Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

So interesting @countrygirl99 My DM has had the time of her life since going into assisted/sheltered accommodation earlier this year.

She made the decision to move because of physical frailty and I think felt it was a negative step but is has transformed her social life and she is actually far more physically active now too. Last time I spoke to her she was even considering Tai Chi, which would have been unthinkable this time last year.

It has been an eye opener for me too. She used to live in an area with lots of young people, kids and professionals. It was a lovely area but everyone was more able than her. Now she is sharing a space mostly with other very elderly people, an obvious (with hindsight) but unexpected benefit is that she is (by comparison) one of the most active and sparky which has boosted her ego no end.

I wish DM would consider assisted/sheltered accommodation. There is a really lovely one near us. But she has lived in her house for 60 years and considers it such a happy place that she’s always refused to move. Her two best friends live in bungalows at the other end of her village and for years my DF tried to persuade her to move into a bungalow in their street. No way was she moving. It would be great now as she’d have more company.
At least her house has a downstairs bathroom and we’ve moved her bedroom into the downstairs front room (she calls it the ‘parlour’) so it’s all on one level for her.
But I do think she misses out on the companionship she would get in the sheltered housing - I know they arrange a lot of social activities and she loves socialising.

BestIsWest my DM could have gone to live in her current care home after she had one of her falls pre-Covid -she went into a (different) care home for rehab for a couple of weeks and didn't hate it - I suggested we look and got some way with that before she rejected the whole idea. That would have been a good time for her to go but I was told at the time people don't go until a crisis happens, which turned out to be true.

BelleSauvage That's good if your relative has cheaper 24-hour care, I wonder if that is to do with medical as well as care needs? I only know of one family in the whole of my DM's area who managed to get 24 hour care at home funded, normally if you need more than 4 visits a day, the council will only fund residential care. My DM's care home is £1100 a week but the agency I would have wanted, who could provide 24-hour home care by the same carers, quoted nearly £1600 a week. My DM wouldn't have qualified for an NHS contribution.

(She's self-funding I should add)

Upsetting visit to DF today. He told my sister last night that I’d rung him and ‘screamed and sworn’ at him. She tried to reassure him that I’d never do such a thing, but he was still convinced today that I’d done it and was obviously hurt and upset. And of course when I tried to tell him that it was a dream, or the result of his UTI, he got very bewildered, saying ‘well how could it not be? it was your voice’. So difficult to know what to do - he’s been paranoid before but it’s always been about staff at the home, not family.

Can I join: mother is 88, has (still undiagnosed) dementia. She lives in London, I live in Dublin - I'm an only child and her only surviving relative (she's an only child too). It's been very hard - she's currently in hospital awaiting a capacity assessment as they won't discharge her without a care package, and she is refusing the care package. I'm more fun than all that sounds!!

Welcome to the club no-one wants to join @rhetorician. You can sit with @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere who is also looking at court of protection (I saw your other thread). You could say that you don't want to do it and social services will act, no-one can make you do it.

MIL had three or four care packages put in place after hospital discharges, they were free for the first six weeks. During that time she was eating regularly and taking all her medication and looked much better. As soon as payment was mentioned she decided she was fine and ended the service. There would be a slow decline due to her tea and biscuit diet and her stopping all her tablets, she'd eventually fall, be readmitted and it would start again. We went around that cycle far too many times. she was able to make what poor decisions she liked but we all had to live with the fall out from them. She never had a formal diagnosis of dementia as she refused to co-operate with the doctor after agreeing to the appointment.

Your mother has choices, she's had choices in the past too. Only child or not (I am one), this is not your problem to fix. The last two years of mum's life were hell for me, not for her because she couldn't see or remember the consequences of anything she did. I spent all my time managing her life, quite lilerally the only support I had was here. I read my journals from the time and can't believe that I functioned with the stress I was under with mum and MIL in denial about how independant they were. Don't be me, have some boundaries and decide what you can and can't do for the next four years. If you visit every other month don't be pressured into saying you'll come every weekend - be clear and firm about what is reasonable for you.

Your post has really affected me this morning @Knotaknitter - I had 3 years of hell (I used to be toofaroutallmylife), but looking back I don’t know what I would have done differently. I’m not an only child, but my sister (for good reasons) wasn’t able to help me, which somehow made it worse. Doing all that with a Full time stressful job, 2 kids (one of whom had surgery twice in that period) and cancer.

Last year, clearing and selling mum’s house, was brutal - the guilt was crippling, and I had to explain to mum what I did, which made her furious. Every time I visit her, I have to go through this again, being told things like “you’ve killed my dreams” and “I thought I had a family that loved me, but clearly I was wrong”.

Shes still alive, in a care home. She looks incredibly well, and I’m told she loves karaoke. I’ve had to disengage emotionally- I do still visit, but I’m afraid if she starts to get angry I leave.

The only way I managed to cope was through drinking heavily, so I’ve given up completely now. It’s very irritating that it came to that, but I am coping much better now I’m sober.

sorry - I just needed to get that out. Cockroach all!

