My sister doesn’t seem to care

[Mc1980]

My mother is in her early 80s and has been very always been sensitive and emotional most of the time. She gets very teary over the fact that my older sister (47), her second born and first daughter, fails to come and see her or check in on her and my dad regularly enough. My dad is in his 90s and his health is not the best. My mum seems to think and feel that my sister doesn’t care about them at all, and complains to me and my other sister about it quite often.
My older sister has three daughters (9, 12, 14) which understandably keeps her busy. She lives about 25/30 minutes away from mum and dad. She used to work full time but now has stopped working for the moment to look after her girls. The thing is she never seems to want to visit our childhood home or make arrangements to come see our mother and father, even for just an hour here or there. My mum isn’t aware she’s not working at the moment. She doesn’t seem to want to get involved with anything that is concerning my mother or helps her with anything much at all.
My sister doesn’t seem to have much empathy or consideration for them and just shrugs her shoulders and says they’re just getting old. She chooses to take overseas holidays and weekends away and never really makes the effort to see them in person anymore and it’s breaking my mum’s heart. Her kids are loaded with weekend activities which leaves little time for my sister to come and see mum and dad, even just by herself. I don’t know why my BIL can’t just look after the kids for an hour or two?. I’m worried that she’ll wake up one day and it will be too late.
I don’t know how to handle this with my mother (or sister). My other sister (45) and I are always around to offer help my mum with simple tasks and keeping her company. She often complains to us about my sister and how she never does this or that.
Any advice from someone who has gone through this would be appreciated.

[Belindabelle]

Not everybody has the same relationship with their parents. Siblings brought up in the same household often have different experiences. Or at least they have a different perception of their upbringing.

For whatever reason your sister doesn’t seem to want to be involved with her parents. That is a totally valid choice for her to make.

This is sad and upsetting for your mum. You and your siblings probably feel some resentment that your sister has checked out and isn’t stepping up when your parents need support, leaving more for you to do.

Do you or your siblings have a good relationship with your sister?

The old saying about not being able to change people’s behaviour, only being able to control your reaction to their behaviour springs to mind.

On the face of it I do feel sad for your parents but I don’t think there is much you can do.

[RatherBeRiding]

I'd be interested to hear your sister's side. You say your mother is sensitive and emotional - wonder what your sister's take on that is and what her childhood memories are.

But it is a fact that she chooses not to get involved. Her choice. Do you have the kind of relationship with her that you could ask her about it, and explain how you and your other sister are getting complained at regularly?

If not, there's nothing you can do. Your older sister knows where her parents are and it is entirely up to her what kind of relationship she has with them. I wonder if your mother expects her eldest daughter to be constantly visiting, as though it's her duty? You might have to be blunt with her - your sister has chosen her own life and her own commitments and is putting them first. There is nothing to do but accept that.

[Slimjimtobe]

It’s very sad and especially since her daughters are well up and not babies anymore and she doesn’t work - she has plenty of time during the school day I’m sure

something must have happened years ago to break down the relationship - your daughter will be hurt if her own girls treat her like this in the future

there really is nothing you can do though

[IfDreamsWereWings]

I agree with everything @Belindabelle said.
People do have different relationships, perceptions and also sometimes clashing of personalities.
You can’t change the situation. The most you can do is ask your sister why she feels the way she does. Even then she might not tell you. There is always a reason people behave the way they behave. She obviously doesn’t feel the same way about your parents as you and your other siblings do. There will be a reason for that. Your parents and you have to accept the relationship for what it is.

[Slimjimtobe]

Also I pressume from your post you have a brother (the eldest) does he get this pressure to visit ?

[butterfliedtwo]

@Slimjimtobe

Also I pressume from your post you have a brother (the eldest) does he get this pressure to visit ?

Good point.

[countingallthseconds]

Maybe she needs that distance for her own well-being. Her relationship with them will be different to yours, op.

[Allthecatsandcosyblankets]

She doesn't need to visit and help out her elderly parents because you & the other sister and doing it all allowing her to focus solely on her own family. This would annoyed me so much, regardless if this is to do with her parents/upbringing should be helping her sisters out

[strawberriesarenot]

Your older sister may have very valid reasons which she is entitled to keep to herself. She must be aware of the age of her parents, so really you don't need to do anything. In my family, there are 5 siblings. The youngest 2 are very loved and admired, the eldest 2 severly criticised, the middle one ignored. It makes for very different relationships.

[bunhead1979]

I can understand that this is upsetting for you in various ways but, kindly, this is really not your responsibility to fix. I would be firm with your mum about this as well, you are not responsible for your sisters behaviour.

I had similar in my family (different relatives but similar scenario) and I had to hold a firm boundary that I was not in charge of another relatives behaviour or actions and I could not make them spend time with the other party. I didn't even acknowledge the behaviour as bad or wrong. I very much made my point that if they both wanted me in their lives then they would have to leave me out of the other politics. It's no ones job to change people.

