Dad in hospital, Mum not coping, I'm struggling

[IWouldLoveAMilkyTeaPlease]

Hi all, I'll try to keep it brief. Dad is in hospital, rushed into intensive care/had two ops/discovered new serious health condition, luckily now in a ward and on trial medication. He has numerous Pre existing health conditions. Dad in hospital where I live. Mum is an hour away, also has Pre existing health conditions and undiagnosed anxiety. They have been married a long time and never apart. She has really struggled and refused to visit (even though I would pick her up, take her to hospital, drive her home etc) as she 'wouldn't cope' and doesn't want Dad to 'see her looking so ill.' Am bit upset about this tbh.

I'm visiting Dad daily, he's coping like a trooper but I have to go back to work. But did say he's worried what would happen to Mum if things don't go well for him. I promised I would always look after them both. Mum alone at home (brother will visit but she doesn't trust him) and feeling ill herself, and being harassed constantly by neighbours 'checking in' but more in an intrusive way.

I'm the youngest by many years and it's come as a terrible shock how vulnerable my lovely parents seem and all of a sudden are 'elderly.' We've unfortunately had several family deaths in the past two years which impacted all of us. My FIL is also ill and DH sees him an hour away at least weekly.

I feel so stressed; coordinating daily visits, have my own kids, work full time but shifts, worrying about both of them. What will happen when Dad hopefully comes out of hospital? He'll need to come to my city weekly once allowed to go home, he was shocked when I said he won't be able to drive. I don't know how I'll be able to care for everyone?! I'm stretched so thin.

Have suggested they more closer to us but not sure how realistic that is. No room in our small house and prices v expensive. We can't move there. Would they qualify for home carers? I can't see they would want to go into a care home (or be eligible?) although they will need care/support and cannot afford retirement village (not sure if that's what it's called) near me. I can't give up my job to care for them and feel bad about this.

Not quite sure why I'm posting tbh but would be good to chat to others in similar situations.... TIA

I cannot overstate the importance of the power of attorney.

Look you need proper advice. Some charities do this. You need a list of everything that needs doing.

Ask you bro if he can help you research options for everything like POA, will, online shopping, care, cleaning, paying the bills. You can say the options are A or B let them choose but then set it up.

Have all the forms with you, so they can sign them there and then.

Go and talk to them as a United front. Take DH if it'll help. Or some kind of advisor.

State clearly what you will do. Eg Visit every other week. State your boundaries.

If they cut you off they'll be hurting themselves far more than you - but do remember that this is abusive behaviour.

Ask the hard questions like I'd Dad/Mum dies first what do you want? How do they imagine the future will look. You need your reality and theirs to tally up.

Hi all, thanks for your messages and sorry for late reply. I have just lost the post I was writing which is annoying!
I worked a long shift yesterday and then managed to get my haircut! I feel more like me and managed to sleep last night. I didn't phone either parent until 7.30pm as I physically didn't have time, which I initially felt guilty about.

Dad was tired, had another blood transfusion, due to have another op this morning and if all goes well can start new meds from Monday, so fingers crossed. He'll be in for all of next week then hopefully come home. He was lovely and not bothered that I hadn't called him earlier, said he understood how busy I've been.

Phoned Mum and she was desperate to get me off the phone because she was 'watching her programme.' She can't work the TV/box properly, even though I've explained what to do, so didn't want it to switch off. Said she hasn't watched for two weeks.

I messaged my brother yesterday and he took some shopping over, which helped me immensely. Mum was glad of it but don't think it was all the 'right stuff.' I skimmed over this and explained it would have been very difficult for me to take her shopping, whether this went in I'm not sure.

My brother is going to limit contact when Dad gets home, sad, but his prerogative. He has only in the past year or so bern in contact with them. There's history of parents randomly cutting us out for months/years. He wasn't supported when his wife died. Other brother is NC. So a lot falls onto me.

I'm so glad my DH didn't agree to move to my hometown, many times in the past I've been upset about this. But now see that he was trying to protect me.

I'll try and catch up with your posts now. All are much appreciated thanks xx

Agree re boundary setting, am will think about what I can do for the best. Online shopping deliveries is he way forward, I'm going to struggle going over weekly so delivery plus a daily call is hopefully enough.

I don't think she considers herself as needing care, so no AA etc at present. When the District Nurse comes in for Dad would she notice? Maybe put a referral into Social Services?

@Purplewithred you're right, she shouldn't treat me like this! Now I'm starting to feel stronger I can see that and will do something about it. I need to quickly grow a thicker skin!

