The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@Ameanstreakamilewide you need to contact the adult social care services of their local authority (whoever they pay their council tax to) and request an assessment for your PIL. Anyone can do this on behalf of someone else if they have a concern. They will take it from there - they will get a visit from a social worker who will see how they’re managing and if they consider care is needed then it will be commissioned through them. They will also do a financial assessment and this will determine how much of a contribution they make towards care costs.

as an example, my mum was assessed as needing carers visiting four times a day, arranged via her council and we pay the council for it. They help her get up and washed and dressed, and prepare simple meals for her (we stock the fridge once a week). They give her her medication (she has a blister pack from the pharmacy and they are allowed to give tablets from that). They check her incontinence pads and wash up the pots from her previous meal. The house is getting grubby, so we approached the agency and they have arranged for one of her regular carers to do some cleaning, and this is deemed “private” and we pay the agency directly for this.

i was in exactly your position last year, knowing mum needed help but refusing it and I was overwhelmed on where to start and where to go. I found getting her “in the system” was a huge help, as then you’re on a conveyor belt and talking to people who know what they’re doing. However she still needs a strong advocate to manage all of this, and as your SIL has POA, a lot will fall to her. You are right that your DH and his brother need to step up and I’m sure your SIL will be grateful for your support in making this happen. Unfortunately, some people do find it hard to accept this is happening, my brother did. He’s on board now, but he’s had a hard time emotionally seeing our strong mum become a frail confused old lady.

Thank you so much @funnelfan . That's excellent advice.

No problem. Sadly it’s a long hard road and I’ve found the “café“ to be a great place for moral support and practical advice, it’s been invaluable to me. Welcome and sorry you have to be here.

Indeed. I've been lurking for a couple of weeks and knew i'd found the right place. I suspect i'll be back again soon, so i appreciate the warm welcome.

Advice needed... My dad has lung disease... He had a lung function test last week and is now telling everyone that the man who did the test told him he didn't need to go to the follow up appointment with the consultant. (No such conversation took place as my sister was with him the whole time)
He has a history of deciding what appointments he will go to, winding my mum up so badly that she cancels the appointments and just generally making life difficult. We know it's his choice, but ultimately he needs to go to this appointment.

Could you tell him it’s for something different, or that one of the tests needs to be repeated?

Mum was supposed to have a follow up appt for a colonoscopy. She kept cancelling. I didn't have POA so there was nothing to be done. They discharged her in the end.

Today is one of those days I have nothing but incoherent rage at how I ended up here. Thank you for giving a space where people can say that.

💐for you, EmmaEmerald. I'm relatively early on in the process and am trying to decide and set my boundaries.

@EmmaEmerald I understand. 💐

There was a conversation between my husband and his siblings last night, which was quite fraught at times.

My eldest BiL asked both brothers to join the call because their sister was really struggling and needed some support.
They did it on Comms, on Discord, so i didn't catch everything that was said, but the bottom line was Peter (not his real name) has made it clear that they both need to be supporting their Mum and sister a lot more.

He put them right about some misconceptions they both seem to have picked up from somewhere, which is possibly just 'legacy sibling gripes', as i call it. They said their sister, Grace (again, not her real name) was 'controlling' and need to leave their parents alone a little bit.

I stayed quiet during the call, as it's partly none of my business, but, afterwards i started mulling over a couple of things.
Suppose the siblings simply don't want to help out? I know morally/ethically, it's a shitty thing to do, but they can simply wash their hands of the whole affair, can't they??
I don't know what i'm trying to express there...

I realise that i'm treating this thread like a diary, so i apologise if that's not cricket, but i need to get this off my chest.

Gordon and MissM, thank you, I appreciate that.

Ameanstreak, yes, of course they can wash their hands of it.

It's tricky when siblings want to/are able to do different amounts in terms of supporting parents. What isn't OK is to bury their heads in the sand and pretend there isn't an issue, if there is. Your DH snd his DB should at least be working with their DSis to arrange help and care as required.

