Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I wouldn't worry now about what happens at the end of the six weeks, enjoy this moment of respite and dodge the question. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. I'd be stressing that it's very rare that you get something for free and stressing the benefits of a social life versus spending twenty hours alone. Mum had a bath in her first week, she'd not been able to get in the bath in years. I spent the first couple of months terrified that I'd be faced with the question about going home but she dropped that really quickly. I thought a sentence ahead and avoided mentioning houses or gardens but mum quickly came to think that she worked there and told me about all the jobs she'd done and the trips out to B&Q for supplies. She had her dominant arm in a cast so would have struggled even with four care visits a day but the reason for the move was that after three weeks in hospital she didn't recognise her home of sixty years and didn't feel safe in it. Initially I was beside myself with guilt, if I'd given up my life and moved back in then she would have been happy but I wouldn't. I couldn't get carers for enough day time hours and she was crying on the phone while I was still in the car on my way home. She thought she was in some strange place and the staff had all gone, would I come and take her home?

After a few months her speech started to slip away and it was clear even to me that there was no way at all she could live independently. That made it easier, there really was no alternative.

My first post vanished @OnthePiste so this is a cut and paste job, please excuse any formatting errors.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere sorry to ready about your mum.it is so hard.
@ChiswickFlo booking a wheelchair is a really good idea- wold she contemplate one of those walkers with a seat built in? Thanks for the good wishes.
@OnthePiste the care home sounds great. The until you’re better line is useful.
and as @knot so wisely puts it, use this respite time.
hope everyone else is doing as well as possible. Sunshine help.

I just tell mum she needs to be stronger before she can come home. "As soon as you can walk again"

"But of course I can walk - how do you think I get around! And what are all these straps and things under my bum?"

Those are the straps that were on the hoist that lifted you into the chair 5 minutes ago because you can not stand up.

I am visiting this afternoon and taking a little trifle and a spoon to see if she will eat it. I just feel that history is repeating itself, just like with my dad. It could be depression but I worry that it is something more. I hate waiting for results from tests. My mind goes into overdrive.

Just back from visiting and was pleasantly surprised. From what my uncle said yesterday I thought she was on her last legs but she was ok. She seems to have lost the ability to feed herself. I took some little puddings that she has always enjoyed and I fed one to her and she seemed to really enjoy it. I suggested that my friend should fill us in with the news of her family and mum said straight away "I want to know about J and ....." She was interested but it is as though there is insufficient charge in her battery to keep her going. The light will come on, her eyes focus and she will start a sentence then peter out half way through. Then for 10 minutes or so she is completely blank, no reaction to anything then she switches on again.

She did say "I wish A (my dad) would hurry up and get better so we can go home together" which was a bit of a shock but I would really rather she thought he was in hospital rather than remember that he died.

So all in all much better than I was expecting. They think it will take a week for them to get the results of the blood tests so in limbo for a little while but I definitely didn't get the impression she was dying today.

Glad to hear you had a better visit @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere and good that she managed to engage with you. Sounds like tempting her with sweet treats is the way to go! Thank you for your kind words and advice today and to @Knotaknitter too.

It seems surreal not having the phone ringing non stop, not having to worry if she has fallen again and not been able to call for help. We took a trip up to Kew gardens today and it was so lovely not to be interrupted! I really do need this time out to recharge before we decide what to do next. As Knot said, I'm not going to think about it for now and enjoy the silence!

Glad it went better than expected x

Told mum I'm going to hire a wheelchair for 2 days of the trip.

She seemed OK with it. Said better to have and not need it than not have it and need one.

She seemed a bit out of it earlier. Kept repeating questions...also forgot what the plans were for the trip (which as you can imagine have been discussed many times and at length...)

I might pop down and see how she is shortly.

My sister (after 2 Sundays visiting mum) is "busy" this sunday. That didn't last very long 🙄

The hotel have a wheelchair we can borrow so that's that sorted.

Super lightweight overhead airline locker bags bought for us all.

6 weeks today. Eeek.

That sounds exciting. We always found we were treated like royalty with mum in her wheelchair. When we went to Disneyland they would call us from the queue in the restaurant and find a table for us and we had so much help on the trains etc. I hope you have a wonderful time.

I'm not excited tbh...I'm getting a bit anxious about it actually. Hoping flights run OK but there seems to be lots of disruption atm.

It was all dhs bloody idea but I'll be the be dealing with everything if there's a problem.

Taking mum food shopping later today which is always fun...

Mum: I don't want anything with cream or meat in
(Picks up spaghetti carbonara and puts in trolley)
Me: mum, that's got meat and cream in it
Mum: shrugs and walks off
🤷‍♀️😬🙄

Sigh...

