I want to throw in the towel please help

[LeeMucklowesCurtains]

I’m sorry if this is disjointed and makes no sense.

My dad has been in a care home since December last year, vascular dementia.

The place he’s in is £1200 a week. He’s got a flat to sell that’s on the market for 125 and about 40k in savings.

He moved to the home hes in a couple of months ago, he was in another home at first that the local authority put him into after the hospital admission where he was finally diagnosed with dementia after I had to put up a fight (he was quite far gone, but despite that, medical professionals kept telling me he was fine).

That home was awful, they were shut for a month due to covid so we couldn’t see him. When we did, he had lost stones in weight, he was covered in sores and bruises.

We found somewhere better and he’s gained all the weight back there and is doing better.

We were trying to set up deferred payment, I don’t know what happened but things have been lost in translation with the finance side and they called sent me an invoice for the 12,000 he owes since being there and said they would start legal proceedings if it wasn’t paid.

I managed to sort that out and we are speaking to them again trying to set up deferred payment (I took my eye off the ball as I’ve been going through cancer investigations) but I’m so confused going forward.

Going with the care home as it’s interest free for deferred payment rather than the council.

His flat has been on the market 6 weeks, I’m terrified something will go wrong and it won’t sell. The market here is awful.

When I was speaking to them today I was asking about worst case - he doesn’t get the money etc.

Apparently I signed a form as guarantor. I can’t remember what I signed, it was the day before a scan I was having and I was terrified and my dad was sat in the room screaming and hallucinating and I just wanted him moved in there and out of the place that had neglected him.

My husband has hit the roof over that, what if something went wrong and we lost the little we do have because of my dad.

We’ve only just managed to buy our first house in our 40s with a massive struggle, we don’t have a pot to piss in to be frank, what if they came after me for money?

I’m so stressed that honestly, at this moment i just want to revoke the power of attorney, call adult social care and make it their problem. They can move him where they like, sell his house and keep all his money, I can’t do this anymore.

I don’t know what I am doing, I am so sick and it’s all just me, no one will explain anything or help me. Everyone just wants things from me all the time.9

I’ve not even done anything about stuff like his council tax, I don’t know how to sign his shit old car over to me. I need to keep it as it’s all he talks about all the tim and if he didn’t see it on my drive once a week when he comes here, it would cause him so much distress.

He only completed on his flat in December. The sale of his last place and buying this flat near me took almost a year because of the other people in the chain messing around - he was showing no signs of dementia when he was first moving here, he deteriorated so fast. so land registry isn’t even in his name yet which is what caused the problems with the care home and the deferred payment - they didn’t believe it was his to sell. I’ve sent them relevant paperwork.

Everything is such a huge mess and I don’t know what to do. I can’t cope with it all and seeing him like this.

I’ve spoken to three solicitors who have all told me different things too.

And age U.K. which is who everyone recommends to talk to we’re all but useless and told me something different to everyone else too.

Sorry, I am just struggling and literally no one could give a shit.

All anyone cares about is getting their fucking money and I feel like I’m drowning.

He needed to prove he’s got two years fees, which he has on paper.

But everything has gone to shit for me, I’m so scared the flat won’t sell, or it will be at a huge loss a and then they will come after me for money.

I'm sorry , I don't have any advice about the fees.
I Just understand how stressful it all is and hope you get it sorted out soon.

How overwhelming. No wonder you're at the end of your tether.
One thing at a time.
Your Dad is safe.
Once the flat sells the finance side is sorted.
Is it the new care home pressing you for payment? Presumably this is being pursued because of the snag with the Land Registry. They might be worried that they have taken on someone who can't pay. Have you got a solicitor handling that, or a timeline from the Land Registry?
Given how quickly your Dad has declined, maybe a call to Adult Social Services might be worth doing?
There may be services or benefits he could access through them.
Have you had the results for your own tests?

can you ask to see all the paperwork? They may be bluffing.
He has the flat as an asset and savings so enough for now.
He should have an adult social worker, and the CAB maybe worth consulting.
Youve been through a lot recently and hopefully could argue you weren’t made aware of what you were signing.

