Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

When my dad was at end of life with cancer he went into a hospice, as my mum was on her knees trying to cope with him at home. It was a lovely place (Macmillans) and it meant that we could spend time visiting with him, rather than trying to deal with his needs, like getting him to the toilet.

@notaflyingmonkey I think that’ll be the next step. The lady from the hospice asked MIL last week if she thought it it best that he went into the hospice to die rather than at home.

She hasn’t given them an answer yet. I think it’s probably for the best if he did, as she is a very small lady and can’t cope with the comings and goings and the night when she stays awake listening to his breathing ( baby monitor).

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere sorry to hear about your Dad, I know it’s no consolation but at least it wasn’t long and drawn out for him. I think this is how we’d like to see FIL go, quickly, for his sake. For MILs sake. I understand the reasoning of your Dads hospital stay .

There is DH, me DBIL DSIL and their son and daughter that have been helping, not so much of a rota but we all work different shifts, so come when we can. Whoever is there at the time changes the puppy pads if he gets wet in between carers, or makes him a brew.

He has puppy pads on the bed and MIL changes them during the night.
She has a baby monitor in her bedroom so she can hear him if he wakes up, but she won’t be able to carry on much longer I don’t think.

The sad thing is they were due to celebrate their 50th Wed anniversary in July 😪.

@notaflyingmonkey Glad the hospice was a lovely place for your Dad, and less stress for you all in his final days💐.

This sounds ridiculously melodramatic but I feel that I can't go on, either physically or mentally. DM is making me ill. She is so needy and demanding, visiting her results in me feel sick, dizzy, light-headed, weepy. Everything takes so much physical & mental effort. 2 weeks ago I fainted while I was out with her - I told the people who came to help me I hadn't eaten, but really I think it was the amount of energy I was using to help her shop & the amount of stress I was feeling.

On Thursday she asked me to give her a bath & wash her hair. It was such hard work, so hot & she was so demanding I was soaking wet with sweat & shaking and I felt scared of driving home after because I felt so faint & sick. She has a bath chair only she can't (wont) use it herself, someone has to operate it for her. Then soap her, scrub her etc. She says she cant stand when she gets out the bath so I had to support her weight & manoeuvre her to sit down, then she couldn't dry herself. Then she decided she wanted her hair washed when she'd refused before when I offered. So she had to be manoeuvred again to the bath. Then I had to clean up the bathroom to her satisfaction.

Just been round to my sister's, where Dm lives. DM wants to go shopping tomorrow and to have a bath & wash her hair. I cried in the car all the way home. I'm just so tired. I've got to find time to go to her old bungalow, over 3 hour drive away, which needs clearing & putting up for sale. My brother refuses to do anything to help because he says he can't forgive her for how she treated him when he was a child/teenager. My sister feels she does her bit by having my mum live there, which is true, but I think, rightly or wrong (I can't think straight) that it's me doing all the heavy lifting - the shopping trips, the GP, chiropodist & hospital visits, the bathing/hairwashing, DMs life admin -bank stuff pension stuff, and sorting the bungalow. It's me who DM complains to about the perceived selfishness of nieces, nephews in-laws etc.

I don't mean to sound so selfish & resentful. Im just so, so tired.

@MissMarplesNiece I hear you...it's utterly soul destroying at times. There were times when my dad was ill when I actually googled 'how do I get sectioned' as is was the only way I could think of that I might get a break from his physical needs (which weren't the hard part tbf) and mum's emotional ones.

I haven't been so stressed since he past but there is the constant fear of mum going downhill over a long period. Tbh when I read about people caring for parents in their 90s and beyond my blood runs cold.

I found the SHOUT text support line (85258) really helpful when it all got a bit too much. Could you get carers in for the personal care side of things? It's not fair of your siblings to leave it all to you. I can sympathise with your brother but he could he still do some of the admin even if he doesn't want to be personally involved.

@CarnageAtTheAirport sorry to hear about your FIL...I hope the inevitable happens as calmly as possible for all of you.

@ChiswickFlo glad your mum made it to her Jubilee party. I'm supposed to be taking mine bowling again later, but I've been awake since 2.30am so whether I'll manage it is debatable!

@MissMarplesNiece honestly? Screw that. It sounds to me like your body is giving you a warning that you are in the red zone on the tank - do you want to have a stroke? If your DM won't help herself, you are essentially becoming her slave. I would get her a needs assessment, and then sort paid care for the baths, chiropodist etc. Attendance Allowance if you don't already have it will help pay for that.

@MissMarplesNiece I’m so sorry. You need to start taking care of your own needs too. Please start today - just say, sorry, but you can’t take her shopping or bath her today. Take a couple of days for you.

Then make a list of what you’re doing, and work out what you can outsource, and what you feel you need to do yourself. Can your DB help out with clearing the bungalow? He wouldn’t be helping your DM, he’d be helping you. I cleared my DMs house, and it’s brutal work (are you having the recurring dream she gets better / goes back to the house? It’s a thing, as I found out on here!)

Good luck

Frankly?

If you dropped dead tomorrow your mum would manage because she would have to

Suddenly carers would appear, and taxis be ordered!

That ^ epiphany changed things for me. I now have weekends "off" and it's great :)

Just start being unavailable. Need to go shopping on Tuesday? Sorry, can't. I'm busy. No more discussion.

