Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Oh @countrygirl99 that's so tough for you all.

A friend of mine had a similar situation...dad diagnosed with lung cancer, mum already had early stage dementia.

Thankfully they were on board with moving into a home...they settled really will and the reduction of stress on her dad gave him an extra year. AFAIK her mum is doing okay since he passed.

Well I have now done both lawns and power washed the drive...going to park my arse for a well deserved coffee whether she likes it or not.

I apologise if I’m missing stories out or failed to see updates, I’ve caught up on the last few pages. I’ve just finished a tiring work project and also the teaching term so haven’t been up to date with anything in the rest of the world.

ChiswickFlo your comment about money and rich elderly struck me: I’m really aware that my DM has had options for care because she was immediately able (well, I was able, using her funds) to pay for a nice room in a nice care home with no need to apply for any benefit or assessment, no gatekeepers. It’s a different world and thoughts of the alternatives scare me. I hope the trip goes well, the last long trip I had with DM, just before all her current woes, was with an experienced travel company who cater for oldies, I think they took the strain out of things in re driving and suitable hotel acommodation and they also had mobility aids, got the coach right up to the door of attractions etc.

Nota I’m sorry visiting your DM in her care home is hard for you. The way I see it, the idea of care homes and the very best efforts and good standards etc. are always undercut by the core reality that people go there when they have to, not when they want to. I know I will never have visits that aren’t haunted by all kinds of resentments, worries, how-did-we-get-here’s and brave faces.

Happy Easter thesandwich and all Cockroachers.

Knota I feel a very deep resistance to learning about incontinence products and yet it seems I have to because although DM asks me to supply them, the care home says she isn’t assessed as needing them. I have bought her loads of different Tena types, some of which came from her house that care agency there had got for her. Before the care agency, I found she’d been using some of my old night-time period pads (found out when I came to chuck them, having gone through menopause at 55) but I’ve never found out the details of how incontinent and what type and never saw any evidence but she told me she’d had a couple of ‘accidents’. Now she has a glorious selection and keeps asking for different ones, they’re never quite right although she seems to use them up: it feels like another game but she’s also confused and loops on various topics. I confess I am reluctant to take her out on my own (she’s done a couple of hours at a time before, when I have help, garden centre tea shops) because of this. I am going to need the equivalent of a nappy bag I think. Aargh. I suppose I have to have A Talk with the care home to clarify, they are always so breezy and busy I don’t feel I get proper answers unless I have A Talk. I am probably That Relative.

I hope your DM takes to U3A Minty, my DM got a lot out of them, and their trips, and the clubs.

I agree countrygirl that the whole entertain me thing is exhausting, and, perhaps because I don’t have children, I am staggered by the assumptions made that children’s jobs are to compensate for this inability to be on their own, or make independent friends, or join things while still able. My DM would have assumed the same after DF’s death but had to do some of it herself due to my ahem neglect. Things sound really hard with your FIL

🪳

VisitEd mum this afternoonand got told she is sooo busy with all her activities! Except she told me she had started going to a lunch club and a minibus takes her and it's really nice and friendly soI asked eat dhe had to eat and she told me it starts next week. Then we had similar about outdoor bowls club.🤷‍♀️
And she was moaning about looking after her massive (not) garden but dismissing suggestions of getting someone in. Told me it's alright for me as my garden is so much smaller when in fact it's nearly 4 times the size of her really quite small and half patio garden. Honestly, if it takes more than 10 minutes tomorrow mum's lawn it's because you've got distracted and done something else in the middle. It's a nice garden for an older person. Lovely large sun trap patio, low maintenance shrubs and a tiny lawn, enough for seasonal flowers but not too much maintenance but the way she goes on you'd think it was at least an acre of flower beds to RHS display standards.

So many typos, can you tell I hit the wine as soon as I got home?

Mums been for dinner.
She ate quite a lot!
We sat outside for a while too.
Enjoy the wine 🍷 @countrygirl99

Spoke to mum on the phone today in the CH. She's so confused, she doesn't know where she is and is asking for her mum and dad. It's heartbreaking. Just keeps asking when she can go home (wherever she thinks that is). Dementia really is the cruellest disease.

