The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

My mum isn't a hoarder but she does have a habit of keeping random stuff in case it's useful. When she had mice in the kitchen I used it as an opportunity to throw out various bits of old hoovers that are never going to fit any replacement. She did insist on keeping the ancient, rusty icing piping thingy that hasn't been used since I was a teen (I'm 64!) just in case she fancied making a cake. Mum hates cooking and I can't remember her ever actually baking, let alone icing a cake!

Thanks for all the replies. It does help to know lots of people have the same situation. Sigh.

Yes, it’ll be me house clearing in the end. DH took about 3 months to do his parents… this might take longer. Eventually. But I keep thinking that when it’s just a task it’s easier than it is now, because I could use my own judgement. Right now, with them living there, I can’t impinge on their choices, so there’s so much I have to just turn away from. I keep wishing they’d let me help properly, whilst also at the same time knowing I don’t want to be there more often and that it’s a mammoth task. There’s no answer really other than wishing they’d made better choices. It’s certainly made me more ruthless about decluttering and not letting stuff pile up in the first place.

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation . I know what you mean. Your Dad sounds like mine. I’d be surprised if mine ever moved now. Glad yours did!

@MotherOfCatBoy I echo everything you have said with my parents house. They aren’t that elderly yet, both mid 70s, but have really started to struggle to keen on top of their house over the last 10 years. I used to regularly clean everywhere and spend hours going through their fridge when I visited because I couldn’t bear it but I have just given up in recent years. As fast as I try to help or do something about it, they seem to go all the faster to return it to what I think is chaos. At the end of the day, I am just trying to make my peace with the fact it is their chaos and they have a right to live like that if they wish. My mother has a significant mental health condition that has challenged them for most of their adult lives and I do realise this makes things harder, but they choose not to listen and it just causes more upset when I try to. Until it becomes unsafe, I am just trying to ignore what I can but it is very hard. My intention when they are no longer there is to remove the photos etc and pay someone to clear the rest.

@MotherOfCatBoy I feel your pain. dh has just returned from a weekend of sorting out his parents' house. PILs are in their 90s, both moved into a care home, house is being sold.

There is just so much 'stuff'. PILs didn't want to take much with them to the care home, and they accept that the house is being sold. But they want to know that someone (in the family) has the piano, and that grandma's tea-set is being loved by new owner (in their minds, one of the dgc, not a collector of vintage china).

However, on the bright side, I'm enjoying reading dh's school reports from 50 years ago which tell me that he was a lazy bugger - lots of ability but needed pushed to apply himself. Nothing changed there

Also, I'm wondering, with all the collective knowledge from this topic (and people's personal experiences), whether YOU/WE/I/US anyone is now reconsidering their own future life plans? Will you downsize at 70? Have you made substantial altertions to your will (I have)? How can we live out the most ideal life in old age?

We are certainly looking at our options (we're 64). We've updated our wills and next job is getting POA set up. We only have 1 son in the UK so want to make things as easy as possible for him. Once we retire we plan to move to somewhere with easier access to GP and shops and easier to maintain than our 250 year old cottage with steep, wonky stairs and a large garden. Boys have both been told that we don't want them to be tied by us.
Our parents never had the care issues with their parents that we have had with ours so hopefully our perspective will be different when it comes to the crunch 🤞

@venusandmars It does make me massively conscious of the impact we could have on our own DC as we age and that preparing for that in some ways can only help. In theory, I say we would downsize etc but I would also hope that in our mid 70s, we’d still be travelling and enjoying life with good health. It seems unfair when I say that yet I expect my parents to have prepared more and face up to the fact that they are becoming more elderly (not talking about age here, more mindset and life stage with health). I am sure they also thought the same when they thought of their older years when they were my age.

My PILs have taken a very practical stance to this and completely decluttered, got in help with the garden and house as they have chosen not to downsize and they are enjoying the ability to travel etc whilst they can with the knowledge that their sons will hopefully have less to pick up the pieces than I will with my own parents.

I think being cognitive of the likelyhood of needing care etc and taking steps to remain healthy and independent (downsizing etc if necessary) is the biggest thing I can do to try and make it easier on those around us as we age.

Most definitely! Although we have a school-age child we're older parents and DH is already retired. Which is handy for the schoolruns

We've bought a house that will be suitable for downstairs living when the time comes. Done a big renovation that includes things like making sure doorways are wide enough for a wheelchair and light switches are easily reachable. Small garden that will be more easily maintained (it needs a lot of work to get it to that stage now though!). Location is on several bus routes and short walk to shops, doctor, dentist, district hospital.

Wills are done but need to do POA.

TBH despite not being anywhere near elderly yet, moving to within easy walking distance of local facilities has also meant we're a lot fitter and healthier than we were before we moved house. Instead of jumping in the car to get to most places we walk for most journeys.

Our dilemma is that we live in a house that has relatively flattish walking access to bank, pharmacy, supermarkets (Tesco, Aldi, Lidl are all within 15 minutes slow amble) plus river walks, local woodlands... Ideal location. Our house has a downstairs bedroom and showerroom, but realistically it is too big and in the next 10/15 years we should move to somehwere smaller - and in the process get rid of some of our stuff...

We have also changed the terms of our property ownership so that when one of us dies the half value of the house will pass to dc (they won't actually inherit until the other of us goes).

And in the meantime, we are living a great life!

