My sister doesn’t seem to care

[Mc1980]

My mother is in her early 80s and has been very always been sensitive and emotional most of the time. She gets very teary over the fact that my older sister (47), her second born and first daughter, fails to come and see her or check in on her and my dad regularly enough. My dad is in his 90s and his health is not the best. My mum seems to think and feel that my sister doesn’t care about them at all, and complains to me and my other sister about it quite often.
My older sister has three daughters (9, 12, 14) which understandably keeps her busy. She lives about 25/30 minutes away from mum and dad. She used to work full time but now has stopped working for the moment to look after her girls. The thing is she never seems to want to visit our childhood home or make arrangements to come see our mother and father, even for just an hour here or there. My mum isn’t aware she’s not working at the moment. She doesn’t seem to want to get involved with anything that is concerning my mother or helps her with anything much at all.
My sister doesn’t seem to have much empathy or consideration for them and just shrugs her shoulders and says they’re just getting old. She chooses to take overseas holidays and weekends away and never really makes the effort to see them in person anymore and it’s breaking my mum’s heart. Her kids are loaded with weekend activities which leaves little time for my sister to come and see mum and dad, even just by herself. I don’t know why my BIL can’t just look after the kids for an hour or two?. I’m worried that she’ll wake up one day and it will be too late.
I don’t know how to handle this with my mother (or sister). My other sister (45) and I are always around to offer help my mum with simple tasks and keeping her company. She often complains to us about my sister and how she never does this or that.
Any advice from someone who has gone through this would be appreciated.

Nope, not misinterpreting anything.

You've advised OP to "ask her to explain her behaviour". No-one has any right to ask someone to "explain their behaviour".

OP isn't the boss of the family. Her sister had the right to make her own choices and does not need to be sat down to 'have a serious conversation' and to explain herself.

This.

I would suggest op having a conversation with your sister about this. Take her out for lunch and say you want to discuss something seriously. Try and ask her very tactfully why she is behaving in this way but don’t pre-judge anything. Feel free to express your own viewpoints too. Good luck

^^ This is what I said. In no way was I suggesting an aggressive interrogation as you seem to be suggesting. Of course the sister doesn't have to reply but in the circumstances I think it's fine for the sister to ask her what is going on from her pov. And I am entitled to that opinion thanks, just as you are entitled to yours. That the sisters talk and communicate openly is the main point of my post. I have three sisters so it is advice I have not just made up, it is borne out of a very similar situation I experienced. Talking openly and honestly helped us through it. And anyway surely it's up to the op how to proceed?

@Swirlingcurlish but the 'asking out for lunch chat' really doesn't seem to be checking in alls OK with the ds, it seems to be a 'explain why you're not doing what and when mum and us think you should be?

No. I was simply suggesting that they got together and had a serious talk without judgement on either side. (Genuine post. Not intended to be argumentative.)

Mine were exactly the same, also brought up in the 70s

I think if I was the elder sis and this happened it'd be hard to read it as any way other than being judgemental as the whole premise is 'why aren't you doing what mum wants as we think you should be'.

@zeldarubinstein
OMG this, totally this. I’m in the same position and whilst I remember my childhood fondly, I was fed and clothed and loved but there was no emotional attachment. Now my Mum is frail and needs more care which I provide with a grey rock approach, she’s an old lady but can’t see her as my mum. I do it out of obligation rather than love or privilege. Your comment has made me realise exactly why and I feel slightly less guilty about that today. Thank you

I wonder if your sensitive, emotional mum used your eldest daughter sister as an emotional crutch when she was young and your sister is tired of it.

I have a 'sensitive and emotional' mother and a completely different relationship with her than my brother who is younger. As the oldest, I was way more affected by my mothers 'moods' (as it was called back then) and decade spent on valium.
I'm sure my mum complains about me as well but she also doesn't have any real idea of the affect she had on me growing up. Or, rather, she doesn't really see past herself so is unable to acknowledge it 🤷‍♀️

My parents both became unwell and have now passed. Df ended up being bed bound. Dm had dementia. Both should’ve been in a home but expected us to look after them. My db never moved out so he was there all the time when not at work. I worked full time and have two dc. My dm had a fall and I remember helping her up and I hurt my back I ended up off work for a few days 😏

My parents stopped parenting me when I went to high school. I had no guidance or support from them. Both worked full time. I was expected to help out wherever, laundry (twin tub), hoovering, dusting, tidying, shopping, cooking etc. No sure why they expected me to look after them?!

Your ds is not obliged to help out. I’m sure she’s got enough to do.

You told us that your mother mentions the fact that your sister is not calling to see her.

Your also listening to your mother complain about your sister and perhaps about other things also. Along with this your perhaps helping her out with different things.
When your mother mentions you sister say will I am here so what do you want me to do or bring the conversation to another topic.
Your mother does not need to know that your sister has given up work for a while otherwise she will be ringing her and expecting her to drop all to call over and do things for her.

