What do you wish that your parents has put in place when they were still fit and healthy?

[Mumwantingtogetitright]

Currently trying to support an elderly relative (not a parent) with dementia. It's very challenging, because there is no PoA in place, she can't remember security passwords etc on any of her accounts and so on. It is getting sorted but it has been hard. I wish that she had put things in place earlier before it got so bad.

In the meantime, another friend of mine has been acting as an executor for his father's will. He has had a horrendous time, wading through reams and reams of paperwork, trying to locate different documents etc. It sounds so stressful.

All of this has got me thinking about what I might need to put in place in order to minimise the burden on my dd when dh and I get to that stage of life. Sorting out PoA is obviously one, but I wondered what else we should start doing to get our affairs in order and make things easier for dd when the time comes. Is there anything your parents did that was helpful? Anything that you wish they had done?

TIA

My neighbour developed terminal cancer and died. His wife cared for him at home and it was very tough.

Duiring his long illness his wife had her own painful medical problems, non life threatening but requiring corrective surgery. She said she would get it sorted out after he died. He said "No; I want you to get it done now so I know you're well again . I don't want you undergoing surgery when you're alone and grieving with no support. I have spoken to our Dr and arranged go into respite care while you're in hospital." So, she had her surgery and he spent a few weeks in respite care before coming back home.

Unknown to her, he spent those weeks making all his own death arrangements,.
He put everything in a big brown envelope marked "open when I die".

Inside the envelope, she found his Will. Plus typed letters (and stamped addressed envelopes) to every bank, insurer, business contact, old friend etc etc who needed to be notified. All she had to do was write in his date of death, sign them and post.He had also made (and paid for) all burial arrangements with the local undertaker, written his own funeral service, arranged with a local hotel to provide refreshments after. He had also collected together all the paper work required to register the death ; all that was missing was the death certificate.

We filled 3 of them when we cleared out our parents HA house back in 2020. We also paid someone to remove all the garden waste. Cost a blooming fortune.

Re photos - I got my Mum to tell me who was who in all the photos, and videoed her doing it - just the finger pointing, and her talking.
Of course I haven't felt up to watching any of them BUT they are backed up in multiple different safe places.

My uncle's house contents were all taken to either the charity shop or the tip, with a very few exceptions, unless you're leaving a stately pile filled with antiques no one wants your stuff when you go, except jewellery and a few sentimental items.

Pets are important to remember, they need including in wills and it's a good idea to add whoever is likely to take them to their insurance policy so it can be continued and any ongoing conditions will be covered.

I sort of feel like that. my children do not clear up after themselves and it destroys me so I sort of don't care if they have to clear up after I'm dead. my lovely son also stole nearly a grand and counting from me so he won't be getting my passwords. I wish everyone well tho

POA
Up to date will
IHT planning
List of any investments/shares/bank accounts.
Decluttering
I am doing all of this so my DC won't have to.

Plans for what they would do when they can’t cope with the house.

I wish FIL hadn't been a hoarder, and in total denial about his Alzheimer's. Took us days and weeks to sort out his home(s) - one he had abandoned when it got too full of junk and when he finally went into nursing care we had to clear them both. Not helped by the fact that dh and I are in Scotland and FIL lived in Belfast. He has no other family except for dh's brother who lives on the west coast of Canada and is estranged from his dad.

Also wish he'd put a PoA care in place. Financial is his partners son as he's there on the ground (dh is very thankful for this!) but there's no care provision so dh is having to do it all in conjunction with the financial PoA, as dh is NOK.

We went to visit FIL this weekend and there was no chance of anything approaching a conversation with him, his dementia is so far advanced now, and he's only 77. Poor dh is really upset, but we're doing all we can.

An index of what they think is in the estate - shares, accounts, life insurance policies etc. A list of large cash gifts so you don’t have to trawl through bank statements. if you close an account or sell shares - make a note CLOSED/ Sold on any retained documents. Plus a copy of pre-deceased spouse’s final grant of probate and HMRC forms.

I absolutely loved finding letters from my mum to me, explaining why she kept things. I loved finding a folder of poems and prayers she left, to help me reflect on the difficulty of losing her and how to face forward. A note of which charities she wanted donations to, and so on.

Usual things like will, POA, declarer, funeral areangement preferences, details of finances etc. A key safe was a godsend as MIL is bedbound.
But another area was, as they got older ensuring they get all of the allowances and help they were entitled to. Based in Ireland. Nobody seems to tell you, you find out these things you're as you go alo g and sometimes have to fight for them.

1. My MIL should have had a medical card (Ireland -free doctors and prescriptions).
2. Public Health Nurse- have an assessment of needs done. It takes time.
3. Respite -free service in Ireland - 1 month (2 ×2 weeks in a nursing home free).
4. Alzheimer's Nurses - Free
5. Meals on wheels (pay for this)

All of this. I also intend to prepay/have written instructions for my funeral.

Access to all online accounts. I set up an online service which my kids, DH or whoever get access to when I die. It has all the information they need in it. I chose readings and hymns for funeral. Wishes. Copies of POA etc. All in one place.

Lots of good practical advice here, which I wish I’d had before my mum got ill and had to move to a care home for the last few years of her life. I always felt like we were trying to catch up on organising everything.

