Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

we have just reluctantly put mum in a home and at last the pressure is off us and she is safe and well cared for staff there seem lovely fingers crossed it works out for youx its so stressful

Thank you everyone.

@Tupperwarelid everything crossed for you too.

@Mum5net thank you for asking and how kind of you to think of me when you have such a tough time going on. My DM finds her new house very unsatisfactory, there is so much wrong with it and somehow this is my fault. When she dropped her bombshell, I insisted on a survery which revealed loads of issues but she was very angry with me when I suggested she negotiate a reduction in price. She now regularly complains about the amount of money she is 'wasting' getting various things fixed. She still owns the flat she moved from and 'hasn't decided' what she's doing with it. I've recommended she sell it but she won't engage in this discussion. Adult DD and I think she is intending on becoming a landlady at nearly 90 but I'm just not getting involved.

@orangetriangle it is a huge relief when you know they are safe &@Tupperwarelid yes, fingers crossed, for a little bit of luck.

@Fantasea You deserve a medal. Hope Goldentits is fielding the phone calls.
Direct cremation booked for Friday

It's going to take me a while to work out who everyone is - intrigued by Goldentits!

Direct cremation sounds like a good plan.

I've been looking at Direct Cremation as an option for my Dad when the time comes - Dad hasn't mentioned what he wants to happen, but he was very hermit like and didn't see/hear from his family so I'm buggered if I'm paying £4k for a crem service for them to shed their crocodile tears (long story).

Do you still need to use an undertaker though? What happens if someone dies at home? Sorry if this is insensitive.... but it has been keeping me awake at night.

@Badger1970 not insensitive. These are the discussions to have. If you look up the websites, undertakers now post prices and give a breakdown of services they will deliver. There truly is a lot of merit in some situations for the no-frills version. The undertaker company will pick up the body, from home or hospital, attend to it appropriately but won't give an option to see your DF again. I popped in yesterday with an outfit and signed papers. They take a 'spare' spot at a local crematorium, normally before 09.00, where no-one can attend. The funeral people I've chosen were recommended to me and they have been superb so far. DM will be transported in private ambulance and I know she's arriving at 08.40 am. She is being returned to us in a scatter tube. DM's invoice was £810 and we paid it in advance. We will have a party in Dec for her observing all her favourite traditions and quirks. For our family it is the best route. My DSis has specified already that this is the route she wants.

It’s not insensitive at all @Badger1970. I think it’s wise to think of these things and be prepared.
When DF died of a heart attack at home, the paramedics attended but of course they won’t take a dead body. I had to ring an undertaker to collect him. He died on the floor of the living room so could hardly be left there. It was all very traumatic and we were reeling from the shock and suddenness of his death. They came very quickly. Of course it fell to me to contact the undertaker and I’d never done anything like that so found it completely overwhelming.

Best oh, how dreadful, I am sorry you had that experience.

This is something I should look at - I thought the police or ambulance would organise a mortuary van.

In short, dad passed away sept and mum was in a care home for respite in the hope dad would join her. He did, for 3 weeks where he spoke about not being able to go home, how mum was impossible to deal with and how weary he was. He had a massive stroke and passed away leaving mum confused and very unhappy in the care home.
She is a nightmare to visit as she cries and says she feels abandoned. Nobody asks he what she wants etc. She’s no money etc
Shes awaiting an appointment at the memory clinic though the staff are in no doubt she has Alzheimer’s. She often calls me mum and says I ought to look after her as she’s my daughter.
I saw her on Sunday and she was so cruel I walked out in tears.
She’s phoned me twice since then, on the care home phone and they connect us and I really dont want her calling and upsetting me like this.
I have a sibling but the staff say I’m the one who gets the grief.
Should I look for another setting? She’s over an hour away from where I live so I can’t pop in for a short visit. I dont want to move her closer to me as that really would mean I’m the one who does everything.
Any advice welcome. X

Oh gosh @Borntobeamum that sounds difficult. I don’t have any advice for you but there is some real expertise on this thread.

Just a few quick observations, if she has no money but the social work team has found her a bed, that is a blessing as resources are scarce.

If she is nasty to you please consider visiting her much less often. She is safe and being looked after.
Also consider if she would be happy any where? Sadly, illness can leave some people particularly challenging.
Really difficult, I’m sorry.

I can't say I'm an expert but I agree with this
A friend had a mum with Alzheimers and she was miles away so my friend only visited once every six weeks. It was enough, apparently.

@Badger1970 We (the children and I) are thinking of an unattended funeral for DM when the time comes followed by a party. She has always hated funerals - I can count on one hand the number she has attended. She didn't go to her parents', her sisters' or my dad's. I am sure she would prefer it. However my uncle - her younger brother - might not be happy with that. I know it is not up to him but I really would not want to upset him. They are very close - he was fantastic when my dad was dying - and I would hate to make a decision that made him unhappy. But that is a conversation I will have to have with him nearer the time.

