The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@RuthTopp I doubt you'll hear from her again. She can be in her happy place with the sparkly unicorns, not forced to see that people have real problems that can't be solved with breathing exercises. I think we'd all like to pretend that this life isn't happening to us but sadly ignoring it does not make it all go away. People change, relationships fade as a result.

I'm feeling very sad and tearful. Yesterday me & my DB met house clearers who are going to empty mum's bungalow. Everything is going, carpets, curtains, furnishings, nick nacks no one else wants. I just feel so very, very sad - all the things DM & step dad used to make a happy life. Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed by the bittersweet symphony that's life. DH says I should remember the happy times I had there, but somehow that makes it sadder.

I found your post very moving...💐 x

@Knotaknitter yes, I think I won't hear from her again which is very disappointing and sad. I have plenty of good stuff to talk about but I'm not willing to pretend the bad isn't happening so she can stay in her happy place. I think I'm going to email her and explain that her response wasn't compassionate. Anyone that wants to give me breathing as a solution to pain and loss can F off!!!

This resonates with me, I remember mums sadness that the house clearers who emptied my grandmas house offered £50. Mum kept saying £50 for a lifetime of belongings. Very sad.

But now mum is that age herself and she has totally let go of any attachment to “stuff”, even her wedding ring. I’ve made sure it’s safe but she’s not bothered. I’m trying to use that to detach and tell myself they’re only things that once had emotional value but their time has now gone. I deal with it by taking pictures, eg the last surviving piece of crockery from a set used when I was a child. The pattern triggers such memories, but I can get them from the photo now rather than having a random dish cluttering up or kitchen.

I know the day is coming in the next couple of years when we’ll have to sell the house she’s lived in all my life. Both DB and I dread it because of our emotional attachment to the place. We both left home at 21, but our parents house represented the place at both still consider “home” and to not be able to go there any more is a very sad thought. I do sympathise.

@GordonBennett345 I think you probably meant what @Knotaknitter said, but I think there is separately up to six weeks of state-funded “rehab” if someone is coming out of hospital and needs to learn eg how to manage with reduced mobility. This might happen in a care facility. Was it that you were thinking of?

Yes clearing up and selling the family home is so very painful. It's like total finality that that part of life has really gone forever. I'm dreading it myself but it has to be done. Just know your not alone

@Newmum738 I have noticed before that those of a "right on" hippy lifestyle are sometimes the most selfish & least empathetic. Not all, of course, I've also met some who aren't like that, but many more that are. It's sad when a friend is unsupportive - fairweather friends.

@funnelfan @MissMarplesNiece my mum went through this too over my mama's stuff and was very upset.

I'm not sure tbh! I've probably confused the 2 but it seems neither applies. Thanks to you both though.

@Newmum738 with friends like that who needs enemies!
@MissMarplesNiece I am dreading this too. Getting rid of all the things that made them 'them' if you see what I mean 😢

I'm feeling abit overwhelmed today. Carers started today which went well but they messaged me with lots of things they recommend which made me feel I was failing nan. It's just so new to me, I don't know how any of this works! Carer said that we can get free equipment from the OT service but when I looked, it is means tested so I don't think this applys to nan as she has alot of savings. Managed to get a district nurse to call as she has a pressure sore. I am so not loving my new responsibilities which I know is selfish of me...

@MissMarplesNiece it seems so final to be disposing of the tangible elements that surrounded someone during their life. My Mum loved sewing and had embroidered lots of cushions. dsis and I found it very hard to just throw them out, but we reminded ourselves that Mum had got hours of pleasure (and a sense of achievement) from making them and years of joy from having them around - that's probably enough to expect from a cushion! I have one painting that Mum did (hanging in a spare bedroom), dsis has one embroidery (also in her spare bedroom). We both took a patterned tile from when Mum singlehandedly renovated and tiled her bathroom, and we made them into potstands. And we took one Christmas decoration each - a nice momento for once a year.

Now we are going throught the same with dh's parents' house. His dps wanted almost nothing to take to their care home. MIL said things no longer mattered to her, what as important was someone sitting and holding her hand.

I know there are fire regulations around what can be passed on but it hurts to know that there are so many in need and all PILs furniture etc is just being discarded. We did what we could - blanket and towels to the local dog and cat home, crockery, cutlery and cooking utensils to a local charity who helps people starting out in their own home, tools to a 'men's shed' group.

