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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly parent and care when you really do not like them

37 replies

Cloudcalm · 30/04/2021 19:48

Namechanged for this.

Whilst I don't want to go into detail I had a pretty awful childhood at the hands of my mother, physical and emotional abuse and ended up a runaway and period in care.

Fast forward 30 years, her family are all dead (sisters etc). I have a few cousins up north but its just me. My brother lives overseas and leads his own life.

D(!)M has had heart attack, possible strokes and all sorts over last few years. Now bit unsteady on feet and seriously forgetful. Anyway, I do not like my mother. I love her because she is my mother but I do not like her at all. I resent having to have birthdays/christmas etc etc etc hosting her as as children ours were awful. She is on her own. I am single parent of two and in full time work. She is so fucking demanding. I do all her paperwork stuff but she's continusally wanting more and wanting attention saying i need to be kind to her. My youngest aged 5 really does not like her. She;s been a harsh controlling telling him off old bat to him so I'm not surprised he doesn't like her. Aged 2 he kicked her so she kicked him back. WTAF. She feels sorry for herself as her friends granchildren love them but hers don't like her. This week she shouted at my DS to shut up and threatened to rub dog poo on him, as he was spraying water gun at her. I got him inside and told her not to speak to him liek that. I was fucking raging inside but held it in. She left. I have furious angry dreams about her and nightmares I am living with her. She then sends me an email saying she forgives me...... WTF.... for what!!! She keeps phoning which I don't answer then voicemails saying 'help me..... blah blah blah my internet.......' I literally cannot stand her right now.

Don't know what to do

OP posts:
thesandwich · 30/04/2021 19:56

This sounds awful. Can you get some care or support in place and step away? Please do not subject your children to this.

HollowTalk · 30/04/2021 19:59

I'd withdraw from all help, tbh. Can she actually take care of herself?

Lbnc2021 · 30/04/2021 20:00

Walk away. Seriously. You don’t deserve this and the whole situation just sounds toxic and now your little kids are getting involved. And don’t feel guilty, you deserve to be free and happy.

WomenAndVulvas · 30/04/2021 20:03

Why do feel obliged to help her? You do not owe her anything after she failed you so miserably as a mother.
I would limit contact as much as possible and definitely never, ever take my kids to see her.
Is there any other way of organising a carer for her?

TheABC · 30/04/2021 20:05

You are under no obligation to take care of her or expose your kids to her abuse. Another one saying "step back".

MadeForThis · 30/04/2021 20:07

Protect your kids in the way that no one protected you as a child.

She gave birth to you. She abused you and was a shit mother. You owe her nothing. You owe your kids everything.

Don't feel guilty. You reap what you sow. She clearly hasn't changed.

wildseas · 30/04/2021 20:08

It's easy to say walk away but that will be so hard.

How is she off financially? Could you or her afford some paid help for her with things like fixing internet?

Then you could put some stronger boundries in and cut down visits, keep her away from the kids etc without worrying about the care. . .

Handsoffstrikesagain · 30/04/2021 20:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 30/04/2021 20:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Cloudcalm · 30/04/2021 20:18

One of her favourite sayings to me has been 'you reap what you sow' and 'you made your bed you lay in it' (mainly regarding me being a single parent) and I so want to write her the angriest email ever saying this and everything I feel, but I worry it would break her.

I feel envious my brother can just be overseas and not give a fuck. He was her favourite so was treated a lot better than I was

I so want to walk away but the guilt eats away at me. She will not be round my kids for now that is for sure.
I don't think she needs actual care, but i do worry she will fall and then be dead as no-one checked in (ie. me)

OP posts:
Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 30/04/2021 20:21

You need to cut her out if your life right away. I can't believe you didn't do that after she kicked your child!

thesandwich · 30/04/2021 20:22

Set up a falls alarm. And step away. Check out the stately homes threads on here- and research fear, obligation and guilt. FOG

BunnyRuddington · 30/04/2021 20:26

She sounds very much like my "D"M. Whatever I do is never enough and she badmouthed me and my DSis constantly to anyone who will listen.

