Dad in hospital, Mum not coping, I'm struggling

[IWouldLoveAMilkyTeaPlease]

Hi all, I'll try to keep it brief. Dad is in hospital, rushed into intensive care/had two ops/discovered new serious health condition, luckily now in a ward and on trial medication. He has numerous Pre existing health conditions. Dad in hospital where I live. Mum is an hour away, also has Pre existing health conditions and undiagnosed anxiety. They have been married a long time and never apart. She has really struggled and refused to visit (even though I would pick her up, take her to hospital, drive her home etc) as she 'wouldn't cope' and doesn't want Dad to 'see her looking so ill.' Am bit upset about this tbh.

I'm visiting Dad daily, he's coping like a trooper but I have to go back to work. But did say he's worried what would happen to Mum if things don't go well for him. I promised I would always look after them both. Mum alone at home (brother will visit but she doesn't trust him) and feeling ill herself, and being harassed constantly by neighbours 'checking in' but more in an intrusive way.

I'm the youngest by many years and it's come as a terrible shock how vulnerable my lovely parents seem and all of a sudden are 'elderly.' We've unfortunately had several family deaths in the past two years which impacted all of us. My FIL is also ill and DH sees him an hour away at least weekly.

I feel so stressed; coordinating daily visits, have my own kids, work full time but shifts, worrying about both of them. What will happen when Dad hopefully comes out of hospital? He'll need to come to my city weekly once allowed to go home, he was shocked when I said he won't be able to drive. I don't know how I'll be able to care for everyone?! I'm stretched so thin.

Have suggested they more closer to us but not sure how realistic that is. No room in our small house and prices v expensive. We can't move there. Would they qualify for home carers? I can't see they would want to go into a care home (or be eligible?) although they will need care/support and cannot afford retirement village (not sure if that's what it's called) near me. I can't give up my job to care for them and feel bad about this.

Not quite sure why I'm posting tbh but would be good to chat to others in similar situations.... TIA

I am in pretty much the same position as you (although at present both parents at home after hospital stays for both)
Firstly make sure they are claiming all benefits such as Attendance Allowance that they sound they should be entitled to.
Make sure, even if they are not now driving, if mobility is an issue a Blue Badge is applied for as this will make your life easier if taking to appointments etc.
Make calls to Social Services and make it clear help is now required (you need to lay it on thick making it clear you live away as if they think you can cope as a family you will get no help)
Have a key safe fitted to outside which you have code to so 24hr access is not an issue.
If not already in place speak to them about sorting out Power of Attorney so you can act on there behalf if they no longer can, better to sort earlier rather than later.

I also now have neighbors and cleaners phone numbers so if an emergency and I cant get there I can hopefully contact someone give them key safe code and someone can get in.
Its really hard as like you I am stuck between caring for parents/my kids/work etc. You have to look after yourself.

@nicknamehelp thanks for your reply xx

Unfortunately they are both very old school and won't let me do anything re AA/key safe/phoning SS. I think if I did they would just cut me out and not speak to me. It all feels very fragile at the moment and I can't do right for doing wrong. My Mum thinks the neighbours are 'harassing' her and doesn't see they are trying to be kind. She wouldn't accept a cleaner/carer etc and would class me organising these things as interfering or trying to control her.

My brother hasn't called/visited that last two days so I'm dealing with it completely on my own. I just spoke to the hospital and Dad's had a massive bleed, so can't have the op he needed today. He phoned Mum but she didn't call me to tell me. That's what's frustrating as she's using me as a bit of a punch bag tbh. I offered to come and get her to stay here with us, and so she could visit Dad, but no she doesn't want to and was quite rude about it. I'm not sleeping or eating, it's just constant worry and pressure. I'm going to visit later (he has a CT scan to check the bleeding this afternoon) so it will be good to see him. But I dread calling my Mum after because she gets almost hysterical and will say I don't understand etc, very hard!

I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. What's going on with your parents? It's really hard to be able to focus to look after myself and my family. How long have you been going through this?

My mum was the same recently when dad was in hospital with being rude to me and complaining I wasn't doing things right and snapping at neighbors who called to check (had to apologize to them)

It may be time once dad is home to arrange to visit with brother and have a family meeting where you state (and brother backs you up) that it is time more help is found and key safe etc are installed for not only their safety but your peace of mind considering you dont live 5 mins away. I know its a difficult conversation to be had, my Mum didn't take it well but I stood firm and said help needs sorting as I cant do everything.

Also perhaps try speaking to Ward Manager about your concerns of your Dad coping once discharged (they want do anything about Mum as shes not a patient) and see if they can get the ball rolling with Social Services etc as might except it better from a 3rd party.

It's challenging isn't it?! I just want to run away, but obvs won't!

Yeah they're good ideas thanks! I think my brother will broach it with them as mentioned it to me before. Just feel bad going behind their backs, i love them but cannot carry on like this! At least work will be a distraction xx

Please don't feel bad about honing behind their backs. I can totally understand that you are all completely stressed over this but your DM seems in complete denial.

Please do speak to the discharge clerk on the ward and tell them your concerns. You cant be expected to do everything and it's totally unfair of your DM to expect you to.

Try and say (once you've done it) that a Dr suggested you do so and so. They might prefer that the idea comes from a Dr, even if it's not quite true.

Good suggestion from Mosaic.

How are you getting in today @IWouldLoveAMilkyTeaPlease?

@BunnyRuddington @Mosaic123 thanks for your messages. Sorry for delay replying - Dad was taken to theatre twice and had a big bleed but seemed bit more stable last night. I agree that she's in denial. She really snapped at me yesterday and said 'it's life and you have to cope' - ironic hey?! My brother hasn't made any contact with her or Dad and I was annoyed, she was vile to me. Feel like he's opting out and leaving me to do all the donkey work. That's a good idea re Doctor thank you! Am back at work today which is a nice distraction. I'm struggling to sleep/eat still, but par for the course I suppose. I just never thought it would end up like this

Thanks for your support and kind words xx

My brother hasn't made any contact with her or Dad and I was annoyed, she was vile to me.

