What do you wish that your parents has put in place when they were still fit and healthy?

[Mumwantingtogetitright]

Currently trying to support an elderly relative (not a parent) with dementia. It's very challenging, because there is no PoA in place, she can't remember security passwords etc on any of her accounts and so on. It is getting sorted but it has been hard. I wish that she had put things in place earlier before it got so bad.

In the meantime, another friend of mine has been acting as an executor for his father's will. He has had a horrendous time, wading through reams and reams of paperwork, trying to locate different documents etc. It sounds so stressful.

All of this has got me thinking about what I might need to put in place in order to minimise the burden on my dd when dh and I get to that stage of life. Sorting out PoA is obviously one, but I wondered what else we should start doing to get our affairs in order and make things easier for dd when the time comes. Is there anything your parents did that was helpful? Anything that you wish they had done?

TIA

Please do. Also only keep paperwork you actually need not stuff from the 60's (yes dear departed dad I'm looking at you....it's a safe bet that those 1960's insurance policies had expired by 2020 when you died). The last thing is give someone you trust your passwords to bank accounts etc, as this can be a nightmare when trying to sort that out (again dad I'm looking at you).

Ha! Yes, I have been terrible about holding onto old financial paperwork but started gradually shredding it a few years ago. Need to ensure that I keep this up!

Lots of good ideas on this thread What steps do we 50 somethings need to take to avoid the situation many of us find ourselves with our elderly relatives? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/4269880-what-steps-do-we-50-somethings-need-to-take-to-avoid-the-situation-many-of-us-find-ourselves-with-our-elderly-relatives .

Decluttering is a great thing, as is making a note of names on the back of photos.

Hmmm…prompted by this post I’ve looked at my Dashlane account and it appears they have retired their ‘emergency contact access’ feature without telling me!

I’m going to switch to a different password manager (Nordpass or Lostpass) as it was one of the key reasons I purchased the app.

Thank you @Defiantlynot41 , will definitely have a look at that other thread.

I wish they had moved to a bungalow and closer to us.
we found them an ideal one and my Mum was up for it but my sdad wasn’t. Now she’s stuck in a wheelchair and if she asks him to bring her here he “doesn’t feel well enough”

Ooh, this is a timely thread.

I have an very elderly relative but she is in good health currently.
I need to wade through this thread.

It is timely because this week, I suddenly decided to get the ball rolling. Does my relative want to donate her organs[she was of the opinion that the elderly are not used, but I have found this not to be true]. And does she want to be resucitated? Not heard back on that one yet.

Passwords, not applicable at her advanced age.
Decluttering, she never did that.
Photos, in hand.

I’ve thought about this too even though we are in our 30s.

Definitely Swedish death cleansing, I’m dreading my hoarder PIL dying.

Look into assisted living scheme. There are a few near us including one with my parents think is amazing and they have friends there but they won’t consider moving there.

Lastpass does have that feature but not sure if you have to have the premium version (I do) - if the subscription payment comes from a card or account belonging to someone who has died and expires while you are sorting everything out that could be a problem. But hopefully you would pick that up from an email.

I wish our relatives had been more proactive in preparing for old age like decluttering and downsizing. The house became difficult to maintain as they became infirm. They also had the unspoken expectation that a relative would move hundreds of miles to them in order to look after them.

Sourcing decent care homes with nursing care facilities and asking if they have a waiting list and checking what paperwork and items the relatives need for entry. Covid has reduced staffing capacity in the industry so there’s long waiting lists in recommended homes.

My mother refuses to declutter, saying that I can do it when she’s gone. She moved from a large 4 bed house to a small 2 bed bungalow over 20 years ago, and simply moved everything across. The garage and loft are full of junk, particularly furniture that won’t fit in her house (dining table for 12, plus chairs, huge amount of garden furniture and gazebos). She has at least four dinner services, a dozen egg cups, goodness knows how many tablecloths…

My mum had bought and arranged her own funeral. It was the only thing she had done and I was so grateful she had. All the stress of what music, what her choices would be for so many of the things were taken off our shoulders, as the funeral home had it all written down. Bless her for that.

Future prrof by downsizing to one easy access living level (maybe with wetroom rather than bath) and definitely declutter (donate, chuck out, or keep).
POA, will (and DNR, or not)
Decent filing system for paperwork with list of passwords. Not envelopes shoved in a pile down the side of the sofa or in kitchen drawers!

I'm reading this timely list as MIL is very unwell and we're about to manage some of the above again as she is very resistent to anyone "knowing her business".
We've also been decluttering our own home so that DC dont have such a mess to deal with in the future. Its so much harder to go sort and arrange somelifes lifeadmin whilst grieving, working and raising a young family.