My dad was a mere youngster of 83 when he moved to be near us. Went on to be active in local societies and pressure groups, threw himself into local affairs - I'm really proud of him. 95 is probably pushing it a bit for a move!

Certainly haven't downsized at 70.

I'm being scrupulous about not asking children for favours and trying to convince DH of the same. I've done a spreadsheet of "the house" so they can identify which things are of possible sentimental value, and which things may be worth selling (checking on line for current values)

And I'm busy using all my nice stuff (good china, table linen, heirloom jewellery) on the grounds that I may be the last person to appreciate it so no need to carefully preserve it for the future.

We're already in walking distance of two town centres and railway station, with bus-stops within 50m, so no need to think of moving to more convenient location.We have enough space to create downstairs wetroom and convert a living room into a bedroom. r

I'm trying to have a different mindset to my DM who tells me at least once a week "I never thought I'd end up like this". DM and step dad planned for nothing and it's put an enormous burden on me & my siblings.

Hello all

Just catching up
I don't expect up like this on account of my lifestyle but I always think George Michael's age would be enough for me.

Mum has had two incidents in the last week with paramedics being called out. We were initially looking for a respite care place (funded privately) but then she is so up and down, it's hard to tell.

What I'm thinking is that I'm not sure if she's better when I'm not here. I don't mean because she's forced to manage but just that sometimes it's a default to lean on someone? My sister was here yesterday doing admin and she said mum was fine making a drink etc (wrist fracture in non dominant hand).

I may be tiring myself out over-caring IYSWIM, interested to hear the advice of others on the board.

What I'm thinking is that I'm not sure if she's better when I'm not here. It’s possible. Doesn’t mean to say she’s “using” you. As you get older, things get more difficult, you have to use more work-arounds, the whole of life becomes more difficult, more tiring, not just physically but mentally because you have to do so much planning for something someone younger would do in an instant.

I’ve said before how frustrating I find it that when DM was my age she was looking after her mum and she was very vocal about how grandma should have moved house when she was able, and about how dependent she was on mum etc. And now she’s in exactly the same position Grandma was in, and I’m running around like mum was. I think the general consensus is that as we age it’s very common to overestimate our abilities and to be over optimistic about the future, and reality only hits when we get to an “oh shit” moment.

Oh I don't think she is using me
I just wonder if I'm fussing too much as I'm so horrified by how hard everything is for her. My sister just says "oh we will be like that" but I never want to get that far. (Puffing happily on my vape as I type).

Mum knew her grandparents, I never knew mine. I don't know what's normal ability at this age really.

I don't know what's normal ability at this age really. I don't think there is a normal for age, health levels diverge hugely. I see on MN people worrying about their relatives in their 70s who are virtually housebound and needing a huge amount of support, possibly even a care home, while I am around people in their 70s and 80s who are regularly hill walking, climbing, caving, carrying out voluntary work such as erecting fencing high in the hills, abseiling down potholes to pull out rubbish - in other words, more active and physically fit than many much younger people.

My experience is that energy levels decrease. In my early 70s I can still do everything, I'm just more likely to want a little sit down when I've done a job. I would no longer want to commute 3 hours a day to a full time job, I'd just flake out in the evening, rather than prepare a meal, look after the family, and get chores done so we can have the weekend free which is what I used to do. And I walk slower than younger people when I'm going up a long hill.

Common to all my 70-something friends is that we're all finding we forget words - it's no use looking for them, you have to sidle past and snatch them when they come into your peripheral vision. But we're all capable of learning new things - new language, new musical instrument. Medical things start kicking in - hypertension, underactive thyroid are the most usual - but they can be controlled with drugs so don't affect every day life. Arthritis, on the other hand, is an unmitigated nuisance, as are cataracts.

And of course once you get to 90s, the range of abilities just explodes. Although I suspect most 90 year olds would struggle to stand up after sitting on the floor.

Mentally, the Alzheimer Society website has a comparison table of what is normal ageing and what is possibly dementia.

My mum says exactly the same thing but fails to realise that her shockingly bad diet and lack of exercise has led to her ill health. At my age she already seemed old.

Currently have both parents at the hospital. Mum for a routine CT scan and dad admitted for tests having been found on the floor by the carer this morning
😟

What oh I'm sorry. I hope he's okay.

Mere yes, I suppose it's less about her age than what I consider to be an okay way to live. I have been here 5 days since her wrist fracture and I'm shattered, but I like to cook her food the way she wants and make sure she has cuddles and company.

We did want to put her in respite care but no places at the two homes we wanted and then she seemed to improve and then went downhill again.

The plan is she will be alone in the daytime from the weekend. I'm wondering if that's really okay for her but I suppose I will find out quickly if it's not?

The price of the caring agency staff is now putting off my sister as well, who thinks it's unnecessary. Mum can use the bathroom, make a tea one handed. Is that okay to be left alone, what do others think? I am in walking distance now.

@EmmaEmerald Respite care is so hard to find.

My dad had his first stay recently and there was only one bed in the town that they live in (population around 150,00). Ideally he needed to stay an extra couple of days but they couldn't accommodate him beyond two weeks.

Sixteen phone calls before I managed to get through to someone at the hospital today to find out that dad is still waiting for his tests. I think he'll be in overnight.

I want to book some respite for my DM but I don't know whether she would actually go. I've just had her sobbing on the phone because my nephew suggested she should have a carer go in a couple of times a day. How have you persuaded your Aged P to go to respite?