Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@MissMarplesNiece I feel every word you posted. My mum always said that she could never be a carer. She could never have cared for an elderly relative in the way my aunt cared for my grandparents/great aunt. Yet she never saw herself as needing care. The things she asked me to do (can you reach into my knickers and stick that pad in for me please?) were just "what any daughter would do for a mum"!

Covid meant I didn't have to take her out for lunch every Saturday. I was happy to give up going out myself (my husband was the only one who left home through lockdown) because it meant I didn't have to get her to the toilet, dressed, into the wheel chair and out and the same again when we got home .

Mum could never understand why I was exhausted after a day out! Of course she had far more energy when she was my age! She wasn't caring for a large family or an elderly mother!

My mum would not be content being housebound. She gets very stroppy or cries if there is a time I say I don't want to go out. For example last week I had my own hospital appointment so never got to my sister's until 4pm. She wanted to go shopping & when I said it was a bit late & the traffic was now heavy, she had a strop & accused me of sitting around till it was too late to go.

Much sympathy to all here especially@EmmaAgain22 and @MissMarplesNiece who seem really in the thick of it all.
completely understand the dilemmas about thinking this could be only for a few days/ weeks/ months they haven’t got long etc…. My dm still going at 97 so 15 plus years of increasing care……. And it’s only me getting the big C that has created a bit of a shift… certainly in my mind.
Boundaries- get as much help in whether they like it or not.
@MissMarplesNiece does your dm have attendance allowance? Can you find someone else to take her out? You deserve happiness as much as your dm and you risk ruining your health. Are there any local lunch clubs/ groups? Check with the local authority website/ age uk/ carers groups etc.

MissMarple Oh dear, I want to give you a big hug - not that it would be of use.

In case it helps, I flatly refuse to go away with mum. I used to go away with both mum and dad for a maximum of a long weekend, when they were both well. After dad died, some family stuff came up in another part of the country and sis and I told mum straight that we didn't feel able to take her on a train. I have a couple of old injuries so my sister would be far too pressured.

She doesn't mind being away with me because I know my limits. But mum has crazy ideas of her own abilities so we just say no. Would you consider being blunt and just saying that?

Also, the bags of grapes - mum wouldn't ask for that but I'd just say no. It's never too late to set boundaries. I tend to think, we can have one miserable person, or two. The elderly parent is not usually satisfied with any sacrifice so might as well just have one miserable person!

mum's been home from the care home two days and I ran out of spoons after doing her breakfast this morning. I have to make that weird decision, which uses more spoons....but her recovery is up and down so she may not need a carer.

thesandwich thank you. Sorry to hear you are ill. Is your mum in a care home?

@EmmaAgain22 thank you, I’m ok- finished active treatment in the summer so rebuilding and getting stronger.
dm still lives at home with carers 4 times a day plus cleaner/ gardener etc and I do shopping / admin. Her carers are v good.
and you are absolutely right the elderly is often impossible to satisfy.

@thesandwich "you are absolutely right the elderly is often impossible to satisfy" I wonder if those of us on here who find our elderlies difficult have aged P's who have always been used to being spoilt/getting their own way through life & now they continue to expect the same . Even though what they expect now is above and beyond.

You have to look after yourself. MIL doesn't have capacity to be consistent in her demands, but her DC try to comply with them all the same. Maybe once a week she will be excessively grateful for what they do for her, half killing themselves in the process, but the rest of the time she'll rant about how shit her children are for not giving up their livelihoods to look after her full time. To be fair to her, this is the dementia talking, and she would never have expected or accepted that kind of help when she was in her right mind. But she was a very controlling individual, and that's the parent they're responding to. It's really hard.

Or maybe they’ve been used to the autonomy we all take for granted and are frustrated about all the little things they can no longer do? I remember my mum in tears because the gardener had accidentally pulled up some cherished plants, a mistake she’d never have made. Her needs were so wide ranging, it would have been immensely hard for her to show gratitude all the time when, whatever anyone did, they couldn’t do everything

My mum was the least demanding and loveliest of all parents, though her absolute inability to state her own needs directly could be difficult - we were supposed to guess, and to guess right. What is hard now is knowing that her life is one she specifically did not want to live. But she didn't give us the legal tools to make her wishes happen and all we can do now is our best, which is still awful.

Glad you are rebuilding.

does this mean your mum is alone at home for a fair chunk of the day?

I'm afraid I've already burst into tears this morning. I just realised, I haven't had a day on my own since 5th November.

mum is much better. I will be interested to see what my sis thinks about it all as she is on duty tomorrow and Monday.

it's so much emotional upheaval to go from "is she dying" to "oh I can go home now" and it's happened so many times.

re being spoiled, no, my parents were never spoiled. I can't really compare mum and dad because I think dad would have been awful if he had made it to old age. Mum isn't awful at all. I'm certainly not cut out for family life though.

Hello @EmmaAgain22 yes dm is alone quite a bit, but is able to read the paper, watch tv etc. she was widowed at 60 so used to her own company.
not having a day on your own since 5th nov is awful- illegal if you were employed!
can you get private care/ companions in to give you a break? What you are doing isn’t sustainable.
your health and well being are really important to be of any help to anyone else.