You don't have to do anything for her.

You don't even have to have her for Christmas or Birthdays.

You don't have to see her, ever.

I had some really mixed emotions about caring for an abusive and quite horrible parent until I realised I don't have to. I see her about once a week due 29 minutes. She talks at me, mainly moaning. Never asks anything about me or her DGC then I go.

That's about enough for me.

Have you ever read about FOG?

aiwblam · 30/04/2021 20:28

You can suggest she gets a neck pendant with a subscription service. If she falls, she presses it and can get help.

Then you can cut her off. I can’t believe what you do for her when you had to end up in care! Time for her to look after herself or go into care.

Thebookswereherfriends · 30/04/2021 20:31

Just because she gave birth to you does not mean you are beholden to her. She did not treat well and, apparently has never treated you well (nor is she treating your children well), so why do you think you have to treat her well? Set her up with one of those pendant alarms and phone her once a week to ease your unnecessary guilt, but step right back from doing things for her. She doesn’t deserve it.

Screwcorona · 30/04/2021 20:33

Another vote for cut her off. Don't subject yourself or your family to her anymore. You owe her nothinv

Inthesameboatatmo · 30/04/2021 20:35

Step away op and dont feel guilty, I know what it's like I've been there with my father I hated him for what he put me through as child.
It was hard to begin with ,with my siblings going on that I should do this that and the other.
But karma is a cunt at the end of the day if she wants you to care for her she should have cared for you.
Call an aged charity and see what they suggest then walk away .

Catslovepies · 30/04/2021 20:39

There was a segment on women's hour a week or so ago about this type of situation, i.e. feeling obligated to care for abusive parents. The experts they interviewed gave some tips on how to cope - you can download and listen to the podcast and might find it helpful.

Original poster
Cloudcalm · 30/04/2021 20:44

Thank you for responses. It is a lot of food for thought and things definately need to change. I might have said above that something this week appears to have triggered my so badly I'm brimming with rage. Its not healthy. I'm stepping back right now. I phoned back and sorted internet ie, press the fucking google chrome button and then put phone down. I am already very boundaried in a way, she always wants a hug and I'm like do not step near me. Been that way all adult life but she still tries telling me how much she loves me. I will have a look at those links. Today is the first day I've realised I think i need some therapy regarding it and i'm going to put it in place

OP posts:
beachsidecafe · 30/04/2021 20:45

Your child will suffer the same abuse as you unless you can break out of this toxic cycle of guilt.

You owe her nothing at all. If it would make you feel better, set up care, and then stop seeing her. Never ever take your child if you do. Don't listen to the messages, do not respond to texts and distance and protect yourself.

It is not your job in life to serve her to the end of days op. Protect yourself and your child, before it is too late.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 30/04/2021 20:45

Step away, please do not subject your children to the abuse against you and them.
She is lucky you love her, i certainly have no feelings towards my mother, she is a narcissist and after my dd witnessed how verbally abusive she was towards me i no longer contact them.

toiletbrushholder · 30/04/2021 20:47

Contact social services , she's entitled to an assessment for her care needs and a financial assessment. You can walk away, spend time on yourself and your children, some self care to help you in whatever form that takes. Take so time out and see how you feel .

mermaidsariel · 30/04/2021 20:48

Oh dear. I am in a similar situation though mine is not as extreme. Your mother sounds appalling. If I were you I would honestly just stop. Just stop. Block her on your phone etc, stop helping her, leave her to get on with it. I understand the guilt but she's done you nothing but damage you all your life and she's damaging your child. You owe her nothing. Write her a letter and post it, telling her you've had enough and don't want to see her again. Then stand firm.

omgthepain · 30/04/2021 20:48

I'd contact social services, get an assessment and put a care plan in place then just walk away Thanks

BunnyRuddington · 30/04/2021 20:57

That's exactly how I look at it to Made. That's one thing I've never tolerated. Nobody is going to make my children feel the way I did.