My sister doesn’t seem to care

[Mc1980]

My mother is in her early 80s and has been very always been sensitive and emotional most of the time. She gets very teary over the fact that my older sister (47), her second born and first daughter, fails to come and see her or check in on her and my dad regularly enough. My dad is in his 90s and his health is not the best. My mum seems to think and feel that my sister doesn’t care about them at all, and complains to me and my other sister about it quite often.
My older sister has three daughters (9, 12, 14) which understandably keeps her busy. She lives about 25/30 minutes away from mum and dad. She used to work full time but now has stopped working for the moment to look after her girls. The thing is she never seems to want to visit our childhood home or make arrangements to come see our mother and father, even for just an hour here or there. My mum isn’t aware she’s not working at the moment. She doesn’t seem to want to get involved with anything that is concerning my mother or helps her with anything much at all.
My sister doesn’t seem to have much empathy or consideration for them and just shrugs her shoulders and says they’re just getting old. She chooses to take overseas holidays and weekends away and never really makes the effort to see them in person anymore and it’s breaking my mum’s heart. Her kids are loaded with weekend activities which leaves little time for my sister to come and see mum and dad, even just by herself. I don’t know why my BIL can’t just look after the kids for an hour or two?. I’m worried that she’ll wake up one day and it will be too late.
I don’t know how to handle this with my mother (or sister). My other sister (45) and I are always around to offer help my mum with simple tasks and keeping her company. She often complains to us about my sister and how she never does this or that.
Any advice from someone who has gone through this would be appreciated.

The OP and her parents have no idea what's going on in her sisters life and I bet she has a damn good reason to keep her distance.

So much judgment in her OP. Its a real shame. What a bitter and jealous family she has :/ (I think I'd keep my distance too!)

Does your mum invite your sister round? Just for a cup of tea and a chat? Or is she just waiting for sister to make the first move?

It sounds as though your mum expects to be 'checked in on' rather than checking in with her daughters. I can only suggest that she contacts your sister directly and cheerfully, and invites her round for tea just to enjoy her company, rather than guilting her.

You can't make someone feel something they don't, and you can't make them do things they don't want to do.

In my experience, adult children who rarely see their parents often have good reason. Not always, of course, but very, very often.

You need to leave your sister alone about this.

Just because a person is old, doesn't make them nice. My dm can be perfectly ok with some of us, charming old lady with her friends, and an hour later absolutely horrible to my sister. Fat shaming, discrediting, raking up mistakes made 25 years ago.
You are being really judgemental about your older sister. I guess your other sister is the same.

How often does your DS see your parents?

Did they have a good relationship when she was a child?

To be fair having 3 teenagers isn't a piece of cake, I expect she is very busy. And why shouldn't she have overseas holidays?

I have the opposite. My mother talks about how wonderful the whole family are but in reality the youngest two do absolutely nothing to help out. No that's not true. One year the youngest daughter offered to buy all the Christmas presents from our elderly parents to save them having to go out shopping. Guess who bought themselves a £190 bag for Christmas.

Unfortunately not all children care equally and not all who care show it in ways that parents want or siblings need!

Can I ask, why does your mum not speak directly to your sister if it's upsetting her? Has she ever asked why your sister isn't visiting more often? Maybe your sister is happy with the current visiting frequency.

We all have different norms for things. Your inbuilt norm is to see your elderly parents regularly. Your sister’s norm is to see them less regularly.

Neither of you are right or wrong in this situation.

I would think there is a reason why your older sister doesn't want to spend time with her parents and I doubt she'll ever tell you what it is. The relationship between your parents and your older sister is between them, it's not for you to mend, fix or improve. You don't have to listen to your mother's complaints about it though, it's nothing you can have any control over and she needs to speak to your sister or keep quiet.

I'm an only DC and sometimes I think it would be nice to have siblings to share the load with, but then I read threads like these, and thank my lucky stars that my DPs are the only ones judging me.

My DPs are in their 80s but reasonably self sufficient and I see them once every 3-4 weeks as it's an hours drive away. We're always been quite an unemotional family, so I find it vey difficult when DM gets sad about things. I'm happy to provide practical help and DH is as well, but also if we leapt in and did everything, then we'll be giving ourselves a full time job - and I've already got a job.

It's hard to tell how often your Dsis does actually visit, if it's once every 3 months or less, then you may have a point.

My siblings could complain all they liked about me not doing enough. But it's none of their business. No one is obligated to care for a parent.

I too am wondering about the brother. Why isn’t he getting moaned about or is he the golden boy who can do no wrong? If he’s doing his share then great, but you haven’t mentioned that he is. Or is your mum mysoginistic? And perhaps your sis bore the brunt of that growing up which is why she keeps her distance.
My mum is mysoginistic. Defers to the patriarchy all the time. Fortunately all us siblings share the load but I’d be curious to hear about the brother in all of this.

