Should I be paying mum rent?

[EveryonesFavouritePunchbag]

Long story short (but still quite long, sorry):

Returned to the UK earlier this year because my parents are clearly nearing the end of life, with rapidly deteriorating health. My primary residence is abroad and my husband still lives there (we’re doing OK, chatting daily – social media has its uses!). A couple of weeks ago, dad went into a care home with dementia and I moved in with mum because there is so much to help with (everything inside and outside the house is badly neglected) and this sort of thing is hard to get done when living at a distance.

I’m going home (to my husband) soon for a few weeks, but before I go have made it my priority to do up mum’s bedroom. The carpet and beds were covered in bloodstains from dad’s nightly falls. The curtains were rotting, she’s been using enormous bulldog clips to keep them shut. The chests of drawers were falling apart (the hardboard backing was actually disintegrating into powder, the bottoms of the drawers falling out). I wanted to make it clean and comfortable for her, a tranquil haven rather than the scene of trauma!

My brothers seem to view this as a hostile takeover and keep putting the boot in. One of them recently commented on me “living here rent free.” This has got me worried. I’ve hardly had time to think about it yet, but should I be paying rent? I’ve been so busy that I haven’t given much thought to bills, but I guess I should go halves. I buy and cook as much food as mum will permit, given that she just wants fish and potatoes every night 😜

Your brothers sound like money grabbing arseholes.

They do nothing for their mum, actively block improvements then percieve your attempts to help as trying to do the very thing they are doing.
Unless your mum has specified differently in a will, you will be entitled to a third of her estate.

I can guarantee, when the time comes they will suddenly spring into action and be extremely involved in sorting out the estate.

Can your mum not see this?

POA or not, get angry and please don't just roll over.

Hmm, my impulse not to return is gaining impetus.

Husband and I have plans to sell up and leave the country our current home is in, for various reasons. We had thought perhaps to come to the UK for a few years, just to make sure mum and dad are all right. But I think I've done my bit, to be honest, and I don't want to put him through any more of this nonsense. He was appalled by the couple of family Xmases he witnessed. He said it was painful to see people who didn't even like each other gathered once a year pretending to love other. I told him not to be silly. But he is right!

If we do settle in the UK one day, there's no need to let my family know.

This

just run away while you can!

sorry it turned out this way, OP.

aggghhh, they want two sets of keys. I only have one. I bought it off my brother (it was my nephew's car!)

You have done enough. Go home to your husband (you don't say if you have other family abroad).
Your mum has a cleaner, she can manage her meals and you are going to leave the house as sorted as you can (and your mum wants). She won't be alone- you have 2 brothers, it's not just down-to you.

You have your own life, don't sacrifice it on the alter of "duty".

Your mum could live for years! How long can you realistically put your (and your husband's ) life on hold?

Very true, @averylongtimeago ... I think I was fretting and fretting about mum and dad's welfare, especially with COVID which made me feel so horribly cut off, living abroad. But I feel like I know where I'm not wanted 😁 and my priority should be to the one person in the world who loves me and treats me with kindness and respect. ❤

A new carpet won’t add value to the house, you should be paying rent, your brother’s have PoA, you could buy a bread machine and coffee maker for mum😳

You’ve done more than your best to make sure your dad’s safe and your mum is living in a clean house. Your mum is putting blocks on the improvements. You’ve sacrificed your time, money and home life to do this without support. And your brother suggested you should be paying rent etc for a few weeks? Your brothers sound like they’re guarding their investment and have no/little interest in their parent’s welfare. Your mum is guarding her space but isn’t making the best decisions for herself. Yet she’s happy at the idea of you moving back.

Definitely take a step back from this and protect yourself and your family life. Your mum will need extra help soon so it’s probably worth her getting assessed for anything she needs. Sorry it’s been such a negative eye opener 💐

What stuff do you have that needs to go into storage? It does sound like your main reason for coming to the UK has finished and noone will appreciate you putting yourself out to stay with your mum. If your brothers live in the UK let them deal with things. You could always visit for a week or so at a time every so often.

@EveryonesFavouritePunchbag Can you not stick the car in Facebook marketplace or local Facebook page or local shop window/newspaper.?
second hand car market appears to be very strong right now. Ship whatever stuff you want to keep back home or recycle/sell it.

you’ve done what you can. And they’ve made it clear what they think. As you say - go home to someone who loves, respects, wants and needs you.

Thanks everyone. @Alphabet1spaghetti2 I don't have a FB account but it sounds as though it might be worth creating a profile if that's a good way to sell a car!

@EveryonesFavouritePunchbag
facebook and marketplace does have its uses. It’s a it like the putting a card in the local shop window, only techyfied!

I don’t use it as social media. You can delete your profile should you wish afterwards.

Great idea, thank you!

Timpsons can often do car keys

Thank you @maudesvagina 😊

I'm now thinking fuck the storage etc, I will just sell everything on eBay between now and the weekend. It all just duplicates what I already have at home and people can collect it on Saturday (I think)? I had hesitated to cause such disruption here, but sod it, I could do with some £££ to replenish what I've spent over the past few months on rents, DIY, etc...

"We Buy Any Car" will usually still buy it from you with one key, but they'll reduce the price. It's worth getting the price they'll offer you, then looking at the price with two keys and seeing if you can get one cut for less than the difference between the offers.

Sell everything OP, take the cash and live your life! You’ve done enough, let your brothers shoulder the responsibility. Put yourself and your marriage first 💐

Good idea. I can't quite believe the cost of getting a car key cut. Nearly £200!!!!!!

Use a website like Webuyanycar.com for a quick sale ( not necessarily the best price but we thought they were ok when we used them)

Oh sorry- I posted before reading the whole thread

@Twiglets1 Don't apologise, thank you for the suggestion, and please have a gold medal for RTFT! 😀

Thank you 😊
You have my sympathy re your family situation btw

Thank you

I used to read stuff on MN and think, How on earth could things ever get so bad that you'd decide to go NC with family?!

Lesson learned!!!!!

What you describe re mum is fairly typical of people who don’t want to think they need help. According to my mother I have ‘ruined her life’ by brining a cleaner in for one day a week.
your mum is perhaps too proud to admit she needs help, but it’s interesting that she has said you should stay when(if) you come back. Perhaps she does appreciate you are there. I think I would clean more than replace eg wash/dry clean the curtains rather than buy new ones? Get a carpet in the same colour as the original? That way Mum won’t feel too much has changed. She probably needs to be around what is familiar at the moment, given the enormous change from living with and caring for your dad.
only thing I would say is, I would probably come back for one more stay at least, perhaps to help Mum sort through Dad’s stuff and process the changes in her life. I have spent much more time with my mum as she has aged and become more frail, and we are much closer now than we ever were before. But you must do what’s right for you.
Your brothers sound like fuckers. You however, sound lovely.

I think they are all selfish shits .
You clearly have higher standards and care about you mothers living conditions, despite all complications i too would have done the same ,i would not have been happy knowing my mom was living in the mess you describe.
Clearly whatever sensible , helpful thing you suggest will be sneered at so i think you should please yourself from now on .