Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@thesandwich thanks, I’ll have a look for that. Sorry if this sounds a bit daft, but do you just ring them up and ask whether they have a vacancy? And can you come round and have a look?

@EmmaAgain22 Thankfully DB is staying with her this week so she’s safe but she took an alarming turn this morning and both of us now agree she can’t be left alone. She’s basically got old and very frail in body and mind. Speed of place is a priority at the moment - she has some modest savings plus the house so she’ll be self funding. I was thinking of asking the SW for help in finding respite care, and we could sell it to mum on the basis it would be temporary to start with until she got her strength and balance back. I think she’s crossed the line into not having capacity to make decisions on her health and welfare, which means I can activate the LPOA that I hold for her. Fingers crossed the SW will help with their assessment.

both DB and I live several hours away, in different directions. We’re also the squeezed sandwiches like so many on this thread. I’ve had an emotional couple of hours reading all the posts, identifying with so many situations. I can be thankful that DM is not as difficult personality wise as some of your parents, and that DB more than pulls his weight, and we both have supportive employers. But bloody hell it can be tough can’t it. Sending good thoughts to everyone here facing the final journey of their loved one.

funnel oh self funding is good.

what I found was you call them, they want proof of funds if it's expected to be permanent, I think they asked for two years proof for dad (he never made it there). They will meet the patient to see if they can meet their needs. They ask to see PoA I think.

with mum's respite - which I thought would turn permanent but it didn't - I had to pay up front.

we had a neighbour in a care home that I liked. One thing I disliked about another option for dad - when I asked if he could eat in is room, the manager kept robotically saying "well, he can if he REALLY must....but we would encourage him to eat with the others". He would have hated that, so would I. So I crossed them off the list.

so you might form an impression from what they tell you.

Thanks @EmmaAgain22 that helps. I know mum would hate forced jollity and being wheeled into a lounge to take part in social events - she can only cope with one on one conversations these days, even just me and DB in the same room is too much for her. So a place that will let her stay in her room to eat, watch the tv or listen to the radio, or take her to sit in a garden (presuming she makes it to spring/summer), would be ideal.

we just want her to be comfortable, safe and have some dignity, with whatever time she has left.

Hello all. Another loop on the rollercoaster today. DF was discharged following his sepsis and c diff recurring. He was sick in hospital whilst we waited for his meds but the nurse put it down to his water being too cold. Anyhow he managed 3 hrs at home before we were calling an ambulance. Currently sat in a&e waiting for him to get ct scan. His stomach is very swollen and sore. More d&v. He's had morphine, blood pressure back through floor. DH and I had literally just had a conversation about how long before he'd be back in. I said before Christmas. Guess I won then.

Oh NO chesterelly. I hope by now he's moved to a ward or at least had the scan.

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. Sorry for being MIA for a couple of days but as a music teacher/musician, this is a very busy time. I will take some time to read and reflect on the good advice you gave.

Sorry to those really struggling.

they want proof of funds if it's expected to be permanent Ours didn’t. I presume it’s because they also take LA funded residents so even if the money ran out they’d still be paid by someone.

When you’re looking at homes, staffing is more important than facilities- they make less and less use of facilities as time goes on. Ask about staff turnover, see if the staff are happy, how accessible and hands on is the manager? How do staff interact with residents?

Look online for the CQT assessments.

The choice of homes was easy because I live in a village and "how's your mum?" was a conversational opening. As well as listening to what people tell you, listen to what's not being said. The lady in the co-op might say how good the food was in home A, that their neighbour's daughter had worked there for ten years and said (whatever)

I heard all the stories about home A but it took a while to register that no-one was talking about home B.

Best wishes to all of you who are moving mountains at the moment.

Eating alone at meal times isn’t something I’d have chosen for my DM. It’s still possible to have a table for one but be around others. That being said DMiL’s carehome posted 74 photos the other day of a lively entertainment event and she wasn’t in any of them. No surprises there.

Sorry, to be clear - they asked for two years proof of funds for what the doctors said would be a permanent place for dad, but you could see "permanent" wouldn't exceed two years. I am not sure how they factored in "if the LA get involved".

re eating alone - I wouldn't want the noise of others even if I could have a table to myself. I'm imagining the homes' main issue is staffing though - easier to have everyone in one place to serve food?

that said, dad wouldn't have eaten alone any night, between mum and me, I imagine one of us would be there evening, barring us getting ill. I'd have had to remove him if he'd lived to see lockdown (praise be that he didn't see that). Gave me nightmares thinking about that too.

mum's respite stay, I think there was one night she ate alone because me or sis, or a friend of hers, were there the other nights

she did go to a live entertainment event though, she liked that.

