What do you wish that your parents has put in place when they were still fit and healthy?

[Mumwantingtogetitright]

Currently trying to support an elderly relative (not a parent) with dementia. It's very challenging, because there is no PoA in place, she can't remember security passwords etc on any of her accounts and so on. It is getting sorted but it has been hard. I wish that she had put things in place earlier before it got so bad.

In the meantime, another friend of mine has been acting as an executor for his father's will. He has had a horrendous time, wading through reams and reams of paperwork, trying to locate different documents etc. It sounds so stressful.

All of this has got me thinking about what I might need to put in place in order to minimise the burden on my dd when dh and I get to that stage of life. Sorting out PoA is obviously one, but I wondered what else we should start doing to get our affairs in order and make things easier for dd when the time comes. Is there anything your parents did that was helpful? Anything that you wish they had done?

TIA

Not just writing down funeral wishes, but making sure they are discoverable. My mum had told me her funeral wishes were written down but we didn’t find the notebook they were written in until months after the event. We got absolutely nothing right :(

We had found the will easily enough - I wish her funeral wishes had been with the will instead of written in one notebook in a house full of notebooks!

Re house deeds -- I paid off mortgage about 10 years ago and was told by mortgage company all deeds were now online ( ? with land rsgisitry) and hard copies no longer sent.

Not if you've lived in the same house since the 1950s or 60s, which is the case for many of.our parents

Mum and Dad moved into sheltered accommodation near the town centre before Dad’s Parkinsons got difficult. This helped enormously later on. Smaller, on one level, easy to use walk in shower, help available 24/7, catered dining room for lunch available, 2 minute walk to shops and doctors / dentists when Dad could no longer drive. Dad has since died, Mum is already in a lovely flat and knows lots of the neighbours. I know where all the financial stuff is. And we got a POA which so far we haven’t needed.

For new houses, maybe. I find it hard to believe that someone has scanned the complete bundle of deeds going back to 1900 or beyond.

That he’d kept his “green form” with his other car stuff so I could scrap his car easily.

I wish my mum had been clear with the whole family about her arrangements both for health and finances.
My siblings blame me for all sorts of stuff when I'm just enacting mums wishes and the responsibilities she gave me as POA
I have spent the past few years getting some of the most foul abuse and accusations. I have nearly walked away a few times but mum is now so frail and helpless I can't trust that they would do the right thing for her (I guess that's what she thought too by leaving all the responsibly y to me) - I really am dreading her death as she has made me the executor of her unequal and chaotic will and I will be blamed for it all (I don't receive anything in it, although I've already been told I'm just doing it all for my inheritance that I have stolen from them all - apparently selling mums house to pay for her care was stealing from them)
Family can be irrational when people haven't been effectively communicated to.

hey @Fishandchipbutty do you wanna share your A4 list ?

I'm a bit resentful towards my DMIL and her DH who were in complete denial of their changing needs and abilities and declining health in their late 70s.
They were very kind and had the funds to maintian their crumbling old house, and for the 25 years I knew them were explicitly asked to make heating, plumbing and electricity safer by their children, who offered to help plan and manage these neccessary changes.
Didn't happen.
None of the (middle aged) children lived near, and by the time the elderly couple needed carers the house was deemed unsafe (imagine 1940s standard + 60 years of dodgy DIY) and things had to be sorted by my DH remotely during lockdown. It was one crisis after another and the stress was huge.
After they moved into a care home, the decluttering cost DH and siblings more time, money and stress than I wish to think about.
I never want to inflict that type of avoidable stress on my children at a time when they should be focusing on their own families and careers and trying to enjoy life.
I'm determined to downsize to something single story and managable in my 60s.

adding-

• list of people and contact details to be informed of death and/or invited to funeral
• talk to your children about what you want. Before you totally declutter check what they might like. Don’t throw out photos!
• make sure you organise for your life insurance pension etc to be written into trust for your beneficiaries so it bypasses the estate and goes direct to them

Know when to give up driving.
Easy to maintain property, level access shower, no thresholds between lounge, bedroom and shower/toilet. Easy level access in and out of property. Declutter. Use a careline. No thick carpets, non slip laminate flooring (easier to use walking aids, wheelchairs, wipe up urine) Really good lighting as our vision nosedives as we age. Contrasting colours help with visual loss and dementia.

