Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

989 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/09/2022 19:58

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
BestIsWest · 30/11/2022 19:25

The other thing is that my DF had paid up front for his funeral with a different undertaker than the one I called to collect his body.. He had mentioned it to me but I always brushed it aside, not wanting to talk about it. If I’d listened properly I’d have known who to call on the day. As it was I spent the day after he died getting the undertakers to speak to each other and sort it out. I can laugh about it now
So it’s worth having these conversations if, unlike me, you listen).

Badger1970 · 30/11/2022 20:23

I'm scared that Dad is past these decisions, but I must make the effort to talk to him about it.

EmmaAgain22 · 30/11/2022 20:29

I wouldn't want to raise it with mum.

if someone dies "unexpectedly" I thought you had to call the police and they would get the deceased taken to the mortuary.

changeling2022 · 30/11/2022 21:02

Yes if someone dies unexpectedly it causes complications. When mum was getting near the end the district nurse told me to get a home visit from the GP so they had seen her. I rang the surgery and said I thought she was near the end and the GP came out straight away. Said it would simplify the admin.

Badger1970 · 30/11/2022 21:22

Funnily enough, the palliative care nurse was very insistent that the GP came to see Dad this week. I hadn't remembered the part about seeing a Doctor within 2 weeks.

BestIsWest · 30/11/2022 21:55

We were lucky that DF had seen the GP less than 48 hours earlier but we still had a visit from the police and I had to speak to the Coroner. It was during the pandemic so that was over the phone. I had absolutely no idea about any of this - when you are in a state of shock as well, it is a lot to deal with.

It’s made me think we should talk much more freely about death.

PermanentTemporary · 30/11/2022 22:41

I wonder if anyone has experience of having a funeral at a place far from the death?

My mum is in a specialist care centre in a county where she knows nobody. We will want a funeral much nearer one of us. I assume an undertaker can transport her a fair distance if necessary?

A direct cremation wouldn't be mum's style at all, she liked a formal funeral with everyone in black and ideally a burial.

Knotaknitter · 30/11/2022 23:11

I had a sudden death at home and had to attempt to think of an undertaker's name at 2am. My mind was a blank, I couldn't have done it if my own life had depended on it. One of the paramedics suggested a couple of names at which point I remembered that there were two undertakers in the village.

When mum died in hospital I called the donation number at the teaching hospital, they sorted everything out with the hospital where mum was and all I did was sign the paperwork that was sent me. I've recently bought a plot at a local woodland burial site and had the placques made for the interment of my father's and husband's ashes, mum will be going there sometime next summer and the last space is for me. I'm an only child, I've told my son he can do whatever he wants and if anyone asks he can tell them that was what I specified.

exexpat · 30/11/2022 23:22

Permanent - yes, undertakers can transport the bodies long distances, they do it all the time. Several members of my family have been buried in the same small village churchyard over the past few years, all needed to be transported between 80 and 200 miles to get there. DH was flown 6,000 miles back to the UK for his funeral.

Many undertakers are now part of nationwide franchises/chains so arrange for a linked firm to handle arrangements at each end. If you want the funeral to be held near you, you might want to make advance enquiries with a few of your local undertakers to see which might have a branch or associate firm near your mum's care home, so you have the number for who to call when the day comes.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 01/12/2022 10:20

So is it wise to have the number of an undertaker handy? Probably advisable to get quotes from a couple, then keep the number of the one you prefer.

Care home visiting: once someone is well established with dementia, the main reason for visiting is to check that they’re being looked after OK and to keep alive with care staff the memory of the person they once were. The person with dementia will lose track of time and not know whether your last visit was yesterday or 6months ago. So do what you can,don’t drive yourself into the ground

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 01/12/2022 13:45

Thank you for the undertakers advice.

Having had an awful experience with the undertaker who buried my late dh, after my dad died I rang 3 of them and went with the one who seemed to get what we wanted and who was easiest to talk to. I'd thoroughly recommend this approach. Incidentally he was also the cheapest but that wasn't the main focus for us.

MissMarplesNiece · 01/12/2022 14:23

It's definitely a good idea to have a funeral directors name & number ready. I was at a bit of a loss when step father died. We ended up having him cremated in the biggest town nearest where him & DM lived, even tho DM wanted him cremated in Bham. Funeral Director was very unwilling to transport body back to where all the family (except DM &SF) lived, but it was in lockdown things were difficult because of that. We had to have one of those services that you watch over Internet. My sister's family & me & DH were in same bubble so we got together to watch & have a funeral tea afterwards.

