedure the home offered to arrange transport for me to go with her but it would have meant being at the home by 7.30 a.m. which I couldn't do. As it happened mum didn't want the procedure so the home cancelled it.

MIL is reliant on hospital transport anyway as she is confined to a wheelchair and can't travel in an unadapted car. But because of her communication issues she also needs a person to go with her. Care home charge £20 an hour so this trip cost £90.

@MereDintofPandiculation we had similar too, then texts to me reminding me … all the time MiL was in another hospital who promised they would get her to the appointment - they forgot! Even after my daughter visited her nanny and reminded the staff who said yes the knew. Then you get a letter threatening to discontinue the treatment and send you back to the GP🤔🤣. I rang them and said do that if you like, but she can’t get to her GP either….. before her fall I took her to all appointments, queued in hospital car park, paid fees to park, once no spaces left so I drove in and out and round the houses for the whole length of appointment / that was before Dementia and dizzy spells set in. @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere care home asked DH if he wanted to accompany to follow up with orthopaedics but he couldn’t either, second follow up yesteday and apparently she enjoyed the fuss - she flirts with every man she meets and doesn’t believe any women are doctors! Which has been interesting. 😮

Day not going as planned. I went for a 'brief' visit to MIL & FIL in their care home, and to take each of them a copy of my dgc's 'first day back at school' photos - annotated with their names, ages and primary class number - it all helps the care staff to engage them in conversation. MIL (93) has had a rapid deterioration since breakfast time and all NOK were out of contact. I had to do a rapid scramble to get dh and SILs on phone/whapapp/text so they could make a quick decision about whether there was any point in sending her to hospital (there isn't). She has no infection, she is just dying

I've returned home now to get things for dh - his phone charger, his book, a toothbrush. He will be there until SILs can arrive tomorrow.

No idea how long this final phase of her life will take. Thay are 'keeping her comfortable' but MIL is no longer able to eat or drink, and to be honest her will to live disappeared some time ago.

End of life. Tough. However it arrives.

Oh @venusandmars that's so tough. I want to say I hope it isn't too prolonged. It sounds mean but it's such a strain for your DH and SILs. I hope everyone who needs to gets to be there and say what they need to say/do.

Fingers crossed for a peaceful end for your MIL @venusandmars

@venusandmars thinking of you and family.

Very best wishes @venusandmars

Thanks everyone. I've been here before with my own parents (plus I work in a related area) but dh, and his siblings in particular, are unaccustomed to death and dying, or anything medical. So I (along with the care home staff) am the voice of 'this is normal, this is OK'. The siblings will be hoping for a miraculous recovery.

FIL (in the same care home) has dementia. We spent some nice time with him this evening. He understand his wife is unwell, but not the full extent.

dh took him in to say 'goodnight' before he went to bed. Of course that might be goodbye, rather than goodnight. Who knows

MIL roused herself from hours of unconsiousness and managed to say that she loved him - that made us cry.

@venusandmars oh that’s so moving. May she pass peacefully and all who need to get there arrive in time. 🌺