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Elderly parents

Should I be paying mum rent?

83 replies

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 11:25

Long story short (but still quite long, sorry):

Returned to the UK earlier this year because my parents are clearly nearing the end of life, with rapidly deteriorating health. My primary residence is abroad and my husband still lives there (we’re doing OK, chatting daily – social media has its uses!). A couple of weeks ago, dad went into a care home with dementia and I moved in with mum because there is so much to help with (everything inside and outside the house is badly neglected) and this sort of thing is hard to get done when living at a distance.

I’m going home (to my husband) soon for a few weeks, but before I go have made it my priority to do up mum’s bedroom. The carpet and beds were covered in bloodstains from dad’s nightly falls. The curtains were rotting, she’s been using enormous bulldog clips to keep them shut. The chests of drawers were falling apart (the hardboard backing was actually disintegrating into powder, the bottoms of the drawers falling out). I wanted to make it clean and comfortable for her, a tranquil haven rather than the scene of trauma!

My brothers seem to view this as a hostile takeover and keep putting the boot in. One of them recently commented on me “living here rent free.” This has got me worried. I’ve hardly had time to think about it yet, but should I be paying rent? I’ve been so busy that I haven’t given much thought to bills, but I guess I should go halves. I buy and cook as much food as mum will permit, given that she just wants fish and potatoes every night 😜

OP posts:
EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 19:56

@tsmainsqueeze "sneered at" is EXACTLY how it's been!!!

I just explained to mum over dinner that I am going home and not coming back. We have a house to sell and we've been apart for 6 months, which although we've managed well... my job now is over there, my job here is complete.

DH was so excited when I told him! He asked me to let mum know that we will come over at any point if and when she needs us.

She understands and accepts all this. So all good.

I wish I could see my brother's face when he realises I'm not coming back to live here "rent free" 🤣 I can't be arsed telling either of my brothers, they will find out in due course. I think it's their turn to step up, if they can be bothered, and if not and mum needs help with anything then DH and I can come to the rescue. But until then... tally ho!!!!!!!! So excited about going home on Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU EVERYONE for helping me to come to this decision. My default setting is to feel that I have done everything wrong and am being really stupid. I know now where that came from, but it's a hard feeling to shake.

Flowers
OP posts:
calmlakes · 08/08/2022 20:00

Well done OP.

Iwonder08 · 08/08/2022 20:04

Aren't you amazing! Well done, a lot of people waste years before realising they are being used by their family. You did very well!

Twiglets1 · 08/08/2022 20:07

Glad you came to a decision. Your brothers made it easy for you with their suspicious attitudes and when they find out I expect they will wish they had been a bit more supportive

RaininSummer · 08/08/2022 20:12

Sounds like a good decision. Not the most important thing you said but I got fixated on the bookcase back turning to powder. That is probably woodworm as the same thing happened to mine. Likely to be in the floorboards too. You may want to tell your brothers to check ;)

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 20:18

Ahh @RaininSummer there are concrete floors here. It's a 1980s bungalow with Artex ceilings!

OP posts:
EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 20:18

Iwonder08 · 08/08/2022 20:04

Aren't you amazing! Well done, a lot of people waste years before realising they are being used by their family. You did very well!

gosh thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Jamaisy82 · 29/08/2022 11:12

I don't think paying rent is a bad thing.
Has your mam asked for rent? If not then I do think you cooking and cleaning and helping out etc is well worth the no rent being paid as you are contributing alot and that's worth its weight in gold.

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