Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Any idea how to communicate with a very deaf 85 year old who won't/can't talk on the phone? I need to have a discussion with dad about possibly going to a day centre, but can't do it through mum as everything which is paying any attention to him is provoking huge rages ....
I can't visit until at least next week and even then it's impossible to get him to listen ..

@Knotaknitter Fantastic new
@Lightuptheroom When our DDog was gravely ill, far away, DC sent me a £25 USB camera with two way sound. When the camera was positioned in front of DDog bed they could watch him and chat to him reassuringly through the night. (They could also call the landline to get me out of bed at 03.00 am if he rolled out and couldn't get back. 🤔) However their voices 'boomed' into the room when they spoke to him until I managed to turn the settings down. I think it would be worth a try as the sound was very loud. It does need your DM to have WiFi though and to agree to the camera.

Hello all, just checking in- have finished chemo so a bit of respite before radiotherapy starts. All quiet with dm thankfully
lovely to see you @picklemewalnuts but sorry you have to rejoin us , congratulations on the job @MintyCedricRidesAgain , And on probate @Knotaknitter and sending much sympathy to those deep in the trenches at the moment.
so sorry you had to cancel your trip @ChiswickFlo hope you are able to get away with dm.
@countrygirl99 hope you get some answers and progress.
@MereDintofPandiculation thinking of you.

Hello, @thesandwich! I was trying to remember your sandwich based name!

I'm writing this in tears whilst trying to control my very wobbly bottom lip... I didn't even know that you were all here... I can't even say that I'm the bad daughter as my Mum doesn't know me now and has verbally attacked me because when I hugged my dad she thought I was his girlfriend.. I. I'm devastated.. She broke her hip yesterday... Just had words with my Dad as he doesn't want her to go back to the care home as 'they're not looking after her if she can fall out of bed'.. I said it could have happened anywhere (she was admitted to the said home because of falls and my Dad who is terminal with cancer couldn't pick her up.. She also tried to take her own life but that's another sad thing that is happening to my brilliant kind beautiful Mother) he argued with me until I said that they couldn't exactly tie her down in the bed could they?. He put the phone down on me. That's enough for a first post.. Thank you for listening..

Oh, I'm so sorry.
How awful for you.
Time to take care of yourself now...your mum will be looked after at hospital and your dad obviously needs time to come to terms with what's happened (that doesn't mean its OK for him to slam the phone down on you though)
Try and get some rest x

Just took mum food shopping.
She managed ok but we were in and out in less than 10 mins.
She's still not wanting to eat though.

Can I just say I'm so so sorry for all of you going through this.. I sort of knew I needed to talk about it but just didn't know where to start... My DH is brilliant for looking after me... X

@Marylou62 I'm really sorry for what you are going through. Both MIL and mum have fallen out of bed in their care homes, both fell out of bed in their own homes. It's a fine line between keeping them safe and them having some freedom, if the staff keep the bed rail up all the time then the sleeper can't get out if they want to. Your dad is upset and taking it out on you and with your mum it's the dementia talking. Hopefully in a couple of days your dad will have calmed down, your mum will have already have forgotten about the fall and the strange woman she saw her husband with.

I get on better with MIL now she doesn't know who I am, she always did put her best face on for people she was trying to impress. She didn't think she needed to make any effort with family.

Knot.. Thank you for your kind words... It's awful isn't it..

@Marylou62 that's tough!

My dad broke the hospice's impressive 'no falls' streak! They were most perturbed. He was an ornery minded chap who was determined to get to the loo on his own.
How long has she been in the care home? It's a big adjustment for your dad. Can I suggest, rather than contradicting him when he's wrong, you just listen and ask questions? He may well then come to the sensible conclusion himself without getting angry with you.
"Oh dear! I wonder how she did it? How can they stop her falling, I wonder? Would somewhere else be able to stop her getting up? Where else could she go, where they'd stop her falling?"
Along with a few observations about "At least she was seen quickly! I'm glad the staff were able to sort her out/knew what to do/ etc"

You are absolutely right! But I was absolutely shocked he'd (I thought) rang the home and cancelled her room.. He hadn't yet.. Took me calling 27 homes to find one that would take her as an emergency.. My DB and myself are spending hours on the phone to SS, old home, Dr's etcetc... He asks us to help then undermines us... I'm shattered.. In April I had holiday which luckily coincided with me and my parents getting covid..(I live 250 miles away and tested +ve the morning after I got there) My Dad ended up in hospital and I cared for my Mum.. She nearly broke me.. Up all night, falling, trying to leave the house.. (even though when I explained that we didn't want to give neighbours covid.. She agreed till 10mins later trying to leave the house.. Over and over...) One DB was very poorly with covid and another DB is cv so 10 days with her broke me.. I'm rambling now.. It's been going on for 2 years now.. My Dad has always been difficult and I've often been the brunt of it... I'm going tomorrow for a week.. Seeing Mum... Taking Dad.. But she doesn't recognise him and he's distraught... It's so sad..

That sounds exhausting. You must look after yourself! I made myself ill trying to help, when DF became ill.