You mentioned that your sister has 3 teenagers and she has given up work recently. I know people with children of her ages and it can be hard with them growing up, doing exams and with extra curricular activities. Your sister has probably been under a lot of pressure working full time up till now and decided to give up work for a while.

I think that your relationship with your mother was probably better in the past than the one your sister had. Perhaps your sister needed her help in the past with her kids or money wise and your mother did not help then. Maybe your sister just finds your mother hard going or finds it hard listening to her moaning about things or people.

Meanwhile you and your other sister need to decide how much your willing to do and how often you call to her. Perhaps you need to get your mother involved with a retirement group, into a local day care center ect where she can meet people of her own age.

I know one lady who has a few adult children. She has a golden daughter and son. Over the years she helped the golden daughter with money and child care. The same golden daughter hardly has time to call to her mother. She has a few children and works a few days a week.
She was asked to do something recently for her mother and said she could not do this because of the kids. The truth is she was not willing to look into making this particular thing work or to put herself out in any way.

Meanwhile this lady has 2 other daughters. She promised one daughter a few things but then convently forget these when asked. Her daughter was left in a poor situation for a while until she sorted out things for herself. Her mother could helped her out but her attitude was terrible when this daughter asked for help.
Her other daughter meanwhile has a few kids and is a sahm. This daughter had a few family issues and her mother did nothing to help her out. Her mother moaned if she was ask to babysit an odd time and always try to come up with an excuse of why she could not do this.
Her mother is comfortable financially but has never offered this daughter as much as a penny despite knowing that daughter had a lot of expenses at various times.

Now their mother is getting on and is beginning to lean on these 2 daughters more for help.
The first daughter I mentioned here has been put upon for the last time. She is making plans and has decided that she won't be left carrying her mother's care in the future.
The other daughter meanwhile has started to pull away from the mother. She visits when and if it suits her. Due to her family she won't have time to help her mother out in the next few years.
The truth is that if there mother helped them out a bit over the past few years they would have been more willing to help her out in the future. As it stands now they will help only if it suits them to do so.

You told us that your mother mentions the fact that your sister is not calling to see her.

Your also listening to your mother complain about your sister and perhaps about other things also. Along with this your perhaps helping her out with different things.
When your mother mentions you sister say will I am here so what do you want me to do or bring the conversation to another topic.
Your mother does not need to know that your sister has given up work for a while otherwise she will be ringing her and expecting her to drop all to call over and do things for her.

You mentioned that your sister has 3 teenagers and she has given up work recently. I know people with children of her ages and it can be hard with them growing up, doing exams and with extra curricular activities. Your sister has probably been under a lot of pressure working full time up till now and decided to give up work for a while.

I think that your relationship with your mother was probably better in the past than the one your sister had. Perhaps your sister needed her help in the past with her kids or money wise and your mother did not help then. Maybe your sister just finds your mother hard going or finds it hard listening to her moaning about things or people.

Meanwhile you and your other sister need to decide how much your willing to do and how often you call to her. Perhaps you need to get your mother involved with a retirement group, into a local day care center ect where she can meet people of her own age.

I know one lady who has a few adult children. She has a golden daughter and son. Over the years she helped the golden daughter with money and child care. The same golden daughter hardly has time to call to her mother. She has a few children and works a few days a week.
She was asked to do something recently for her mother and said she could not do this because of the kids. The truth is she was not willing to look into making this particular thing work or to put herself out in any way.

Meanwhile this lady has 2 other daughters. She promised one daughter a few things but then convently forget these when asked. Her daughter was left in a poor situation for a while until she sorted out things for herself. Her mother could helped her out but her attitude was terrible when this daughter asked for help.
Her other daughter meanwhile has a few kids and is a sahm. This daughter had a few family issues and her mother did nothing to help her out. Her mother moaned if she was ask to babysit an odd time and always try to come up with an excuse of why she could not do this.
Her mother is comfortable financially but has never offered this daughter as much as a penny despite knowing that daughter had a lot of expenses at various times.

Now their mother is getting on and is beginning to lean on these 2 daughters more for help.
The first daughter I mentioned here has been put upon for the last time. She is making plans and has decided that she won't be left carrying her mother's care in the future.
The other daughter meanwhile has started to pull away from the mother. She visits when and if it suits her. Due to her family she won't have time to help her mother out in the next few years.
The truth is that if there mother helped them out a bit over the past few years they would have been more willing to help her out in the future. As it stands now they will help only if it suits them to do so.

Well you could also say your brother is selfish for remaining abroad and not prioritising his parents. His weekly phone call and annual visit seems to be seen as him being a super son. Whereas your sister who is busy with three kids should be leaving the kids with her Dh and prioritising her elderly parents just because you and your sister and your mother think she should be more available .