@wonkylegs I am going through similar. We are beginning to sort POA for DM over DF. I was put as a back up.should DM become incapable of managing it. The drama that unfolded when DB found out was something to behold! Due to this the POA was torn up and DM has no control over DF finances at all. I was accused of all sorts and tbh there is no going back after some of the things were said. It was explained I didn't have POA, I was a back up only, that there was no financial benefit etc unfortunately DB is a bit thick and assumes everyone is like him and out for themselves.

The mention of POA sends shivers down my spine now, I know it needs to be done but I refuse to be involved. The problem is DB wants to be involved but is idle, he wants his name on the paper but we all know he would not assist in any way at all hence he was not included before.

I have begged my DM to get a proper will not the one she has on a scrap of paper and get her LPA done however she wants but please do this properly. I am absolutely dreading having to deal with all this anyway but know DB will make it 100 times worse just for the hell of it.

Move to somewhere they can manage when they can't manage the stairs.

ie no steps to the front door, downstairs loo and downstairs sleeping area

I just dealt with the "last death" of the previous generation in my family.

For me some great things mum did in her last years:

• write out as much of the family tree as she could and talk me through it

• hand write all the family favourite recipes in a lovely book I can treasure

• leave me a lovely note telling me how proud you are and some of your favourite memories from your life and your hopes and wishes for the future of our family.

• leave your Christmas card list somewhere prominent so I can try to write to your many, many friends and let them know you died

• declutter sensibly but don't chuck everything out. Let me know if you are holding onto an item because it belonged to granny or was a treasured souvenir from your honeymoon. You don't have to say "keep it if I die" but at least make sure i know why I might wish to.

• go through "sentimental paperwork" if you can face it. I found my mum had kept too much - old passports, ration books, baby advice leaflets from the 70s, EVERY SINGLE school report and piles of school-related bumpf, and thousands of greetings cards and photos. It was utterly heart-breaking having to sort through and throwing 90% of it away.

• Bills and statements. If you have gone with online billing PLEASE keep a folder with account/policy details -note down WHEN you last updated the list so if you forget to update it at least I know how cold the trail is.

• paper work. My mum kept hard copy of every single bank statement, cheque stub and all paper bills - in case I needed to "look back ten years for tax or IHT" - but she had no process for culling the oldest years so it ended up she just kept EVERYTHING and the notes were undated so I couldn't work out which investment funds and accounts were still active.

• have one single file that is labelled "emergency/end of life". It should talk about any funerary arrangements or insurance you have in place; your wishes for your funeral and remains; where to find the original Will. I also found it incredibly helpful that my mum had left a folder of her own thoughts, Bible passages, favourite poems and songs/music- not for her funeral but to help me weather the bereavement. It was a bitter-sweet thing to find, but as I ploughed through the administrative nightmare of her death, listening to music she loved and reading her notes on how to care for the rose bushes, it felt like she was still with me a while longer. Cathartic as I knew she was prepared for her mortal life ending and had considered how I would cope and how she could help.

Things she didnt do I wish she had:

• tell me if things in the house are broken, even if I seem busy and unable to help please tell me so I can try. I'd rather know that the blind in the kitchen is bust and won't stay shut to the bottom and the shower head isnt working quite right any more. Most devastatingly, I wish I'd known you didnt have the strength to change your duvet cover, and had been simply lying the duvet between a sheet and a duvet cover.

DH and I have been decluttering since LD1, we've given a lot furniture, china, family bits and pieces to the DC. It has been lovely seeing everything in its new home. We just thought why wait until we die, why not give to them now. So we have.

Luckily I had sat down with my father before he died and written the names, approximate date and place on lots and lots of family photos. I have also been writing down all family stories / history I can remember being told from being a child until my parents and family died. I've been sharing stories and photos with my cousins and SiLs.

@Popaholic

My mother left me, my sis and my two DC handwritten books of all her favourite recipes. It's a lovely thing to have.