If she has given up work now to be with her children, it's probably because one or more of her children are struggling with something and she wants to be around for them more. Whatever the reason, she hasn't given up work to free up time for your mother.

Only you can decide for yourself how involved you want to be with your parents and thier care. You can't dictate how much your siblings involve themselves.

I could have written this as your Mum. My eldest daughter is super affectionate when we see her out or at her home but she rarely pops in to visit unlike my other DCs. It hurts a bit if I'm honest but I've learned to live with it. She probably won't worry too much about it when I've gone, her view will no doubt be she wasn't as close to me/us as the others..I can hear her now.

Have you spoken to her about it or asked/invited her round?

@neilyoungismyhero I don't know how to ask this nicely but is your house dirty, cluttered or smelly?

She obviously loves you but for whatever reason she doesn't like your house. Do you have a stinky cat or a bouncy dog?

Are you noisy, shouty and slam doors?

You don't have to answer!

Your sister has free will and can choose whether or not to have a relationship with your mother. You have made your choice - please respect her right to make her own decisions, even if you disagree.

My brother is the Golden Child. I'm pretty certain he doesn't know about the mean letter my mum wrote to me three years ago. I'm not the daughter she wanted, I'm a different type of girl, teen, woman.
I think I'm pretty awesome and I think my teen with autism is also awesome. She doesn't need to hear what my mum thinks about free loading, making a fuss about nothing, snowflakes.
So I send multiple cards & presents on special occasions because it's all about the public displays, keeping up appearances but my mum has not been particularly nice to me in my 20s, 30s or 40s, I too old to bring disappointment into my life.

I think you got some good replies already.

As already mentioned you can't force anyone to care and the fact that you have a good relationship with your mother does not mean that your sister should feel the same way about her.

Reading this I wondered whether there was a bit of a ''golden child'' and ''scapegoat'' scenario going...

Also I wondered about the ''has been very always been sensitive and emotional most of the time.'' bit.

Do you mean this has always been her personality even when she was younger?

Because to me that is often the sign of someone who can be manipulative and is using the ''poor me'' card to guilt-trip and control other people.

I find it odd as well to read that you resent your sister and her family going on holidays and doing activities together.

Because maybe you see that your sister has carved for herself an independent life that does not revolve around your parents' needs, whereas you and your other sister are still very much enmeshed in your parents' lives.

I'm your sister in my family. My siblings dance attendance on my mother. Taking her to the supermarket, calling in every day. She's a grown adult who doesn't need help but likes the company. If they want to spend their time there, that's fine. I'm not going to.
In many ways my DM is nice. In other ways she is not. I just don't want to spend time with her.
If you want to spend time with your mother, do so. Your sister doesn't.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I don’t have any grudges whatsoever towards my sister taking time out and looking after her kids or taking overseas holidays and weekend breaks. I think that is really great for her. It’s more or less that I am relaying my mothers thoughts expressed to my other sister and I in this post.

My eldest brother has been living overseas for over 30 years now, has a partner and two children of his own (7, 12). He usually calls my mum every weekend to talk and comes out yearly when he can.

I’ve never really spoken to my older sister about this, as I know it’s her own choice and understand that she has her own life. I realise that she has a different viewpoint /relationship with our parents. My situation has me living close by to my parents house and can visit whenever I can. I’ve always been a bit closer to them as I’m the youngest. I just have to tell my mother to stop bringing this up to me and other sister.

I’ve always been a bit closer to them as I’m the youngest

Well there, you said it. You've always been closer 😊

@Mc1980 how often is your Dsis visiting?

I find it interesting that you say your brother ‘ comes when he can’ and that’s apparently ok. I guess to me it comes across that he is being held to a different standard.
If your sister is comfortable with her relationship with your mum, that’s good for her. Your mother trying to manipulate you into manipulating your sister ( which is how it reads to me) is out of order, and you should gently shut her down on this, as your latest post suggests.

I find it interesting that you say your brother ‘ comes when he can’ and that’s apparently ok. I guess to me it comes across that he is being held to a different standard.

Well of course he is! He lives abroad and the sister lives a few minutes away! Do you really expect him to visit every week? At lest he phones his mum weekly.

If sis lived abroad, she'd be held to a different standard too.

It's not always a 'son as golden boy' situation.

For the record, my brother is the one who calls in every week and does stuff for my difficult mum. And she treats him appallingly. I'm the golden child who rarely visits. I back my brother up in every way I can behind the scenes, but nope, not going to see her more than every couple of months for an hour. And that's with his blessing.