The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@Lightuptheroom more useful information, thank you. We can’t apply it as don’t have PoA on health & we’ll bring and MiL has capacity, but twice district nurse and/or GP insisted 999 were called and both times paramedics said hospital was not the best place, one crew stayed with MiL 2 hours until they had spoken to doctors, organised urine and blood tests and had confirmation of longer care visits. DH so thankful and was shocked when they rang to say they had waited and organised all this - the reply was we have to because no one else is doing this for elderly vulnerable. Can’t fault any paramedic we have come across, nor the police who found MiL and waited for ambulance. Family agreed DNR which GP registered and we have an A4 certificate with Red Border that is now with care home but that carers had sight of. Although I had assumed it is on records, I don’t know how easily these could be accessed say if a person has fallen, was incoherent (as per MiL) and couldn’t give name etc. Police said they look for address books with elderly as these are usually easy to find, versus mobile phones that are locked.

I know MiL would always refuse hospital and any intervention, she refused a pacemaker and insisted on only one hearing aid 🤔😮 which she never wears😁. Refuses paracetamol even when GP recommends, and I found the VitD I bought her unopened at the back of her cupboard. Luckily now compliant and taking her 4 or 5 meds.

No capacity

In my experience there isn’t a huge desire to get elderly people into hospital. My father, who is adamant that everything should be done to preserve his life, had a “bad turn” with suspected sepsis. Once the ambulance arrived, it was clear he wasn’t declining, and everyone was delighted to leave him under observation at his nursing home.

No formal Respect plan in place, but he does have a care plan which, along with his food preferences, need for turning in bed etc, sets out his desires on when and whether to be admitted to hospital.

Hi,
DM 83 and DD 84 both mentally fine but many illnesses. DM has had 3 falls in 3 weeks. On blood thiners so black and blue and ended up in A&E for head scan (all clear). Live in v old remote house with land and big incontinent elderly dog. Try to go down weekly/fortnightly. Am 1/1.5 hrs away traffic depending. Work 6 days PW and am self employed so hard to take time off. DB bit closer and tries to go weekly too. Trying to sell house and get them moved. DPs have been wonderful parents but both very stubborn and makes helping so much harder as it has to be their way even if it makes work for me. We’ve got a long bumpy road ahead I feel. Try not to bore my husband worrying so nice to find a thread to read of others in similar situations.

To everyone asking yes it's called a peace plan or a respect plan.
My mum didnt have any capacity in the last months of her life and as we had POA we were able to have one put onto her notes for her
Best thing we could have done for her when her problems were all due to dementia end stage in the end

@Catcactus
My nan is the same way. Been a wonderful nan (more like a mum) to me and my DSis but is resisting all outside help. Things have come to a head now and she NEEDS a carer every morning. We have had to go over her head which I hate doing

It’s so tough having to take decisions away from them. Understand it must make them feel powerless. Hopefully your Nan will adjust gradually and it will make life easier for her and you all too.

She has reluctantly agreed to the morning carer starting this week. We can then carry on coming late afternoon between us. She is worried about spending the money she has saved to give to us! I've told her that she needs to think of herself now and use it to help make her life easier. Tbh she can well afford it just from her pensions without touching any savings. Life is pretty rough for her (and us!) right now. I feel emotionally drained. Everything i leave, she cries which is heartbreaking 😢

Thank you for replying - it makes me feel better to know others are feeling like me xx

@Nodancingshoes it is hard and worries about money are very very common but it is the right thing to do, if you are less anxious and stressed it makes for a better visit for you too. MiL often cries when we leave, at hospital, at flat and at nursing home 🙁. But also forgets where she is and tries to stand which is another issue. Good Carer’s worth their weight in gold. 🤞🤞 for you.

@Nodancingshoes does your Nan have attendance allowance? Non means tested and would help cover carer costs. Look on gov.uk. And ask for help from age Iuk, carers uk etc to complete forms.

@thesandwich not yet but it's my job for this week! The form looks very daunting...