@Borntobeamum I echo what @Mum5net says. My mum also feels she has been dumped and has been desperately unhappy during her time in the home - just over a year. But I have to remember that she was exactly the same at home. She resented anything I did that wasn't with her - she wanted me to be by her side from the moment she got to the moment she went to bed - and if I took a phone call while I was with her she would cry about how lonely she was. I could not make her happy. As it is now I visit her once a week and we have good visits and bad visits. On a good week she talks about the gang she has joined who have formed a craft club (the activities lady does a lot of crafts), on a bad week she wants us to take her home there and then. We just repeat that there is a fuel crisis and she needs to stay where she is for now because the weather is getting worse and there are power cuts coming. Then we move on to how nice and warm she is in the home.

I still feel from time to time I have let her and dad down but I had no alternative. She's warm, safe, clean and fed. And I have my life back.

I thought that the older family members would make a stink about the lack of a funeral for mum (she left her body to the teaching hospital) but I was pleasantly surprised. Firstly because she'd discussed it with them at the time she set it up and told them that there would be no service and secondly they were all struggling with health problems and sounded relieved not to have to turn out in the winter.

@Badger1970 I organised a direct cremation for mum this year. It cost £1600. The local undertaker sorted it all. Collected her from her home when she died and returned her ashes to us. Very straightforward. We had a lunch in her honour a few weeks after which was lovely. I've still got her ashes here. No idea what to do,with them

Mum had been seen by her GP the day she died so no need for a post mortem. I rang 111 and they sent a doctor to certify her death (long wait for that but it was night time. The undertakers came half an hour after the doctor left. They are on standby 24/7 and were very nice

Echoing others, @Borntobeamum , when I say that MIL isn't happy anywhere. Not at home, not in hospital, and very likely not in the care home she'll probably have to move into. SIL is still breaking her heart trying to please her mum every weekend, and by the time it's DH's turn to do the weekday visiting again, she's forgotten her DD was ever there and complains she hasn't bothered to see her for months. MIL is really quite angry that her family aren't in hospital all day with her, and isn't shy about letting us know how crap we all are. The hospital is an hour away from us, and more like 2 hours from SIL, and someone goes to see her every day. I've been thinking for months that it's too much, mentally, physically and emotionally, and the benefits to MIL seem to me to me to be diminishing rapidly.

But that makes me sound like the callous DIL. So I don't push it.

Thank you all for your input.
This really is making me ill.
I feel as if I’m grieving the loss of my mum more than my dad, and yet she’s still here.
😢

my mum is in a home now been there about 3 weeks we have awful visits and slightly better visits sometimes she cries and calls out but she did that at home. They say she does it more in the afternoons when she is tired. At the end of the day we feel she needs to be where she is warm cared for and safe. Nothing phases them at the home they have seen it all before she has had no falls since being there and everything is dealt with. When she was at home with carers coming in it was a constant worry to be honest
At the home they get her up and dressed and take her down to the lounge for the saying her wheelchair and she sits in there in a comfy chair and they keep a constant eye on her. There are various activities going on which I'm not sure she fully understands but she joins in as they have shown us pictures of her doing flower arranging having her nails painted etc
It does make me feel guilty when she asks to go home but at her stage of dementia it simply isnt safe for her to be at home she needs 24 hour care

So is it wise to have the number of an undertaker handy?

I am so sorry people are struggling so much with parents in homes.

I met the carer/home help today, the one mum and sis don't like. I thought she was fine but she clearly isn't keen on doing the home help side of things.

Her assessment of mum is that she doesn't need a carer. Touch wood, mum does seem to be recovering and improving daily. It's interesting to get an outside view as the carer said to me "I can tell you, people who need care do not get out of bed with that level of energy and vigour".

I guess I'm comparing mum to how she was before she fell.

She is still getting her words in a muddle, presumably an effect of stroke. She is needing the zimmer but again, it might be that I'm just a bit shocked seeing mum like that and people are living independently like this all the time?

@EmmaAgain22 when my dad was dying my uncle told me that he would deal with everything (he is a retired church minister and alongside that was the superintendent of the crematorium for many years). I rang him and told him dad had died and he called the undertaker and brought him to the house to go through everything we needed to do.

Thanks everyone, that has made me feel loads better. This thread is invaluable.

There are so many questions and it can be hard asking others.

@Borntobeamum you've had some wise advice. Chances are that your DM is going to be unsettled wherever she is. I used to work in a care home, and there are phases in early dementia that are really challenging but she will settle as her illness progresses. And she's probably very confused wondering where your Dad is. The main thing is that she's safe, in the hands of experienced care staff and you can sleep at night. Add that all up and it's a good score.

Dad died a year ago. I'm revisiting the whole episode. It's a year distant so I'm gaining perspective. The undertaker was wonderful, the funeral was completely what my DM wanted. I was upset at the time because it didn't seem to fit with my expectations of DF, more about DM - but he usually did what she wanted so, in these circumstances maybe that's the answer!

Mum was always up front about death and arrangements etc. So when the palliative care nurse was sent to see her, I emailed three undertakers and asked for direct burial quotes, and checked out potential burial sites. She was all about lists and organising so I thought she would be proud of me (!).

Good job I did as she died suddenly a few days earlier than expected.

It was late in the year and most of her friends were equally elderly; the prospect of someone's gran slipping at the graveside or getting hypothermia did not entice me.

So we had a no-service burial with only very close family there observing - and a memorial event, inside, in the warm, in a local venue with comfortable seats and catering, a week later. Not stuck in a cold crem hall for half an hour with people looking daggers if you run over.

Would definitely recommend.