[MMMarmite]

How have they treated her in the past?

On the face of it my brother could write a similar post. The reason I am very low contact is that I have severe mental health issues that were caused by my mother's emotional abuse of me throughout my childhood. I need to stay away so that I can heal. I don't actually like being a callous and uninvolved daughter, and if I had a different parent I would be involved and helpful.

[rookiemere]

How often does you Dsis visit?

Regardless when your DM brings it up, from now on I'd say in a big cheery voice " Well I'm here now aren't I. Now what can I help with?". Put simply it's not on you to bear the emotional burden of your Dsis not visiting and DM needs to recognise that you are in fact there for her.

[rookiemere]

Also why on earth shouldn't your Dsis enjoy foreign holidays and weekends away with her family?

[LindorDoubleChoc]

Perhaps your sister doesn't have the patience any more to deal with someone who is always sensitive and emotional. It can be very draining.

[cosmiccosmos]

Agree with others, your experience will be different to hers and she may not want to do it. I too would be interested in hearing her side.

What about your older brother, does he visit and help/support? What's the age gaps between you all?

Do you all have similar lifestyles and children? Have your parents supported one child more than others?

[Dreamysaurus]

Your poor sister.

I could visit my mum every day and she would still complain it isn't enough. My relationship with her is very different than her and my brothers. She's been quietly nasty to me for years whereas she's an angel for my brother.

When she's older, he'll have to step up and do most of the caring responsibilities.

Just last weekend she told me I was ugly and didnt deserve a husband. Brilliant 👏

Your Dsis is allowed to live her life to the full.

[KILM]

Gently - it sucks for you to have to deal with the emotional fallout of this, but your sister is allowed to be as involved as she wants to be. I do understand how painful it must be for you to hear your mum complain about her not doing (what she sees as) her 'bit', especially when it sounds like you and your other sister are providing a lot of support. Your sister has a different relationship with your mum to you and that's fine.
You could try reframing this in your head - it's not like the care is assigned to all four of you and your sister and older brother aren't doing their 'bit' and therefore you are having to do more - the baseline is nothing, and you and your other sister are choosing to provide additional help.
It can weigh heavy on you when your sibling and parent are having difficulties but you need to try and grey rock your mum a but and say you'd prefer not to get involved/discuss. It's between them, your mum has made her point, it's not fair on you to carry it too.

[Dreamysaurus]

@LindorDoubleChoc

Perhaps your sister doesn't have the patience any more to deal with someone who is always sensitive and emotional. It can be very draining.

Yes this. My mum will come over and cry for attention. If I visit her, she is cruel and if I call her out she'll burst into tears straight away.

She has never once cried at my brothers house or when he visits her.

It's a completely different relationship. It's very very draining.

[Dreamysaurus]

People who gossip and criticise others in front of you are likely to gossip and criticise you as well....

[MichelleScarn]

@Mc1980 My other sister (45) and I are always around to offer help my mum with simple tasks and keeping her company. She often complains to us about my sister and how she never does this or that.
So she already has x2 daughters at beck and call all the time, but spends the time moaning all 3 daughters are doing this? Does she complain about her son as pp have said?
Does offer an explanation as to possible reasons she stays away!!

[Minimalme]

What does your Mum do for your sister? And her grandchildren?

People who treat being a parent as a golden to putting in FA, will also alienate their grow up kids.

You reap what you sew.

[latetothefisting]

@Slimjimtobe

Also I pressume from your post you have a brother (the eldest) does he get this pressure to visit ?

I was wondering this too!

Op I think the best thing you can do is keep out of it as much as possible. Otherwise at some point it will come out that you knew your oldest sister wasn't working and you'll get blamed for not telling your mum that. You don't want to be piggy in the middle for their relationship, or get drawn into who is right or wrong or if eldest sister has good reasons for not seeing your dps or or is just being lazy/selfish.

I'd maybe have 1 conversation with oldest sis saying something like "look I'm not nagging you, mum keeps crying at me because you're not visiting but I've told her it's nothing to do with me."

And 1 with your mum saying "look I know you're obviously upset that oldest sister doesn't visit but can you please not keep raising it as theres nothing i can do about it? If you're upset you need to ring her and have a conversation with her about it. It's not nice when me and younger sis make the effort to visit and all we hear about is the child who hasnt"

Then refuse to discuss it further with either of them.

[MoserRothOrangeandAlmond]

How often does she visit? What does your older brother do??

[Minimalme]

@Dreamysaurus

People who gossip and criticise others in front of you are likely to gossip and criticise you as well....

This is so true. OP's Mum sounds as though complaining and being weepy are just ways to manipulate those around her.

[JuneOsborne]

But, she doesn't have to. And you may not understand why or how she can be like that, but she is.

You'd be better off not wasting your energy on thinking about it.

Have you ever discussed it with her?