Knot you say "listen to what's not being said". I wonder what you're thinking of?

@funnelfan hope others have answered your questions, in case not, you can just call in, or make an appt if they have vacancies. The local authority may be aware of vacancies- adult social care team. but look behind the brochure- see how many times the cinema/ coffee area etc is in use. Look at the activities/ menus.
@EmmaAgain22 I know when speaking to professionals ( gp/ social workers vicars etc…. ) They often won’t tell you which ones explicitly to avoid but direct you to which ones they’d look at….. a good question to ask was if you were looking for a place for your parent/ granny / aunt which ones would you look at?

@EmmaAgain22 everyone was telling me about one home, relatives who had been there, friends who had relatives who lived there or worked there. The other home - silence. No-one had a bad word to say about but no-one was saying anything at all about it. Mum had a spell in both, the one recommended by all was good, the other was less than impressive (I'm not at all surprised that it was last assessed as "requires improvement")

Thanks all. The SW visit today was instructive and she was lovely and helpful.

in parallel, we spoke to her GP today as mum had another funny turn in the night and DB had to pick her up from the toilet floor and carry her back to bed. He referred us to hospital for tests, short version is that medically she seems ok but she’s being admitted for one night to get proper assessment of some neurology symptoms and for the older care team to see her.

Both the SW and the wonderful doctor at the hospital have given her a gentle talking to about her needing to accept more help and reconsideration of where she lives.

It seems we’re finally entering “the system”, which no doubt brings its own challenges but it means we’re not flailing around trying to work things out on our own. I’m feeling less overwhelmed already.

funnel glad you got some help. Two of mum's falls have been night time loo trips. It worries me, I wouldn't be able to get her up again.

It is a worry isn’t it. When dad was with us, he would fall (he was wobbly due to stroke) and mum would either have to wake a neighbour or call an ambulance. The paramedics would pick him up, check him over and put him back to bed.

Did she call the ambulance to pick him up or because he'd hit his head?

I do know a couple of neighbours we can call but I'd be reluctant to do it. I suppose if it happens, there's no choice. She uses a zimmer now for night time loo trips but the last fall was a stroke so a zimmer wouldn't stop it.

how old is your mum, if you don't mind me asking?

@EmmaAgain22 she called them out simply because he’d fallen and couldn’t move him, even though he wasn’t a big man he was a dead weight when he fell. The emergency services always said that it was exactly the right thing to do. I got the impression that they didn’t mind those kind of calls at all because they were simple, and mum would insist on making them a cuppa and offering them all the biscuits in the house. Dad hated it because he was always afraid they’d insist on taking him to hospital, but the only time they did was when he was clearly having another stroke. This was five years ago now so I’ve no idea if the policies are still the same.

Mum is in her early 80s.

funnel sounds similar to my mum in terms of age and frailty.

Sadly I think things have changed a lot in 5 years. People are having terrifyingly long waits for falls. The reason mum got an ambulance quickly was because she hit her head, passed out and is on blood thinners.

I worry about her falling again but I suppose if she falls and is okay, then it's just the figuring out how to get her up again.

Jeez. I can't bear the thought of losing my mum but there's a mercy in not having a long decline.

I think it depends on how much strength your mum has, but there are techniques out there for helping to get fallen people back up. One involves bringing a chair to them and they get themselves round in stages using the chair to get themselves to kneeling.

Long decline vs short sharp illness v all the messy alternatives in the middle. I think it all boils down to: Mortality eh, who designed this and thought it was a good idea?

I suppose if she falls and is okay, then it's just the figuring out how to get her up again. I think the basic thing is you don’t get her up, she has to get herself up. Basically encourage her on to hands and knees. Bring a chair in front of her, hold it firm for her as she puts her arms on it pushes herself up. Have another chair behind her to sit down. Don’t rush the process.

if she can’t get herself up, you’ll need two trained people. Don’t risk back damage by trying it on your own.

When my mum fell in her tiny ensuit toilet (mobile home) the paramedics had to drag her out but they said that if she had been at a slightly different angle they would have had to take the wall down.

Thanks for the tips on helping someone up

funnel I'm hoping to go the old fashioned way with a massive heart attack or something!

Our local Council has a "lifeline" service. The elder wears a pendant and if they fall they press it and the lifeline team will come and pick them up. Dad used it loads and they were very, very good and rapid.

DF passed away this morning. He kept saying he wanted to live and he gave it a bloody good try. 2 different cancers, numerous blood transfusions, 3 hospital stays, chemo, C diff, sepsis all since August. I am glad we are both off this rollercoaster.