I thought it was pretty normal?

what I mean is, I was at mum's on 5th Nov, stayed over. She fell in early hours of 6th. Cue 18 hours at A&E etc.

then she was admitted, then went to care home, so I've been at hospital or care home every day till she came back on Weds 23rd, then at hers. I live 2 hours away, door to door, on public transport. So it was easier for me to just stay here. I know people who do it as a daily commute!

I thought living at mum's to care for her would be okay but I thought she was dying or going to need actual care. Mini Strokes, concussion, whatever the array of things is from the latest fall...now it's good that she is bouncing back but if she is okay then I should go home as soon as my sis gets here.

i'm probably not giving a good explanation as I'm finding it confusing. We put her in respite care to save me from having to deal with her while she was doing the early part of recovery.

@EmmaAgain22 i think I understand - there is the crisis short term issues, then the realisation of long term needs.
not knowing at first if it’s a sprint or potentially a marathon. Or an obstacle race. But whatever it is really important to look after yourself- especially if you’re looking at a longer term situation. They always tell you on airplanes to put your own oxygen mask on first…….

The oxygen mask thing doesn't work in reality. If we didn't have the money to put mum in a private care home, I am not sure what would have happened.

my sister has organised a carer to meet them both at mum's house on Monday morning. I think mum is a bit put out because not a lot needs doing and in theory, I can do all of it and we had both hoped for that, but a mere 3 days shows it's not a good plan. Or perhaps I need to recover after the last few weeks? I forgot to add, she had numerous doc appointments before this fall.

i had one person say to me "oh caring is really easy - you just have to be around to let their carers in". !!!!! But actually, if that was an option, it would be a possibility.

Let that person take over. One word- keysafe so carers can let themselves in.
let your dm get used to carers now- easier to increase if neccesary.
and yes, you do need to recover.

Mum absolutely will not have a key safe at the moment.

it's been amazing to get her to agree to stairlift, to going in respite care after hospital, to hiring cleaning help, to meeting a carer. I think that's enough for now. Two neighbours have keys for emergencies.

I can understand that the idea of being unable to even answer the door is too awful to consider for her atm.

I think it's good for her to get used to carer visits now even if she doesn't "need" them, though I have a different definition of needing care maybe. I dunno. I have a feeling my sister will also say she doesn't need care.

There’s sometimes a twilight period @EmmaAgain22 when the hierarchy of who is senior in the relationship between you and your parent shifts. I think that’s why it all seems so tough. It’s all a bit undefined,
With DM on the mend, need you necessarily wait for a handover in person with your DSis? Just go. This will let DSis see the extent of the problem. Hope you get a quiet day soon.

How are you Mum5net?

Mum is much better today. some of this might be just that I find it so awful to see, and the fear of her ending up like her older siblings, which I know some of you are already having with your parents.

My sister is spot on - how many times do we have to go through the whole shebag...something awful happens -> days in hospital -> is she dying -> no -> support the recovery -> lose that chunk of brain that's always lost when this stuff happens.

I would like to cross over with my sister because she's the only person I can talk to IRL. This thread is a such a blessing.

tbh I have seen it before but never posted because there are times you want to talk but also times you just want to ignore it all.

Been busy loading a skip all weekend as my DSis mid renovation. Tomorrow is care home clearance and choosing outfit for DM. good you have DSis on same page @EmmaAgain22 Thank you for asking.
@Fantasea How are you getting on with your neighbour? My DPs once agreed to buy my DSis’s house. Day before exchange my DF refused to move out of original house. In the end he would only move to DSis’s brand new house. So DSis who had packed to move had to unpack and stay in her house for another six months while she owned the new property possessed by DPs. I’ve thought about you frequently this week when my DSis and I have been discussing DP’s many many escapades

Mum5net hope it's all cope-able with.

Mum and sis didn't like the carer. I knew that was going to happen! She does home help too but apparently said "there's not a lot to do" - no, because it's been done, the point of the home help bit is we don't have to do it.

It's been agreed she will come a few more times but as mum seems to be improving, that's maybe an end to it. I suspect she won't come for the first appointment tomorrow tbh. There'll be no shortage of work for her.

My sister says there's more improvement in mum today. Increasingly we think that after effects of concussion are wearing off, whereas the doctors didn't think concussion warranted a mention. So odd.

I never knew grandparents and have no idea what level of frailty warrants a carer.

Please can you keep everything crossed for me and DM? DF is currently in respite care a little way away from DM while she recovers from a hip replacement. She has realized that she can no longer care for him ( he has Parkinsons and dementia) and wants to move him to a home nearer to her so she can visit more regularly. She rang one today that actually has an empty room and asked if she wants to view it tomorrow. They will then have to go and see DF and see if they can care for him. DM thinks everything is too good to be true but I'm hoping and praying someone is looking down on us and it will work out. Please keep everything crossed that it works out. I might actually get a decent night sleep if it does!

It worked out for us do hopefully it will for you too.

Oh Tupperware I have everything crossed for you.

Everything crossed @Tupperwarelid