I know it's hard but try not to turn on your brother. My "D"M can be nasty too and for years has played me and my DSis off against one another.

Perhaps your DM has been equally nasty to your DB and it's his way of coping. Whatever you do, keep talking to your DB, you need to get through this together

Yeah good point @BunnyRuddington, my emotions are quite clouded so I haven't thought of that. Our family history is quite complex, could fill a whole other thread, so perhaps that's shaping how I feel. Off to visit Dad later, hoping for good news.

Off to visit Dad later, hoping for good news.

Fingers crossed for you

Thanks @BunnyRuddington - what's going on with your family? I've just got back, another week in hospital maybe longer. But grumbling so hopefully a good sign. Lots of new meds being tried to stop the bleeding and had transfusion. Mum seems bit better. Apart from not realising how much I'm juggling. Wants me to take her shopping - 75 mile round trip. Plus no childcare as DH works on Saturdays and I work full time m. I'll get round it somehow but feeling really worn out.

Mum seems bit better. Apart from not realising how much I'm juggling. Wants me to take her shopping - 75 mile round trip. Plus no childcare as DH works on Saturdays and I work full time m. I'll get round it somehow but feeling really worn out.

That's a massive ask. How do they normally get their shopping?

Could you organise an online shop for her and get her to send you the money?

I think you need to spell it out to your mum how much you are juggling.

Online shop for her and get it delivered. Don't pander to her if she won't even visit your dad. That's not on.

Glad your dad was slightly better, I hope this continues.

Wants me to take her shopping - 75 mile round trip.
Can you organise an online shop for her? Or would any of her neighbours help with shopping?

Thanks for the replies, you guys are keeping me going xx Dad usually takes Mum shopping. They're very old school, she doesn't drive, spend all of their time together, don't even pay bills by direct debit. She was worrying about paying the gas bill which came today. I told her we'll sort it. She barely knows how to work the TV. When Mum's upset she talks about how 'controlled' she's been because they married young. But the reality is they're just codependent and love each other very much. Unfortunately their world is very small.
Re the shopping, she wants me to take her because she isn't mobile enough and is feeling worried about going out. She hasn't left the house since this started with Dad and before that it was together.
I'm scared to tell her I'm finding it hard, she'll get upset/angry and they've cut me off before (didn't speak to me for 6 months when I was younger, it was horrible). Maybe I'm putting on too much of a front that I'm coping. But I can't take any more time off work. My DH has to look after his elderly Dad (recently bereaved and ill health) an hour away. I'm barely seeing him or the kids. But feel such a weight of responsibility- feel so guilty saying that because I love them.

It's only going to get worse isn't it?!

Thanks for giving me a sounding board xx

She moaned about the neighbours knocking/offering help. Said it was intrusive and overwhelming. Asked one to get her batteries for her radio from the shop but was then annoyed it 'took them all day.' I asked why she didn't use the Alexa I bought her - she said the radio is better?! V frustrating. Also I don't think she'd cope with getting an online shopping delivery to the house.

Also I don't think she'd cope with getting an online shopping delivery to the house.

I think you're going to have to think about how you want to go on from now.

It's a lot to think about but do you really want to commit to taking her shopping every single week?

Some of the delivery forms will take the shopping into the kitchen for her, then all she needs to do is unpack.

Don't start a care routine you can't sustain. I've seen carers sacrifice themselves trying to keep parents happy. I know they're going to be angry with you but what choice do you have? Ring social services for advice at least. Ask for a carers assessment for yourself. Use the phrase ' carer breakdown'.

Totally agree with Neckless.

If your DM needs this level of care, is she receiving Attendance Allowance? That could pay for someone to do the shopping fir her?

Has she got a Milkman? They can often deliver things like bread and potatoes as well as the milk.

My mother has real sight issues and can go nowhere on her own. I used to take her to the supermarket once a fortnight. She organised herself so that was all the groceries she required. When the pandemic hit I went over to online shopping. She doesn't like it, she moans it's dearer, they charge for delivery, it's not a service, she can't pick her own things etc. She's making hints that she wants to go back to me taking her to the supermarket. It's not happening. The supermarket brings her food into the kitchen for her and I don't have to take the "what are we doing about my groceries" phone call when I had other plans for the day. It's a compromise, I got round it by saying it's what we do as we don't want to go to the supermarket ourselves.

Don't start a care routine you can't sustain

This.

It is NOT your job to step in to DFs shoes and do everything for DM that he used to do and the way he used to do it.

So your DM needs shopping - research shopping delivery, or charities who will do shopping (NHS volunteers are still a thing and you can refer her yourself), or a home help (try your local Age UK or Independent Age).

She needs help paying the bills? Set up direct debits.

Etc etc.

Also, she may be your mum and having a tough time but that absolutely does not give her permission to behave like a spoilt brat - would she have put up with it from you? of course not. Be firm, this is a long game and you need to set boundaries asap.

If you don't already have them get POA for both finance and health/wellbeing set up for both of them ASAP.

Don't give in and start taking her shopping again. You'll wear yourself out and you've got your own MH to consider. Old people can get very selfish. You have to be firm. I expect what she really wants is the enjoyment of going out and browsing the supermarket herself, but we can't always have what we want.

we can't always have what we want. Although choosing your own food is not an unreasonable want. One of the crap things about old age, how all your choices are taken from you - what food to have available, what to eat and when, later what to wear, when to go to bed and when to get up.