Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@Words Utterly feel for you and your DM. I agree, discussing the constant admissions is the best route. Your MP might be interested, too. The system is broken.

Oh Knot that's terrible. I am so sorry.

Dint you were right. The key to it all is an extended care plan. Long and short is that there isn't one for whatever reason. The GP practice explained this was the way through it all.That will be remedied next week when I meet the community matron and the care home staff to put one in place.

At last I have been contacted by someone from the hospital who is helpful and proactive. She has ensured that a copy of the deprivation of liberty order is also in mother's notes. That should trigger better communication with me, and the plan should ensure that she is not carted off to hospital at the slightest concern. It will also make discharge quicker and easier if she goes in for something more serious. Obviously fractures etc a different matter but hopefully we now have a better way forward.

Fingers crossed she will be back in the home today.

So, another tip to add to the much thumbed folder in the Cockroach Cafe Library of Top Tips: discuss an extended care plan on entry to care home, or at least ensure it is on the radar.

Sigh... conversation about power of attorney... Dad's immediate response 'i don't need to do that, I want your mum to have everything ' explained gently that it's not a will... Well I don't need that either, your mum will do everything that needs doing...
Door well and truly closed on any discussion.

@Lightuptheroom I suppose you've tried “Mum needs this to be able to do everything necessary” “i put one in place for me long ago” and “if you went under a bus I could make sure your bills were paid while you were in hospital” (never suggest the possibility of irreversible age related decline).

@Words My father’s care plan has sections for food (likes, allergies, help needed), washing (including personal grooming preferences), mobility, skin care (need for turning to avoid bedsores, care of skin because of incontinence pads), medications, as well as the all important section on medical care and whether/when to admit to hospital. It’s reviewed monthly and changes noted. It’s basically a “Dint’s Dad User Manual”

They would never send him to hospital for a non emergency without discussing it with me first.

Would it be easier to do both mum and dad's at the same time, make each the attorney for the other and then have you as the second attorney? That gives authority to "your mum will do everything" but in reality it could be you. I did my PoA at the same time as I did mum's, all her concerns could equally well be applied to me. "That means you could sell my house", yes, and my son could sell mine. What's your problem? "I might never need it, it's a waste of money", I'm thirty years younger than you and I think I need one. It was worth the effort when I did need to use mum's, SIL avoided having the discussion with her mother and now has to apply to the court of protection for deputyship. It's a longer, more expensive process.

I went with the scenario of something happening to me that landed me in hospital for six weeks, my son could speak to the insurers about the house and car, deal with anything that came up with the utilities. It would make his life easier at a difficult time.

Dint - she has one of those of course, but the crucial hospital admissions section apparently is not in place. Perhaps that's what is meant by an extended care plan.

Has a convo with the home manager yesterday. There is an issue with the type of blood thinning meds she is on which automatically trigger admission if she has had a bang to the head because of blood clot on brain risk.

The way round that apparently is to change the blood thinning med. Hopefully all that will be sorted next week. I will insist they discuss all potential admissions with me from now on.

This is what happens with inflexible protocol driven decision making isn't it. Hopefully this is not replicated in every health authority.

I wrote a very long post and lost it...we had exactly the same scenario with dad..My brother eventually got them to agree at the last possible moment it seems.
Mum was doing so well that she was moved to the discharge 'lounge' where she seems to have 'turned her face to the wall' and given up. Refusing to get up out of bed and refusing food.I'm going to visit today and hope she's brighter.. Her SW is back from holiday and liasing with the hospital to find a new care home..
My question is..she's not been eating well for months now and has lost a significant amount of weight..since breaking her hip she has hardly eaten or drank a thing..We are tempting her with things she liked before but she's not interested..What will the hospital do? I'm trying to talk to a Dr today but I'm not holding my breath...
PS..yesterdays visit was a nightmare..Dad has always been selfish and difficult and I seem to bear the brunt of it..I took him to the opticians(parked in the wrong place, drove too close to the kerb etcetc) and we went for a visit after..Of course after getting my dad to the ward involving quite a long walk..(My dad is in end stage heart failure and refuses to be pushed in a wheelchair,) I then had to park quite a long way and walk back. Found my dad bewildered because mum wasn't there! They'd moved her in the night and NOBODY thought to tell us! We then had an even longer walk uphill to the new ward. suggested a wheelchair and was shouted at. Thought about going for the car but he can do it apparently..Well walking along side your dad who's a bugger but you love who's blue in the face, pale and sweaty thinking he's going to keel over at any time. He also has a huge aortic anuerism that could go at any time.
Anyway we got there expecting to get information..but no Drs available..Of course with all the mistakes made previously (another long story but reading all your PP above most of you know what I mean) I tried to question the charge nurse about her safety, Did they know she was in a secure unit before, did they know she'd tried to take her own life etcetc.?.To be told that 'we don't want a pals complaint so it's in our interest to keep her safe' !!! PS longer than the OP!

