Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Come and settle down on a sofa, tuck a throw round you, and cuddle a cushion. It’s not a cure-all but it helps.

Going back today, but I live 300 miles away so then it’ll be another 6 weeks before I’m back for more abuse! Well, there’s a silver lining! Where on earth was she if 300 miles is easier? Just remind yourself it’s early days, and she’ll settle. Good luck today

Dementia is a swine. I miss my Dad terribly but I am grateful every day that his death was a good one in many ways (Heart attack at home aged 82). Whereas seeing Mum’s slow decline (Alzheimer’s and arthritis) makes me sad every day. It’s a horrible thing.

We sat in her garden yesterday drinking tea and it was lovely. She was a good gardener in her day and she was a bit upset at the state of it so I’ve promised to take the secateurs and gloves and at least tackle the brambles.

I silently pray on an almost daily basis that mum will be taken off by a stroke like her own mum when the time comesor something equally quick.

Dad didn't have dementia as such but frailty and fairly cognitive decline for a couple of years was bad enough.

Today's Jubilee Celebrations descended into snarking before lunch and afterward hit a further low when L was brought up in conversation.

So it was an early pack up and now home about to have a nap with the unopened bottle of prosecco in the fridge for tomorrow night.

Oh Minty, that's so frustrating.

We went to see mum today - the home held an afternoon tea for residents and families. My son and daughter in law are here on holiday so we went and took my uncle as well. She was not really with us other than to say she was unhappy but just as we were leaving she grabbed my hand and she was crying asking about my oldest son. She wanted me "to tell the truth about what had happened to him and why he was missing." I was afraid to leave her upset so I rang him and put the phone to her ear and he said hello and told her he loved her so she settled down and I had to promise I would always tell her where the children were. There was only on couple out of five with me today but she was so worried about the oldest.

The home is lovely albeit run down but what was loveliest of all was watching the staff interact with the residents - putting a blanket around mum's shoulders and kissing her on the head when we were standing behind them and they were not doing it for show. I know mum is being looked after by people that care for her. That's all I can ask really.

Yup...more threats about disinheriting me if I don't get on board with their 'relationship'.

And she's started smoking again...

I'm sorry your mum was upset today hairbrush but good that you and your eldest were able to calm her and that witnessed such compassionate treatment by the staff.

Oh and apparently my dad would be angry and disappointed in me for my attitude as he gave her his blessing to move on with someone else.

I'm there..listening to you all..
Yesterday was hard . Mum was a true Royalist and was just starting to join in with the residents at the home. But she's on a ward (discharge lounge. only one other comatose lady yesterday when my DB visited). And no TV..Very sad imagining her in the care home v ward...

Oh what a horror she is @MintyCedricRidesAgain

You know that's bullshit

Must be so so hurtful though xxx

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that is really lovely for you to see such genuine care. DM has only been in her home 2 months and I had a few reservations. Last week, I rang the home to tell them I was taking her out for lunch. When I arrived, mum looked lovely. The carer had taken her back to her room after speaking to me, found her a nice outfit, put her jewellery on, applied make up on her and did her hair. I thought that was so kind and caring of them and made me think the few niggles I have with the CH are not worth worrying about. Not sure there is such thing as a perfect care home anyway.

@Marylou62 that must have been hard, my mum was on a ward for several weeks and I have no idea how they cope with the boredom.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain you need to call your mum's bluff regarding this constant threat of disinheriting you. This has been going on for years and she is using it to manipulate her. Stand up to her, keep those barriers in place and live your life how you want.

@BestIsWest DM was an avid gardener too which is partly why I chose the care home she is in now. They have a beautiful mature garden full of flowers and shrubs which Mum can still name. I take her out there regularly, it is very calm and peaceful.

I hope everyone else is okay and enjoying the long weekend.

@Marylou62 that's such a shame. It's hard when you know something could make them happier but it's not accessible. The garden of the CH dad was in was beautiful and overlooks the fields where we used to go walking when I was a kid/teenager. He got out there a couple of times in his first stay, but couldn't bear the hoist so was completely bed bound for the the last few weeks.

I'd have loved to have found a way to take him for a walk along the seafront in a wheelchair before it reached that point too but had to respect his wishes not to be manhandled, sadly.

@OnthePiste that so sweet that the CH staff made such an effort with getting your mum ready, how lovely. I hope you had a good time.

As for mum with the disinheriting...she doesn't get any reaction from me. It's a bit of a worry as I don't have any pension provision but it's not insurmountable.

My standard response is 'OK, if that what you want...' and a shrug of the shoulders.

It boils my piss though that she wouldn't have this money to threaten me with had it not been for my dad's hard work and the inheritance from his brother.

Took mum shopping today for an outfit for a wedding. Never again! Anything over £20 is an utterly extortionate rip off apparently. And we aren't talking charity shops either😔. We tried those, liked the prices better but every dress was rejected as "not my colour".

Sounds familiar. Although tbf my mum probably wouldn't entertain shopping anywhere other than charity shops and she does have a pretty good eye.

It going out to eat that makes me laugh...if she can't get an OAP meal deal for about a fiver including a drink (preferably scampi in a basket), she's not interested and thinks it's the height of indulgence.

