What do you wish that your parents has put in place when they were still fit and healthy?

[Mumwantingtogetitright]

Currently trying to support an elderly relative (not a parent) with dementia. It's very challenging, because there is no PoA in place, she can't remember security passwords etc on any of her accounts and so on. It is getting sorted but it has been hard. I wish that she had put things in place earlier before it got so bad.

In the meantime, another friend of mine has been acting as an executor for his father's will. He has had a horrendous time, wading through reams and reams of paperwork, trying to locate different documents etc. It sounds so stressful.

All of this has got me thinking about what I might need to put in place in order to minimise the burden on my dd when dh and I get to that stage of life. Sorting out PoA is obviously one, but I wondered what else we should start doing to get our affairs in order and make things easier for dd when the time comes. Is there anything your parents did that was helpful? Anything that you wish they had done?

TIA

Thankfully we did POA for both parents before Mum developed dementia.
She's no longer with us. I do Dad's finances, I have simplified the number of accounts he has and I have POA registered. Dad has capacity but Mum did anything to do with money.

Getting all paperwork in order definitely.

But also moving to single-level, much smaller accommodation, with a easy to manage garden.

Walk in shower and comfortable height toilet.

PS I'm executor for a friend's parent. I have details of their bank account numbers

1. Move to suitable accommodation whilst you still can
2. Have things like wet rooms put in/take bath out/ramps in garden, handrails etc
3. POAs
4. Start de cluttering!
5. Read the gentle art of Swedish death cleaning

Would you mind elaborating a bit on the paperwork comment, please? What in particular might be useful to do? We do file most things in a fairly organised way anyway, I think, but there are probably things I haven't thought of.

Decluttering is a massive issue. We need to do this. It stresses me out big time to think about doing that in my parents' house when the time comes. I will take that one to heart, for sure.

We are starting this with my Mum. She’s still fairly switched on but panics over the slightest thing which then causes her to get confused. She always kept a spreadsheet of savings etc but over Covid got out of the habit and now has no idea.

We applied for PoA in Feb and are still waiting - several of her friends have had similar issues. We are now trying to get an up to date list of bank accounts/savings - sort code, acc number, online access etc. as well as confirm pension income etc.

We think there is a will but not sure where it is or who the executors are (was DF, DB and I but that was 30 years ago). She has verbally expressed funeral wishes and I’d like her to write it down and put it with the will. (My dad did this and it was a great help).

5 years ago none of this would have been an issue as Mum was on it! I think the problem is that ‘old age’ creeps up on you and by the time you realise you’re not coping, it’s too late for the good intentions. That’s my experience anyway.

POA. I had one for my late DM and DH and I have done one for ourselves as we have both seen how important they are and need to be in place before you actually want to act on them,

Information on accounts and investments in one place so all the paperwork can be accessed and up to date.

Look at what might need to be adapted in old age. I had to move my DM downstairs for her to stay in her home. Also make sure wills and wishes are known in advance. Despite being an executor for my DM I also knew her wishes so yes she wanted me to fund a wake/party and be buried in a certain location.

Allowing help.

Dhs family won’t move from large house and large garden to a more suitable place. Fine. But they also won’t allow a gardener in, or decorators or cleaner as they think they can do themselves still. But can’t as it’s all too much.
They have plenty of money to have them.

Hmm, writing down funeral wishes. Hadn't considered that. Will add to the list!

Information on accounts and investments in one place so all the paperwork can be accessed and up to date.

That sounds sensible.

Yes to statement of wishes re funeral! (I've done one too...)

My sister and I are mums executors but it won't be complicated. She has some savings and her belongings/furniture. That's it.

Mum has online banking and only 2 accounts.

Simplifying bank accounts/investments/pensions etc is so helpful.

I have enduring financial PoA for both parents (divorced). My mum is going to sort another for her care needs (a different PoA is needed and it stops for instance not being able to remove them from care and bring them to your home should you wish to- in lockdown this caught a lot of people out). I have copies of her will and also a list of where all her paperwork is kept or held.
She is also in an assisted care flat - not sheltered housing. Care is on site. She doesn't need it yet but can add it to her package as and when she needs it.
Flat all on one level, wet room, disabled friendly. She has dealt with all the downsizing. We took what we wanted and she got rid of the rest. I plan to do this myself once I get older. Most people move to assisted care flats about 5 years too late.... they struggle on in huge houses which don't have appropriate facilities. That's the biggest thing you can do for your kids I know that if she fell for instance she would be missed by the staff/ residents and found quickly.

Swedish death cleaning ….

don’t make your kids responsible for an unsorted lifetime of your memories / family archive. Pare it down. Label the bloody photos 😂

Thanks, sounds like moving into appropriate accommodation at a relatively early stage would probably be a sensible idea. Food for thought.

Definitely to know where the will is, who are the executors, which solicitors.

Any funeral plan in place? Which funeral company.
POA before loss of capacity.
Downsize plus adaptations in order to stay as independent as possible for longer. Bonus here is that a move kind of forces a declutter whilst you can.
A folder, easily accessible with bank, benefit, house details. Passwords if possible.
Photo's to be uploaded and stored.

I have all of my passwords stored on NordPass, along with important information e.g. NHS number, passport number, licence number, NI number, home/car insurance references and dates of renewal... etc. I would make sure that my master password is passed on so that my kids could have access to that information. (I might actually go and write it down now for my partner!).

That sounds very wise. I'm quite sentimental and probably hold onto a ton of stuff that I don't really need. I don't want it to become a burden to dd in the years to come...I will start paring down gradually. Labelling photos is a great tip - my parents have inherited so many old family photos and I'm gutted that we don't really know who or what they are!

That sounds a sensible plan. Don't know about NordPass but will investigate.

If only they'd made notes on the back of all their old black and white photos of who all the people were... I have a huge collection of pictures going back nearly a hundred years, and they are my relatives. I don't know who is who, and there is no-one left alive to ask.🙁

I hear you! Same for my family. I will definitely try to do this!

Is there anything that might be important to your DC later on in life that might not necessarily be talked about.

My DM had a hysterectomy but I never asked her why. My doctor asked not long ago why in case it mattered to my current health (I am almost 50 but didn't know).

A “To be opened in the event of my death” envelope with details of bank accounts, insurance policies solicitors, where the will and house deeds are kept, funeral wishes etc. Basically everything in one place to avoid having to root through everything.

I keep all my passwords on an app called Dashlane. You can nominate someone (in my case DH) who will be allowed access to it in the event of your death.

I wish i had made it clear that my parents are not entitled to project labels on to me, hurt me, and then act like martyred victims of me when i have a reaction to their behaviour.

It still would have been hard tho. They are 77 and 79 now but it was never going to be easy.

My mother feels such entitlement to label me (paranoid, sensitive, angry) but has zero capacity to look at what happened immediately before i got upset.

I just wish id tried to fix my own hurt privately in therapy, but what happened was that being wounded and reactive, when she dismissively glossed over decades of labelling me while simultaneously shaming me for not considering how my mere claim to be hurt really did genuinely hurt her.

I just couldnt stay calm.

Passwords are a difficult thing with sometimes being forced to change them regularly and being a security risk to write them down. I'd make sure that your DC have any paperwork that belongs to them (birth certificates, exam certs, premium bonds etc.) once they leave home, or put them in an envelope labelled with their name. I've done a list of all my banks & savings, plus accountant & IFA details which I keep up to date - am still waiting for DP to do his despite 3 years of asking. We're also, slowly, doing decluttering.