What do you wish that your parents has put in place when they were still fit and healthy?

[Mumwantingtogetitright]

Currently trying to support an elderly relative (not a parent) with dementia. It's very challenging, because there is no PoA in place, she can't remember security passwords etc on any of her accounts and so on. It is getting sorted but it has been hard. I wish that she had put things in place earlier before it got so bad.

In the meantime, another friend of mine has been acting as an executor for his father's will. He has had a horrendous time, wading through reams and reams of paperwork, trying to locate different documents etc. It sounds so stressful.

All of this has got me thinking about what I might need to put in place in order to minimise the burden on my dd when dh and I get to that stage of life. Sorting out PoA is obviously one, but I wondered what else we should start doing to get our affairs in order and make things easier for dd when the time comes. Is there anything your parents did that was helpful? Anything that you wish they had done?

TIA

Going though similar with PIL, both have been put into homes due to health conditions. But there is no PoA, no one can access banks, pay bills, sell the house that needs to be sold to pay for care costs.
I have been telling all my friends to get PoA for parents as this is a nightmare and a costly one.

Had the conversation with my parents this week, they are putting PoA in place next week. I'm dreading any thoughts of sorting out their house. It's full of stuff!
I plan to give my kids POA as soon as it's possible and will have all paperwork sorted.

If your parents own a business make a decision about what happens when they die. DF was in the antiques trade. We did a few fairs after he died but we had little knowledge or inclination to continue with it and probably sold the stock for a fraction of its worth.
Take photos of valuable jewellery to accompany the will if they are to be divided between various family members.
If their property is a private rental find out who the landlord/agent is. We had a family member living at the far end of the UK who had rented privately for over 50 years. We had one weekend free to clear the house when she went into care and trying to track down her landlord was a nightmare. In the end we redirected the post and cancelled all her standing orders/direct debits and wait for a response.

My mum died suddenly, before she could be described as elderly. But she had a lot of secret bank accounts and my dad has had to go round all the banks with the death certificate asking if she has an account with them! So simplifying bank accounts etc would be my advice.

Its awful isnt it. I know just how you feel.

Also ask them what music / songs / flowers / coffin they want. That helps.

My mother wrote down her funeral wishes when she was barely 70. The hymns she wanted, specified she didn't want coffin carried.
My sisters would STILL be arguing about the format if she hadn't done this!

My husband has written a guide for our executors/each other
Details assets, including where house deeds are kept.
All bank accounts.
Pension plans, with reference numbers
Contact details for our solicitor, investment manager.
Contact details for all beneficiaries of Will.
Basically everything you need to deal with our estate after our deaths.

A list of where the money is so you know who to contact
Special family stuff if there's any. Medals etc. anything else special so it doesn't accidentally get chucked out.
Birth and marriage certificates.
Anything they'd like done at their funeral.
I had 12 days with my DDad before he passed - we knew he was dying - and some we knew about, other stuff we didn't. It was a great help.
I know they say you shouldn't do this, but I kept a note of all his passwords so they wouldn't get forgotten.

All utilities bills so you can contact them easily without trying to be a detective of who they are with.

Phone, broadband, mobile company.

All savings accounts including old ones and any bonds and investment accounts. Bank cards so they can't be used fraudulently.

Location of keys. Some people have safes for jewellery or important documents.

Pensions.

Insurances so you know who to contact for house, car etc. For the house if that person dies you can get them to continue to insure the house whilst you deal with the estate/probate.

Also documents like passports, driving licenses, car log book. For things like passports and IDs it is important that you can locate them and destroy them if they are no longer needed as I understand it helps to stop fraudulently use by others.

Wills and hopefully they will have discussed wishes with the executor.

(I didn't have to worry about this for DM) passwords, email accounts etc.

It's amazing how much paperwork there is to deal with either as a POA or an executor. My DM told me about everything which made it so much easier to deal with when she went into a care home under end of life careand then quickly as the executor of her will.

To my last post.

Does someone know where to find all the documents they would need to either take over your life from a POA point of view or wrap up your life as an executor?

You should feel no guilt about ordering a very large skip.

I'm actually doing all this now, I'm getting my house ready to go on the market in the next couple of months so I'm doing a radical declutter. I declutter every few years so it's not too bad but we're moving from two houses into one bungalow so this time it's radical. DP is doing the same at his house, it's a lot of work, I can understand why an older person would be apprehensive about tackling it.

I'm in my 40s but have health problems and so does DP so it makes sense to do this now and get settled into a suitable bungalow while we still working and have options, rather than waiting until we have to move and dealing with this then. We can buy a property now that needs a new kitchen for example, but someone my mothers age is likely to be less keen on tackling bit jobs like that. My MIL struggled to find a bungalow that was ready to move into and in her price range.

