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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Power of attorney and spending money

108 replies

Siriisatwat · 19/11/2021 19:17

Hi,

I’m in a bit of a state at the mo, my dad is in hospital. He clearly has some form of dementia but so far hasn’t been assessed (he lived 3 hours from me until I brought him to stay here a few weeks ago so I could help him).

He’s had quite a rapid decline over the last week.

He’s only got two changes of clothes with him. I cannot afford the petrol or time to do a six hour round trip to pick him up more. And to be honest, he’s lost a lot a weight in the last few months so all his clothes are hanging off him and he doesn’t like spending money so all those now too
big clothes are years old.

I’ve been trying to take him shopping but he will not spend a penny, he’s always been tight. I finally managed to get him to buy some t shirts last week but the next day he made me return them as he wanted his money back.

I have power of attorney and I have his wallet here.

Would I be able to go and buy him some clothes with his card?

I don’t have the money myself to get any for him so that’s not an option, I would have to
use his account.

OP posts:
2020isnotbehaving · 19/11/2021 19:25

Do you know his pin? With POA you can get a bank card form his account but in your name. But this will take to sort. You have to make sure he has clothes and you have POA in force I would use the card if know pin but then get one in own name for future as make things easier

Original poster
Siriisatwat · 19/11/2021 19:26

Yes, he’s always told me his pins incase something happened to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Siriisatwat · 19/11/2021 19:29

I mean, I will keep all receipts etc just incase.

But he’s going to go into respite care until the house he is in the process of buying near me completes (in all honesty, I think he will have to go into residential care Sad).

But the few clothes he has with him are hair awful, huge and old.

OP posts:
Blahdyblahbla · 19/11/2021 19:31

Yes you can absolutely buy him some clothes. If he's going into care I'd go for something inexpensive, and jogging type trousers with a tie waist.
Big hugs for you lovely xx

BeyondMyWits · 19/11/2021 19:34

Yes, you can spend his money so long as it is in his best interests for his benefit. You must keep records though. That is part of your duty as a POA.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/11/2021 19:35

If he needs clothes and you have P of A, I really don’t see why not. My Fil (with dementia) was like this - hanging on to awful old holey jumpers and worn out shoes etc. forever.

TBH I’d make sure some of them have an ‘accident’ - ripped or scorched or shrunk, and then get a bit tough, telling him they had to be replaced - (having first binned them).
We had to do this sort of thing with FiL.

BeyondMyWits · 19/11/2021 19:37

If going into respite (from experience) also buy a sharpie and write his name or initials inside EVERYTHING he wears or takes with him.

Original poster
Siriisatwat · 19/11/2021 19:38

It’s going to be the same when I have be to book a moving van too. But his stuff just has to get moved to the place he’s bought here.

Christ, I didn’t think i’d find this all so overwhelming. I feel like i’m drowning.

So i’ll keep all receipts together for clothes/toiletries and moving costs.

OP posts:
2020isnotbehaving · 19/11/2021 19:38

Could you say you have bought them instead or from someone else in the family? Maybe be more accepting if he thinks not out of his money of that is the issue. He obviously thought highly off you enough give you POA you can only honestly do what’s in his best interest

merryhouse · 19/11/2021 19:39

You can't (legally) just go and use his card. You have to let the card issuer know you have POA and get that officially sorted. Ditto the bank.

Orchid876 · 19/11/2021 19:41

Yes you can, but as it sounds like he’s going to need more care and you may well need to organise it, I’d definitely recommend getting your own access set up on his bank account. His bank will be able to advise how to do this, I have found it quite straightforward, the bank my father uses just needed copies of the the POA document, which I was able to scan and submit online.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 19/11/2021 19:45

You can use his money to buy him clothes. When you are less overwhelmed you can go to a branch of his bank and they can issue you a debit card to use his account. You can also get clothes and other things delivered to the hospital. I did this last year for my DF as he didn’t have enough underwear and needed things like nail clippers.

ancientgran · 19/11/2021 19:45

If you have POA for his finances then yes you can buy them but I don't think you are supposed to use someone else's card (I think it is in most bank's T&C that you don't let anyone else use your card) so while you need to do it for now I think it would be a good idea to speak to the bank about getting a card for you to use on his account.