I would definitely add getting names on photos (what a lovely idea of a PP to video their mum going through photos, even if the videos are hard to watch now) and a list of friends with their contact details - we struggled a bit with letting people know.

It’s interesting to see the contrast between comments on downsizing and decluttering on here (from people who have presumably gone through this with their elderly parents/ relatives), and the comments on the thread about downsizing where people are insistent they need a four-bedroom house even after their children have left home, and shouldn’t have to get rid of any of their belongings.

Try and encourage them not to retire somewhere with no bus service or shops or other facilities. Absolutely fine to be in a nice village when you'can drive, complete nightmare when you're suddenly told that you can't due to a terminal illness. This happened to my father and made his final year or so very complicated.

This for sure. My MIL lives in a 2nd floor flat with no lift. She refuses to consider moving but it won't be long before she's effectively a prisoner

Have you heard of Biscuit Tin? It's an online (and I think app) service that helps with a lot of the documentation stuff talked about here. Scottish businesswoman is behind it.

I would like to know where my mum would have liked her ashes scattered. She had dementia so at the end we couldn't have this conversation. My father was scattered in their back garden decades ago, but this is now a housing estate so not appropriate now. She's currently in my dining room in a cupboard.

So helpful!
I've made a list (1 side of A4!) from all the PP responses on here and have scheduled getting my backside into gear for my personal and legal admin next week! 😉

It’s very helpful to arrange with your relative to give the GP surgery permission to allow you to make appointments, check results, follow up referrals to hospitals, arrange routine check ups, manage medication prescriptions, etc.

Similarly, if they are attending hospital as an in- or outpatient, relatives can authorise them to speak to you.

It is helpful to be able to clarify things with GP and hospital if relative becomes ill or just simply overwhelmed with ill health and confusion or anxiety, you can then speak on their behalf which is often beneficial to the medics as you might give a better picture of what your relative’s problems, symptoms or needs are. Often elderly people ‘don’t like to be a bother’, or to ‘cause a fuss’ and lose judgement or objectivity about their circumstances.

When first managing my recently widowed Father affairs when he was quite poorly and incapable of managing his own affairs, I set up an email address and switched banking and bills to online so that I could manage them for him from afar. This also relieved him of fretting each time a bill landed on the doormat. Similarly, I added his credit card details to my Amazon and Tesco accounts so that I can order anything he needs. Every month I show him the spending and make sure he has cash to pay the window cleaner, etc. so he still feels involved, but doesn’t have the worry and responsibility. He “helps” me with the monthly credit card bill reconciliation so feels he is still in control with me doing his admin. My 2 sisters are happy with this arrangement and help in more practical ways as I live too far away, so it’s a good balance between us sharing out the job of supporting him.

My parents both died very suddenly at a relatively young age in close proximity (covid). I was grateful they had up to date wills and I knew where they were stored, that they had written down the hymns they wanted at their funerals and that they had a list of all their bank accounts and income. They’d also recently decluttered in anticipation of an impending move. They did both sign POA while they were in hospital but passed away before they were registered. Fortunately they were both able to express their wishes about ventilation / DNR while they were still able to.

Moving houses and down sizing. They still haven't done this

Too much clutter

oh and access to their mobiles and emails was important. I needed to be able to inform their friends (whose contact details weren’t written down) and was able to identify additional things they had on contract that way.

My mum had surgery and didn't come around from the anaesthetic for 3 days, during that time the doctors warned us we may have to make some difficult decisions about what to do if she was in a persistent vegetative state.

She eventually came round but this prompted me to make an advance decision, if I am ever in that state (or otherwise lose capacity) I want my loved ones to know what I want to happen - Compassion in Dying have a free step by step website for setting it up.

It's a personal thing though - my Mum doesn't wish to set one up for herself and that's absolutely her right, hopefully we won't be in a position where one is useful but if we are we will do our best.

I wish they had gone through all the ancient black and white photos going back to the beginning of the 20th century, and written the names of the people on the back.

I've got photos of my family from over 100 years ago. I don't know who is who, and there is nobody left alive to ask.

My mother has an envelope in certain place in her house. Within that is a copy of her will, and various notes of other things such as what banks she uses, what insurances, notes of a few specific things that are not to be included in her estate - why and who they should go to etc. (Sentimental rather than valuable). I do not know the full contents of this envelope and have said I do not want to - I just need to know its there.

My MIL had a prepaid funeral with the co-op. That was fabulous. It was all set up, what she wanted etc. So all we had to do was activate it and add the flowers... so much easier than having to work out what she wanted. You can do a plan for this even if you don't want to pay for it at this point.

POAs definitely a must. I took over MILs admin maybe a year before she died (DH and BIL had POA) and I set up an email address and had all her bills etc sent there. (That way DH and BIL could access too if they were bothered- don't think they did!)

I wouldn't worry too much about sharing passwords as most companies won't talk to you even with passwords, (if you have POA you are set up with your own for banks etc) and have a specific dept for dealing with deaths where they take instructions from next of kin etc. You can't remove funds from banks using a dead person's login as that leaves you open to problems- even if you are the next of kin etc it has to be done through the proper channel. That said access to your email/phone would be helpful if you are 'dependant' on them... not so much of an issue with many older folks.