@OnthePiste

Spoke to mum on the phone today in the CH. She's so confused, she doesn't know where she is and is asking for her mum and dad. It's heartbreaking. Just keeps asking when she can go home (wherever she thinks that is). Dementia really is the cruellest disease.

Oh, that is heartbreaking. I'm sorry x

I lurk on here but don’t post much - feeling a bit sorry for myself because MIL clearly needs to move to a care home, but won’t countenance it. She’s virtually blind, virtually deaf and has limited mobility since breaking her hip last year. The care company DH and BIL use is very good, but can’t provide more care as they can’t get the people, so she’s managing with carers coming in 3 times a day. I can see that there’ll be a crisis and we’ll have to find something in a hurry. And she is really tough so likely to go on for years. By the time she goes my DM will be in a bad way - her memory is going already. The rest of DD’s childhood is going to be spent waiting for the next crisis with elderly relatives. And that’s absolutely nothing compared with what many people on this thread are dealing with.

I’m so sorry, @OnthePiste. We went through it with my grandmother and it was hell.

Thanks @ChiswickFlo and @NefretForth.

She's only been in there since Wednesday after being discharged there from hospital for 6 weeks respite care. She really hasn't been coping well at home and can't bear being on her own between carers. I hope she will settle down more in the next few weeks and then we can decide if it is to be permanent-at the moment I can't see how it can't be. Just waiting for a negative Covid test so I can go and visit, hopefully only another day or 2.

@OnthePiste

Thanks *@ChiswickFlo and @NefretForth*.

She's only been in there since Wednesday after being discharged there from hospital for 6 weeks respite care. She really hasn't been coping well at home and can't bear being on her own between carers. I hope she will settle down more in the next few weeks and then we can decide if it is to be permanent-at the moment I can't see how it can't be. Just waiting for a negative Covid test so I can go and visit, hopefully only another day or 2.

Early days then...hopefully she'll start to like the company.

I do feel for you x

@OnthePiste It's early days, mum was about a month before she stopped mentioning home, another couple of months before I was less interesting than whatever was happening in the lounge.

MIL can't go home because the home she's thinking of has her mother living across the road, the image she has in her head of home hasn't existed for over forty years.

@OnthePiste I’m so sorry - it’s heartbreaking. One thing I was told is that when people with dementia say they want to go “home”, they want go back to a place (and time) they felt safe.

It’s very tough, because really they want to go back in time, and no one can give them that.

@Onewildandpreciouslife One thing I was told is that when people with dementia say they want to go “home”, they want go back to a place (and time) they felt safe.

That is such a comforting thing to know. My mum constantly wants to go home. She has hated the home since the day she arrived and says she wants to go home and be "surrounded by her family". She wants to go back in time to when my kids were young and she was the centre of their world. They are all adults and live with their spouses all over the country. She wants to turn the clock back 10 years before any of them left home. It really helps to know that this is a common feature.

I've noticed that my DM talks a lot about her DM when I visit, which I guess is that thing about their mind taking them back to a time when they felt safe and looked after.

I took in a digital photo frame, loaded with pics of her family, us when we were young etc. Not sure if that will be a comfort for her or not.

She is incapable of using the call button in the CH. And I suspect they are v short staffed, so am not sure how much time the carers can spend with her in her room. Which has led to her feeling that she is being neglected, so she taps out SOS in Morse code on pretty much anything she can.

@countrygirl99

I've come to the conclusion that the kindest thing we can do for our children is make sure ability to entertain ourselves if left on our own. DB1 got a blast from mum yesterday because she is lonely. DB2 and I were there last weekend, DB1 was there 3 times in the week and I'm going up today but apparently it's not enough.

It’s not so easy as that, though, is it? I’m really good at entertaining myself, need a long time on my own each day to fit in all the things I want to do, and yet last night I was desperately unhappy that I won’t see my son as much as I want. Saw so much of him over the wedding weekend which was lovely, but that’s over, and I’ll be lucky if my husband’s still here in a year, and I couldn’t imagine being happy ever again. No amount of activity could cut through that depth of unhappiness.

Now after a good night’s sleep, waking to sunshine and cherry blossom, everything’s OK again.