Original poster
Siriisatwat · 19/11/2021 19:53

I know I’m not supposed to use it but he’s not even got any nightware.

The nurse who called me earlier said he was getting distressed having to wear the hospital gowns so I need to take him in something tomorrow. He’s a really tall man and much larger built than dh or ds so their clothes wouldn’t go near him so that’s not even an option for the time being.

So I don’t have the choice for now - we really don’t have anything spare ourselves to cover it.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 19/11/2021 19:58

I would definitely buy things for him using his own money.

JunoMcDuff · 19/11/2021 20:00

You should get your own card sorted, but as a one off it'll be fine

CampagVelocet · 19/11/2021 20:01

Yes, it's clearly in his best interests that he's appropriately dressed.

JunoMcDuff · 19/11/2021 20:01

@Siriisatwat

I know I’m not supposed to use it but he’s not even got any nightware.

The nurse who called me earlier said he was getting distressed having to wear the hospital gowns so I need to take him in something tomorrow. He’s a really tall man and much larger built than dh or ds so their clothes wouldn’t go near him so that’s not even an option for the time being.

So I don’t have the choice for now - we really don’t have anything spare ourselves to cover it.

If it's an emergency it's fine. Please don't worry, you are acting "in his best interest" which is exactly what POA law says you need to do.
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/11/2021 20:02

If he hasn't been assessed yet has the POA actually kicked in yet?

JunoMcDuff · 19/11/2021 20:06

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

If he hasn't been assessed yet has the POA actually kicked in yet?
As long as it's registered an OP (as person who knows him well in relation to this decision) has assessed he is t capable to manage his finances, then yes. A complete diagnosis isn't needed.

Also, poa of finances can be actioned before the person has lost capacity, as long as the person agrees, e.g. because they're physically unable to get the bank for example.

Original poster
Siriisatwat · 19/11/2021 20:09

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

If he hasn't been assessed yet has the POA actually kicked in yet?
Bloody hell I don’t even know.

What am I supposed to do in the meantime then?

He’s got his cheque book, he could write me a
cheque to cover things but he couldn’t even tell
you his name today. He just wouldn’t understand.

He’s got a provisional moving date of dec
10th. I can’t pay hundreds on removals myself.

This is such a mess. Three months ago he was okay, getting a bit confused but okay.

I’m totally alone (other than dh), we have no other family.

He’s gone down hill so fast.

OP posts:
Original poster
Siriisatwat · 19/11/2021 20:12

I’ve got a 14 month old who thinks sleep is for wimps, we are moving house next week too. Dh has had to take so much time off to do things for my dad or look after the children while I have had to do things that he’s got to put in ten hour days (thankfully from home, but he still needs to work), now all through it.

I’m just so bloody tired.

OP posts:
needtogetfit21 · 19/11/2021 20:21

@Siriisatwat sending hugs and love OP x

2020isnotbehaving · 19/11/2021 23:03

POA has two options when you apply either they tick the starts now and with my permission or it waits until there is actual official lose of capacity before it’s in place.

Either way you are not embellishing thousands of pounds you are buying him some basics clothes because else he be naked it’s hardly going raise any eyebrows from anyone no matter what paperwork may say. Sounds like you are doing grand job

Mrsmch123 · 19/11/2021 23:31

Has the hospital place an adults with incapacity form in his notes? Chances are they have if he couldn't remember his name/ getting distressed ect if so then your POA will kick in. But even without that I would argue that you are acting in his best interest and buying him some new clothes. It's not like thousands is going to disappear from his account.

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