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Elderly parents
Original poster

who to spend christmas with?

32 replies

incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 18:08

FIL died at the start of the year so it will be MIl first Christmas without him.

We haven't spent Christmas with my parents for 3 yrs due to covid. Normally we alternate years. Year before covid just so happened to be the year with the inlaws.

Ddad is rapidly declining with dementia and we fear it may be his last Christmas.

So, we are due to go to my parents but I feel horrendously guilty about mil. SIL lives abroad and won't be travelling home this year so MIL will have extended family only

OP posts:
Ricco12 · 18/12/2022 18:10

Take MIL with you.

Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 18:12

I don't think Dmum and ddad can cope with the extra person due to Ddad's dementia. He would struggling with someone he didn't know that well being in the house

The 2 sets of families live hundreds of miles apart so it isn't a case of being able to spend a few hours together

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WestendVBroadway · 18/12/2022 18:12

As above. Either take MIL with you to your folks, or you host for everyone.

Beyondshit · 18/12/2022 18:14

WestendVBroadway · 18/12/2022 18:12

As above. Either take MIL with you to your folks, or you host for everyone.

This.

Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 18:17

I can't really host as live hours away and ddad can't travel or stay away as gets extremely unsettled due to the dementia. So I can host but we're back to the dilema of not seeing my parents.

Will have to see if MIL can come to my parents

OP posts:
yellowtotebag · 18/12/2022 18:22

My dad died this year. My mum is coming to the ILs with us. It will be a bit awkward perhaps as they are very different people but that’s just how it is. I see your situation is definitely complicated by your Dad’s dementia and I’m so sorry for that Flowers but I would not have it any other way than how we are doing it. If DP had suggested my mum stayed at home on her own I would never see him in the same way.

And if it’s really not doable I would be telling DP to stay with his DM whilst you go to your parents’. I know that’s rubbish but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself otherwise!

Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 19:03

I'm going to try to get mil to come. She doesn't want to so we'll have a chat and work out what is best.

sil is coming over for Christmas next year and will want us all to spend it together so won't get to go to my parents next year either

OP posts:
Choconut · 18/12/2022 19:04

Could you go to your parents and he go to his mums?

catandcoffee · 18/12/2022 19:05

You go to your parents and he stays with his mum. Why wouldn't that work

Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 19:07

I have suggested that but he doesn't want to. He wants to be with the children. That's his choice, I can't force him.

If it was the other way round me and dsis would make sure 1 of us was with our mum each year. DHs dsis and him don't really think like that. We will be expected to spend Christmas with them next year when they come over. sil might need to realise that moving forward they have to alternate. Too many factors now the parents are older and in ill health

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Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 19:08

So whilst I'm upset and worried, it is his mum and I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to. I need to worry about my parents.

DH loves to stick his head in the sand and ignore what's happening

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 18/12/2022 19:10

I’d pick MIL because it’s her first Christmas after her husband died. Last Christmas with your dad is speculation and if he’s that far gone, he won’t realise that you’re not there.

Overthebow · 18/12/2022 19:11

could the children stay with your DH and MIL and you go to your parents?

Mrsjayy · 18/12/2022 19:12

You said she has family to go to ? I'd go to your parents I'm sure she will understand your dad's illness and how you want to spend time with him,

Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 19:14

Yes she has siblings and their children.

Hadda that is a good point. He is nearly gone so for him it probably makes no difference whether I'm there or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 19:16

I think I need DH and his dsis to step up and take more responsibility for their own mother. I'm the only one currently trying to work out a compromise and when people (dm, mil, sil, dh) just keep saying no to any suggestions it makes it impossible

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 18/12/2022 19:21

Go to your parents your mum will appreciate the company, take mil with you but stop tying yourself in knots trying to fix everything it's his mum let him sort it out, if she doesn't want to go your parents then she doesn't go.

IrishJ · 18/12/2022 19:22

Go to your parents
you Dad may not remember if you were there, but you will, and if it does turn out to be his last, you’d have to live with your choice.

if DH and SIL don’t feel guilty, why should you?!

SunshineAndFizz · 18/12/2022 19:22

Do what you can to be with your mum. FIL has his wife with him as a minimum.

MysterOfwomanY · 18/12/2022 22:10

Your DDad definitely has poor prospects and IMO that trumps the other considerations in play here. So you have to go see your Dad.

But there are a lot of variations where that happens. That's where you can be flexible.
Good luck OP.

Longwhiskers · 18/12/2022 22:23

I would go to your parents as planned. When you say your MIL will have extended family with her do you mean like her sister or nephews/nieces etc? Surely that will be ok?

Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 18/12/2022 23:28

Yes long sister neices, nephews etc. Also family friends

OP posts:
Fluffyhoglets · 18/12/2022 23:43

Stick to your plan. If mil wants you all together next year when her dd is there too then it works out well.
Mil has extended family so won't be alone.
Your mum will know next year you go to mils.

You can't be in two places at the same time!

BungleandGeorge · 18/12/2022 23:51

I would call siblings close family, not extended family. I think you’re overthinking it, MIL has family to spend the day with, she may also actually want time on her own. She doesn’t want to spend the day with your family, she’d rather go to her own. You have a good reason to spend it with your family

Original poster
incognitoflamingo · 19/12/2022 04:04

I guess you're right Bungle. I was just thinking of close family as her DS and DD but actually a sister is close.

No she doesn't want to come with us and she has had invites from lifelong family friends that she has declined. I'm just feeling awfully guilty.

Yes they'll all want us there next year when DD is home. I'm also feeling a bit peeved currently that everything to do with mil and fil has fallen to us over the past 20 years as Dsil lives abroad. DH had struggled with the strain of it all

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