Unfortunately yes it is replicated... At the moment my dad is undergoing a lot of tests. Mum is clearly in some kind of cognitive decline, all we are getting is that nobody can discuss it with us..
Regarding the power of attorney, can't do both at the same time as mum won't even have a conversation about it because she has decided that it would be used to 'put her in a home' end of conversation.
It doesn't seem to matter how you try and approach anything, once they've decided something, that's it. Dad won't even put the bills on direct debit because that would mean he wasn't paying them at the post office (which is the whole point really as he keeps over paying everything)

@Marylou62 When dad was in hospital we learned to ring and check his whereabouts before every visit. And whenever we asked for medical info, they said “he only came on to the ward this morning, we haven’t had time to assess him”. It was as if, every time he changed ward, they dumped his medical record into the bin.

The only thing that persuaded DM to allow us to get POA was that I had to phone her bank pretending to be her in order to sort a problem out for her, that she was panicked over but unable to sort herself. I pointed out it meant I had broken the law, and that having POA would mean I could sort things like that for her legally in future.

And it turns out that, yes, I have used it to put her in a home, despite promising otherwise.

Can I add my voice to all those recommending you get PoA. I don't have it for my mum and life is a mess.

Mum's money over the past 9 years has gone on paying utility bills, spoiling my kids and buying takeaways. My husband and I have paid the mortgage, bought all the food, bought all her shopping, most of her clothes. We have never lent each other money, it has always been given and shared.

Now we are trying to sort out the money for her contribution to the care home fees and I want to transfer the utilities to my name - it's my house. But no one will talk to me. I can't cancel her direct debits for her phone or for her Sky TV. The power company have said that there is nothing they can do to help me even though I have said that the account will soon be emptied. So I could in theory find myself with no electricity or gas. I could pay the money into her account to cover this but I want to be able to see the bills but I can't because the account is in her name!

So yes, get the Power of Attorney! Learn from my fail!

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Have you started the process for Guardianship? I can't remember if your DM has capacity, but I suspect not. We were able to get legal aid to apply. Not sure if that applies in Wales. I can't also remember if we qualified because she was under section at the time and 'held captive' by the NHS. However, might be worth pursuing sooner rather than later. Seven years ago it took seven months. Goodness knows how long it might take now.

The lady from the Council I spoke to yesterday was amazing. I have messed up the form but she was so sweet and reassuring. I think once life is back to normal I will get an appointment with CAB and see what they can suggest. I feel so stressed by it all but at least the Fees for the home are under control!

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I cancelled Sky without waving the PoA, I phoned them, explained that she was in a care home and not going to be returning and they cancelled it there and then.

Can she still make a signature? You could write a letter to the utility providers from her transferring the account to you, take it in and have her sign it. Possibly get nice cousin to take it in if you are in the bad books.

The phone is difficult because it's hers but not the utilities as you are the homeowner. If you are calling them have you said that you are the landlord and your tenant has left the property? That is the usual scenario that they would be used to. It's not uncommon for the bills to be in the tenant's name and if they do a flit leaving them unpaid then the landlord would have to get the name changed. Your particular situation may be rare but the landlord/tenant scenario is common enough. It is your property after all, ask them about their complaints procedure and then put in a complaint. You have to use their complaints procedure and allow them a couple of months before you go to Ofgem. I'm absolutely sure that there is something they can do about making sure that the actual homeowner who is living in the house and using the power gets a bill. Your mum should have stopped paying on the date that she moved into the home, they should refund her and bill you (on estimates as there won't be a meter reading on that date)

Can you tell that I am very annoyed on your behalf? "Ooh there's nothing we can do" as we carry on taking money from the account of someone who doesn't live there any more and who isn't in a position to challenge it. If you can't cope with yet another phone call, write a letter or call your local CAB and see if they will help you. It's not as if you don't have enough stress in your life without worrying about being cut off.