@Knotaknitter - thank you for sharing your experience, which sounds quite similar to mine. My mother is utterly resistant to any help, particularly if she has to pay for it. But as the (lovely) dementia nurse pointed out, she is failing to recognise that I am providing that care. As I say, I've two kids, a full time job, a partner who doesn't drive - and I am lucky enough to have the resources to pay for a flight to the UK every 3 weeks, and to (touch wood) have good physical and mental health myself. Emotionally I haven't really processed this yet - there is a huge void at my back - but also my relationship with my mother hasn't always been good - hilariously () she keeps asking if she has any other daughters - presumably the ones who are better than me...

But your points about boundaries are very well made - I have sometimes felt a bit judged by medical staff for not being there 24/7. Luckily I know my mother would not want me to put my life on hold for her if she was of sound mind - and indeed, my mum walked away from her own mother who had early onset Alzheimer's...

The "tea and biscuits" diet rang bells @Knotaknitter - after a lifetime of rigidly patrolling her food intake (and mine) my mum lives on shortbread, tiramisu and hot cross buns...

@rhetorician We talk a lot here about family care being invisible, it preserves the ilusion of independence because you're just doing a few jobs while you are there on a social visit. It's not that your help is needed or anything. Once you start having professionals through the door then it's obvious that you've crossed the line into needing care.

In the later days I felt that mum preferred my sister even though I know I'm an only child. Mum thought I had a sister and two brothers because her memories were of her looking after four children. She was the eldest of five, I should have worked it out sooner but it took months to get to the bottom of "the other one". "Don't worry about it love, you have a day off. I'll ring the other one and get her to do it"

@Knotaknitter ah, that makes sense. She's thinking of her parents then - who had twin girls who died before my mother was born. It's all so sad

@rhetorician my mum never acknowledge the amount of help she needed at home. She told the social worker "She makes my meals and sometimes takes me shopping." She would also wax lyrical about my late aunt and how well she cared for their parents and great aunt and say that she could never do what my aunt had done. Yet she never realised that the care she needed was way in excess of what my aunt had provided. It is only now that it is recognised that she has dementia that I am able to come to terms with how she behaved. I still love her but I miss who she was.

We have managed to sort most of the bills now without the expense/stress of Court of Protection. It's a bit different for us I think because we have the same address as my mum. I have been assured by the Council (by email if not on paper) that I can continue paying money into mum's account to cover her bills that she paid on behalf of the whole household and they will not count it as income. We have also managed to switch utilities without her "permission" - very straight forward and we are paying a quarter of what we paid before.

Ah yes... The tea and biscuit diet, my mum currently exists on brioche chocolate chip buns and individual trifles... My dad takes himself to a cafe once a day ...

Mum still isn't talking to me and has phoned me once with the pretext that my dad was concerned about my husband so she felt she had to ring.

The conversation with the GP hasn't been mentioned again and it's like it never happened.
She's currently 'deciding' things are true according to her.. for example my sister let her know that she was away over the bank holiday weekend (which I knew because my sister and I now make sure we've got the correct version of events) by the time mum relayed it to me yesterday, my sister must have gone to see my brother abroad and just chosen not to say anything....

We just sit and wait for the crisis to hit... Though the comedy value in being told that my dad was definitely 'in shock' from having a hair cut and shave was very high...

DM is a savoury type - it’s cheese, crackers, crisps and ham sarnies. With the odd trifle.

I'm having a few days off, mostly acting as a taxi for DS2 and DIL while they are in the UK. DS has been here for 3 weeks as he came over for FILS funeral and it wasn't worth going back for a week until their long planned visit. Took DS to see mum a couple of days after the funeral, usual repetitive asking the same questions. Went up with DS and DIL a week later and she had completely forgotten that she had seen DS recently. We took her out for a mooch around Ely and a picnic in the cathedral grounds. Spoke to her about it the day before, in the morning as we left home, again having popped into the supermarket on the way and every time she had forgotten and was surprised to hear from me. We left the picnic in the car while we had a wander. Went back to the car to pick it up and she got in having completely forgotten about the picnic even though we were talking about it on the way back to the car park. When we took her back home she told DIL it was lovely to meet her - they've been together 8 years.
Went to visit MIL at the care home yesterday and discovered that she has taken to refusing her medication. We don't really know why as she can only make noises but we think she has given up on life without FIL. We were worried that would happen.
Feeling sorry for my DSs they lost both their grandads this year, DS1s partner lost her grandad last year and DILs gran is failing fast.

It’s tough isn’t it @countrygirl99 ? I went to see DM at the weekend, and was greeted by “Hello, I’m sure I should recognise you, but I’m afraid I don’t.” Bloody dementia

@Onewildandpreciouslife it's a barstard disease isn't it. The one bright spot is mum is completely unaware of the cosy of living crisis and fuel prices. She has a decent pension, doesn't do enough to spend it all now and has a Bert health stash of cash so she has no need to worry about bills. On top of that she has solar panels so for 6 months of the year her bills are peanuts anyway. But last autumn she obsessed about saving fuel and kept turning offher has boiler. Then she couldn't work out why the heating didn't come on and called out British Gas several times on top of the times DB1 went round and "fixed" it. DB1 is moving several hours away soon so I will be the nearest and I'm an hour away. She got over that obsession by Christmas and I'm hoping nothing triggers it again. DBs and I have a vow of silence on the matter.