@Ameanstreakamilewide nobody can make them want to do anything. Yes, it would be nice if they chose to help out a bit, but often logistics and relationships with their parents come into play.
Essentially one person doesn't get to decide what anyone else wants to contribute to the issue. In your case BIL doesn't get to tell the other brothers that their sister is shouldering the burden and what are they intending to do about it because everyone has freedom of choice.
I choose to 'care about ' my parents, I have made it clear I will never care FOR them. I have 5 siblings. 4 of those siblings do absolutely nothing out of choice (but still have very loud opinions at times) 1 does about 60% of the life admin, which as my mum particularly loathes this sibling they are very very lucky to get. I take the pressure off the 1 sibling as much as I can.
Care can be paid for, nobody has to become anything they don't want to be in these relationships. Outsourcing care come with risks, but I've spent a lot of years working in elderly care and sheltered housing, so I have the benefit of knowing that I'm not going to be able to somehow stop the falling, the decline, the aging process, and in all of it my daughter relationship with my parents is more important than being their carer

It's frustrating & also hurtful when a sibling won't help. My DB has gone NC with my DM and me & my dSis. There were no real expectations for him to do anything to care for DM but, in his own words to me "Dont care. Not interested". DM was very unpleasant to him on many ocassions - she does think she can say what she likes to anyone and they'll just suck it up. I guess he just had enough and walked away. So, @EmmaEmerald , what I'm trying to say in my rambly way is "No, you can't make anyone help care for elderly person, it's their choice and in the end they will have to square it with their own conscious".

@Lightuptheroom Very well put.

@Ameanstreakamilewide agree with pps here. If they don't want to help, they don't have to. I'm having similar issues with family members who clearly are not going to help and are just waiting for their inheritance! At the same time, I'm also aware that I have a choice too so trying to be clear where my support has to stop. It's sounds like your husband has done a really good and responsible thing in trying to get further support but unfortunately, he can only make them more aware though it might not change their response. Hope it all works out!

@GordonBennett345 My husband and his younger brother are still in denial about how unwell their Dad is.
They seem to be under the impression that my mil and sil are catastrophising; which they do have form for, admittedly.
But, i think this is the denial talking...

It's only by them getting off their arses and putting in the hours in with their Dad that they'll fully appreciate their Mum and sister's predicament.

MissMarplesNiece I didn't post about siblings not helping, that was Ameanstreak

Their relationship with their mum is clouding their judgement, i think, @Lightuptheroom, so you're spot on.

Where there are sticky points in their childhoods, etc, they lay the blame solely at their mum's door, and i'm not sure why they're so content to do that.
I have to defend her every time it comes up, cos it's simply not fair. She's a wonderful Mum, Grandmother and wife; and Jesus Christ, no one's perfect...

They said they're happy to help out because it's for their dad's benefit, and not simply because it would be helping their mum. Which blew my mind last night, quite frankly. That's some mental contortions going on there.

what I'm trying to say in my rambly way is "No, you can't make anyone help care for elderly person, it's their choice and in the end they will have to square it with their own conscious".

I agree. And I would also add that they should recognise that others will also react according to their conscience and they can’t control that. @Ameanstreakamilewide, what strikes me from your post is that it may be helpful for your DH and siblings to come to terms with who they are helping and why. Is it your mum-in-law, or is it the sister? If there are legacy sibling relationship niggles, and/or a degree of burying head in sand on the reality of the situation then I could see how that could start to cause tension and be a bit messy. It’s hard enough dealing with it all when family is in agreement!

Sorry, cross post!

They said they're happy to help out because it's for their dad's benefit, and not simply because it would be helping their mum. Which blew my mind last night, quite frankly.

if it mean their dad got the right support and your SIL got some respite I’d take it to be honest. Maybe the reality of the situation will sink in once they start doing more?

What does "legacy sibling" mean? I've never heard that before.

This sort of mess is why their older brother's sensible influence is a must, as he has made it perfectly clear to them that they need to give both their mum and their sister a break from the caring responsibilities.
So, looking after their Dad means that, by extension they're helping their mum and sister.

When my husband came up to bed, i asked him where they've all landed and they're all on the same page now. They've set up a shared calendar, so they can all be clear on who's doing what on which day.

@GordonBennett345 What i mean by that, is sibling shite that is clearly still niggling at them; things that they should have let go of 35 years ago!

Like the Christmas when Grace had 6 presents to open, and i only had 5, or Grace had lots of help with childcare.

Crap like that.