All my important paperwork is in one filling box but it's due a sort out, I find it useful to have one place to put things together and it's easier to find, but before I move I'm going to go through it and move everything onto a concertina folder with labels.

Making sure things like utilities are in joint names is something I learned when getting divorced, the last thing you want to be doing when your partner dies or loses capacity is dealing with companies like BT who want to speak to the account holder. I've added DD to things like pets insurance policies.

Making sure they have a current account. My friend used cash for everything and had a pass book. It took 18 months to sort out a current account, when he had to go into care. It was so stressful that I've still not entirely forgiven him. And he isn't even my parent!

My grandmother had mostly filled in this book which my parent have subsequently bought and partially filled in. It basically takes you through all sorts of things to consider - including who needs to be told, where any money is banked, what they would like to happen etc.

I've been writing this message for ages now, so off to read what people have posted in my absence!

POA is essential but passwords were a big stumbling block as dad had capacity when he died and mum has dementia. She can’t remember her own account details let alone accounts he set up for her. A year after his death I think we’ve finally found everything!
Clear out the clutter! 15 years worth of household accounts stored in no particular order made it difficult to find things like my mums National Insurance number.

My friend who is in her 70s has had similar problems after the death of her husband. Everything was on his computer and she is barely computer literate. It took a lot of unraveling.

My father's wishes were like the three day funeral games of a Roman Emperor.

Just a central folder with all the info about accounts, pensions insurances, utility providers, passports etc and any passwords for online stuff. I have it all ready if I die but my relatives dont seem to have it ready in reverse.

Plus a list of any family items of importance.

My friend who is in her 70s has had similar problems after the death of her husband. Everything was on his computer and she is barely computer literate. It took a lot of unraveling.

I do all the household admin, set up accounts etc and find I am constantly reminding DH of where all the documents are. They are all together but I am not even sure he knows we have insurances that would pay out for accidents etc despite telling him each year when I renew them.

I wish my DM had forewarned me that when she needed care I would be expected to provide it, despite having a disabled DH and an adult DC with learning disabilities who required a lot of support and that my DB would not need to do any.

Also that even if her bungalow no longer met her needs , on no account would she leave her home town, then I wouldn't have spent ages looking at assisted living flats and managing to get her a place at one near me.

Please remember to get details such as passwords to phones, Facebook, email accounts as well as iTunes, Spotify, Netflix etc.

DH and I did POA nominating our DC once they were 18.
Mum had POA in place long before it was needed. In fact we never needed the financial one as she was fully capable to the end. She gave me all her passwords and PINs so I could draw cash for her and pay bills though.
Having dealt with estates and houses for my mother and MIL the de-cluttering is obvious.
We kept a handful ofmum's photos that's all. Everything else, furniture, textiles, kitchen ware etc was given to a local charity who were very grateful for it.

My father's wishes were like the three day funeral games of a Roman Emperor.
😂Same here for mum.
The biggest most useful thing my mother did was a very detailed plan for her funeral. Right down to hymns, readings, poems, who reads what, colour scheme, the photos to be used on the program. It all mattered to her (personally they can just put me in the bin) and saved DSIS and I a lot of angst. Sadly covid intervened and the send off was not quite as planned.

Our financial affairs are way more complicated and I have a big spreadsheet.
Lists all investments, passwords, annual income, tax, pensions.
Also a list of utility providers.

Oh yes!
I had all these for mum, I went in and locked her FB account (she was 86) and kept an eye on emails for a year.
She had hundreds of kindle books on her Amazon account. Apparently you don't own them so I was unable to retrieve them legally.

It would have saved a lot of strife in DH's family if MIL had got all her DC together to allocate the family treasures amongst them. As it was, some furniture one wanted was sold by mistake, there was an epic uproar about some ornaments and there has been prolonged sulking in some quarters that 'Well, she got that, but everyone knew I wanted it.' No, they didn't, plus you took a van-load anyway.

So I plan to get my DC all in one place and make a note of who wants what that they're all happy with, and put it with my will.

Poa, advance decision, will with sensible choice of executors (regularly reviewed) , list of passwords, up to date address book, documents all in one place.

Echo everything that has been said in this thread

slightly off tangent. Having been through this with my grandmother (who I was very close to) and my parents I wish I had been firmer with everyone about preparation. As you get older you get more resistant to change (and grumpy and anxious). which I understand but It made everything so much more difficult. And probably marred the final years I had with them. OMG the house clearances were awful.

I have vowed to make my later life much easier for my kids. Even down to finding suitable accommodation to live in so I’m not a burden. I want to enjoy my final years with them enjoying my company.

If you had the account detail - email and password details. You can simply transfer the account between persons. No need to tell them of any death.