I feel your pain! And your anxiety about going away. But the more I don't want to do something the more I find I enjoy it. Hopefully you will find the same.

Hopefully:)

Things are getting very difficult with my parents. My DF was referred 'fast track' for a procedure. The appointment came through, my sister has arranged to take him. We all then get told that he's not having it done as my mum has told him that he will die, she wants nothing to do with it and he will have to sort himself out... When we've tried to discuss it calmly, my sister and I have both been called 'ignorant bitches' by DM.

Oh god, I'm sorry.
How awful.
Can you convince your dad?

We can't work out how, he's profoundly deaf, his hearing aids packed up yesterday so there is no such thing as a discreet conversation. DM is convinced we are all up to something and has taken to screaming and shouting whenever one of us tries to speak to him.

Can you contact adult social services?

They've literally just had a care assessment done on Friday, I haven't heard anything from this yet. DM said that they are looking for a day centre for my DF to attend. I'm fully expecting him to decide he doesn't need to.
We've raised a safeguarding concern which is why they did the assessment. The verbal abuse is getting ridiculous and we have no way of knowing if something medical or phycological is causing it.

Verbal abuse from your mum or dad?
Or both?
I hate to say it but sometimes you really have to step back and let the crisis happen I'm afraid :(

DM is becoming very verbally abusive, switches very rapidly between normal conversation and extensive swearing at and about DF. We are stepping back as we have no consent to speak to GP etc so have no idea if there has been any tests recommended

Stepping back is wise I think (hard as it is)

Perhaps the neighbours might call the police if it gets bad?

My dad had a fall at the care home on Sunday and they took him to A&E to be on the safe side. In actual fact he turned out to have a large bleed on the brain. Just went to see him today and it was horrible. He was delirious, trying to take his clothes off and climb out of bed, only semi lucid. I don’t know if he knew we were there, but seem distressed. The hospital has put a DNR in place and said they won’t operate but also won’t give us a prognosis. The neurology department wants to wait 10 days before they scan again to see if the bleed has spread, but I don’t see how he can survive 10 days like this. Is an 80 year old with vascular dementia likely to recover from a brain bleed? What would ‘recovery’ even mean? Is it really bad that I hope he has a massive stroke and goes quickly? This is no way to live. My father in law died suddenly from cancer about 6 months ago and god, I know which way I’d choose if I had the choice.

Ohpleasejustlast, I don't think it's really bad to say that you hope he has a massive stroke and goes quickly. I think it very hard to see to someone in bad health and needing a lot of care along with having no quality of life.
I have seen several people over the last few years getting different health conditions that were going to effect them physically, mentally and where they would be dead within a few years. Meanwhile family were trying to keep people at home for as long as possible and then trying to get suitable places for the person to move to when they needed a higher level of care.
It a very hard time for the patient and family. Some patients can have a total personality change and can lash out or be abusive. Along with this you can be dealing with family issues or with family members who will do as little as possible.
So no wonder your don't want Dad suffering at this stage.

No, it's not x

I hope your dad passes peacefully and pain free xxxxxx

@OhPleaseJustLast I am really sorry. Mum had vascular dementia and a small bleed after a fall onto concrete (bad fall, broke her arm and two bones in her face). She was 88 at the time, if she'd been in her thirties they would have operated. She was unrecognisable in hospital, it was frightening to see the change in her. Why wasn't her husband visiting? She was going to ditch him, the loser. Well she could only have one visitor which was me and anyway, he'd been dead for twenty years. She did come back from that but I'll be honest, she wasn't the person that she was before.

That triggered the move to residential care, she had maybe seven good months after that. On one visit she said that she'd reached a stage in her life where she was really happy and had no worries and that is a memory that I treasure. At the time she fell I thought it would have been better if that had been the end but then she wouldn't have had those few good months surrounded by people and winning at bingo (still bright enough to realise that every table managed to come out winners by the end)

There is nothing you can do to fix this, nothing you can do to change the outcome. This is something you have no control over and that's why it is so stressful.

Popping up to say "hi", I've posted a couple of threads about my DM, who is hard work, and my DF who is very ill.

I had a checkup with a nurse yesterday and my blood pressure was really high.

DF got taken into hospital recently for a possible end of life scenario. He has stabilised now but DM has very quickly used this to get back into constant contact and trying to make everything as dramatic as possible and it just makes me stressed and ground down; last year I got put on antidepressants for months which had a big knock on effect on my physical health.

She sent a message at 8am on Sunday about a dead hedgehog in her garden. I've asked her to give me a break for a bit unless there's an actual emergency. I'd like to be around a bit more for my Dad but she wouldn't let me visit him in hospital by myself, and I need to sort my own health out first.

@OhPleaseJustLast I know the feeling exactly. It's horrible watching them be in pain.