Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Mums care home just rang as she was upset and wanted to speak to me.
She feels abandoned and like a lost child.

Someone told her I wasn’t her daughter and that’s upset her.

My brother hasn’t been for weeks - we were both there together on Sunday.

She would run away if it was summer.

She’s going to have to get a job - she’s 90.

I’m trying to negotiate buying the top floor of the care home and rent it out.

I’m mentally drained but going to see her tomorrow (I live 50 miles away so can’t just pop in) and I just know it’s going to be awful.

How do I develop a thick skin 😪

Dad's continuing to decline with his liver cancer. He took a tumble at the weekend, so palliative care are now requesting more care visits for toiletting. He's barely eating or drinking, and just looks so sad. He's using the Oramorph daily. It breaks my heart every time I leave him. I'm torn between wanting his pain to end, and being unable to imagine life without him

Permanent I absolutely hear that.

Born I wish I knew how to develop a thick skin too.

Badger yes, it's a strange business. I know of two people who died of liver cancer, one was fine till the end and the other much like your dad.

I had a strange phone call from the local busybody - well intentioned chap though - he was looking to speak to mum about a local issue. Or non-issue, in her view, lol.

I explained that she was declining and he got really down. I suppose for him, she was an example of an older person doing fine, now suddenly not.

Can I join in please
My mum was admitted to a care home last week.
Sadly she is declining quickly. She has alzheimer's and vascular dementia. She currently cries to come home which is just not possible. She has very limited mobility as is forgetting how to walk. She is doubly incontinent and cant remember things from 5 minutes to the next. Her speech is also now affected so very difficult to understand. She just about knows who my sister and I are
She is 80 and 18 months ago there was nothing wrong !! Dementia is awful. I dont want to get old

Hi orange
So sorry.
I don't want to get old either.

💐 to everyone having a tough time

How's everyone today?
Brought mum back from respite care. Quite alarming to see her wobble around.

I still think she needs to be treated for a couple of things that doctors are ignoring and thinking of as heart related.

Going to be a tough couple of weeks I think.

One of the catering staff was really upset to see her go, and I took a shine to one of the carers. But I bet that happens a lot in that environment. I think the catering lady thought mum was like her grandma as she talked about her gran a lot.

thanks emmaagain😍

Rather surreal last two days. My little DM (91) died in an ambulance just before 04.00am, Tuesday. It was v rapid. She had been fine at bedtime. But it was absolutely the right time to go and I feel nothing but love for her and relief for me.
The chain of events in the previous 45 mins were unscripted with a literally a last gasp change to our version of Operation London Bridge. Operation Kingston Bridge -Mark II turned out to be remarkably positive and uplifting.
DM picked a night when there were only 3 people at A&E when she was received, no queues of ambulances and a very loving and attentive nhs team to send her on her way. I'm still to see the care home crew in person, but they too were spared the soon-to-be feeding tubes and bedside vigil.
Remarkably, within 30 hours, I had DM's death certificate and Form 14.
DM is likely to get booked in next week for a direct cremation. The funeral team will put DM in a similar style whisky carton to the one DF has so they can be matching, I just have to bring a photo of DF in his present form. Family now planning a DM themed party in her honour.👑Fifteen years of dementia has curtailed the parties somewhat, but looking forward to celebrating the little golden gem of a mum which was always hidden inside.

Mum5net Condolences on your loss. In terms of the practicalities, it's such a relief when they go okay.

That sounds like an excellent plan re matching whisky cartons. I will think of your folks next time I have a glass. You must be still in shock, I guess? Much love to you . Share whatever you want to share of course.

Oh @Mum5net what a moving and uplifting post and what a tribute to your mum's spirit and resilience you are.

Be kind to yourself over the days and weeks ahead. Even though you are relieved that she is at peace it is a difficult time.

@Mum5net what a lovely kind way for your DM to go - I'm so sorry for your loss. The best we can hope for anyone we love is a peaceful calm journey.

@Mum5net May you have the time now to dwell on your good memories of your mother, the richness of her life and not just the final years.

@Mum5net what a beautiful post. I too am sorry for your loss. I am sure you will celebrate her life fittingly. 🌺🌺

Sorry for your loss @Mum5net, what a lovely post though. Such a blessing for her to have gone quickly.