The idea that “wanting to go home” is wanting to go back to a time of safety, both physical and emotional, sounds very plausible. I’m finding it very difficult to live happily with the reality that I’m less important in my children’s lives than they are in mine. You never stop being a mother. Quite like the idea of being a bird, chucking out one brood then starting on another.

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty You are a nuisance! You’ve reminded me that lawn mowing is on my job list.

Mum has never done any activities unless they were social and doesn't have any hobbies that can occupy her at home. Now she is reliant on lifts as her ability to remember what day it is makes taxi booking a nightmare, they turn up and she insists it isn't the day booked for when it is. Only a couple of her friends still drive and they phone ahead to remind her what day it is. If she was into a craft or stamp collecting or whatever, even going for a walk she wouldn't be reliant on other people quite do much.
Poor DH hastaken his dad to an oncology appointment today and was tearing his hair out before they got there. Arrived to pick him up, allowed time to have a cup of coffee with MIL, then when they were due to leave someone arrived to cut his hair. FIL was insisting it only takes10 minutes to get there. Well, yes, providing you don't need to park in the multi storey and then walk to the other end of the hospital using a waking frame and there were road works. So FIL sulked because DH told him they needed to leave in 5 minutes. DH dropped him at the front door to wait while he parked tosave time and FILs legs but he was sulking and told DH to "fuck off, I'll get a taxi home". So DH parked up then went to find him. I'm waitingto hear from. DH but I know they were late to the appointment despite DH allowing for an extra half hour.

Mum came with me and ds2 today to town for some shopping (yet more sandals she doesn't need...)

She had to keep sitting down. Like every 10 minutes.

I'm not sure how much we will be able to do on the holiday :(

@countrygirl99 does FIL have capacity? If so why is his sulking and swearing being tolerated? I feel really sorry for your DH, but boundaries are healthy

@ChiswickFlo would it be possible for you to hire/borrow/buy a wheelchair?

@onewildandpreciouslife yes he does have capacity but has always been very "my way or the highway" and there is a bit of FOG going on. But DH did tell him today that if he wants people to help him he needs to behave or they won't which he wouldn't have done a few years ago.

[quote IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]@ChiswickFlo would it be possible for you to hire/borrow/buy a wheelchair?[/quote]
I'd like to but mum refuses to consider it...

I'll see how she is nearer the time...she's got 6 weeks to get stronger/better before we go.

We are going to ask for assistance at the airports which she has agreed to.

I wonder if the hotel/museums had ones you can borrow?

Sorry, I realise I sound utterly dense but it's new territory for me :(

I hit send too soon. Things aren't looking too good with my mum. She was on Sertraline for about a month but since stopping that she hasn't really got back to where she was before. She just wants to sleep, doesn't want to eat. They called the doctor today to do blood tests. I just see her like my dad - he stopped eating and wanted to sleep all day and it turned out he had cancer. Within a fortnight of his diagnosis he was gone.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

I hit send too soon. Things aren't looking too good with my mum. She was on Sertraline for about a month but since stopping that she hasn't really got back to where she was before. She just wants to sleep, doesn't want to eat. They called the doctor today to do blood tests. I just see her like my dad - he stopped eating and wanted to sleep all day and it turned out he had cancer. Within a fortnight of his diagnosis he was gone.

That sounds awful :( I'm sorry.

If she is depressed that could explain the lack of eating and wanting to sleep all the time?

I'm going to contact the hotel and ask of they can source a rental wheelchair or give me info on where I can do it.

I'm not going to tell mum but it'll be there if she needs it (which tbh she may).

I don't want to be running around once there trying to sort it.

Finally got my second negative LF test so was able to visit mum for the first time in the CH. She was pretty complementary about it, enthusing about the entertainment and the food. Said she had made some friends. However, she definitely thinks she will be going home and was getting ready to come with me when I left. For those who have/had parents reluctantly in permanent placements, did you tell them that they were staying there or do you still do the "just until you are well enough" type line? @Knotaknitter @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere @notaflyingmonkey

I'm really impressed with the home. The staff are lovely, the other residents all seem friendly and it has the most beautiful gardens. I would love her to stay there-I guess it comes down to whether she has capacity at the end of the 6 weeks free care as to what happens then.