Ask for help from AgeUK

Any thoughts? MiL on extra meds due to infections and after a bad night had apparently refused to take them in the morning, nursing home told relative who was visiting and relative took it upon themselves to get MiL to take them. Said nursing staff thanked her…. I used to work for a company that ran conferences and online tutorials for care homes and don’t think this is good practise. I don’t think the home asked relative to do it and I don’t blame them - but I am a bit cross with relative as it could be a safeguarding issue? Am I being OTT?

@Catcactus I need to take a leaf out of your book and try not to bore my husband with the worrying! 🙈

@Nodancingshoes get help with the attendance allowance forms. Citizens Advice is another great avenue for support.

@Catcactus MiL same issue with blood thinners, one doctor against because of falls, but all others said no, she must take them and nursing home also explained how easily she bruises. I think they were worried we would blame them 🙁. They manage risks well with falls mat (alarmed), hoist, etc. The peace of mind it has given us. SS or OT, had ordered a falls mat for the flat before MiL moved, but there was a hold up with the delivery. If your DP don’t have one and/or falls alarms - worth enquiring whilst you are in the process of moving them. Also LA put in key safe and adjustment for the loo. All helps.

Thanks I will look in to falls mat. Have talked about watch personal alarm so will pursue further.

@Juneday I suppose it depends on what they did to get her to take them - a bit of cajoling and a treat afterwards would be fine. If they physically put the pill in her mouth and forced her then it would be wrong.

Also you need to balance the risks between her taking the pill from a relative versus the risk of her not taking her medication.

My concern would be that it would set a precedent and that she would refuse to take them unless the relative was there.

I'm surprised a relative had access to medication, @Juneday Given that they apparently did, my worry would be that it might not be effectively communicated to the person responsible for recording this. Sometimes I feel the need to pass on small pieces of information, for instance if I've had to change MIL's incontinence pants quickly to stop her becoming distressed, rather than wait for assistance. But I can't always be sure about protocols, or that I've told the right person, so even something small like this leaves me mildly anxious. Drug administration seems way too likely to result in cock-ups if left in the hands of amateurs, however well they knew the regime when caring for the person in their own home.

@DahliaMacNamara my concerns too, I don’t want to make a fuss - maybe relative asked if they could help? They said the staff thanked her. I think it was the antibiotics not all meds…. I understand family all struggle with boundaries and also lack of PoA on health & well being, meaning we have little say anyway, but DH & I feel best left to trained staff (our daughter has pharmacology degree and we occasionally ask her a boy side affects etc. But that is as far as we go). I might get the facts from head of nursing care in next visit. Likely just different personalities -me cautious and quietly do things I can versus someone who likes it to be known what they are doing 🤔. Made me think of all the school summer fairs where only certain people liked upfront jobs and got the thanks and praise ….. 🤣.

Does anyone know about an initial period on going into care where the state pays? Is it a disregard period? 12 weeks? I can't find info on who is eligible.

Saw a friend last night who has become a bit hippy. She is living in Canada and back for a couple of weeks. I haven't spoken to her since my mum's dementia diagnosis in March and she hasn't checked in to see how I'm doing. I was talking about my FiL who has been in hospital for over 2 months and she said 'I want to use this time to focus on the things that will really serve us'. I was a bit shocked and said 'I think you've just said you only want to talk about the happy stuff and the thing is my dad has died, my mum has dementia, my FiL has been in hospital for over 2 months and may never come out. I'm caring for a 76 year old and 4 yo who are 3 hours apart. I can talk about the happy stuff but I cannot ignore this'. She apologised and then wanted to do deep breathing exercises to be calm again. I was really disappointed in her and I'm probably not going to hear from her again. How did I find such a friend?!!!

@Newmum738

Your friend is wrapped up in herself and self absorbed . Sadly , not all friendships last and sometimes ( often ) it takes stuff like your dealing with for the scales to fall from our eyes.
start to look forward to her returning back to Canada !

@GordonBennett345 Are you thinking of the 12 week property disregard? That's when you are going to be a full fee payer but the value of your property is disregarded for the initial 12 weeks to give you a window to sell it. Not "free" by any means. The Age UK guide to property is here, the 12 week disregard is at item 5.4

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs38_property_and_paying_for_residential_care_fcs.pdf