The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thoughts with those clearing family homes, emotional and tiring. I still remember going to my grandmothers house after her funeral and no one could speak. She had lived there since she was married at 19, brought up her boys, lost her husband and married again.…. the memories stay, especially if shared regularly.

I dread to think what I'm going to do with all my nans 'stuff'. I like the idea of taking photographs for memories without having to keep it all! Just had a tearful phone call, rushed round to find it was because her TV had gone wrong. I've already been round today on my lunch break. Kept calm, fixed it, made her a cup of tea and biscuits and now home. I've worked a 10 hour day today so really really need my bed tonight.

I’m still completely broken from clearing my mum & dads place after moving them in to assisted living. Mum is a hoarder. It was so sad that there were corners of her bedroom that she’d never looked at or cleaned. I had to pick things up with one hand, with a mini vac in the other hand to prevent the gigantic dust bunnies attacking me. A whole fridge (unplugged but still sealed) of ice tea bottles that had fermented. Exploding, swollen cans of ‘god knows what’ that nearly took my eye out when touched.
The saddest thing was figuring out that she must have given up a very long time ago…perhaps in the mid 1980s. Her and my athsmatic dad living in those conditions for decades - and very odd how once they’d moved, she just forgot and let go of all the stuff, while I spent months sorting through it all like some unpaid worker. I wish I’d discarded everything and let a clearance company come and do the dirty work. I’m not even sure it was worth it for the family photographs, but perhaps with time I’ll change my mind on that. It’s still pretty raw right now. Literally waiting for the house auction to finish on Monday. I really can’t wait to see the back of my childhood home!

I suppose I'm lucky that both my parents and ILs moved from our childhood homes many years ago. Sorting stuff is bad enough without the additional memory overload.

The task of clearing my mum's house to get her moved is very overwhelming. She and my Dad have so much stuff!! It's also a real lesson because others don't value it and you can't take it with you!! When I started clearing to get the house ready for sale, I found this in my mum's things 😢!!

Ah it's a picture it won't let me add for some reason. A book called 'learn to remember' 😢

We found the house clearance company would keep to one side things like photos, documents etc whilst clearing the rest of the chaos so didn't have to worry about missing something.

It’s bad from the other side too. I have jewellery from my great grandmother and grandmother but I don’t think my DC will value it. I used to wear it on special occasions; I’m now wearing it every day, getting my “money’s worth “ out of it, and heedless of whether I’ll lose it or damage it.

Lots of other stuff, really nice china and table linens for example. I’m living really well on a day to day basis

but it makes me sad, stuff that has been treasured down the generations will be going no farther.

That’s really helpful to know, thank you

Really wish I’d known this

@Newmum738, how upsetting, I feel that one too.
My dad, an articulate and intelligent man, started losing speech early in his dementia and it still breaks my heart to remember finding the 'word a day' dictionaries etc he had been studying in the early stages of his decline 💔
I loved every version of him, even the one who couldn't quite remember my name 😢

I really don't know what to do. I'm at the end of my tether.

My mother - late eighties, very needy & dependent, imo some cognitive decline but not dementia, very physically infirm - lives with DSis, BiL & 3 adult grandchildren (ages 24 to 32).

It's been getting increasingly tense in the house. DSis has no patience - with anyone not just DM. The house is a total mess, no one does any cleaning tidying etc. When I wanted to give DM a bath I had to go buy cleaner & cloths etc to clean it. DM has urinary incontinence & a commode in her room. Day to day DM needs help with medication, brushing her hair. She washes herself, empties her own commode etc. She can make tea, a sandwich etc but couldn't make a meal. Refuses to use walking frame and has fallen a couple of times.

DSis has mentioned before she can't put up with DMs "neediness" and wants her to go to a care home.

Yesterday I went to visit DM. I'd hardly put my foot through the door when my nephew was telling me DM had to go to care home, she needs full time care. Was pretty p'ed off - she doesn't need full time care. Except for the couple of things I've mentioned she is fairly self-sufficient. Turns out she'd asked nephew to put her hair in pony tail.

Broached subject of care home with DM . She was very upset and said "I devoted my life to you all, gave up things, now no one wants me".