😂 oh dear!

If your sister isn't close to your mum for whatever reason, your mum turning on the waterworks to get her other children to apply pressure on your sister won't change that.

OP - don’t be the flying monkey here. Your sister has made her choices and is seemingly happy with them. You’ve made your choices. Absolutely not your place to interfere.

I am also a 70s child. My mother had 4 children after me, and so absolutely no interest or time for me, after the age of 8 or 9. By the time I reached 11 she had forgotten my birthday- she remembered by evening and then said she hoped I hadn't realised. It was that sort of childhood. Food, clothes, but nothing personal.

Please don't sit you sister down for a serious conversation. If anyone did that to me, I would at best lie to them (at worst walk out).You can't make someone love someone over lunch.You can't repair the past over lunch.

During lockdown my husband had a weekly zoom call with his many siblings. I thought this was lovely. Each week they’d pick a subject. One time it was their memories of childhood and growing up. It was incredible how different their perceptions were.

Do you know what she's saying about you behind her back? Mine was very similar to yours and constantly moaned about my DB and SIL to me for years. I thought they were dreadful based on what she was saying and it affected our relationship.

I then discovered she'd been moaning about me and my DH to them for years and they thought similarly! Someone who is being that critical and judgmental is likely to be doing it to others too. Probably trying to manipulate the lot of you into doing things.

And people like this can just moan about anything. They're never happy. Even if you all visited every day all day!

I'd just refuse to listen to the moaning or suggest she talks to your sister if she's that bothered about it.

Mine also had antiquated attitudes about eldest daughter and caring responsibilities - and the elderly parent is always put above children. Mine isn't impressed that my child comes before her in my priorities but having grown up with the elderly relative's needs always being prioritised over the child (including teenagers) there's no way I'd do that to my DD.

My DH put it very well when he observed I could do everything asked of me and my mother would still find something to complain about because that is how she bonds with my brothers.

@GinIsMySaviour I didn't want to let this pearl of wisdom pass by unnoticed. So true for so many families.

I’d be inclined to let your sister know that your parents would love to see more of her and be honest they they need more support nowadays, and leave it at that.

It probably boils down to two options- either she has her reasons for not seeing them (and that’s her business) or she’s selfish and can’t be bothered.

My DH has three siblings and his brother, who’s the most golden child, is the least considerate of his parents’ feelings. He’s not a bad person, but I’ve known him for 20-plus years and he’s always be very self-absorbed! He’s quite happy for his siblings to make all the effort with their parents now that they can’t do anything for him, IYSWIM.

I am so incredibly grateful to some of these comments about 70s upbringings, I've had a real epithany.

I've been feeling like, as a PP said, a terrible person because I don't want to hug and comfort my elderly parents (especially my mother). I'm doing my bit, in fact I'm spending hours and hours a week on sorting stuff out for them, but I'm doing it as a duty or job rather than with any love or tenderness.

When I go to them, as I do more often than I want to, (a good 1.5 hours away), my mother wants me to sit down and chat while I just want to get on with the myriad stuff she can't do herself. Mostly what I feel is impatience, frustration and irritation. And then guilt. In fact I'd say guilt and resentment is the toxic combination of feelings.

And my parents weren't bad parents. They love and loved us, I've no doubt. But they were incredibly hands-off. Nannies, boarding schools for my brothers, few holidays together. Benign neglect, I guess. They only engaged with from our late teens when we became interesting. It's so part of their age and class that I accept it, but their total lack of interest in my children or being grandparents, except in ways my mother could talk to her friends about, really brought it home to me. They laughed at my MIL for playing snakes and ladders with mine when they were little, saying things like 'it's so sweet that she enjoys it'. Not understanding that nobody loves snakes and ladders, we just love engaging with small children in whatever way we can.

Anyway, this is kind of irrelevant to the OP but I'm just so relieved to have what I felt were my callous feelings expressed by others in a way that makes me feel like I'm not horrible. I realise that if you weren't cared for as a small child in a warm, effusive way, then you can't care for them back in that way, even if it's something they now want.

PS therefore, I totally get where the bad sister is coming from.

@Valleyofthedollymix that really resonates! Mine wants to sit and chat for hours and I hate it. I'm just not interested (she moans about everyone else she sees, it's not interesting conversation), plus I don't have much headspace for it as I have a full time job and child and I'm a massive introvert and can't be doing with all the interaction - my child needs the interaction and she gets it, but I don't have the energy for my Mum too. It's also not compatible with my energetic child as Mum wants to sit and chat, child wants to be active and play. Mum thinks child should sit there in silence!

Plus the only showing an interest in grandchildren so she can pretend to her friends she's a hands on GP really annoys me. She then moans about the friends for being hands on GPs!