Is he getting attendance allowance and all other benefits he’s entitled to.
ring the council and explain why his flat is empty and some councils will allow a few months break from paying.
the water company won’t charge you if the house is empty.
not sure about gas and electricity but worth asking the suppliers

Adult social care don’t give a crap because he’s self funding.

They we’re only involved because he was unsafely discharged from hospital. They guilt tripped me into taking him home (back to my house as before he completed on the flat he now owns, he was 3 hours away). That night he set ire to my kitchen and almost killed us sleeping upstairs.

So they finally agreed something was wrong with him, got a diagnosis when he was in hospital for smoke inhalation and found him a place in a care home with them funding a re ablement package for 8 weeks. As soon as their funding was up, they discharged him from social worker as he’s a self funder.

I can afford a solicitor. I’ve only spoken to the few I could find who deal with this under a free half hour.

I haven’t spoken to land registry, assume who ever the solicitor the estate agent has found will do all that - I know I sound passive but I am not coping with anything.

I’m still having some tests.

I trying to apply for attendance allowance but i
don’t know his national insurance number. He burned all his documents as he was paranoid someone would take all his money.

Thankfully his passport and driving licence were in his car or selling his house would be even more of a headache.

He never actually moved into his flat. So nothing has been set up there yet.

I don’t know what to do about anything.

I’m a bit thick incase no one noticed, which doesn’t help things.

You make perfect sense, and you post oozes stress and anxiety. I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed.

It sounds like the Finance side of the Carehome probably has a chugging admin process spewing out payment reminders which doesnt take account of your deferred payment in the pipeline. That's not surprising. I wouldnt be surprised if they ask again in a few months. See if they can put a note on your account, but if they can't just accept: rubbish idiot system, NOT likely to go legal on you. ( I've had to tell TV Licensing three times that my mum is dead - despite using the "Tell us Once" service!).

Regarding being Guarantor, I would arrange to speak to the Carehome director and explain you did not appreciate the significance of that document and would not have signed it if you had fully appreciated its significance. Ask what's required to remove your name as Guarantor. Maybe they want a lump sum in advance or something g - so when you sell the house you could organise that, and then you can tell your DH you've got a plan to exit the Guarantee arrangement.

I'm currently in a not dissimilar position with my late mum's estate being bogged down in tasks that make no sense, forms that are unnecessarily complicated and emotionally wanting to avoid even thinking about it, and feeling really alone. I broke down a month ago because, 6 months on, the mountain just seems bigger than ever and I didnt feel like I had any support. I got some help, even just a little bit of help made me think I had someone interested in my own wellbeing.

Make a list of all the things you think you need to do. Pick one item on the list to do each day during your lunch hour. And make a folder with all your notes and documents in, putting your list at the front of the file. Whenever you have a phone call or meeting, add the details to your notes.

You will feel a lot more in control and probably the jobs won't seem so daunting.

You're not 'a bit thick' you're overwhelmed

I might be missing something but if he's got 40k in savings, can't that be used?

This type of situation is stressful, without the added cancer scare as well. Placing a relative in a care home ranks as one of the most stressful things along death of a loved one, divorce or moving house. So take a breath. Draw up a list of things you need to do, eg

1. So your Dad's flat is on the market - that's good. Give it another 2 weeks and if there's no interest - ask your agent for their advice and maybe move to another agent.
2. sort out the council tax. You can probably do this by phone or thru the council's website
3. ask the care home for a copy of all the paper work. Maybe you didn't sign as guarantor....?
4. is your DF receiving attendance allowance and mobility allowance ? If not claim - will help towards the care home fees.
5. the car - think you're going to sell it and put the money towards the care home fees. I know is not ideal but i think a small white lie to your Dad is in order, I know i know, but there is only so much you can do. Tell him it's in the garage for repair / got stolen.
6. ask ss for an assessment of your Dad. However if he has assets over £23k they will not contribute at all, but it's worth asking for the assessment as he may qualify for NHS nursing care benefit due to the severity of his condition and again it's worth it for the fees. This one's not means tested, it depend purely on the person's health condition. So my mum gets the max, as she can't feed herself, wanders at night, doubly incontinent, - well you get the picture.
7. Honestly I'd go with the local authority for deferred payment even if they are charging interest. look at the interest as a service charge for doing all the admin.

