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Elderly parents
Original poster

Aunt has to go to nursing home - she thinks she's coming home

113 replies

CrystalFlyer · 02/05/2021 19:41

My Aunt has been living with my mother, her sister-in-law. It's my mums house. My mum is 79 & my Aunt 89.

Thursday my aunt had a fall (due to her not using her walking stick) and has broken her wrist and has a bleed on her brain. So she's in hospital currently .

My mum has decided she can't come home. She can't look after her and she nursed her mother and my Dad as they died and she's not doing it again at her age. Which is fair enough.

My Aunt doesn't know yet. I obviously need to have conversations with the hospital as to what we do next but I'm just not sure how to tell my aunt she's not coming home. Someone in the hospital will have to do it as visitors aren't allowed and she's very hard of hearing and can't hear me on the phone.

Anyone have any experience with this? I think she would actually do well in a home and if possible we'd bring her home for the day occasionally.

I'm worried about the capacity issue as well. She's mentally ok so she would say she wants to go home but my mum is refusing to let her back in the house.

OP posts:
springnamechange · 02/05/2021 20:34

Have you chosen a home for her? Or done any research? Maybe send some brochures in if that's appropriate?

Smartiepants79 · 02/05/2021 20:39

How soon will the hospital be wanting her to leave?
This has only just happened, have you any idea where you hope she can go? Have you checked they have room for her? Who’s paying?
I would be making sure I had firm plans in place before telling her.
Just saying ‘you can’t come home’ without knowing where she CAN go would be very distressing for her.
It sounds like the right thing to do but you need to know how your going to accomplish it.

CoffeeRunner · 02/05/2021 20:43

Will she be funded even partly by SS? The hospital can engage a social worker to help find her a suitable nursing home placement.

The social worker will also be trained & very experienced at the "I think you need a little more help & care" chat.

SnowdaySewday · 02/05/2021 21:00

The hospital should have a Discharge Co-ordinator (or similar job title). Unless you are named by your Aunt as next-of-kin or are her carer then it is your mother who needs to speak to them, although she may ask you to support her or advocate for her.

You mother needs to state clearly that she can not continue to care for your Aunt, even if social services put in carers to help her. The key thing is not that she has previously cared for your Gran and your Dad, but that she is unable now to give your Aunt the care she needs. It may be as well to make sure that your Aunt has correctly described the home situation (from experience of my DGM who would tell the hospital whatever she knew would get her discharged home quickly, even when that was not the truth).

The hospital and social services will assess your Aunt's needs, preferences and financial situation. There are varying levels of care provided in different settings, but if social services will be funding it then she will basically go where there is space for her.

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 02/05/2021 22:22

Today was the first day that mum was definite that my aunt wasn’t coming home. I do know my aunts preference for a home but it’s popular so need to look into the bed situation.

We’re in Ireland so the system and funding will be different. Need to get my head around that too.

I am my Aunts next of kin but no power of attorney.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 03/05/2021 10:33

Sorry you and your dm are going through this. It’s worth the move to care home as respite “ until you are better”;conversation to keep aunt on side.

saraclara · 03/05/2021 11:00

@Smartiepants79

How soon will the hospital be wanting her to leave? This has only just happened, have you any idea where you hope she can go? Have you checked they have room for her? Who’s paying? I would be making sure I had firm plans in place before telling her. Just saying ‘you can’t come home’ without knowing where she CAN go would be very distressing for her. It sounds like the right thing to do but you need to know how your going to accomplish it.
That. You don't say anything to her until you know exactly how this is going to work. You'll only distress her more.

In the case of both my MIL and DM, it went from hospital discharge to respite care in a care home. Then the respite care turned into a permanent place there.

That seemed like a really gentle way into it. They both got the care they needed post-hospital, got used to the place they were in, and then gradually time just went by and they didn't leave.

saraclara · 03/05/2021 11:03

To continue - so yep, the conversations weren't difficult.

"You don't need to be in hospital still, but the doctors say you're not well enough to be at home yet. So they've found you a place where you can be looked after while you're still not 100%. It looks like you'll be able to be there for a few weeks, and then they'll see how you're doing after that"

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 03/05/2021 11:40

I’m not sure how long she’s going to be in hospital. The plan was keep her in for a week due to bleed on brain then another CTScan to see what’s happening with that and then reassess.

She will more than likely be going to a respite hospital - she was there for a month last year when she broke 4 ribs. She tried to ‘escape’ several times! She would call other people and tell them she was told she could go home but I wasn’t available to pick her up and could they come get her. But not to tell me! They all called me and then I would call the nurses and she would be persuaded to stay a bit longer!

Like I said I have no plans as of yet. Mum just really told me yesterday and I want to talk to the hospital discharge person to talk about funding and things.

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 03/05/2021 11:44

The hospital should have a Discharge Co-ordinator (or similar job title). Unless you are named by your Aunt as next-of-kin or are her carer then it is your mother who needs to speak to them, although she may ask you to support her or advocate for her

Next of kin has no legal meaning in this context. The OP is just as entitled to speak to the discharge co-ordinator as her mother is.