These past few years I have thought increasingly about the Queen. Five years older than my DM, I was in awe of her physical and mental stamina. [For my Xmas, one of my DC got me a framed print that hangs beside my gas and electricity meters behind the storm doors. How poignant that positioning now.] I'm just glad she steered clear of dementia. One in two of us will have dementia I guess. I'm so glad for her she never gave her family any cause to look for a forum like this one. I was discussing with one of my DC last night that to be working on Tuesday yet slip away on Thursday was a very dignified way to go.

I am a staunch republican etc, but I must admit, I felt glad that she went so quickly. Who wouldn't want that?

I'm preparing myself to go and visit DM tomorrow. She always gets distressed when she sees me, cries, tells me she is isolated and nobody speaks to her in the care home to the point she thinks she's being held hostage. When questioned, the care home staff don't recognise that version and tell me she always wins at bingo. So I need to remember my skills of redirection - oh look, a squirrel.

@notaflyingmonkey that must be so hard for you, I do hope it's not too bad tomorrow. If she wins at bingo, she must be engaging with it and enjoying it and also probably most of the other activities on offer. Painful for you to have to hear her complaining like that though.

'Oh look a squirrel' is something I use in varying forms. I was taking my mother shopping over the summer. I would sit in the car due to being CEV and had asked her to get me a couple of readily available items. She ramped up with 'well, if they're not there, I won't be able to buy them, I can't buy what's not in the shop' on and on, never mind I was about to sit for an hour while she chose the perfect bottle of milk. Luckily I had my window open so could stick my head out and say 'oh look at the clouds' and was still admiring them, head hanging out, when she got out of the car, still ranting on 🙄.

She moves into the house a few doors opposite me on Monday, the house she bought behind my back. DD and I are dreading it. She got the keys on Wednesday so the three of us went to see it. It's a disgrace, just filthy throughout and in such a poor state of repair, both gardens overgrown and neglected, walls half-painted and the decking collapsed, I could go on. When she dropped the bombshell of her purchase, she told me it was 'perfect'. She's been complaining about it ever since Wednesday, but probably for the first time in her life, she has no-one else to blame. It's all very sad and part of me feels sorry for her, but at the same time, I don't feel inclined to help her with a move I would have resisted with all my might had she had the common decency to inform me about. I'm sure part of the allure of moving into our road was to be able to spy on us 24/7. This has really backfired, as the view from the sitting room at the front is just the side of the house opposite. This is the only window at the front other than a frosted one on the cloakroom. If she were to hang out of one of the upstairs windows, she can see our front door, not even our drive to track my arrivals and departures...

Thoughts and prayers for you on that one @Fantasea the living in such close proximity is bad enough, but the fact she'll be doing it with added martyrdom... as you say though, it's 100% on her. Will you be expected to help clear it?

I once booked my mum into a nearby B&B when I took the kids on holiday when they were little. It just made the whole thing toxic as she did nothing but criticise me, the kids, my DH etc. We ended up having a massive row which I think marked a significant shift for our relationship, as I'd tended to put up with it up until then.

@Fantasea What a relief your DM has an obscured view. What a relief that your absent Golden Sister who helped her with the property choice is able to field the calls. If your DM has a key to your house, be sure to change the locks. A new era beckons in n your relationship with your DM but hopefully you will be on the front foot from now on.
My DM, while incredibly frail, has remembered how to put food in her mouth again and fed herself some large chocolate buttons yesterday . For the last few months trying to give her a raspberry or a chocolate to put in her mouth has been impossible. Fed her loads of then in quick succession. Showed her my DB on FaceTime and she kissed the phone.
Different phases and stages for us all.

@notaflyingmonkey thank you for your kind words. Golden sister and I will have two properties to clear as she still owns the flat she bought when she first moved here and 'isn't in any rush to sell as prices are dropping'. I think she's planning on letting it and being a landlady at nearly 90, seriously, she is insane. I can completely relate to the shift in your relationship after having DM in such close proximity. When DM dropped the bombshell of her secret purchase, she was furious with me that I wasn't skipping with joy. We had a row later that day where I calmly told her how betrayed I felt and explained how she had gone behind my back. She snarked at me that she 'didn't need my permission'. That conversation marked the end of my relationship with her, very sad on one level, but it would have been something else had it not been that.

@Mum5net thank you too, no I've never given her a key to my house, what a relief. Interestingly, DM gloated to me on Friday that Goldentits is making a state visit today as 'she wants to see the new house' and also is 'TAKING her out to lunch', isn't she marvellous? She lives an hour away and last visited at the end of August last year 😮. DM is already preparing her excuses, she said she would come providing the weather was ok. Do any of you other ladies in the south know if we're forecast snow today 🤣?

It must have been a relief for you to see your DM be able to feed herself, so distressing for you. Also recognising your DB must have been lovely. My DF had dementia and to watch his decline was just dreadful.

@Fantasea it's been foggy here this morning, cleared now but maybe goldentits will have had to make an early decision.