I'm sorry you found Aged UK useless, we found them very helpful. there's a number on their national website which offers personal advice for financing care homes - I'm tempted to say I would accept the word of Aged UK over that of any solicitor in regard to anything to do with paying for care homes, as it's their full time day job.

Don't beat yourself up over this - it's a stressful time and you have health worries too

Ps if you have any good ideas how to clear a house full of personal effects of my entire family over many generations (mum was the last of my family), I'd love to have some tips! I keep getting stuck in box after box of memorabilia. Taking forever!

Honestly, everything I touch turns to shit in this situation.

I just want to run away from it.

We should have just sold his flat and not bought the new one. Then this wouldn’t be happening.

But at the time, no one would believe he had dementia. Everyone was telling me he was fine when he was hallucinating everyday, speaking to my dead mother like she was in the room, not knowing who he was or where he was, what year it was.

He had been staying with me for two months and it was getting harder to keep my young children safe. My husband was going to move out with them to his parents house, that’s how bad it was and I was desperate not to be apart from my baby. The the situation was intolerable and my dad wouldn’t have willingly gone to a home. But by the time the flat completed, he had deteriorated so much he needed 24 hour care.

My husband has put up with so much and he’s done so much, he almost lost his job last year having to go up and down 6 hour round trip to my dad when people called us to say he was screaming in the street, he tied to get him help but no one would listen to us and all HCP said he was completely fine.

He’s so angry that I apparently signed a garentour form without realising.

You're not thick. This is a totally overwhelming situation - your Dad's ill. Care home finance is a minefield.

Here's the .gov website link for finding a lost NI number.

I like lollylol's ideaor removing yourself as guarantor if at all possible

He had burned it all.

Only things left were clothes and boxes of old, hoarded cables.

You are overwhelmed and your husband is a prince amongst men.

That would be a deal breaker for me.

No garentor, no care home place. I asked. He would have to move out with immediate effect. There is no one else.

No, they called me and said they would be starting legal proceedings. So it wasn’t just a generated letter.

Have you got POA? Can you pay the fees out of his savings for now until the flat sells ?

As you have financial poa can you access his savings to pay the outstanding bill. You need proof of the outstanding amount, his contract, any contribution he is entitled to like fnc, pension, attendance allowance.

No, I understand dh entirely.

Other way round, I’d be fuming.

We only managed to finally buy a house after years of damp ridden rentals because he spent 5 years working over time, 13 hours a day, 6 days a week. And then he almost lost his job becuase
of all my dads problems last year, my dad set fire to the kitchen in our final rental which almost jeopardised us finally buying this house, he was putting our children at risk of harm.

If that was my FIL, i’d feel the same.

I can’t do anything at the moment.

Another snag is, I applied for POA for his bank-
tbey have messed me around for
two months now. Still not sorted, bank account frozen. No one will speak to me. Just an email address. They keep saying it’s being processed.

His ni number may be on the poa forms if you have a cooy and can also be found theough his g.p which the carehome should know.

You need to arrange an appointment at his bank and set up the POA so you can start paying his fees out of his own money. Once you've done that, use some of his money to pay for a solicitor to sort out why his property's not registered in his name at Land Registry (same firm as did the conveyancing probably best).
Re the house, I'm going through the same currently with my late parents, take what you want and get a house clearance company in to deal with the rest.

First of all he has 40k of savings so use this money to fund the care home. You have POA so you can pay the bill. This should give you some breathing space.
Secondly, notify all the utility companies and council regarding your father's flat. Again you have POA so you can do this.
Then I would go through your father's paperwork to find his national insurance number. If you can't find itspeal to the DWP as presumably he is getting his pension. Again you have POA