My sister doesn’t seem to care

[Mc1980]

My mother is in her early 80s and has been very always been sensitive and emotional most of the time. She gets very teary over the fact that my older sister (47), her second born and first daughter, fails to come and see her or check in on her and my dad regularly enough. My dad is in his 90s and his health is not the best. My mum seems to think and feel that my sister doesn’t care about them at all, and complains to me and my other sister about it quite often.
My older sister has three daughters (9, 12, 14) which understandably keeps her busy. She lives about 25/30 minutes away from mum and dad. She used to work full time but now has stopped working for the moment to look after her girls. The thing is she never seems to want to visit our childhood home or make arrangements to come see our mother and father, even for just an hour here or there. My mum isn’t aware she’s not working at the moment. She doesn’t seem to want to get involved with anything that is concerning my mother or helps her with anything much at all.
My sister doesn’t seem to have much empathy or consideration for them and just shrugs her shoulders and says they’re just getting old. She chooses to take overseas holidays and weekends away and never really makes the effort to see them in person anymore and it’s breaking my mum’s heart. Her kids are loaded with weekend activities which leaves little time for my sister to come and see mum and dad, even just by herself. I don’t know why my BIL can’t just look after the kids for an hour or two?. I’m worried that she’ll wake up one day and it will be too late.
I don’t know how to handle this with my mother (or sister). My other sister (45) and I are always around to offer help my mum with simple tasks and keeping her company. She often complains to us about my sister and how she never does this or that.
Any advice from someone who has gone through this would be appreciated.

I used to visit my parents every week for years, then lockdown arrived and I realised I just don't want to see them. I loved the break from their negativity. I visited due to obligation and guilt, and in all honesty, they were never there for me the few times I've needed support.

I now visit much less regularly, I still don't really want to but the obligation is still there.

I've useless siblings too. My method of dealing with it is to completely ignore it. I help my parents how I want to and what my siblings do is completely up to them. I'm free not to help out if I don't want to. It's my choice.

If your Mum complains to you then I'd tell her it's not your business. Maybe suggest your sister is probably busy if you want to make her feel better about it.

My siblings are useless but I still have a positive relationship with them. I wouldn't rely on them to help me out if I needed it but we get on when we see each other.

Was this really helpful? neilyoungismyhero wasn’t asking for advice, she’s said she finds it hurtful, she can’t have found it easy reading all the PPs saying “if she doesn’t visit, there’ll be a reason”, and now you put the boot in.

Another question- this time one that I think we all know the answer to.

If your Dsis was to have a miraculous change of personality and visit your DM the "right" number of times per week or month, do you think your DM would stop complaining and start being happy and grateful to have such a caring family, or would she find something else to moan and be upset about instead?

I genuinely opened this thread to see if it was about me (although I'd be surprised if DB was on mumsnet tbf). And all I can say is, your sister will have her reasons, as do I, and mine are historical and complex. I'm much happier with an arms length relationship with my DM for lots of reasons, none of which would be obvious to anyone else, including DB who is younger and has an entirely different relationship with her. We get on fine and I love her, but I have no desire for a close day to day relationship.

Interesting that you say your DM is sensitive and emotional - that's one of the things that I struggle with with my DM, when I see her she wants a lot more from me emotionally (long in depth conversations about her feelings) and in terms of physical affection than I am comfortable wth. We didn't have that closeness at all when I was younger (in fact she was very dismissive of my feelings as a child and young adult) and I struggle to fake it now, and it's become worse as she's got older and feels more vulnerable I guess.

The only thing you can control is your own relationship with your DM and how much you do. Your sister is doing what works for her.

No one has any obligation to have anything to do with their parents. She is making her choice and it is hers to make. The sisters are making theirs.

How often does your DS actually see them?

@zeldarubinstein I'm an only DC but a lot of what you said resonated with me. My DPs weren't bad parents, they did the absolute best they could but - and maybe this was just a 70s thing- this didn't include much in the way of emotional support or acknowledgment of feelings.

So whilst I'm happy enough to offer practical support and visits now, I don't feel able to provide much emotional support, which then makes me feel like a Grade A horrible person, because who doesn't want to hug and comfort their poor old elderly DM.

I would suggest op having a conversation with your sister about this. Take her out for lunch and say you want to discuss something seriously. Try and ask her very tactfully why she is behaving in this way but don’t pre-judge anything. Feel free to express your own viewpoints too. Good luck.

Ugh. That sounds horribly formal. I'd hate that and instantly become really defensive. "Discuss something seriously..?" That would induce an instant stress response in me.

@rookiemere

I'm also a 70s child so you are likely right about it being an 'of the times' thing. What my DM doesn't recognise is that attachments need to form in early childhood for them to be secure and reciprocal, and if I'm brutally honest I don't think I have those attachments in the same way a lot of other people do, because of how she parented me (no DF in the picture). So a childhood devoid of physical affection and emotional connections and support, simply does not lay the foundations for that same type of relationship when DCs are adult and DPs are older and take more of the 'child' role, no matter how much the DPs want it or feel they are owed it.