Sad though it is, you have the rest of your life that you need to be well for. You can't burn yourself out over these few years.

Can you speak to the nursing home and ask them not to allow her place to be cancelled without discussing it with you/your brother first?

Pickle.. He did eventually agree to wait until we know the outcome of Mum's operation.. I'm waiting on a call...

Hello,

Some of this makes familiar reading!

After a series of falls at home, DM95 is now in a care home for respite.

At home she had 4 carers in a day, but they are struggling to attend due to staff shortages and all agree she now needs 24 hour care as she is increasingly confused and frail.

She can't walk or even stand unaided and is doubly incontinent. Her moods swing between insisting she'll be going home soon and depressed lethargy.

I'm exhausted! I'm due to be going on holiday next month, so am clinging onto that and hoping I do actually get to go.

@Marylou62 what you're going through sounds horrific. I have limited experience with dementia thankfully (although suspect I can look forward to that changing in the next couple of years).

Will you be able to get some time to yourself while you're visiting your parents? My mum gets really shirty if I'm on my phone so I usually take a novel, colouring book or jigsaw and have just invested in a set of crochet hooks!

@SicklyYellow it does sound like the time has come for your mum to be somewhere residential. My dad was in a similar condition for the last year or so of his life and even 4x daily carers wasn't great as its impossible to time someone's needs/bodily functions etc when they are that frail.

I do hope you get your holiday.

My issues are pretty small fry in comparison to everyone else's but it's been a trying couple of days.

We've had another meltdown about 'L'...I just nod and listen and shrug until she's got it put of her system although obviously the timing isn't great. I cannot understand how someone can be so totally oblivious to another person's feelings but there we go.

She's also most disgruntled that she now has to pay for her TV licence which she doesn't agree with. I assume she cancelled the one in Dad's name (which was free as he was partially sighted by the end) and hasn't purchased one since so has been getting reminders.

She drafted a letter to them saying she'd been staying with me since being widowed. I told her I don't want her dragging me into it and putting me a risk of fines or God knows what else when she's perfectly able to pay for the bloody thing like everyone else has to.

Needless to stay the usual threats about cutting me off financially immediately surfaced.

Unfortunately due to the nature of new employer I may not start work until August which will mean no pay until nearly September.

I've told her to do what she likes...I am absolutely not getting involved with this one.

Good for you, Minty!

Mine is trying to drag me into a 'wedding one'. Last time there was a wedding one, there was a five year fall out that I was trapped in the middle of. I'm not going there again!

@Marylou62 my heart goes out to you. My DM has dementia and it’s so hard - you’re trying to deal with and relate to the person sat in front of you, at the same time as mourning the person you used to know. My DF died years ago, so I didn’t have the same battle you do.

I don’t post much on here these days as things are in a settled state most of the time now (but DM is moving care homes on Monday, so that could go either way!). But the last 3 years of my life have been horrendous due to having to deal with all the issues around DM, and left me with a bad drinking problem that I am now trying to resolve.

You will find that us Bad Daughters are big on boundaries- you need them to survive. That and a realisation that there are some things you just can’t fix.

Mums seems more confused since her last hospital admission (2 weeks ago)
I'm now wondering if she had a very small stroke (tia?)
I won't be seeing her til later as I have to take my car for its mot and wait on for a delivery rock n roll
Dh is off next week (we were supposed to be taking mum away) so might try and have a couple of days out.

Thank you for your kind words.. Mum is in a home for dementia /alzheimers...

Does anyone know how gp's can assess for dementia or loss of cognitive function if the person everyone is expressing concern about won't consent to any appointment at all let alone memory assessments? My mum is taking more and more risks and venting more and more anger at my dad. The GP and us have raised safeguarding alerts but each time the social services assessment comes back as nothing needs to be done and she presented as perfectly fine... How bad does it actually have to get before anyone takes action?

Unfortunately, in my experience, it takes until there is a crisis.

It’s incredibly frustrating and upsetting not being able to do anything. Others may have more helpful advice!

I think you have to flag it up to Social Services each and every time so that when there is a crisis the pattern is already established. MIL would agree to speak to the doctor but by the time the surgery rang she had forgotten they were calling and slammed the phone down. By then she wasn't eating regularly, couldn't tell the difference between the tv remote and the phone, couldn't make a phone call, couldn't work the washer - but she was "fine" apparantly. It took a week in hospital for a fall for her level of confusion to be identified but I don't think she ever had a formal diagnosis.

For us it was going into hospital after a fall that precipitated investigations. They were originally going to release her with an increased care package but it became obvious even with physio in the rehab hospital that she could not be at home. We had the added issue of severe osteoarthritis. Twelve months on she is in a nursing home, completely immobile and doubly incontinent.

Your mother may well be petrified of dementia. Probably no use for your mum but may be helpful for others, my father consented to a short memory assessment because I kept dementia out of the conversation and concentrated on physical causes, eg anaemia, for lapses of memory.

Keep a diary of everything that happens, one thing I’ve found is that your account doesn’t count, but once you’ve written it down with dates, magically it becomes “Evidence”.