Thank you to all for your condolences.
I made a request to undertakers that DM be kept in the hospital morgue until after the weekend as it will have staff there round the clock. DM was a party girl and would prefer to be with alive people. Our lovely funeral organiser then announced that was where she used to work and that would be no trouble at all...
Here's the little note I got tonight...
"I have spoken with the girls at the mortuary today and can reassure you that your DM will be getting the full VIP treatment from them until next Monday - and then of course she'll receive it from us, too."
DM will be smiling. I never imagined this type of ending.

Mum5net "DM will be smiling. I never imagined this type of ending."

that's good. I didn't like dad's chapel of rest being located at a busy junction but he'd have hated a quiet road!

there's a certain feeling of being "out of the woods" when someone passes on after a lot of suffering, I expect you might have a bit of that now.

mum has mostly been asleep today. I suspect that's the ongoing effect of concussion? Don't know if anyone has experience. I'm inclined to think rest is the best thing for her.

@Mum5net so sorry for the loss of your mum Xxx

I've not long come back from taking my mum to a hospital eye appointment. I tried to make it as easy as possible - we got a lift to the hospital door, minimum walk to clinic area, picked up from outside afterwards.

But I'm exhausted: from waiting room to consulting room she clung on my arm, needed assisting into & out of every chair, into & out of car. And I felt like a donkey - carrying my bag, her 2 bags, then a bag with 2 cartons of grapes from fruit stall in entrance to hospital, her clinging on my arm. I don't know how long I can go on with it. I'm not getting younger.

What have you done in these circumstances. Have you come to a point when you say "no" ?

I took great pleasure in ringing central booking and telling them that Dad was too frail for any more hospital appointments. In hindsight, we should have stopped them years before because it knocked the stuffing out of Dad, and it didn't really acheive much other than a Doctor or Nurse shaking their head and saying "you're getting older/frailer/weaker and your body is packing up" or they'd prescribe yet another medication that came with 50 side effects. The NHS needs to draw a line under the endless clinic appointments for the elderly, it would save a bloody fortune. As we age, our bodies pack up. It's not rocket science.

Saying No is something I can’t seem to say ☹️
I feel my mum now has such a poor quality of life that I am far too accommodating.

She’s my Mum, or I’m her mum as she keeps telling me and a mum should look after her child. I’m 60 and she’s 90.

Badger "As we age, our bodies pack up. It's not rocket science."

amen! So relieved that mum finally got referred to Geriatric medicine. The consultant who saw her had a proper holistic view of her problems and completely accepted there are certain things that don't warraht further investigation because she's not in a fit state for treatment.

Borntobeamum my mum occasionally makes those comments and I burst into tears (privately) once. I never wanted to be a parent.

after just three days, I'm thinking mum needs a carer but she is recovering so she won't accept that. If I lived nearer, it would be different but I can't just pop by when there's a problem.

Ironically, the fact she is recovering is causing issues - I can't just do the care stuff and pop her in bed.

my sister was saying, the worst of all this is the uncertainty - not knowing if they'll be around another 10 years or another 10 minutes.

MissMarple that sounds difficult. If you say no, is it a case of getting hospital help or hiring help?

I was a bit stunned when mum was discharged from hospital, wheeled out by a nurse who seemed to have someone supervising her (?) and that lady didn't offer to take a single bag. Even if her job is to observe the senior nurse pushing the chair, couldn't she have taken a bag? I think she could because when we were at the ground floor, she suddenly offered. Bizarre.

I feel very sad about it. I never envisaged that at 62 I would be in a poor state of health myself and being parent to my mother. She asked me while we were at the hospital if I'd like to go away with her on a short holiday for a rest. I wanted to burst I to tears. It would be no rest.

I take her out twice a week, just so she's not housebound. But it's a struggle for me. If anyone knows about "spoons" it takes me my days allocation plus most of next days as well. I'm just recovered physically, mentally, emotionally & it's time for the next round. I mean, how do you say "I can't do this so often" without upsetting her?

Sorry, I'm just feeling tired & sad tonight.

That sounds exhausting, @MissMarplesNiece. Do you honestly think that your mother benefits from attending these appointments? If they're not massively adding to her quality of life, then time to ditch them. And from personal experience, the GP and nursing team will come out to housebound patients if they are pushed to which also helps. Most elderly are perfectly content being housebound as it is familiar and safe - so you can take that pressure off yourself. Find something that you both enjoy - a puzzle, a crossword, audio book to listen to together. It's about quality time, simple pleasures and enjoying each others company. I sat for 2 hours last night trying to do the Times crossword with Dad - we both ended up in fits of laughter saying "well surely you know one of the answers".