Whoever does it needs to be 100% firm with the hospital or they will try to discharge her back to you, with vague promises about assessment/rehab at home. Be prepared for a battle, but your DM is right to put her own wellbeing first, OP.

Toddlerteaplease · 04/05/2021 11:52

Be very firm. I had to insist that there was no way my friend would cope in his own flat. Even with a care package. A strongly worded. Email from his so. And SS found a really good home for him.

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 04/05/2021 18:15

I called the ward today to ask how my Aunt was doing and the nurse I was talking to mentioned she would be good to go home in a few days! So I said that couldn’t happen and she asked if my aunt would need funding. I said yes and she said no problem we’ll keep her until we find her a bed. It’s probably not going to be this easy but seems fine for now. Was talking to my Aunt later and she mentioned that no one had mentioned about her going home yet.

One thing that is slightly worrying me. My aunt is on anti-anxiety tablets. She’s borderline addicted (I actually have a thread on here about it). I asked the nurse was she getting these tablets and the nurse said that she’s not at the moment - due to the head injury they’ve taken her off them. So now I’m worried about her mental state as well!

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 04/05/2021 18:26

I said yes and she said no problem we’ll keep her until we find her a bed. It’s probably not going to be this easy but seems fine for now

Be careful. This was probably a junior(ish) nurse, who has no idea about the intricacies of discharge planning and funding. The minute your aunt is listed as medically fit for discharge, there will be immense pressure to send her home. I am sure that the nurse believed what she was telling you was true, but I would not trust a word of it.

BunnyRuddington · 05/05/2021 07:42

I agree with MissLucy.

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 05/05/2021 18:18

Things are moving. I got a call from the discharge co-ordinator. She’s e-mailing me a list of things I need to get together. She was going to have me call into my Aunt on Monday to tell her she’s going into a home but I said I’d prefer to wait until things are more definite so that I can tell her where and when she’s going, especially with her anxiety.

She wasn’t getting her anxiety tablet but the nurse I was speaking to said she’d follow it up and took the name of my aunts g.p to confirm dosage.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 05/05/2021 19:51

What sorts of things do you need to get together @CrystalFlyer?

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 05/05/2021 21:23

I need to get bank statements going back 6 months (this might be difficult as I have no authority to speak to the bank on her behalf and she can’t do it!)
I need valuations on a small plot of land & forestry she owns
Need something from the pharmacy showing her spend on her medications
And I need to put all this info into an application for funding form.
Oh and her pension details.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 05/05/2021 23:24

Sounds like you need power of attorney and fast.

Smartiepants79 · 05/05/2021 23:28

My experience of my mother dealing with my grandparents finances has been that banks will not deal with you without jumping through many hoops and signing of many forms etc etc and that’s with a power of attorney.
You need to speak to her bank and find out their requirements to allow a relative to deal with them.
She may have no choice but to do at least some of it herself.
Age concern may be able to be helpful?

vdbfamily · 05/05/2021 23:37

I would want to know a bit more about this if I was her OT in the hospital. Does she have any stake in the property or its it your mother's? How did she come to be living there and did she ever own a property.
How much care is she needing. I would respect someone's right to say they do not want to assist with care but it may be that cares can provide that care at home at this stage. If she has night needs this is more difficult and a home may be only option.

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 06/05/2021 08:12

Thanks to all the links for funding but I’m in Ireland.

vdbfamily she has no property of her own. She was living with her brother and sister but moved in with my mum and dad when they passed away. She has no stake in my mums property. My mum is done. To be honest they never actually got on that well.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 06/05/2021 08:20

I remember your other thread and I'm not surprised your DM has had enough.

Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 06/05/2021 15:56

Getting things done. Bank are posting the statement to my aunts address no problem.
Valuation of plot of land is arranged for 8.30am tomorrow.
Pharmacy are printing off her meds from the last year and will be ready tomorrow.
Once I have those I need an accountant to do accounts.

And I have a few questions for the discharge co-ordinator who is due to call me tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrystalFlyer · 11/05/2021 16:37

Well that was going way too smoothly! Had a call from a different discharge coordinator today that basically my Aunt was saying she wanted to go home so they couldn't force her to go into a nursing home. Despite me explaining that she didn't have a HOME to go to and that she doesn't know that my mother is refusing to have her back. So of course if asked the question "Do you want to go home or into a nursing home" she's saying she wants to go home!

I asked several time to be allowed come in and speak to my Aunt but now the discharge coordinator seems to be acting like I'm going to bully my Aunt into saying she wants to go to a nursing home so instead tomorrow there's going to be a multi-disciplinary meeting with her Doctor, Physio, OT, the discharge coordinator, my Aunt and me and I'm taking my husband with me. I asked if I could speak with my Aunt first and she said I can speak to her after the meeting.

Anyone any experience with this kind of meeting?

OP posts:
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