OPs sister is late 40s I think, so something similar may well be playing a part in her detachment.

My mother is in her early 80s and has been very always been sensitive and emotional most of the time. She gets very teary over the fact that my older sister (47), her second born and first daughter, fails to come and see her or check in on her and my dad regularly enough.

Some people find needy, overly emotional people stifling and your DM sounds unbearable to me. Just reading the first two sentences of your OP made me feel claustrophobic. So maybe that is how your DM makes your older DSis feel? Have you ever asked how your DM's neediness makes her feel? How she feels about your DM constantly bitching about her behind her back?

I find your comments about her taking holidays and weekends away bizarre tbh. Do you think she shouldn't ever go away and just be at your teary DM's beck and call? Do you actually enjoy your DM's company, or do you just feel you have to be the dutiful daughter. Do you ever go away yourself?

This sounds so patronising. Don't do this OP. You'll only alienate your sister even more!

What my DM doesn't recognise is that attachments need to form in early childhood for them to be secure and reciprocal bang on!

Actually having a conversation and talking to your sister openly about the issue is patronising?

OK then.

Ask yourself why.

That is your starting point.

We're not obliged to look after elderly parents OP . Those who want to and have a close relationship with their parents then fine. But those of us who don't, then meh. They should make their own arrangements.

Actually flip this on its head ask your mother why.

Is there a cultural expectation of the matriarch to be elevated regardless of behaviour.

When her children were young, did you parents help with childcare?
Maybe if they didn't help when she didn't it, she doesn't feel like she should help out now they are older?

OP my brothers would say something similar about me. My mother is also “sensitive and emotional” but that manifested as emotional abuse, blackmail and manipulation when I was young and any time she sees me now but my brothers choose not to see it.

i stopped seeing her completely when I had DD as my mother tried to pull the same shit with her - trying to get DD to side with her against me. All very subtle but enough that DD got it and asked why my mother didn’t seem to want me to be happy.

She uses pity as a manipulation tool. Constant whining to my brothers about how I never see her and she’s not in DD’s life. They tried to guilt me into seeing her more but I didn’t comply so they stopped.

I’m not saying your DM is the same but I echo PP’s point about what would happen if your sister did fulfil the requisite visit obligation?

My DH put it very well when he observed I could do everything asked of me and my mother would still find something to complain about because that is how she bonds with my brothers.

I am not challenging your experience of your DM but wanted to support PPs’ point that children experience their parents / upbringing differently and your sister’s choice is hers to make.

She gets very teary over the fact that my older sister (47), her second born and first daughter, fails to come and see her or check in on her and my dad regularly enough.

Have I missed how often the oldest dd visits? It's just not 'regularly enough'...suppose if op and other dd are there all the time- (is that actually 24/7?)then anything other than this constant vigilance won't satisfy those unhappy with eldest dd?

No. Telling her that you need to have a serious conversation (after enticing her out for what she thought would just be a nice lunch together) and "asking her why she behaves that way" is what's patronising and actually quite arrogant.

By all means have general friendly and casual conversations about your mum, in which you drop in how much she misses DSis, but talking to her as if you're her teacher, after getting her out under false presences? That's grim.

I actually read this initially because I thought perhaps my brother had posted it about me!

Like @rookiemere I'm a 70s child, and I often think I just don't have any emotional capacity for them and care towards them. My brother is younger, and much closer. (emotionally). I'm sure my parents moan to each other about my lack of caring vs his.

Whilst geographically much closer to my elderly parents (5 minute drive), my brother is 30 min drive, and he spends at least a full day there each week (WFH at them), and sometimes pops in another time. He phones for a full and long chat every morning.

I pop in for an hour once a week (or even every 10 days), and call every day but the calls are often less than 5 minutes as I just can't seem to find anything to make conversation about.

However, I manage to chat on the phone several times a day to close friends.

I feel sad about it tbh, but I accept that he and I have a different relationship with our parents, and I just hope that they all see that too, rather than thinking I'm uncaring and heartless...

Another possibility is that the sister is selfish and can't be bothered to go out her way for her parents. I don't think there is always a proper reason. It's still up to her though. As it is up to the OP what she chooses to do.

pncr · Yesterday 17:47
My siblings could complain all they liked about me not doing enough. But it's none of their business. No one is obligated to care for a parent.”

This.

Are you deliberately misinterpreting my post?

I said "Take her out for lunch and say you want to discuss something seriously". It's fairly clear both parties would know what the discussion was about. Saying you want to have a serious discussion doesn't immediately make most people's mind jump to having a laugh and a nice time!

The lunch bit was a deliberate move to get them both to engage seriously with the issue at hand. It's so easy to have conversations with family members on the hoof when one of them is half way out of the door, or preoccupied with children. And in those circumstances things are misunderstood or misinterpreted. This needs full engagement from both sides; it could be over lunch, on a walk, on a garden bench, it doesn't matter as long as there are no distractions.

Also, how did you interpret me saying "but don’t pre-judge anything" as me suggesting the op talks to her sister "like a teacher"? When I said don't judge I meant don't judge and be open to hearing her side in other words.