@MereDintofPandiculation agreed, I don't want to take away her choices. So she'll need to compromise in the short term, as I can't chop myself in three ways. I love them both and want the best for them - Dad being so ill/hospitalised for so long has been a huge shock to all of us.

@Wallywobbles - I'll call AgeUK next week for advice/info. I guarantee they don't think they are at that stage tho.

[quote IWouldLoveAMilkyTeaPlease]@MereDintofPandiculation agreed, I don't want to take away her choices. So she'll need to compromise in the short term, as I can't chop myself in three ways. I love them both and want the best for them - Dad being so ill/hospitalised for so long has been a huge shock to all of us. [/quote]
It wasn't aimed at you, it was in response to another poster whose post sounded more as if she was talking about the food fads of a fussy toddler. It's very clear you care deeply about your parents and are going above and beyond to secure the best outcomes for them.

@MereDintofPandiculation sorry if my post came across wrong, I didn't think you were saying that to me That's kind thank you.

@MereDintofPandiculation sorry if my post came across wrong, I didn't think is was it was, but made me think more.

Am about to phone for an update, dreading it

My point is you want to have these conversations once. Not every 6 months. You don't want to be constantly bailing them out of the next situation.

My dad at the end managed have 50k of standing orders to total shite. Even things he'd been banned from (for heckling).

Ideally you want an eye on bank accounts. But that was a line in the sand for my dad.

Thanks @Wallywobbles good points

Update - Dad seems bit better today. Am going to see Mum tom and have a chat with her and put some boundaries in place. Thanks for your support

Hi all, the saga continues! Dad still in hospital and due to have another op tomorrow but the meds seem to be working. He's ill but much better than he was, albeit fed up. Think he's starting to have memory problems though. Telling me one thing and my Mum another. Eg told me this morning at least two more weeks in hospital but told Mum he could be out in a few days.
It's emotionally exhausting! In my years asan adult I've never spoken to them as much as now. Mum struggling at home but trying to be more independent; she walked to the shop yesterday but is now feeling unwell. She tells me different versions about how ill she is yet on the other hand spent days sorting through the house. I don't quite know what is true. I'm doing almost daily visits to Dad, as she still won't come and visit him (it would be 'too much' for her because of her various ailments but in reality is because of her anxiety).
My brother isn't 'trusted' so she won't ask him to get things she needs from the shops and criticises him to me when he takes her a meal.
Well I'm a candidate for the Bad Daughter Club as of today. I told her that no I won't drive 75 mile round trip with the kids to get her some fizzy water and yes she will have to ask my brother. I just need a few days off!!! I drove over before my evening shift on Tue to take her shopping and then got stuck on the motorway for an hour and a half, then drove home to get my work stuff and left immediately working until gone midnight. Then getting up to take the kids to school. Am very tired. I feel bad that I don't feel guilty - if that makes sense?!
Just need to vent really...

Feeling bad because you don’t feel guilty just shows the weight of society’s expectations

@IWouldLoveAMilkyTeaPlease

Update - Dad seems bit better today. Am going to see Mum tom and have a chat with her and put some boundaries in place. Thanks for your support

Well done! Hope it goes well.

100% @MereDintofPandiculation

Thank you. Looks like he'll be coming home this week. Mum being a nightmare but I've put some firm boundaries in place re shopping etc.

Am so worn out of the constant calls, visiting Dad, working full time, kids, housework- I can't do it much longer.

How did you put boundaries in place for longer term?

@IWouldLoveAMilkyTeaPlease it's worrying to read this with you doing almost impossible things to try and support your mum. I'm worried that somehow you have in your head that you should fix everything and fill any gap to get them their old life back. You will constantly fail if that's your goal, and not only will you run yourself ragged but you'll feel terrible emotionally too.

What if you were just doing what you usually do - eg ring them once a week, visit once every few weeks or whatever? If they can't cope on that level of input, is that your fault? Or is it just the inevitable decline of old age? Would it be so terrible if they were in a care home, or if your dad had respite care?

I don't have the answer. But I'd just ask you to question the trigger in your mind that says if something has to be done, either you have to do it or you gave to find someone else to do it for you. It's actually your Mum's job to organise her life and your Dad's job to organise his. Caring is a normal thing to do in any family but from 75 miles away you will simply keel over.

Thank you @PermanentTemporary - you've made a lot of good points! Am definitely going to continue to put boundaries in place and try not to take the weight of the world on!

Also Dad left hospital late this afternoon to go home! I am so relieved and happy My DH has been so supportive, as have you all!

I'm not going to 'fix' stuff for them, they need to learn to navigate their situation but I will support them in a more realistic way.