Christmas

[jessielou1]

I have an elderly mum and an auntie (mums sister) . My mum has me snd my brother who lives about 40 miles away .
2 years ago I had a huge fallout with my mum over my brother who wouldn't help out when mum had an operation . She defends him all the time and he can do no wrong in mums eyes ... he's the golden child !
Due to this row my mum and her sister have stopped speaking as my auntie stuck up for me . Normally at Xmas I would have them both at my home .
Last year I was in a real dilemma who to invite and it made me physically ill . In
the end mum told me to have my auntie as she wasn't bothered about Xmas . She said she had been invited to my brothers but she declined so ended up spending Xmas on her own .
My aunt has no children no husband nobody only me and my argument wasn't with her .
This year I'm struggling again who to invite . I feel it's mums turn but the thought of leaving my aunt on her own upsets me so much . Then I think my mum has my brother to spend Xmas with so she has no reason to be alone .
I absolutely hate Xmas due to this family situation . Any advice would be welcome x

Sounds like your mum would prefer to spend Christmas with her favourite child anyway. Why not invite her to join you and your aunt at yours, she'll probably decline anyway.

Gosh yes she would never come with my aunt there ... it just makes me feel so guilty as sadly I can't please everyone

Surely Golden Boy will invite her to his. I'd stick with the auntie, she has no one, your mother has options.

Your auntie fell out with her sister because she stuck up for you? I can’t see how you can leave her alone at Christmas after that. Surely your mum could go to your brother’s house?

I think invite your aunt - she'd be on her own otherwise and she had your back.

Tbh I really don't think my brother asked my mum to go his for Xmas last year as usually he comes to us and she's never been invited down to his before . I believe my mum told me that so that again he doesn't look bad ... as I say she constantly sticks up for him

I'd invite your DA as well and tell your DM she's welcome to come but she needs to apologise to you both first.

An apology from my mum would never ever happen ... she's as stubborn as a mule

Have a good day with your auntie. Dm needs to accept the repercussions for favouring one of her dc..

I’d invite your aunt, plan a lovely day and leave your mum and brother to it.
Also remember xmas is a season not just a day. If you want, you can invite your mum for Boxing Day or xmas eve

What’s do you want ? Ot anyone else - you.

Then do that.

That's my problem I worry too much about pleasing everyone else and not myself hence I end up dreading Christmas and my anxiety is through the roof

The thing to do is to work out what you’d want - you’ve clearly never done that so all the more reason you should get the chance to have what you want for once.

You won’t make other people happy - certainly not your mother from the sound of it so you may as well do what would make you happy.

The thing is whatever I decide I upset someone ... it's put me in a no win situation really cus I feel guilty whichever way I go ... I dread Christmas coming round 😪

Well if you are already in a no win situation you may as well at least please yourself.

The thing is whatever I decide I upset someone ... it's put me in a no win situation really cus I feel guilty whichever way I go ... I dread Christmas coming round

I can totally get that but you didn't put yourself in this situation, you "D"M did. So if you don't invite her, you really don't need to feel that guilty. Anyone who knows what your "D"M is like will understand why you haven't invited her.

Your aunt stuck up for you. You're in a position to show your aunt she made the right choice by having her for Christmas.

Your mum has supported your DB. She may or may not have made the right choice depending on whether she's invited for Christmas or not, or whether she's even bothered. You can't be responsible for what happens there.

Both your mum and aunt both picked a side. You're only responsible for yours.

Thanks so much for your responses ... your all so right my mum made her bed now she must lie on it I guess ... families ay 😪

Good decision op. I spent over 30 years with my relative at Xmas. One year I was due a baby on Xmas eve so couldn't go. She went ballistic. Sadly I kept my distance after that. She never even contacted me to check if dd arrived safely!

Well ladies a little update ... on Sunday I discussed with mum about Xmas and explained I was gonna have my aunt for Xmas day as she had nobody to spend it with and my argument wasn't originally with her anyway . I explained my mum had no reason to be alone as she had a son to spend it with .
Omg did shit hit the fan ! She said IM YOUR MOTHER ! I tried to explain my reasoning but she turned absolutely vile stating as far as she's concerned my auntie ( her sister ) is dead !!!!!!!
She will still not accept that actually her son doesn't want to spend Xmas with her .. her excuse this time is his circumstances have changed .
So again we are not speaking and this is exactly what I feared 😪

Well, no matter what, it's your Mum's choice if she spends Christmas alone - I hope you and your aunt have a great time together :)

Well your mum made her choice didn't she. Absolutely not your fault.

Not your problem, i like the sound of your aunt, she’ll probably be better company. Value relationships with people who value you.

I presume you mean “she’s not speaking” rather than “we’re not speaking”. Well, she has to take responsibility for that too. She can’t bully you into doing something which you consider wrong. Try to cast her out of your mind and enjoy Christmas. She’s a tantrumming toddler, don’t let yourself be hurt by anything she does or says, she’s not trying to hurt you because she wants to hurt you, she’s trying to lever you into doing what she wants.

Thanks everyone for your replies