My father in law, who has Alzheimer's, goes to a Man Shed group every Monday, so thank you very much for the donation of the tools.

@Nodancingshoes DM has had lots of things from OTs - walking frames - one for upstairs, one for down, bath chair that lowers her into bath, toilet seat & frame that goes round toilet, and they've fitted a hand rail along a wall. It wasn't means tested.

@Nodancingshoes dad had loads of stuff - various walkers, perching stool, shower seat, grab rails etc. None of it means tested and he was self funding. I think it was OT/community nurse/social sevices organise it. Mum has a pivotell on loan from social services.

@Nodancingshoes people really disappoint me sometimes!

@MissMarplesNiece 🌺🌺 your post was really moving- I’ve got that to go through with my bruvs soon. So hard to know what to keep. I’m dreading it.

I think major works are means tested - things like taking a bath out and putting a shower in but equipment isn't. It is worth getting OT involvement, it's their job to spot things that pass us by and even trivial things like chair raisers can make a huge difference to the ease of daily living.

Good point about major works. Mum.and dad had exactly that scenario after dad fractured his pelvis (though tbh should have done it years before but mum preferred baths so tough on dad). When we looked into it not only wad it means tested but you weren't allowed to start work before the decision which could take 12 weeks.

going through selling house with my mum at the moment it's very tough Just hope in time we remember the good times rather than the sad house it is now. My parents lived there for over 40 years so was very much our family home. I remember how difficult it was when my grandparents hine was sold as they have lived there for many years.

My mum sadly passed away in February . The funeral procession left from the family home and went passed my grandparents house her childhood home sad but fitting

Agree with what was said earlier mum had many aids from o.t and she was self funded. They only look at means testing for bigger things such as a walk in shower for example

@Juneday Did they actually give her the pills, without staff present? Or did they talk to her and persuade her to change her mind when the staff offered the pills?

Equipment isn’t, and in our area is loaned not given, ie they will come and pick it up when it’s no longer needed. Obviously they can’t come and pick up a new shower.

@MereDintofPandiculation that is the question I should likely ask. I can’t believe it was all her meds which is concerning too as she has ‘blood thinners’ and one less important med too. So I hope she had already taken those. I will quietly ask the staff when we visit, although sadly no improvement in her behaviour and confusion atm. So not sure if she still has a UTI or not.

I am being over sensitive I think, this basically kind relative had points to make/requests for MiL and I felt somehow as if DH and I were neglecting our roles. Even before MiL’s diagnosis I was her main support, there is so much the family were unaware of but I didn’t feel I needed to tell - funny going through paperwork and finding notes I had written for her; and mine and DH phone number all over the place on scraps of paper, hospital letters, in drawers and bags etc. I sent a letter to the doctor that led to the appointment and referral and dementia diagnosis. MiL asked me to sit in at every hospital visit, even when I didn’t want to, even when she was examined; including her sending a doctor to get me to join her behind curtain in a full ward of ill people the middle of Covid. (I should not have been there.). I have washed soiled clothes and bed linen that the Carers left on the kitchen floor, been told I am ‘not a good DiL’ by MiL a few months ago (In her mind MiL thinks she should be living with me and I should be her full time carer).

I have my parent alive and in their mid 80s and see less of them….

SW has duty of care not family, and that feels like a relief - but during the last 18 years I have spent more time with MiL than anyone else. I took her for coffees, IKEA trips with the children in tow😁, always to us for Xmas with lifts home, DS took her for big shops, etc etc. I say things about her friends and life and DH says ‘I didn’t know that’…. And I am nagging DH to make regular contact with SW - SS won’t talk to non family, but DH often has to ask me for info. I am taking big steps back to let the experts in the nursing home get on, very different from the Carers who left much work to be done ! I would prefer it if all family did the same I suppose. I see our role now akin to the grandparent who gets to spoil their grandchild, albeit this grandchild is having a few tantrums atm.

I know the day is coming in the next couple of years when we’ll have to sell the house she’s lived in all my life. Both DB and I dread it because of our emotional attachment to the place. We both left home at 21, but our parents house represented the place at both still consider “home” and to not be able to go there any more is a very sad thought. I do sympathise. It’s 18 years since we sold my childhood home, and I still feel wistful that I can’t go and wander round the garden when I want.