Need to go to hospital? Sorry, can't. I'm busy. No more discussion. Hospital transport can be organised.

What about (cough) getting covid this week? That would give you a break...(and as we all know you can get it again...)

Your mum will run you into the ground without a second thought. So time to think of yourself x

Bowling? Crikey you're brave!

I've been awake most of the night too. I've got meetings this morning. Ugh.

What about (cough) getting covid this week? That would give you a break...(and as we all know you can get it again...)

This went through my mind too. Personally I didn't dare tempt fate with Covid but I've 'had' a couple of bouts of pernicious D & V, and on one occasion omitted to tell mum I'd been signed off.

@ChiswickFlo it's lawn bowls...we went for an open day the other week and these are the follow up potential new members sessions. She really enjoyed it, but now I need to get her in with some other members so she can go on her own.

@MissMarplesNiece you are not being melodramatic. You are under huge stress. This time last year my mum was still at home (in our granny annex) and I was feeling the same as you. We had carers twice a day to get her up and put her to bed but I did everything in between - taking her to the toilet, turning on the tv, all her admin, all her meals, every drink etc - and I would spent an hour with her every morning and afternoon and I would stay with her from the time we ate dinner until the carers came to put her to bed.

I would wake up in the morning and cry before getting out of bed because I didn't want to face the day. I would come back into the house after the carer arrived in the evening and shout at my husband because of the stress of caring for mum and trying to make her happy.

Then 12 months ago she ended up in hospital after a fall and so did I! I didn't fall, I had amnesia - a whole chunk of time disappeared. I kept phoning my husband on repeat and telling him the same thing until he came home from work, called my best friend and they took me to the hospital! Stress has very real consequences on your body and you need to take it seriously.

One practical thing that made my life easier was a supply of rinse free shampoo caps - I could wash her hair while she sat in the armchair instead of wedging the two of us and a seat into the bathroom to do it.

Do you think it would helpful for you to see the GP? He might helpfully suggest that you can not lift/bend/stretch and that would relieve some of the physical demands she is placing on you?

MissMarplesNiece, you are experiencing 'carer breakdown' phone the adult services duty line today, arrange for them to assess your mum as a matter of urgency, she needs a care package for bathing, care visits etc... You cannot continue to do the level of care you are doing, your body will break if your mind doesn't first.

I had the most horrible "funny turn" this morning. I was listening to DP tell me about a film, then everything seemed as if it was bombarding my brain, a sort of sensory overload. DP was talking and it was like nonsense, and the radio in the kitchen was all mixed in and I just wanted to cover my ears. I walked into the other room to escape the noise but I couldn't stop walking - round and round, up and down with my fists clenched - I drew blood where I dug my nails in tho I didn't feel it at the time. In the end DP got me to sit down and eventually I calmed down. It was so horrible. I don't know what to do. I'm sure it's all related to my mother. I should be able to cope with one elderly person - 1000s of people do, why can't I? I can't leave it all to my sister.

because it's too much?

You are suffering from carer burnout/crisis.

You don't need to leave it all to your sister but you DO need a break and to get carers in. She gets AA - that's what its for.

Could you chat to your Dr about this?

Not wanting to worry you but there is also the possibility you have had a T.I.A ( mini stroke ) you should contact your Dr to rule it out.

It's not about you should be able to care for one elderly person, it's the fact that you obviously can't, which is why people have carers to come and do it instead. Please phone adult services, you are becoming very ill and need to give yourself a break.

Please listen to the other posters here and get an urgent care assessment for your dm. Your health is at risk.

@MissMarplesNiece I echo the others. I had a less extreme ‘breakdown’ recently and have had to withdraw for my own sanity (as well as get signed off work). Just starting to feel slightly normal again. It’s not about whether you should or should not be able to cope. That’s irrelevant. I used to be able to cope with far more than I can, but now I can cope with very little indeed, probably because I spent far too long trying to be super woman. You’re no use to your mum or your sister if you end up seriously ill.

Sorry to barge in (and I'm sorry to read what you're going through @MissMarplesNiece - I can only echo everyone else) but I have a quick question which doesn't seem to warrant a whole thread.

How long before I can expect to hear from Attendance Allowance application? I found something on the internet which says they should acknowledge receipt within 4 weeks but it's an old page and I'm not sure if that's still the case post Covid. We sent off the form 7 weeks ago.

I suspect I may become more of a regular around these parts - if only to go argh! a lot

Not sure @Clymene but I can tell you that if you have to phone them, you should be prepared to be on hold for up to an hour, so have tea to hand.

@MissMarplesNiece I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you/your husband have been in touch with your GP and you have told anyone you needed to that you are downing tools. The care of your mother sounds physically extremely stressful and the emotional load on top, plus sibling conflict, is terrible. I ended up having time off work and am on antidepressants plus a therapist because I just couldn't cope, and I was doing much less than you.

@MissMarplesNiece You are definitely not being melodramatic, far from it. Your stress levels are sky high 💐

What did your DM say when you fainted?
Can you organise ambulances to take your Mum to hospital appointments?
Sort out online food shopping, even if it means you set it up ?

I know she lives with your sister, but could she not help with just one thing?

I’m sorry if these have already been suggested.

Just seen this 😮, so sorry, scrap what I said earlier..
I agree that you are suffering from carer burnout.

It can take only one elderly person to make things hard for you, so don’t be hard on yourself.
Can your sister help with her house?