Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Oh dear
I've just had someone on the phone - a recent acquaintance - who I thought had been oddly unconcerned about mum's stroke. She texted a bit but I dunno...I sensed she didn't get the potential seriousness of it.

she rang to say "sorry I haven't called before, what happened" and I think I told her too much. She seemed very shocked by it all and I thought she got off the phone quite quickly.

Her parents are early 70s and I should have said less, probably - she hasn't had to deal with any of this sort of thing.

Trying to make friends so rabbiting on about the stress of it wasn't very wise!

Just a quick message to ask if everyone has got their elderlies on the national grid priority services register so that they/ you get notified/ updated re power cuts etc.
just had an update email.
Sending gin/ supplies and cake to all.

"D"H is stomping around swearing because he has lost an important letter relating to his mum. I have lost count of the times I suggestedputting everything in a folder and keeping it somewhere safe instead of leaving it on the kitchen worktop. He tidied the kitchen ready for Christmas and "put it somewhere safe". But "somewhere safe" was shoving it somewhere random not in a folder with all the other important paperwork. If he's like this now heaven help me when he is old.
We have previously had the same with the dogs vaccination records as he is getting ready to take them to kennels and countless other times but he never learns.

Thanks for the reminder. Mum is covered by a different company, but I’ve registered with their extra care register.

Hope everyone is doing ok. I stayed away from the thread for a couple of days as I was getting anxious and it wasn’t helping. Mum is still in the assessment unit and we’re trying to do our best to move things along to get her out as she is fit to go once arrangements are in place. I’m chivvying things along as best I can, but there doesn’t seem to be a huge urgency to get her home. Apart from Mum, who is being driven round the bend by her new room mate who seems to enjoy a good moan. DB and I are wondering if her getting wound up is partially responsible for her cognitive improvement. We did use to joke that her decline was because she didn’t have anyone to bicker with since dad died, but now I wonder if we were actually closer to the truth than we realised. She was actually telling stories and laughing and joking this morning - two weeks ago she was zoned out and not responding to her name.

sandwich thank you

did anything prompt your post btw?

Hi @EmmaAgain22 it was an email from national grid just asking to confirm contact details etc. also said no power cuts are planned…. 🤔

Thanks sandwich
how are you getting along?

my sister wants to distance herself from this now. In a way I am furious, in another I don't blame her.

it's complicated because I am so isolated post lockdown and also, you can't really talk to people about this stuff.

@EmmaAgain22 and @Badger1970 and probably most of us...The tensions with siblings may be one of the worst aspects of the whole stage of life where your elders are more dependent, I think. It's miserable when it happens.

Interesting...yesterday I was in such a rage, while also being admiring that she is able to do it.

I don't want it to spoil things between us. I just can't figure out how it goes now. So when she wants to meet up, can I say, "sorry, I'm too overwhelmed" etc or is that unfair. i normally cross over with her at mum's to avoid any more getting on trains etc. Plus the pubs round mum's way are much nicer!

my sis has rung with her next date to visit mum, so actually not stepping back as much as I feared. She has said that if anything happens, she wouldn't do the 18 hours at A&E that I've done.

But atm I think mum - and anyone - would be better refusing a hospital admission unless they've broken a bone or have necrotising faciitis (sp).

i was about to post on another thread but I feel I can't cope with how upset mum gets about things. I also have anxiety but I'm medicated and accustomed to managing alone. I understand why the things are upsetting but it just feels like adding layers of upset.

I am so glad my influence has got mum away from news! That would be more annoying.

My Dad went into a nursing home yesterday, it's all been hugely upsetting and stressful. I cried for hours when i got home after 5 hours of settling him in and have about 3 hours sleep in 2 days.

My sister went today, and sent me a 3 screen whatsapp message of all the "issues" she found. And she's still griping that Dad's distressed and isn't understanding why he's not back home. I just said that she can discharge him anytime she likes, if she's offering 24/7 care for him.

I really feel for you. My Mum went into a nursing home last week & I've found it stressful even with the support of DH. Is your sister expecting you to now sort these issues or is she helping to resolve? I'm an only child so am fortunate that I don't have any siblings working against me.

Badger oh mate...big hugs.

did you find the nursing home to be okay?

when dad was on his last few months, he texted a couple of times to say he was scared. The hospital/hospice let me in any time. So I'd go and he'd forgotten he had texted and was asleep. After a few times, I rang them and they said he was fine but then he stopped texting anyway.

I know it seems awful but you kind of have to separate yourself in order to do your daily stuff. I still would sit and cry for a couple of hours though.

it sounds like you have a better balance on going, I was there pretty solidly and that was a mistake. With hindsight, I should have spent less time with him in his final months. Not a popular comment but true.

To say something cheerful
Back from delayed geriatric clinic appt with mum (originally cancelled due to snow).

We thought it would be a waste of cab money but it was really helpful.

For years, cardiology treated her like a machine that needed fixing and other issues were dealt with by GP.

Today, a geriatric doctor spent a good amount of time with her and also talked to me.

I won't bore you but I guess she got what GPs used to have time to do - a holistic and realistic view. Her persistent stomach problem was addressed and they said it's up to her but she can finally be prescribed something more likely to help - contraindicated with heart meds but they said they realise it's now a quality of life issue.

Also, the treatments and tests that have been recommended for her, they agreed there's no benefit and she is too frail for any treatments anyway.