I need to figure out something to with her for DDs 18th later in the year. Our family is so complicated, and most of DDs friends will still be 17 so she's decided against having a party and we're (hopefully) going away for the weekend instead. She's going out for a meal with her friends then bringing them home for cake and bubbly and will make whatever arrangements with XH she wants.

Which just leaves factoring mum in...DD likes an afternoon tea but the nicest place I can think of near us that doesn't cost an arm and a leg isn't very accessible and tbh mum is such a liability (making loud comments about other people, complaining about the food, prices etc) that I'm already hyperventilating just thinking about it.

My parents think any meal over a fiver is way over priced... They eat out at 2 cafes every day of the week as my mum stopped cooking years ago, even their sandwiches are ready made! Managed to get them to have meals on wheels for a short while but dad decided it was too expensive, the joke now being that my mum will now only shop at the local co op etc and they spend a small fortune on food. Dad's latest thing is how dare the council charge him £35 a month council tax.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain could you get a takeaway afternoon tea for the three of you and maybe a friend of DD as well? I have done that a few times and it has been lovely. I decorate the table and use the best china and it meant that mum could still be involved without the hassle of getting her out! I know your mum is more able than mine was but you have different issues!

@MintyCedricRidesAgain Someone organised a delivery afternoon tea for my lockdown birthday and it was a real treat. A friend was raving yesterday about the Morrisons takeaway tea, it's tea for two so there would be leftovers.

I found it a blessing when mum forgot her glasses so we had to read the menu to her but she couldn't see the prices. Just at the moment I sound just like her - "How much! I'm not paying that much for THAT" (Me, yesterday at £9 for something from a pop up food vendor, so no seat or tableware. I said it in my head which is the difference)

I could easily do an afternoon tea at home but I think it's the going out that makes it special.

I'll see what's around locally...I was initially thinking of doing it instead of an afternoon tea in London on our weekend away hence wanting something a bit special but if it's just a way of including mum a bit something low key at a less busy time locally would work.

Just needs to have parking.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain Garden centres with cafes might be a better bet than traditional cafes because the parking tends to be better. There's the bonus of getting to look at plants if she has any interest in gardening.

I messaged about a week ago about my DM95 going into a care home for respite.
Two weeks in and she's just tested positive for covid. I have no idea if she'll survive this as she is already living on borrowed time.

I also feel strangely calm about it. She has no quality of life and I think it would be a kindness for her to go, but then of course feel selfish and guilty about feeling like this

I know exactly how you feel, SicklyYellow. MIL is 100 now, blind and virtually deaf, with limited mobility and no pleasure left in life. Her short term memory is also pretty poor, but she still has capacity. She won’t move to a care home and is two hours’ drive from us, so it takes more than half a day to go and see her and come home. Naturally you can’t get there by public transport. It would transform our lives if she would just move to a home near us, but it’s not going to happen. DH is over 70 and I worry about him doing the drive solo; he’s in generally good health but gets tired easily now. The absolute non-negotiables are my job and DD’s education, and MIL is eating up all the energy left over from those. To be honest I want to cry and scream and throw things at the thought that this could go on for several more years, especially as my own mother is also getting frail and lives 300 miles away, but I can’t admit it in real life.

Mum actually went to the sheltered housing jubilee party!
For an hour!
I'm still in shock 🙂
She's still not really eating but she had a drink
It's been a shitty half term week. I've felt dreadful, dh is grumpy, ds1 knackered from exams and ds2 has school worries 😟
Ds1 is finished now though and ds2 only has a 5 week term left....then no more morning alarm for 7 weeks!
We did get some lovely news on Friday...my dear friend is engaged!!! I'm so happy for her 💙

Hi, please may I join?

I’ve been lurking on the thread now for a couple of days, and 💐 for you all and what you are going through.

Hello @CarnageAtTheAirport I'm not strictly a carer anymore as my mum is in a home but it has easier to put mum in a home than to take me out of carer mode!

I get you @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere, you can’t be everything all at the same time, and spread yourself thinly without any emotional and physical fallout.

FIL was diagnosed last August with having prostate kidney and bladder cancer, the last one being aggressive.

The surgeons wouldn”t operate as they say he’ll come off worse due to a stroke he had ten years ago, so he underwent radiotherapy to make him comfortable, and to hopefully shrink things.

After his radiotherapy, he was called in for his results and the results showed his bladder cancer had spread and they gave him a year and sent him home.

They decided on a course of immunotherapy to help him, but before it started, he began having problems with his bladder constantly emptying and he stopped eating.
He was taken to hospital, where they found he also has stomach cancer, and was discharged with an end of life care plan, and given a matter of weeks now.

Its just so awful how quickly this has escalated 😪
He is on a bed downstairs, sleeping for hours on end, carers in four times a day, and the hospice is in touch constantly.

We’re all trying to keep a brave face on things, but it’s just awful seeing him a shadow of his former self.

That is so sad. My dad was diagnosed with aggressive cancer and died within two weeks but he stayed in hospital which was a relief for me because I could not have coped with caring for mum while he was there as well - not because of any bad relationship between them but because when I was in the hospital with him I only had him to worry about.

Are you very involved in his care?