Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Badger yes, I remember the relief when dad got a hospice bed.

in the hospital, I had to ask for dad to be given a sedative but hopefully the hospice will be better about that kind of thing?

Badger I totally get that feeling.
Thought DF had got over his C Diff remarkably well and his scans showed mid way through chemo were good news. However in last couple of days he has been having dizzy spells and another fall. GP checked blood pressure which was through floor and because DF said there and then that he would not entertain any suggestion of hospital, arranged a blood transfusion as a day patient on Monday. However this morning when I popped in he had been up all night with d&v so through his cancer helpline it was arranged for him to be admitted. He has been diagnosed with sepsis and is currently being transferred to High Dependency. He's getting blood, fluids, antibiotics and they've had to insert a catheter as he couldn't pass urine. I'm just waiting to get called through to say goodnight and I'm going to leave him in their safe hands.
The day he came out of hospital last time FIL was admitted with an infection, exacerbating the pulmonary fibrosis. He has no drive to get better and despite working with physios and occupational health has admitted to DH that even with carers he won't feel safe and doesn't want to be in his own flat, even if nearer us. We've been able to pull out of the flat purchase and DH is currently touring nursing homes near us. Hospital have been a bit arsey about liaison with social care in our region instead of where they are and where FIL currently lives. But he finally has a social worker and there's a meeting set up for next week.
Sorry I don't post often but when I do it's an essay. In the meantime I'm reading all the updates from my fellow cockroaches and sending you strength. The knowledge gained here has been invaluable

Yes Dad is on a mild sedative and I'm hoping that the hospice will increase this. They wanted Dad to settle over the weekend before medication reviews as they want him to be relaxed.

@Badger1970 you must be exhausted, sending love Xxx

@Badger1970 and @chesterelly1 hope you both get a long lie knowing they are safe.

chester is your DF living alone? So worrying when they refuse to go to hospital - though in mum's defence, she's done that twice and been fine. Probably recovered better and faster than if she'd gone to hospital.

Badger glad they have started him on a sedative.

Yes DF lives alone, two storey house, no adaptations or aids. He's still in HDU but managed to phone me to ask for a newspaper. Of course when I got there he's in no fit state to sit up and read it. At least I did what I was told and I sat and read the headlines out and showed him a couple of photos that I knew would interest him. It sounds like a doctor attempted to have the DNR chat with him. He was most indignant because he just wants to live. I know from others on here what he really means is he wants to live the life he had 5 years ago, no thought to what his life would be now.
Meanwhile FIL has moved to smaller community hospital while we wait for place in care home. He seems totally at peace with the concept of DNR. DH says he is institutionalised already, no spark or desire to do anything other than sit and let everyone do for him.
There's a whole vast middle ground and neither of them are venturing there.

chester how old is your dad if you don't mind me asking?
my dad clung to life like you wouldn't believe...but that was after agreeing to a DNR.

I haven't got many friends but one of them is very much minimising what's been going on with mum. I don't bang on about it, but this is the first time, when mum's had an issue, that my friend isn't asking after her. It's also by far the most serious incident there's been with mum, so it just surprised me a bit.

Perhaps it's part of the "everyone has enough to cope with" thing.

Weird question to post here but just in case...

Mum has had a good offer to buy her car. She doesn't feel able to do paperwork though.

Do I just literally fill in the green bit of the log book and am I allowed to sign it? She can sign it, I guess. I'm at my place at the moment so don't know what the paperwork looks like.

Also, I gather we have to let DVLA know in order to get the tax back, but she doesn't do anything online. Does anyone know if it's all right for me to do that for her or will it start the nightmare of sending in proof of PofA?

Thanks.

My mum gave me her car when she made the very wise decision to stop driving. I found it much easier than I anticipated; I was going to do the filling in the log book slip of paper thing and then send it to DVLA but then discovered I could do it online and that was very very straightforward. I explained to her what I was doing and she was happy with that, no PoA or signature needed. I also phoned the insurance company but got her to tell them I had permission to deal with them, they got a good amount back as refund for months not used which pleased my dad (they were paying 4x what I subsequently paid for insurance!).