My mum died quite suddenly and unexpectedly in February. Despite our best efforts (she had some health concerns but nothing prepared us for this) but refused to write a will or apply for POA.

Fortunately she had been decluttering for quite some time so there weren't loads of things to have to deal with.

One thing I'm going to do is streamline all my finances - all in one bank if possible. I'm meticulous about filing paperwork (yes I prefer paper to online) and if anything happens to me I have everything listed on one sheet of paper.

My will is written but needs updating

Set up a joint account with a trusted friend/dp/adult dc to hold funds for the funeral (that was a significant breaking point, trying to withdraw funds from my mum's account for her funeral)

POA for health and finances

Living will - so that my dc don't have to worry about what my thoughts are on DNR etc

Donor card awareness

Massive declutter

I wish my dad had sorted out his paperwork before he died. I’m a whizz at it and computer hacking. But omg it still
took me two weeks to sort and track everything down and then get it in order, just so we knew where the money was for my mum and before we got a solicitor involved. Never did find out what one direct debit I cancelled was for.

I have a relative[learnt a lot from him], that when his parents had both passed, thought they had put all the paperwork in one place.
Well they had! Except it was missing the house deeds. They were never found.

What does sorting out the paperwork actually mean?

My mum hopefully won’t die in the next 20 years, but she has done the following to help us when she does:

• paid for her funeral
• wrote a will
• wrote a list of all her bank accounts etc and rough amounts of money
• gave both my brother and I POA
• put all her relevant documents in a safe
• gave us the password to the safe and told us where to find the key

as she is Catholic I know what she wants for her funeral (pretty standard Catholic funeral and I know her favourite hymns)

she has also told me she doesn’t want me sitting about grieving and feeling sad. she is ready to die when God decides, she has had a good life and her children have grown up and she has been blessed with grandchildren (who are a pair of “wee shites” apparently as they are both very assertive: but she does adore them)

im still not ready for her to die though and don’t know how ill cope when the day comes.

Paperwork - finding if documents such as passports and driving licence and bus pass.
finding pension/ benefits/national insurance numbers and paperwork. Finding stuff to deal with household bills such as water, electric, gas etc. paperwork related to cars, income from pensions, shares, bank accounts, savings accounts, premium
bonds etc. finding a will if they’ve died. Rental agreements, mortgage documents, land registry and house deeds.

just a few of the things I had to find and sort. @Gwenhwyfar

I had to sort out my dads paperwork after he passed. It was in a plastic plant pot.
I must admit once I'd organised it all the companies I spoke to had a bereavement line which made it easier to deal with.
I also did probate which isn't too difficult.
My plan is live into a bungalow around 65. I'd like to say spend all my money but no doubt someone will complain I should be making sure I can pay for care if needed.
Condense bank accounts, pick my music and write my own eulogy because it's bloody hard when there is no one left to ask

My mum is relatively fit and generally has capacity but she's getting a bit forgetful and has a few online security scares lately.
I've gently been getting her to share her accounts and passwords with me and we've spoken about PoA so we'll be doing that in the next couple of years.
She's also got her funeral plan paid for.

My dad was amazing when his health started detoriating. He organised all the disability aids in their home, stair lift, riser chairs for both him and mum, wet room, health visitors/hospital appointments, induction loops, walking frames etc in advance of really needing them.

He decluttered the whole house, and his filling system with household, pension, insurance, DLA paperwork, bank statements, warranties, etc was perfect. Contact names for his friends and our extended family. Which meant dealing with all his affairs was straightforward.

He even scanned in all the old family photos and arranged them into albums for us.

Yes yes yes to POAs in place! I think it should be compulsory for every adult over 40 🤣😂
I’m currently sorting my mum’s estate out, luckily she had a will but unluckily it was poorly written! I’m also dealing with my stepfather who has severe dementia, no POA, no legal Next of Kin, therefore no access to his money, no way of selling mum’s house to help towards his care home fees. It’s a bloody nightmare. They had taken out equity release in joint names so its now solely on his name, but the house was held as tenants in common and he only held 20%, which is less than the ER balance!
My next job is to complete an application to the court of protection for guardianship for him. Luckily he has a will so when he dies everything will be straightforward - fingers crossed.

Try to get her to do it now. My mum was fit and well 2 years ago. As was my stepfather.
We helped my MIL complete her POA by downloading the application on an ipad and completing it with her, then printing the completed thing off which she then went through with a friend of hers that she trusted.