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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Elderly parent and care when you really do not like them

37 replies

Cloudcalm · 30/04/2021 19:48

Namechanged for this.

Whilst I don't want to go into detail I had a pretty awful childhood at the hands of my mother, physical and emotional abuse and ended up a runaway and period in care.

Fast forward 30 years, her family are all dead (sisters etc). I have a few cousins up north but its just me. My brother lives overseas and leads his own life.

D(!)M has had heart attack, possible strokes and all sorts over last few years. Now bit unsteady on feet and seriously forgetful. Anyway, I do not like my mother. I love her because she is my mother but I do not like her at all. I resent having to have birthdays/christmas etc etc etc hosting her as as children ours were awful. She is on her own. I am single parent of two and in full time work. She is so fucking demanding. I do all her paperwork stuff but she's continusally wanting more and wanting attention saying i need to be kind to her. My youngest aged 5 really does not like her. She;s been a harsh controlling telling him off old bat to him so I'm not surprised he doesn't like her. Aged 2 he kicked her so she kicked him back. WTAF. She feels sorry for herself as her friends granchildren love them but hers don't like her. This week she shouted at my DS to shut up and threatened to rub dog poo on him, as he was spraying water gun at her. I got him inside and told her not to speak to him liek that. I was fucking raging inside but held it in. She left. I have furious angry dreams about her and nightmares I am living with her. She then sends me an email saying she forgives me...... WTF.... for what!!! She keeps phoning which I don't answer then voicemails saying 'help me..... blah blah blah my internet.......' I literally cannot stand her right now.

Don't know what to do

OP posts:

PurpleMustang · 30/04/2021 21:01

There is a book called Toxic Parents aswell that could help. But step away. Protect yourself and your kids. Her quoting stuff, you should hold her to it and let her reap what she has sown. She was horrible to you. You shouldn't feel a duty to her. Her wanting hugs and saying she loves you is coz she wants you around and is doing it through guilt. She is the type to never be happy no matter how much you give, so better for you and your kids to be happy than neither of you and your kids

CarmelBeach · 30/04/2021 21:29

Does she live nearby?

I would contact Adult Social Services, tell them you can',kt deal with her.

Tell her she is reaping what she sowed.

Vicliz24 · 30/04/2021 22:21

I sympathise hugely with you OP . I too had a very horrible relationship with my own D(?)M . She developed cancer just 6 weeks after my (very) DF died . I was in exactly the same boat with my brother overseas. I chose to look after her . Not for her and certainly not for either of us mental health. I did it because I knew in my heart I was the sort of person who wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye for evermore if I didn't. We argued ( lots) I (not DM ) had many tears too . The only difference was that mine was for a finite period. I knew it would eventually end . I think possibly I may have hoped for some clarity on why she had always been so nasty too , which obviously I didn't get . It was all very sad as she endured a miserable illness followed by her inevitable death . I too was a single parent and my DCs too disliked her . I would just check with yourself before you walk away that you are able to without causing yourself any too many issues because death is final and there's no coming back . If you can do that then please do as there truly is nothing to be gained by staying. I would never advocate staying because it is thankless but in my own personal case I had to . If she hadn't have been dying I'm not sure even now 20 years on that I would have but despite everything I have few regrets because it was the right thing for me . I've never wished her back or even missed her but somehow I had to be there . Mothers can be the trickiest relationships of all . I wish you well .

Original poster

Cloudcalm · 01/05/2021 16:41

@Vicliz24

You've captured the difficulty right there. If I knew she had a year to live I could cope and carry on. She is mid seventies so could be around for another 10/15 years which I definately cannot cope. Whilst I want to walk away now, or put some serious boundaries in place, the guilt if she died soon would be horrific I think.

OP posts:

Miasicarisatia · 01/05/2021 17:51

She's lucky that you don't want to pay her back, because 'pay back' would mean being abusive to her.
I would distance myself, maybe do the bare minimum and contact social services if she is vulnerable?

Miasicarisatia · 01/05/2021 17:54

Write her a letter and post it, telling her you've had enough and don't want to see her again
this might give you a feeling of closure but still I wouldnt do it.
She will not receive it in the way you intend it, she will use it against you if she can, certainly she will forward it to other people in order to punish and humiliate you.
Dont give her anything to work with, just back away slowly

mermaidsariel · 01/05/2021 22:19

@Miasicarisatia

Write her a letter and post it, telling her you've had enough and don't want to see her again this might give you a feeling of closure but still I wouldnt do it. She will not receive it in the way you intend it, she will use it against you if she can, certainly she will forward it to other people in order to punish and humiliate you. Dont give her anything to work with, just back away slowly

That’s true actually.

baldafrique · 01/05/2021 22:22

I'd have nothing to do with her after her abuse of you when growing up. Fuck that. Or at the very most very low key contact, I would be helping her with jack shit.

User0ne · 01/05/2021 22:27

Refer her to social services. Explain that you can no longer provide any care for her because she is a risk to your children. And don't do anything else for her

BeyondMyWits · 02/05/2021 09:53

Refer her to social services. Do not get a fall alarm. They require someone local to be rung EVERY time the alarm goes. That would end up being you. And once she knows people will run to her, she may find it useful.

GreenClock · 02/05/2021 17:47

I wouldn’t send her a letter/email OP. This would invite an argument and further discussion. Just back away. Let SS know that she’s a vulnerable adult and leave her be.

Mxflamingnoravera · 06/08/2021 11:24

Your mum sounds similar to mine. Mine was vile to me as a child, called me the most awful names and had no time for me whatsoever. I caught her once pinning my 6 month old son down in his travel cot when she said she would put him to bed to give me a break. I was livid and never left him alone with her again.

Now she has dementia and is in a care home and I have power of attorney for her. She still tries to bully me (see my thread on sundowning) but I am determined not to let her. I have become slightly more compassionate towards her as she is clearly terrified of what is happening to her but I still dont like her. I go along with her stories of what a wonderful childhood I had and what a great mother she was because it is easier, but sometimes I feel like I want to just let rip and tell her what a nasty, cold, hurtful mother she was and let her feel a bit of what I had- she wouldnot remember it anyway. But I dont, I come on here and have a rant about her and I stay away from her as much as I can whilst managing her affairs.

I really feel for you. Do what you need to do to keep yourself mentally healthy and if that means going low or no contact then do it.

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