You just need details of the buyer to fill in the relevant bits online. I seem to remember there was a reference number on the V5C/log book to put on the online form. Sorry I'm a bit vague, it's all rather hazy in my mind, I was dealing with a few things at the time and this was one of the easier tasks!

Good luck 😀

Thanks Cockroach that is helpful.

Just a quick update from me. My DF's new home visited today and said they will be able to care with him. He is moving in next Tuesday. DM is upset at the moment but I hope she will see it's for the best in time. I feel relieved. I'm going with her to help move him in next week.

Feeling judged by the nursing home, I suppose because I feel guilty. I booked in to spend Christmas Eve with DM and got 'are you coming alone?' 'Are you booking in any other visits at Christmas?'

Almost wanting to write to them and list all the reasons why it's just me visiting for just one day. But that won't change their views one bit. I know the guilt is because I don't think it's enough either. But it will have to do.

Oh @PermanentTemporary sending a big hug. 🌺🌺

@PermanentTemporary that sounds tough but perhaps they need to know who is visiting and for how long so that they can fit everyone in.

@PermanentTemporary DM will be surrounded by people.. Goodness knows what that staff member was thinking. You don’t have to explain yourself.

Tupperware oh that's good.

Permanent I bet it's an admin thing. I do hate the way xmas is made into such a big deal. Do you normally have to book in visits?

@EmmaAgain22 yes I always book in, it's a Covid thing that seems to still exist. Once I forgot and just rang on the way there and they were like 'oh we didn't know you were coming' and seemed a bit thrown, so I still do it. They never normally make any comment which is what stood out (and the tone of voice).

@Tupperwarelid I hope it goes well next week and that your dm gets into a routine with him quickly. It can be such a relief all round.

@PermanentTemporary I bet it's because it's the one time of year they are overrun with visitors, many of whom only come once a year, and they are worried about managing the crowd. I'll confess now that DH and his youngest DB deci to put a "suggestion" on the family WhatsApp group that everyone puts on there when they are visiting MIL over Christmas so she doesn't get all visits at once purely to see if muddle brother bothers at all.

They never normally make any comment which is what stood out (and the tone of voice). Everyone wants to come at Christmas, even people who haven’t set foot in the place since last Christmas, and they’ll be doing Christmas activities of their own. Do have a think about how much of your perception of tone of voice was your own, unjustified, sense of guilt.

But they shouldn’t still be booking visits. You should be able to arrive when you want, and without notice, to ensure for yourself care is what it should be, and the residents will miss out on visits if they can’t have the casual “just passing so I thought I’d drop in” visits

Haha muddle brother was a very appropriate typo😅

I'm relieved to see the replies to Permanent's post about booking. MIL isn't likely to have made the move to a nursing home from hospital before Christmas, but one of her constant themes is that people aren't visiting enough, and only show up at 'inconvenient' times, ie evenings and weekends. Every day. Again, it's the guilt. She probably wouldn't remember if anyone did call in on a weekday morning. Why am I saying probably? She doesn't remember she literally poured away a cup of tea 90 seconds ago now that she wants another one.
FIL would like to be able to just pop in to a local nursing home as and when, to get it out of the way in the morning, I suspect. But he wouldn't cope with the stress of having to ring up and book it every time.

Permanent I think that's dreadful that you still have to book. I can't fathom what their excuse for that might be?

Mum's home says you don't have to book but some of the nurses are a little less "welcoming" than others! I always phone before visiting because they do have things going on like the hairdresser and the podiatrist so I like to be sure she is ok for a visit - even though the visit is the same time every single week!

She has been there for over a year now and I have never had a problem getting to see her. My cousin likes to visit so we go after she finishes work on Friday lunch time. While she has been poorly my friend has been taking me and mum has loved seeing her. She had offered to take me again on mum's birthday which was very kind. Then yesterday we realised we had the wrong day - she had kept the Sunday free but the birthday is Monday - and cousin is in work. I asked on FB if there was anyone who could take me and in minutes two people had jumped in to offer me a lift.

I am so overwhelming grateful! That someone would take a couple of hours out of their day a week before Christmas to sit and talk to mum who probably won't even know who either of them would be. The home makes a big fuss of birthdays with banners and cake so if I really want to see her "on the day" - and who knows how many birthdays she will have left.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I would imagine you would do the same for others if you could. Glad you won’t miss out.