DM has been on the phone upset this evening. Apparently DSis had screamed at her "the sooner you die, the better".

I don't know what to say, what to do. Imo she'd be better off out of the house where she is definitely psychologically neglected and receives only basic care, but she reiterated tonight that she won't go in a care home. I live in a 1 bed, first floor flat so unless DM slept on sofa she can't come here. I totally understand that she's a difficult person, always has been, and living with her is not easy. I sometimes lose my cool with her when she's being demanding, but I would never scream "the sooner you die the better" at an elderly lady.

I'd investigate respite care and urgently reassess the whole situation. This affects everyone.

Oh @MissMarplesNiece that sounds an awful situation for your dm.
who owns the house? Does she have a care assessment? Attendance allowance? Social worker input? Sounds almost or possibly a safeguarding referral.
are thee sheltered accommodation/ extra care options near you?

Respite care a very good suggestion.

DM owns a bungalow - 3 hours drive away which I've been organising house clearance for. The situation where she's living now is complicated - brother in law's brother - in his 70s, also lives there & it's his house. I don't know what would happen if he died - presumably his children would inherit & DSis & family could be turfed out.

I have thought about sheltered accommodation- there are some reasonably close to where I live. DM would be on her own there but I could visit. I even thought about moving her back to her bungalow, tho that's horribly impractical and I wouldn't be able to "pop over" if things went wrong.

Respite care is a good idea to cool things off a bit, maybe. I don't really know how to go about finding it. I also worry because DSis is "the boss" and tho lots of things are left to me - sorting out bungalow, trying to get her hearing aid fixed (the latest problem), she also gets very annoyed if people go above her head, as it were.

@TheIoWfairy ❤️

Completely agree re respite care. Your DSis isn’t coping and honestly, a house with that many adults sounds a lot for everyone’s nerves.

Looking after an adult is very different to looking after children, who are (a) light enough to move around when they are most dependent and (b) who become more, not less dependent as time goes one.

If your mum has cognitive decline but not AD, moving to a home whilst she can still “learn” new things eg where the lounge and garden are or whatever would probably be good too, long term.

and it would be less distressing all round.

I don't underestimate the stress my sister is under. How though, do you persuade an iron willed elderly person to go into a care home?

I think you have to agree with her (partly) on this, TBH:

She was very upset and said "I devoted my life to you all, gave up things, now no one wants me".

saying (you and dsis) “we love you but it is no longer possible to live with dsis as it is too much. We need to find an alternative and a care home where we could both visit would be the best long term option”

It's just so difficult, I feel sick just thinking about it. My DSis & DM are both very volatile people, rational discussion with them is very difficult.

Is there anyone in their lives they might listen to? Church/ family friend etc?
but please consult age uk and or adult social services for support- or carers uk.

Would it help to put a time limit on it… “mum, we need to make plans for the future, as your needs increase. Can we start to look at care homes with a view to moving in 6 months?”

And respite care at one of the options, if that is possible, could be part of this

@MissMarplesNiece would your DM agree to respite care 'for a holiday' (for her and your dsis)? As pps have said this might give a much needed breathing space for you all to think everything through, and to re-assess the options. It might also allow for a proper assessment of her needs to be carried out, and to find out whether she is entitled to any financial support.

I'd look at shelterd housing options, and the cost of bringing in carers to help with bathing, medication (unless her falls risk is so great that she is unsafe to be alone for portions of the day and overnight). If her care is covered by professionals then you and dsis can visit to offer social support, although where I live it is also possible to find befriending organisations. My PILs had this through a charity, although they still had to pay, the befriender would take FIL out for a walk and coffee, and would chat to MIL and paint her nails.

A friend of mine employed a PA for a few hours a week to help her dm with paying bills, making appointments, taking her to appointments etc. She said that gave her the greatest relief of all. For her, helping with bathing, washing sheets etc was a strightforward task, but dealing with all her dm's life admin felt like a bottomless pit. And it was always a battle as her dm fought over every last ounce of control and independence.

If your DM owns her own home then the majority of any care home fees would be paid for privately. You might be horrified by how short a time the money might last.