Finally, the receptionist asked if we'd had lunch - mum had to go off with a nurse for a physical - and said she was popping out to get hers so was happy to get us something. So we even had a a sarnie while between the two sections - I wasn't bothered but mum never eats before an appointment because of IBS - which she might now find improves. And how nice that someone had the time and kindness to offer.

The place was also fully accessible...logically. But none of the other hospital bits are okay without a long walk.

I wish she had been referred years ago tbh! We have needed this since she was 75! I think the age parameters changed on geriatrics.

@Badger1970 Sympathies on the switch. On a positive, at least you know they believe he's still got some time. Also, the nursing home if you can fast forward a few days to 03/01, it will look and feel different to the one you are experiencing today. The staff will shift up a gear when more of them are back from holiday. You are not seeing it at its best. Ignore your DSis message. He is safe and being cared for. Go get that sleep

Does anyone have knowledge/experience of using any of the 'call devices' for the elderly? Seem to be like a tablet but requires minimal skill to use them? Dad is very deaf and won't use the phone, we need to find a way to communicate with him that isn't passing messages through my mum (who for whatever reason changes the message and adds a hefty dose of spite)
Along with the deafness his hands are very bad so needs to be a one touch type thing

Thank you all for your kind words.... this thread is a lifeline. I miss the cantankerous Dad who used to phone me 3 times a day saying that his phone/computer/TV/washing machine was faulty and I needed to go and sort it when he was just pressing the wrong buttons. And I never thought I'd say that EVER....!!

@EmmaAgain22 that sounds amazing, one good thing I've found about palliative care is that they give up on certain "rules" around medication and just focus on quality of life. I hope your Mum isn't too worn out by it all - or you!

Oh @Badger1970 I know how much you didn't want that to happen but I'm sure he will settle and be well looked after. Have a chat with the CH manager when you can to fill her in on DSiS and discuss his careplan.

@EmmaAgain22 I'm so glad you had a succussful appointment, it makes all the difference when you have someone who finally listens and acts on it.

DM was finally due to go back to her CH on Monday after the ward being closed for 7 days due to covid only to be told today that she is end of life and unlikely to survive the weekend. I am gutted that she will die on a busy hospital ward, that is just not what I wanted but I don't think she is aware of it. I've spent all afternoon there. She is mumbling to herself for hours, can't make anything out. She then opened her (glassy) eyes and stared at me for ages. I hope she knew it was me and recognised her voice. I am hoping she goes peacefully in her sleep.

OnthePiste were you expecting that?

big hug if you want it

Yes I was told she was approaching or at end of life last week by the consultant. She was 89 yesterday so a good age. If she hadn't fallen and broken her hip though I think she would have had a fair bit longer though, she was in fairly good health although very frail and suffering from Alzheimers.

@OnthePiste I'm so sorry. Another hug coming your way.

my mum with alzheimer's went into a care home a month ago at first it was very distressing as she kept asking to go home but within days she had forgotten about home
I have noticed a decline but not sure if that would happen anyway
they wont let her walk as they considered it unsafe falls etc as she was forgetting how to walk shuffling on the spot and or moving her zimmer frame but not her legs
She has also stopped asking for the toilet so how is doubly incontinent all the time instead of some of it
Is anyone else loved one losing their speech due to dementia mum can now not often answer you and looks blankly at you and when she does speak it is very difficult to understand her
She is on bed rest in the afternoons due to a bed sore and they turn her every hour
I struggle to see what quality of life she has
hugs to you all going through this it's really awful
with mum in a home although I visit regularly I try to switch off in between times knowing they will call if there is a problem just for my own well being really though it's difficult sometimes to do this

@orangetriangle Not easy but she is safe. Losing speech can be a gradual or a faster issue, it’s all so random. The old adage if you don’t use it, then you can lose it might apply. Tell the care home manager you’d like to have her care plan amended to include a few short sessions across the day where staff help her practice speech. Worth a go.
@OnthePiste and @Badger1970
sending hugs, it’s so hard

Just catching up with everyone. Thank you all so much for your kind words on DF passing. We have had a quiet Christmas spending a lot of time with the DC, which was much needed by all as they have been too far down the priorities for a while. Arrangements for funeral under way. FIL still in hospital but has another chest infection so needing iv antibiotics and oxygen again. Social services are pushing for us to transfer him to a care home of their choosing while we wait for the one we prefer to be ready to take him so in a way its convenient and buys us a bit more time.
Big unmumsnetty hugs to all who need them.
@OnthePiste It sounds like DFs situation was similar to your DM in that although we knew he had a terminal condition the complications caused by the infections and sepsis brought the end much sooner. He didn't make it off the admissions ward on his final hospital stay. And I was concerned about that, with staff used to a high turnover of patients etc but we could not have asked for more for him. He was in a side room with one nurse doing everything he needed. They arranged for a palliative care doctor to come down and review what they were doing. We were able to stay as long as we wanted. Everyone involved in his last admittance from the paramedics to A&E staff, the surgeon who had to explain there was nothing she could do that he would survive, to the admissions ward staff, in particular "his nurse" were the absolute best of our NHS and I will forever be grateful for the care and dignity they gave him. I hope you and your DM have a similar team in your corner.

Sending hugs to all… especially @Badger1970 and@OnthePiste in the thick of it.
and@chesterelly1

@orangetriangle My father is now bedbound, and spends his days sleeping or literally watching the clock. Most of the time he feels well fed, warm and comfortable and this is enough for him to feel content. These last few weeks he’s been happier than he has for years.