MIL would not discuss her finances with the SW and sent her away rather forcefully. MIL had previously fallen for a phone scammer and was determined that it wasn't happening again. I think she's now past the point where she could co-operate if she wanted to. I don't think it matters yet, she owns her house and it's going to be a while until the fees accumulate to the value. Hopefully by then her family will have sorted out deputyship (assuming they've started of course)

can you pretend to be her?

Thank you both. Unfortunately mum doesn't know she has moved out and thinks that she is coming home. If I try to suggest that she puts the bills in my name she will in all probability refuse because as she sees it she is helping me by paying the bills. She keeps telling me to take the money from her account and buy a car!

I have considered getting my daughter to pretend to be her to get through security - she has done it elsewhere when mum has been in a state and not able to speak to someone on the phone - but now that mum is unable to do things I feel I need to be more transparently right. It was one thing for her to say to my DD "Pretend to be me and ask them to speak to Hairbrush" while she is in the room but now if anyone spoke to her they would see that she doesn't have the capacity.

I think I might try the tenant route and see if they will respond to me that way. It is so frustrating because all I want to do is see the bill that I will be paying! I don't want to dispute it (although I am amazed that it has doubled since this time last year when we are now just 2 people without constant electric heaters and electric blankets!

I really have no right to be moaning given what everyone else is dealing with, but please may I have a moment's respite on the BDB?

Couple of weeks ago, mum had a flyer through the door forward street party of sorts tomorrow...decorate your house and have your own jubilee picnic on your front lawn. Called me all excited wanting me to sort out decs, discussion at the weekend about food...have sorted it all.

She now doesn't want the bunting up (tbf hardly any of the neighbours have bothered).

Tonight as neither of us wanted a big dinner, we're having some tomorrow's party food...

The sausage rolls are too hard, the crisps are too crispy, the Coronation chicken vol au vents taste too strongly of curry and the beef and hriseradish sandwiches taste 'wrong'. Oh and I've made her Pimms in the wrong glass...🙄

Just about to dish up the platinum trifle...wish me luck!

🙂
@MintyCedricRidesAgain you are a SAINT 💜

Platinum trifle was a winner which was very unexpected...I don't think mum's ever made a trifle in her life.

Heating is on 24...🥵

I am reading everything but no energy to participate.. Sending Gin to all.. X

Minty - I would rather have my issues with energy company and the bank than have to deal with an aged relative again. Sending masses of sympathetic hugs.

I went home briefly and picked up gin!

Now watching the Trooping the Colour as spent all day cooking.

Feeling a bit emotional as it reminds me of Dad. He was a proper lefty and not a fan of the monarchy but he loved the history and pageantry and always said no other country did it as well as us which I think is very true.

He usually had a lump in his throat when watching this kind of thing, and I can still remember him breaking down and actually crying at Princess Diana's funeral.

I realised my dad wasn't himself when he showed no interest in the Diamond Jubilee. He loved London and had he been well he would have loved the river pageant but barely glanced at the TV. Within a few months he was gone :-(

As a retired serviceman he loved all the pomp and ceremony.

Went to see M yesterday. She's definitely sustained some further brain damage and lost a lot of weight.

Not sure whether she recognised me or not. When prompted to drink her tea, she did and solemnly drank it all, then kept sucking at the cup not realising it was empty.

They call this the long goodbye, and they're not wrong.

So much better to die standing, than live on your knees like this. Dementia is a very cruel disease.

It’s hideous isn’t it @Words ?

I went to see my M yesterday. She has dementia but is very angry with it. We’ve just moved her to a new care home. Everyone agreed it’s in her best interest- it will be so much easier for family to visit her.

But of course it’s a mind blowing disturbance to her, and I took the brunt yesterday. She said she thought she had a loving family but obviously she didn’t if they wouldn’t let her go home. Threatened to kill her self. I’ve trained myself now not to argue with her, but that just made it worse- so she told me to leave so I said ok and left.

Going back today, but I live 300 miles away so then it’ll be another 6 weeks before I’m back for more abuse!