Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I'm leaving mum's in the bank. She is classed as fully funded by the local authority although in practice that means she pays all her pension bar £ 120 a month to the council. So the £ 300 will sit in her account towards anything I need to get her or pay for such as the hairdresser or the chiropodist.

Of course it’s irrational- DFs fuel allowance will pay for 3days care.

Have you seen that the care home fee limit has been pushed down the road for two years?

The splitting of hotel costs and care costs was in the air when I was working in that field in the late 1990's. Thirty years on and nothing much has changed.

Dilnot’s angry article in the Guardian (Dilnot wrote the Government report several years back recommending reform)

That’s really tough, I know what it’s like. SIL tried insisting 89 year old FIL , who was dying, was to be resuscitated at all costs unless she said otherwise. I was speechless.
Reading this thread brings back so many hideous moments with my DPs; they died during Covid (thankfully not of Covid and were in a NH) and I still have flashbacks of the completely inappropriate and unreasonable demands put upon me.
I really do feel for you all trying to juggle life with caring roles, especially if you work and have children too. It nearly killed me.
💐

My father had 17 different accounts; 2 years after his death things are still not finalised.
☹️

17! I thought DF and DM were bad with 6 plus five pensions, each one going into a different account!

I’m now up to seven bank accounts. There are also shares and various investment bonds that I haven’t looked at yet.

Hi everyone
I think I posted here about my late father but that was ages ago

sorry so many people are struggling. I'm just finding my feet again but will try to offer any help if possible. Badger it took mum three weeks to accept dad had to be put on comfort care only. I tried to peruade her, she said no and I just remember weeping, but in the end, I know she was the decision maker for him. Harder with a sibling of course.

I now have to organise stuff for mum. She's 84. Was reasonably well till a blackout, probably a stroke, and a fall a couple of weeks ago - not the first. She also has a heart condition. Stroke hasn't been proven, which may cause issues. She does have a diagnosis of frailty.

She will now need help generally for cooking, cleaning etc. is using a zimmer frame but can't move around much.

I would like to apply for Attendance Allowance for her but was also wondering if PIP is better - or do you do both?

We don't plan to ask social services for anything else. If the AA is granted, then I might apply for carer's allowance as I am likely to be her carer. But it looks like AA is the first step?

She is currently in respite care that we paid for privately, because the hospital wanted to discharge her with one 30 min carer visit. I have also had a stairlift installed. I wasn't able to cope with things until she got stronger, hence the respite care.

Thanks for any advice.

@EmmaAgain22 PIP is a working age benefit. From the government website “You must also be under State Pension age if you’ve not received PIP before”

Thank you!

@EmmaAgain22 hello, loads of us have gone through aa application- golden rules are ask for a paper copy, they are date stamped so claim will be backdated to that date( or was when we applied pre covid) and seek input from age uk/ carers uk/ cab who can provide expert advice to how to best complete these, reflecting your dp at their worst.

And when filling in AA form base the wording on how your loved one is on their worst days, not their best. My mum would say "But I like to try and make my own meals" but the truth was that more often than not she would end up needing my help. The same with dressing and getting in and out of bed. Go for the worst case scenario in every question.

Thank you sandwich and hairbrush

I will call up for the forms on Monday. Do they come round and see the person?

My dad has got 36 😱 he's proud of the fact 😏🥺

Sorry, re the AA forms

some of the needs have existed for 6 months but not all. Does that mean a flat rejection? Seems odd, that 6 months.

@EmmaAgain22 thats where cab etc can help re the wording. V worthwhile seeking advice.

Okay, thank you
the form looks quite straightforward apart from that bit.

Go for the worst case scenario in every question. More important than that (which could verge into fraud if the “worst case” is very infrequent) is to remember “a need met is still a need”. So strip off all the coping mechanisms. Does slide her plate along the work surface rather than carry it direct to table? - she needs assistance preparing meals because she can’t carry plates, saucepans etc. She maybe can wash herself, but does she have to get a hairdresser because she can’t hold her arms up to wash her hair? - she needs assistance with hairwashing (and probably face washing). And so on.

seems odd, that 6 months. It’s meant for permanent disability, not for someone nursing a sprained ankle. They have to have a cut-off point somewhere.

Do they come round and see the person? Not in my experience. Think the form asks you sign that the answers are true. So if down the line it’s found that you’ve claimed AA under false pretences, the responsibility is on you.

V worthwhile seeking advice. I was told by a retired SW that “fiercely independent” means aggressive (with implications for later care home acceptance), and that “pigheaded” is therefore better expressed as “resolutely independent “.

Re the six months, we're not asking for it to be backdated though so it seems odd. They think she had a stroke so there is a difference between now and six months ago.

is there something else we should claim for instead? Social Services said it will be one to three months before they assess her. The hospital wrote on the discharge note that I live with her, which I don't - but I presume they did that to get rid of her.

we will be honest on the form and see how it goes. There was a marked deterioration after her fall in March and me and the neighbours have helped for ages. We can only try. If it doesn't go through, then I guess in another six months it might be worth filling in again. I asked her to apply for it ages ago but understandably, she doesn't want to take money that she doesn't need. She's only become willing now because she realises the deficits from this fall are permanent.

Re the six months, we're not asking for it to be backdated though so it seems odd. The six months is to establish it’s a long term need. You cope with the first 6 months, if you still have the need at the end of that then they will pay

If it doesn't go through, then I guess in another six months it might be worth filling in again If it doesn’t go through, you appeal.

Thank you
rang up for the form today

feels like strange days. Will take getting used to, both for her when she gets home and me if/when I leave her alone for the day or night. My sister will be here at the weekend so I do get a break.

How's everyone?

mum's home from respite care tomorrow. I think she's got a cold which I will almost certainly have got. My sister is no longer able to do the weekend - possibly an excuse but not sure.

so I may be on the verge of being mum's live in carer. Could work well or could be awful. Nervous!

My mum has a UTI again, six days after the last one. She seemed ok when I saw her on Sunday, but as ever she can't say much, perhaps a bit less this time. They gave her a short course of antibiotics last time... probably yet another one now...

I wish wish wish she was dead. I will greet that day with joy. She deserves so much better than this being handled from chair to toilet to bed in a nappy.