Funeral director also put us in touch with someone who would conduct funeral & he helped me a lot with the service. SF was non-religious but DM wanted SF to have a religious service. It was difficult because no one really knew what he'd want regarding burial/cremation/hymns/prayers etc. I know I won't be there but I'm making my wishes very clear (I'm pagan) & I don't want anyone else's ideas of what is good taste/what's right/whats going to get me to heaven, imposed on me. We really don't talk about death enough and it leaves people unsure what to do.

I'm not sure where I stand on direct cremation. My DF chose that. He was atheist & very practical. No ceremony, no memorial, there was nothing. I feel I never got the chance to mourn, to be with others to celebrate his life. It seemed unfinished, somehow. Almost like his life didn't matter.

EmmaAgain22 · 01/12/2022 18:07

Thank you all for advice re undertakers

A strange thing to add to my to do list!

Physio saw mum today, said she is in good nick for her age but can see effect of stroke.

effectively told me not to be over protective. So we've now had a private carer and private physio tell me that, I will take it on board.

one thing my sister did agree with is that we need more domestic help but I suspect mum will try and manage with just us, which is annoying.

EmmaAgain22 · 01/12/2022 18:10

I often think that services paid for by public sector are things that we aren't likely to need...then there's big gaps like, a national office co-ordinating a mortuary type arrangement would be good.

when dad died, in a hospice, the mortuary had him for a time while we sorted out the funeral. It would be helpful if that was a thing for all deaths.

I don't know what happens if there's a post mortem and I've known three incidents where those were ordered and were totally unnecessary, but I'm hoping that trend - and there was definitely a period of it - has passed now.

Mum5net · 03/12/2022 00:10

So our direct cremation went brilliantly. We were able to specify the crematorium DM attended which happens to be adjacent to the park I walk DDog every morning. My DSis, DH, DDog and I were there to see DM arrive in a hearse and then her team of 3 undertakers transfer her to a trolley. DSis walked forward and put a single rose on DM and then DM was taken inside. We said farewell and walked home through the park. At the bridge over the river a kingfisher appeared close by. It pulled a fish from the river, ate it and flew off.

EmmaAgain22 · 03/12/2022 01:40

Mum5net
May she rest in peace.

how are you feeling?

It can be strange when someone goes and the world spins madly on.

Mum5net · 03/12/2022 08:57

Actually no spinning fortunately. I’ve posted detail about direct because I think it’s such an unknown option and that for many- not all- it’s the route to be aware about.
My DSis and I had been dreading this week for years. But it wasn’t nearly as bad.
Hope all is going reasonably for everyone especially @EmmaAgain22

EmmaAgain22 · 03/12/2022 13:45

Glad it wasn't so bad Mum5net

Mum is much better. I just hope it lasts till the end this time.

MissMarplesNiece · 03/12/2022 14:30

DM is in hospital. She woke DSis at middle of night on Thurs saying she'd got pains in her chest, couldn't breath, pain in left arm. Paramedics came straight away. DSis followed ambulance & by the time she'd parked & found her way to resus all the pains were gone, Sat's normal, ecg fine. They've admitted DM anyway because they want to get to bottom of what it was.

DS suspects a panic attack. I agree. I've had the respiratory bug that's going round & it also gave me horrible vomiting too, so I've not visited her for a week.
DM gets very agitated when get ill & don't go & see her. I'm sure it's related to that.

She works herself up into a silly state. I don't know what I can do about it - if I'm ill she has anxiety attacks & sits around crying & I really think this time it's culminated in a full blown panic attack. I have to pretend not to be ill, which is a ridiculous situation to be in.

EmmaAgain22 · 03/12/2022 15:47

MissM oh lordy. Does your sis live with your mum?

I hope you feel better asap.

Badger1970 · 03/12/2022 18:50

@Mum5net that sounds a lovely farewell for your DM. I'm heading that way for my Dad if my sister agrees.

My Dad went into a hospice today. I got a phone call at 7am to say a bed was available. I'm hoping they will keep him there, as he's so frail but I'm equally worried they're going to suggest a nursing home. The Palliative care team did say weeks left... so I'm hoping that they will be able to keep him there. Fingers crossed he's settled this evening - I spent nearly 6 hours there settling him and filling in paperwork until they booted me out and said they're in control and to go home now and rest.

I cried all the way home just because he's safe and it's an overwhelming feeling after weeks of worry.

EmmaAgain22 · 03/12/2022 18:56

Oh Badger big hugs if you want them.

How is he at present?

thesandwich · 03/12/2022 19:14

@Badger1970 sending more hugs and gin

Tupperwarelid · 03/12/2022 19:19

@Badger1970 sending a hug and best wishes for you all x

Badger1970 · 03/12/2022 19:46

Thank you all.

He's very confused and agitated as his liver is failing and the toxins are flooding his blood stream. It's all just completely shit really, but the hospice bed is such a gift. I don't think I've ever been more grateful for anything in my life.